My retired mum has run out of money at 63!!!!!!

[Lilu1660]

I don't know where to turn to and not managed to tell my SO yet but my mum has told me that she and my dad have no savings left and cant pay their rent or bills this month or for the foreseeable.

My dad is in his mid 70s and works when he can plus has his state pension but my mum retired 10 years ago when she was 50 (she's quite a bit younger than my dad) and is now saying that they have spent all their nest egg. They don't have any assets as they lost their house years ago as they were on an interest only mortgage. They got to keep the market increase in the houses value when they sold so I assumed with that money plus my mum's two private pensions that she had figured out she had enough to retire. My dad has never been good with money and has never saved for his retirement but his plan was to keep working.

My dad has had a recent health scare and has been unable to work for a few months which lead to my mum calling me yesterday saying they have no money, cant pay their rent and they are now getting bank charges and could I take on some of the financial burden. I am an only child so have no siblings to help but I have two kids of my own, a mortgage that is due to double in a few months because of the rising interest rates and my outgoings are spiralling out of control with rising living costs...we are barely scraping by as it is...and its only due to get worse.

I suggested maybe she go back to work (she is totally fit and healthy) but she told me I was being 'cruel' and 'unhelpful' and she wishes she belonged to a community where children took care of their elderly parents. She has not answered my calls or texts since.
I don't understand what her long term plan is? I have a very strained relationship with my parents due to having endured a pretty poor childhood and we don't really talk or communicate very often so they have never been open with me about their finances or life plan.

My mum is my biggest worry. She is only 63! She could conceivably live until her 90s. I cant wrap my head around the fact that her retirement plan seems to have been constantly dipping in to dwindling savings whilst relying on a man in his mid 70s to pay the rent and bills. And now that he cant work, is her plan to now put that financial pressure on to me? Or worse, to come and live with us for the next 20-30 years? We don't have a good relationship so I cant see how she would ever have thought that would be her life plan.

I am now worried sick about how they are going to survive paying rent, spiralling bills etc but I don't feel its the right thing to do to help them. If I help this month what about next month? And next year? And the next 20 years?

If I were to help them in any way short / long term it would be a drop in the ocean compared to what they need to cover themselves every month (their rent alone is £2k a month) and would negatively impact my own financial safety and that of my children's. I feel utterly torn and lost and just cant believe their stupidity and not planning for / seeing this coming!

Is anyone else out there dealing with this?? Or does anyone have any advice at all xxxx

@Lilu1660 , to reply to a post, either click the three dots, then select 'Quote', or tap the at symbol, @, which will display a list of usernames, then select the username

This.

It is NOT, and I repeat NOT your job to be her safety net (financially or any other way). I'd say she is angling for a way to move in with you, put a granny flat to whatever property you have (though not pay anything towards it).

My advice would be to console but only that. She is an adult. Your dad is an adult and they got themselves into this. There is social welfare available to them but they will clearly have to cut their cloth so fit. They can't expect to maintain the lifestyle they may have had. They now have to adjust to a new style of lifestyle.

This is a perfectly fine choice if a parent isn't narcissistic and toxic. If they are, they will simply lie and then gaslight you about the fact they lied, and spend all your money and demand more.

When I saw the rent is £2,000 a month - I thought is this a mistake?

Are your parents on the Kings Road, Sloane Square?

If they are in London, they get free transport passes, move to a cheaper area where nice flats are less than £1,000 a month.

My first thought is to get the “Welfare Benefit Advisor” from the local housing office to give them a call. The one where my friend lived was fantastic, got her into an “over 55” place, and then she could see the “wood from the trees”

I don’t want to compare your parents to my friend, but my friend was working 30 hours a week, had recently being widowed, her husband was 58, and didn’t even tell her children she was broke and “broken”

The place she was in was privately rented but a very reasonable £150 per week, two bed houses are normally £300+ a week in that street now.

What she is asking you to do for them is nothing other than shocking and dare I say it repulsive, that she thinks you are going to pay £1,000 a week so they can carry on living this sham life.

You have to stick to your guns, and get them down the local council and benefits office.

