My retired mum has run out of money at 63!!!!!!

[Lilu1660]

I don't know where to turn to and not managed to tell my SO yet but my mum has told me that she and my dad have no savings left and cant pay their rent or bills this month or for the foreseeable.

My dad is in his mid 70s and works when he can plus has his state pension but my mum retired 10 years ago when she was 50 (she's quite a bit younger than my dad) and is now saying that they have spent all their nest egg. They don't have any assets as they lost their house years ago as they were on an interest only mortgage. They got to keep the market increase in the houses value when they sold so I assumed with that money plus my mum's two private pensions that she had figured out she had enough to retire. My dad has never been good with money and has never saved for his retirement but his plan was to keep working.

My dad has had a recent health scare and has been unable to work for a few months which lead to my mum calling me yesterday saying they have no money, cant pay their rent and they are now getting bank charges and could I take on some of the financial burden. I am an only child so have no siblings to help but I have two kids of my own, a mortgage that is due to double in a few months because of the rising interest rates and my outgoings are spiralling out of control with rising living costs...we are barely scraping by as it is...and its only due to get worse.

I suggested maybe she go back to work (she is totally fit and healthy) but she told me I was being 'cruel' and 'unhelpful' and she wishes she belonged to a community where children took care of their elderly parents. She has not answered my calls or texts since.
I don't understand what her long term plan is? I have a very strained relationship with my parents due to having endured a pretty poor childhood and we don't really talk or communicate very often so they have never been open with me about their finances or life plan.

My mum is my biggest worry. She is only 63! She could conceivably live until her 90s. I cant wrap my head around the fact that her retirement plan seems to have been constantly dipping in to dwindling savings whilst relying on a man in his mid 70s to pay the rent and bills. And now that he cant work, is her plan to now put that financial pressure on to me? Or worse, to come and live with us for the next 20-30 years? We don't have a good relationship so I cant see how she would ever have thought that would be her life plan.

I am now worried sick about how they are going to survive paying rent, spiralling bills etc but I don't feel its the right thing to do to help them. If I help this month what about next month? And next year? And the next 20 years?

If I were to help them in any way short / long term it would be a drop in the ocean compared to what they need to cover themselves every month (their rent alone is £2k a month) and would negatively impact my own financial safety and that of my children's. I feel utterly torn and lost and just cant believe their stupidity and not planning for / seeing this coming!

Is anyone else out there dealing with this?? Or does anyone have any advice at all xxxx

She's possibly a bit overwhelmed by the level of response.
I do hope she realises she doesn't need to respond to this many posters!

At least since covid there's a lot more flexibility in what type of work you can do. I see a lot more women doing things like deliveroo or uber. We've had an elderly husband and wife team do our hermes deliveries from their car. And with things like that you can choose your hours/days. Doing online shopping for one of the supermarkets - shifts tend to be quite short 5-9am for example and you see quite a lot of older people doing it.

Hi OP, what a difficult situ.

Your DM and DF need to sit with a debt advisor and sort out their budget.

I think they need to move £2k a month with and then cut their cloth. This is not for you to fund. A debt advisor can stop the fees and charges for them. Citizens Advice or Age Concern will both help. Message the numbers to her.

They could also claim benefits.

Her reference to saying she wished she lived in a commumity were she could be looked after spoke volumes to me .
it sounds like she has been rather spolit and the plan was for uour dad to work and for her not to .. and now this has unravelled.
she sounds like my dm who only worked a few days in her life , yet her husband( dsd) was still working at aged 84 to keep her in the style she was accustomed to .
she is cross with you because she expects everyone else , anyone , to provide her her lifestyle.
she is an adult, pampered
albeit, she is fit and healthy amd can work .
given her habits and lifestyle amd expectations .. it is really really important that you don not start funding her or you will most probably become the new provider.
It sounds like her mindset is its someone elses job not hers.. dont become that person !

The confusion though was that in none of the forecasts I'd had - by letter - were those years not counted. and when I went onto the system it said I had 38yrs NI (which I did) but then said I had missing years..... The person I spoke to never mentioned 'contracted out' years not counting, just said I needed to pay contributions up to my retirement date 🤷🏼‍♀️. I had to pay 5 missing years, not 3 which it would have been, surely, if it had just been compensating for the contracted out - and anyway contracted out was just a slightly lower NI not NO NI, so why did I have to pay 5 full years to compensate? It really doesn't make sense.

Everyone should do the online forecast though - just so there are no nasty surprises lurking.

Finding a jon is one way to go I suppose. Would it be an in call at her £2k per month gaff?

That's the point I was trying to make but you explained it better

You should go back to them and question that. On the face of it, they were wrong. But there could be other factors (like being born before mid '53) or more contracted out years.

You could query it and ask for a breakdown of why it was needed and for them to show the policy on the government website explaining it.

