My retired mum has run out of money at 63!!!!!!

[Lilu1660]

I don't know where to turn to and not managed to tell my SO yet but my mum has told me that she and my dad have no savings left and cant pay their rent or bills this month or for the foreseeable.

My dad is in his mid 70s and works when he can plus has his state pension but my mum retired 10 years ago when she was 50 (she's quite a bit younger than my dad) and is now saying that they have spent all their nest egg. They don't have any assets as they lost their house years ago as they were on an interest only mortgage. They got to keep the market increase in the houses value when they sold so I assumed with that money plus my mum's two private pensions that she had figured out she had enough to retire. My dad has never been good with money and has never saved for his retirement but his plan was to keep working.

My dad has had a recent health scare and has been unable to work for a few months which lead to my mum calling me yesterday saying they have no money, cant pay their rent and they are now getting bank charges and could I take on some of the financial burden. I am an only child so have no siblings to help but I have two kids of my own, a mortgage that is due to double in a few months because of the rising interest rates and my outgoings are spiralling out of control with rising living costs...we are barely scraping by as it is...and its only due to get worse.

I suggested maybe she go back to work (she is totally fit and healthy) but she told me I was being 'cruel' and 'unhelpful' and she wishes she belonged to a community where children took care of their elderly parents. She has not answered my calls or texts since.
I don't understand what her long term plan is? I have a very strained relationship with my parents due to having endured a pretty poor childhood and we don't really talk or communicate very often so they have never been open with me about their finances or life plan.

My mum is my biggest worry. She is only 63! She could conceivably live until her 90s. I cant wrap my head around the fact that her retirement plan seems to have been constantly dipping in to dwindling savings whilst relying on a man in his mid 70s to pay the rent and bills. And now that he cant work, is her plan to now put that financial pressure on to me? Or worse, to come and live with us for the next 20-30 years? We don't have a good relationship so I cant see how she would ever have thought that would be her life plan.

I am now worried sick about how they are going to survive paying rent, spiralling bills etc but I don't feel its the right thing to do to help them. If I help this month what about next month? And next year? And the next 20 years?

If I were to help them in any way short / long term it would be a drop in the ocean compared to what they need to cover themselves every month (their rent alone is £2k a month) and would negatively impact my own financial safety and that of my children's. I feel utterly torn and lost and just cant believe their stupidity and not planning for / seeing this coming!

Is anyone else out there dealing with this?? Or does anyone have any advice at all xxxx

So sorry. Must feel terribly hard. First off you don't have to give them anything. And if you do decide you can afford it then my advice is to say to her you can offer 'x' amount over a set period while she sorts out her benefits. This should be no more than 12 weeks maximum. And if you can I wouldn't give it as cash but rather as food shop vouchers etc.

Do not get sucked in indefinitely and make it very bounded.

Look up 'daughters of narcissistic mothers / parents', lots of YouTube videos out there

Doctor Ramani in particular is good on this

Don't let your mother put it on you, punish you or make you feel bad. Don't give her more money to squander, she will only ask you for increasing amounts, and won't be grateful, will become more aggressive and demanding in fact.

Look up the grey rock technique, and become s broken record as a pp above says.

Good luck.

Yes she needs 40 years to get a state pension. She also probably did not pay NI when she started full time work if she started at 15 years old.

Also 😆 to retiring at 50. I'm in my early forties and for a few years now, quite often I have moments at work thinking meh, I've kind of had enough now, I'd quite like to retire and spend the rest of my life fannying about on MN and eating brownies in nice coffee shops. But I am at peace with the fact that I will have to work more or less full time till I'm early 60s at least and substantial part time till I'm 70, so the daydream only lasts a few pleasant seconds.

I only know one person who plans to retire at 50. This has been her master plan since her early 20s, she has worked hard and smart since the age of 16 and has achieved maximum responsibility and salary in her position, she has no children, her husband works equally hard and she is very, very switched on and savvy wrt bills and finances and probably has various scenarios mapped out on spreadsheets adjusting for different inflation rates and whatnot.

I'm in my 50s age and was told 35 years' was fine. I'm still working and paying in anyway

It's 39 years.

She couldn't start work at 15 as the school leaving age for women now 63, was 16.

Ok she may have had a part time job at 15, on a Saturday, but it would have been reduced hours per week and she'd not earn enough to pay NI.

stamp? I think it might be 37 now but there or thereabouts. And if you claim child benefit you get it covered for you in case you're a SAHM for a while.

and until april next year you can top up voluntary contributions for 8? years - something like that anyway. After that its only 2 years back

As everyone else has said, your parents need to downsize. Your mum can work.
Their problem to fix.
Sorry, this is an awful position they put you in, very unfair.

Wouldn’t we all like to retire at 50!!

Your mum and dad need to support themselves. She may be entitled to benefits but is still of working age so would likely be expected to try and find work.

This is not your mess to sort!

My mum retired at a similar age but my dad kept working and they could afford it!

I won’t have the option , the same as most middle aged people.