Did they lose their house by taking on an interest-only mortgage and not somehow realising that an interest-only mortgage will pay the interest only - as the name very clearly suggests?

Surely the amount they were paying for their IO mortgage was nowhere near £2K a month? What possessed them to think that, if they couldn't service a mortgage with a much, much lower committed interest payment each month, they could afford to pay £2K in rent - which is effectively what an IO mortgage is, if you don't put any plans in place to repay the capital?

She can call it retiring at 50, but it's really just boring old handing in your notice - and burning your bridges if you don't have something suitable to move on to. She hasn't really been retired for that time, she's been effectively treading water whilst unemployed. Did she think that marrying a much older man just entitled her to quit working very early, regardless of financial ability - even though he didn't (willingly) quit?!

This is completely on her - not that you'd have the money to support her, even if you wanted to. My young DS knows that (as an adult), you have to go out to work to earn money to live, unless you're independently provided for or rich. She needs to face facts that, like most unemployed people (whether through choice or not), she needs a job. She can be Hyacinth Bucket all she likes about being a senior dignified lady of leisure who deserves the finer things - but she needs to be an adult and come up with a realistic plan to fund this.

Just supposing you did have a decent amount of spare money each month with which to sub her, she would be effectively taking your pension for her own pension, and then kicking the can down the road to the point where you were not provided for (as she's already taken all the money you could have put aside for the future) and had to go begging/guilt-tripping your children, which I'm sure you would never want to be doing. Considering that you don't actually have that spare money in the first place, she sounds like something of a Wilma Mitty character.

Your Mum hasn't reached retirement age yet has retired? What kind of calculations did they do on their finances especially thinking she could retire early!
Your mum needs to get a job not expect you to bail her out, you have your own life expenses to take care of and a retirement to save for.
They both need to get a grip on what they can afford and live accordingly.
Mooving to cheaper accommodation would be a good start!

I have a very strained relationship with my parents due to having endured a pretty poor childhood and we don't really talk or communicate very often...

With all due respect, @Lilu1660 , I don't think I could muster enough fucks to be too invested (pardon the pun) given what you've told us.

Your mum is nowhere near too old to work. It's very much their problem, not yours.

She's still abusive. Sounds like my mum, always playing the victim. She can get a job like the rest of us. Sorry op, sounds stressful.

She needs to go get a job and pay her way, not expect other people to pay for her and I am not jut meaning you but the taxpayers who contribute to the benefits she will now claim because she decided to retire early and spent all the money. I bet we wish we could all retire early but most of us have to continue to work. What a piss take she is.

@Lilu1660 - if you see at the bottom of a post there are 3 dots. Click on them and you should see an option to "Quote" - then you can type in the message box and their message will appear above your reply when you click on the post button.

Hope that helps.

I don't think you would do that if meant you didn't have enough money for your own children, though, would you? They have to be the priority.

As others have said, why on earth did they take on an interest only mortgage? That suggests their ineptitude with money and inability to face facts and make sensible, affordable financial plans goes back a long, long way. They gambled on something turning up to repay the capital when it fell due, and clearly nothing did turn up, so they lost the house. Did they learn nothing from that episode?

This is not your problem to sort out, OP. Tell your partner what your mother said, and you will get the same answers you're getting here. You have enough on your plate paying your own bills and keeping a roof over your heads and your children's heads. Your parents will not starve. They will need to claim benefits and may well need to move, but they will not be left destitute.

Is your mother actually employable? She doesn't sound like a sensible, reliable, practical person. Entitled narcissist would be my guess.

Stay firm!

Do not give any money. How entitled of her to even ask in times like this. She's lazy, she either needs to claim benefits or find a job. Enjoy the silent treatment, it's not your problem

She has two private pensions. There's no reason to assume she would even be eligible for benefits and she would probably have to pay full tax on any job she gets.

They're living way beyond their means and have to downsize.

Since she's not replying to you, leave them to it. None of this is your responsibility.

I agree with the others who say sympathise but don't make any effort to offer any solutions. "Yes, that sounds very hard, what are you going to do?" And if she asks for anything from you have your replies ready "No, sorry, we can't do that, we don't have the money / space / time at the moment, you know how it is with kids". Just keep refusing to help or solve problems for her and keep putting it back on her.