Surviving in retirement takes a LOT of planning to succeed.
Your parents need to radically downsize. £2k rent per month is totally unsustainable on pensions. I’d even suggest they look at moving to a mobile home/ static caravan type home.
They need to look at benefits they can claim until your DM state pension kicks in at 66 or 67. And she should look for some p/t work —- in a shop, pub, care home, restaurant kitchen or anything else she is qualified for.
You cannot get involved in supporting your parents , that is unfair in you, your partner and your kids.
I retired early, very early but I’d put 20 years of planning into it and predicted exactly how much I’d need to have as income ( I actually have £50 pcm more than that 20 year old predicted figure, that’s how carefully I worked it out)

What entitles them to council tax reduction?

If your Dad is poorly, look into claiming attendance allowance for him. They need to check for any benefits they are entitled to.

I doubt there will be any council tax reduction with a state pension and private pensions coming in. I guess it does depend on the amount though.

I went back to work at the age of 64. I could find my way round computer systems and worked nights as a transport clerk initially for the most money I could earn. I loved the job and only retired at 67 following a serious accident. Needs must when the devil drives tell your mother.

OP you don’t have to respond to everyone individually. That would be nuts. Just take care of yourself and don’t give them any money!!

If she is healthy of course she should work. Covid stopped me at 70 working full time but I still work part-time.

Renting for 2k a month is just bonkers. It's money down the drain unless it's short term or you have enough disposable income. Advise them to move and for your mum to get her lazy arse back to work.

You know, I’ve seen it so many times! The mother usually starts this at around 45/50 and by the time she’s 60, she looks 80, has no friends because looking after (potentially) 5/6 adults, doing their laundering, cooking 3 squares a day (because a sandwich for lunch doesn’t cut it), gardening etc., child rearing at an age that nature (quite sensibly) “retires” (menopause!) you from that (quite stressful) job doesn’t leave you time for friendships.

I’m not sure that @Lilu1660 mother really understands how generational living works but it’s backbreaking for the mother and yes, it’s so that the parents have a good life in retirement (allegedly) but it’s not good really!

There is no way you can support your parents long term. Perhaps you can explain how your own expenses are rising and you just don't have the means. I would offer to pay a month's rent (if I could) to give them a head start and then make sure they knew they were responsible for their debts going forward. Good luck to you.

Posters before me have been a lot more generous in their outlook than I am! You said you have a pretty poor relationship with them because they gave you a shitty childhood (I'm paraphrasing, but that's how it came over to me).

No wonder you did, with such a selfish, emotionally stunted woman like that as your mother.

For the love of Pete, don't part with a penny: you'll build a rod for your own back if you do because she's clearly the sort of person who'd take a mile if you gave an inch.

And don't worry/think about their situation if you can possibly distract yourself. It's your mother and SD's problem, borne of them being utterly unrealistic and indeed downright stupid.

If you wear yourself down over their situation it will impact on your own family and possibly cause problems between you and your DP. And on your mental health.

Don't for the love of God allow her/them to stay over at your home even one single night. Phone the Emergency Housing department at your local Council, by all means if they become homeless, and let them sort it out .. but I'm 100% sure that you wouldn't be able to evict someone with your mother's attitude and feeling of entitlement if she once got her foot in the door.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this.💐

Why on earth did she retire at 50… sounds lazy to me. She needs to get a job, claim any benefits she may be entitled to, move to a smaller property and get real!

I think it is very wrong that she has asked for your help. She needs to work it out for herself!

Oh my word. What a lazy entitled woman she is. I'm embarrassed for her!. You are kinder than me, I'd have cut her off after the "shit" childhood she gave you. She is not your responsibility.
My DH is retiring at 63 from a high stress city career, it's taken years of planning, we have no mortgage and he has a good private pension. Even so, he fully intends to get another (less stressful) job as he wants to have money to be able to treat our adult kids, he would also be bored at home.
The way out of this is not to try to claim benefits (unless your Dd has substantial disabilities and she really is his carer), why should the tax payer pick up the tab for her? She needs to get real, downsize and get a job.

I’ve paid 38 years but still have to pay another 3 to get the full new state pension, by which time I will be 63 (started work at 16, took 4 years out for university). It’s because I contracted out of SERPS when I started a private pension. Lots of older adults are in this boat, paying way more than 35 years.

I mentioned earlier that my MIL is like this. And I want to add that this kind of people know how to manipulate others (family, friends, neighbours). They will make you feel the worst person in this world (especially, she is your mother, blah blah, blah).
My MIL even managed to get some money from her 91 year old MIL! There are no limits, believe me. I am sure she won't work and won't downsize the house. She will rely on her family and make their lives disaster, you will see....

@ThunderstomsAreComing

Great link, thanks for that. You mentioned:

"When you do the pension check online it shows you your entire employment history and when you were paying NI."

Where on the site are you seeing this please? I'd really like to find this information, as I can't quite remember dates of employment from 80s jobs and the employers have been through mergers etc.