Well if she definitely doesn’t have any money she will get benefits. Get her to claim. You are not responsible for paying her bills

It is 35 full years of NI payments to get a full state pension.

63 is not old, it is not normal retirement age and the reticence to work, of a normal, healthy person, of working age is not your problem.

Sorry to say so, but this sounds like a toxic parent(s) situation. A good parent should love & nurture a child & help them grow into the best adult they can - not look to them as a Plan B like your Mother has.

To retire early, with little or no resource planning was your Mother's choice. To try and guilt trip you into picking up the tab for their life choices is not on, and you should hold on to that.

A couple I know, have always lived for the here and now, spending everything they have (and don't have) and never preparing for their OWN distant future. I don't know if this applies to your parents or not, but £2k a month on rent sounds hefty (there will have been and still are cheaper alternatives). Why choose an interest only mortgage? The couple I know did the same, so they could buy a fancy car or a new sofa every two years. Or ANOTHER new kitchen. Or bathroom. My SO used to complain constantly how much 'better off' and successful they were!

Now the cheap credit, redundancy money etc has run dry, and they tell me they will have to move into a small, cheap terrace.

I strongly suggest you Google 'toxic parents'.

As a decent person, you obviously want to help, but you should limit your help to looking into the possibility of council properties, what benefits they can claim.

I take it she is still getting her private pensions as an annuity and is still living with your dad? if that is the case then both of them will have to apply for UC as a joint claim, your mum's private pension and your dads state one will be deducted £4£ from any UC claim and his wages may preclude a successful claim for UC anyway - she is going to have to get a job

Rent is 2 k per month? There’s absolutely no way you can absorb that kind of amount to help.
Indind it absurd she’s retired so early, with no financial plan.
My dad and step mum took early retirement but were mortgage free and get good pensions.
Can your folks to citizens advice or a financial expert. You can’t help and that’s all there is to it.

My mum retired at 50 and couldn’t afford it. It’s marvellous us tax payers are picking these people up! (My Mum’s a narcissist)
I know that’s not your fault Op. when we get there they’ll be no benefits of pension at all.
Stay well clear, they’ve made their bed

That's what I was told

As everyone else has said, your mum needs to go back to work!
Shes only 3 years older then me and i juggle 8 part time jobs, needs must, end of.

You’re not in a position to help these feckless fools, so don’t even discuss it. If I were you I’d block her number and be done with it

Poor you, paying all that tax so that people can claim benefits, oh sorry, was that just old people getting money or was it a dig at everyone?

It’s probably been posted already, lots of comments so not read the whole thread but there’s a link on GOV.U.K. where you can see what your state pension will be, how many more years to pay in etc. I only need another 7 and I’m at max, I’ve been working properly for 21yrs, had part time jobs before then. I’ve got a good work pension thankfully.

Your mums got a cheek to expect you to support them when she retired at 50. I mean who does that when there’s nothing wrong? Go part time maybe but you can’t just spend all the money meant to see you through old age. Sorry but she’s not part of a community that looks after their elderly in the way she wants (ie her kid gives her money every month), just like you weren’t part of a community where parents put their child first. I’d tell her that this is what the state benefit system is for and they will need to go to CAB to see what they are entitled to. 2k rent seems excessive when they only need a 1bed place, so that will have to change. Just say you can’t afford to contribute, your mum can work, she’s got plenty of time

my mum ‘retired’ at 41, on ill health grounds. She did have a bad back, and was doing factory lifting work but she could have changed jobs. My dad was genuinely sick with a serious lung problem so was entitled to DLA, they lived (mums still alive and not yet 70) very well on benefits, my mums got more than 50k in savings. Some of its from small work pensions but most is saved from benefits. Not having a go at those on benefits, I have been there myself, for a period of time, but it’s not a life style choice in my opinion as you don’t fancy working anymore. She was never perused to work either.

She needs to look on entitled to. But if there rent is high they need to move somewhere cheaper. In my area the council cover about £800 I believe. Obviously depends on each situation. You do not need to bail them out. They must have known this was coming. She is not retirement age and needs to go to work.

It seems that both your parents are financially irresponsible.
Not your problem to sort out their stupidity.

There are many things they can do - downsize, work, be more frugal, see for themselves if there are any benefits they could claim etc

It sounds really stressful but it's not your problem to solve, help out if you can but only if you can and if you don't have a good relationship with them / rubbish childhood then I think you should feel even less responsible towards them.
Rent is expensive but 2k for housing for 2 is extortionate unless you live in a very expensive area of have a house bigger than your needs.
So I think they need to find cheaper accommodation ,
Claim benefits , and
your mum needs to try and find a job, although this maybe be hard if she's 63 and hasn't worked in over 10 years.
I expect they are worried sick but they can't take this out on you.
Perhaps they need to try and get an appointment with citizens advice or similar for help with any debt and benefit claims.
In the short term do they have any assets or anything at home they could sell?
Its an awful position for them to be in but you can't do anything that would put you or your family in a precarious situation.

Tell her she needs to get a job !