Do not be guilt tripped into giving them financial support. Stay strong and say no. This is their fault for not planning properly. She should have thought of this when she retired at 50.

When she tries to guilt trip you that people should look after their elderly relatives remind her that you absolutely will when she is actually elderly

Wouldn't that be a bit risky, given that OP's dad is already in his mid 70s?
When looking for an "in" it would be only too easy for DM to insist "it's for your dad"

She's not elderly at 63. Op your kids come first I'm sorry, and she is very rude to give you the silent treatment over this.

Your mum is only 63. My mum will retire at this age, yours hasn't been working for 10 years already. It's the time when you make the best money, for most people, so it's the best opportunity to save money into pension pot. You can't provide for children, and parents at the same time. I'm sorry, but you have to think of yourself in this situation, as harsh as it can be for your parents. Take care x

It sounds as though your parents have always been crap at money management, and they're not going to voluntarily change now. They might learn to be a little better with it if they are forced to learn though!

This isn't a one-off crisis, say a huge unexpected bill that can be cleared -- this is their daily life that's brought them to this place. And if you were to help out, it would do the same to you.

Your parents basically have some growing up to do, and fast. Others have advised re checking benefits etc (though with rent that high, I do wonder if maybe they're not in the UK).

Have you told your SO about this, OP? I imagine they're likely to be as horrifed as we all are!

Can you visit? I'd turn up armed with a pen and paper, say you're worried that Mom has said they have no money and you're there to help them with a plan.

If it's bluster, you should see pretty quickly.

First priority is to downsize to a one bed flat. Not sure what the HB rules are for pensioners etc but obv they need to claim.
Are there any other benefits they can claim to help with CT etc?
Find out the local food banks and direct her to a few decent charity shops.
Bring some info on updating her CV and links to job sites.

That's the only help you can reasonably give

Agree. Don't do this. Don't feel like you have to fill the void with any compromise, future promises or any kind of offer. No, "i wish i could help" or "shall i do x for you" or "when the kids are older maybe..." As it'll be an "in" for her. No is a complete sentence. Just no.

Can you imagine a thread where the op says she's taking early retirement and will rely on her dd to fund a high standard of living for them?
I think most people would say she was taking the piss.

Your mum was mean saying the things she did to you. Also very clueless to assume that you can afford to house and feed your family and have anything left over to contribute to another household. Waiting til they had actually run out as well was madness.

Even if you have a little money to give it would be a very short term solution.

They urgently need to seek advice to make sure any benefits they are entitled to are maximised but your mum if healthy is going to be expected to work whether she wants to or not. My mum retired mid 50's and said she was going to look after my kids whilst I worked ( not asked to, I was just told that's what was happening). That was great but had my dad not had a good income, owned his house and had good pensions they would have been in trouble. It turns out it was the right thing as she was diagnosed with dementia a few years later and the decline in her profession would have been unsafe for others but she would have been entitled to benefits due to disability and being unable to work.
She also used to make digs about other peoples children doing things for them, flying them places etc I did as much as I possibly could with gifts days out etc (not buying anything for myself and making sure they weren't out of pocket looking after my kids) but it wasn't enough. I don't know now if she mentally wasn't capable of seeing that at the time.

Is it correct that their monthly rent is £2,000? That's far too much; they should consider downsizing. After all, there are only two of them.

I wonder if some women like the idea of marrying a considerably older man who has worked his way up the career ladder and can provide quite comfortably for them both - but they don't then stop to think about how that's likely to play out in the future.

All very well at 25, with a 40yo DH on a great salary, but when he's looking to retire at 65 and you're still only 50, but you've been banking solely on his income to keep you both comfortable - what happens then?

It's not even just within a marriage relationship, it happens with other age-gap dynamics as well. We know somebody who could have learned to drive, but decided not to pursue it, as her already-retired DF drove her around everywhere whenever she called (she never did like buses). Unsurprisingly, he has now got much older and given up driving and she's stranded.