My retired mum has run out of money at 63!!!!!!

[Lilu1660]

I don't know where to turn to and not managed to tell my SO yet but my mum has told me that she and my dad have no savings left and cant pay their rent or bills this month or for the foreseeable.

My dad is in his mid 70s and works when he can plus has his state pension but my mum retired 10 years ago when she was 50 (she's quite a bit younger than my dad) and is now saying that they have spent all their nest egg. They don't have any assets as they lost their house years ago as they were on an interest only mortgage. They got to keep the market increase in the houses value when they sold so I assumed with that money plus my mum's two private pensions that she had figured out she had enough to retire. My dad has never been good with money and has never saved for his retirement but his plan was to keep working.

My dad has had a recent health scare and has been unable to work for a few months which lead to my mum calling me yesterday saying they have no money, cant pay their rent and they are now getting bank charges and could I take on some of the financial burden. I am an only child so have no siblings to help but I have two kids of my own, a mortgage that is due to double in a few months because of the rising interest rates and my outgoings are spiralling out of control with rising living costs...we are barely scraping by as it is...and its only due to get worse.

I suggested maybe she go back to work (she is totally fit and healthy) but she told me I was being 'cruel' and 'unhelpful' and she wishes she belonged to a community where children took care of their elderly parents. She has not answered my calls or texts since.
I don't understand what her long term plan is? I have a very strained relationship with my parents due to having endured a pretty poor childhood and we don't really talk or communicate very often so they have never been open with me about their finances or life plan.

My mum is my biggest worry. She is only 63! She could conceivably live until her 90s. I cant wrap my head around the fact that her retirement plan seems to have been constantly dipping in to dwindling savings whilst relying on a man in his mid 70s to pay the rent and bills. And now that he cant work, is her plan to now put that financial pressure on to me? Or worse, to come and live with us for the next 20-30 years? We don't have a good relationship so I cant see how she would ever have thought that would be her life plan.

I am now worried sick about how they are going to survive paying rent, spiralling bills etc but I don't feel its the right thing to do to help them. If I help this month what about next month? And next year? And the next 20 years?

If I were to help them in any way short / long term it would be a drop in the ocean compared to what they need to cover themselves every month (their rent alone is £2k a month) and would negatively impact my own financial safety and that of my children's. I feel utterly torn and lost and just cant believe their stupidity and not planning for / seeing this coming!

Is anyone else out there dealing with this?? Or does anyone have any advice at all xxxx

They've made their bed and now they are going to have to lie in it.

Please don't give in and start helping them financially, otherwise they will bleed you dry as well.

I haven't RTFT but same question has probably been asked - how much do her pensions give her? Why are they living in such an expensive rental, there must be cheaper places surely? Are they just living way beyond their means or did something happen which hit their savings hard?

Either way you can't support them but can point them in the direction of job opportunities, benefits, cheaper accom if they're that incapable.

I think this sort of thing is rife and there are people young and old who just dont know how to budget and put their own enjoyment priorities way above paying rent etc.

Giving up work in your 50's is really stupid and 63 is really no age at all expect that with that gap she might have to undertake role that she might consider is beneath her but hey ho. She might not even get a full state pension as she opted out so early.

As others have said please dont fund their lifestyle and DEFINITELY dont be a guarantor for them.

Your mum's so cheeky. She's obviously desperate to avoid going back to work. Well, tough. She's not in any way old & even a part-time job would bring in more than you could afford to contribute anyway. £2,000 a month for a property means they've been spending pretty liberally. This is your mum's wake-up call but she does need to wake up!

I don't want to post my job on here but it's relevant.

Please pm me if you fancy a chat.

Your money is not the answer. Decide what practical help you are willing to offer eg benefits applications, job applications. And the crucial thing is offer it but let her decide to use it or not. Do not reinforce her dependence. The situation is what it is, worse than some, better than some. She has options she just doesn't like them.

£2k for a rental property is huge. Are we talking about London and the SE?

Without wishing to be rude your DM doesnt sound like the brightest tool so maybe this could be a wake up call for her.

God. With so many people genuinely deserving of benefits, why should the taxpayer be baling them out? All this, 'Check what they are entitled to.' They ought to be entitled to nothing.

They’re paying 2k a month rent and you’re wondering why the savings have run out?

I guess if she wants to pull the community card, you could also be disappointed you don't have better parents. If she wants to go all traditional than really by retiring that young she should've been helping you and never put you in this position. Can't pick and choose what traditions you want to take on.

You can't say that on MN!!!

😱

Honestly, I'd rather my mum was honest and needed financial assistance from me than that she thought it was okay to commit fraud. I value integrity in people, and I'd be ashamed if she lied for financial gain.

First things first, they need to move! Where are they living that costs that much?!

I agree that signposting her to people who can help is the best thing you can do whilst making it quite clear that you simply do not have the money to give her. "Mum, we are barely earning enough to pay our own bills, we cant save and do not have a penny spare to give to you". She can moan and demand all she wants but if they money aint there then it aint there.

Wherever do they live to pay £2000 a month rent. You can find a suitable property almost anywhere for less than half that!

Sacrilege, I know! To suggest that among all the people who have lost their jobs through no fault of their own, or are fleeing abusers or have been trafficked, or are disabled, have learning difficulties etc etc..that possibly just possibly the not unlimited pot of benefits should not extend to people who simply decided to opt out of the labour market because they didn't fancy putting in a shift a while back.

Cor. Imagine.

Where did I say she shouldn't work? I did and I think she should. I was simply pointing out that the pension might well impact on both work and benefits. If she retired through choice ( I didn't) she'll have to face the consequences of her choice.

You endured a poor childhood, and your mother is not talking to you.
The only thing you need to fix here is you worrying about them. Take the advice of other posters re books to read about toxic parents, and grieve the childhood you should have had.
They deserve no help from you financially or otherwise. I'm very angry with them trying to put this on you. How dare they.
Don't bother contacting them, and push back hard if they contact you to rescue them.

You actually don't sound as if you're in a position to help in any case, and things are tight for most of us now. It sounds as if she has been incredibly irresponsible, either using her nest egg to pay for the rent (which is very short-sighted unless her plan was for you to pick up the tab...) or squandering it without thinking of the future. Why on earth do they live somewhere with a 2K rent? They are going to have to rethink their lifestyle, urgently, aren't they?

your mother needs to get a grip in reality , agree with previous poster

Could they move into some sort of over 60’s sheltered accommodation??

My mum did something similar when she was 60, although she didn't expect me to pay for her. Or didn't say it anyway. I went down the road of helping her look at her options and she chose to go back to work. She is 70 next month and has decided to properly retire at the end of this month.

I do worry about how she'll manage though because she has very poor financial management, struggles to budget and doesn't get the concept of looking ahead to the future, which is what got her into the mess in the first place.

That aside, I've never given her money for her expenses or bills and I never will. This is because at best it would only be plugging a hole and that hole is only going to get bigger. And where does it end? It also wouldn't encourage her to look after her money any better. In the past when she has received any unexpected money, she spends it on frivolous things rather than being sensible. Budgeting and being sensible is boring, it's not like I enjoy it but it's what you have to do!

I help her in other ways such as taking her to Age UK for advice, getting the best prices for things like her utilities, phone and bills (she has no internet access) and I once went through her bank statements and showed her very clearly where her money was going. This was a bit of a shock to her and helped her cut her spending down for a while. (She's not a mad spendthrift but it was every other day at the local shop buying a bottle of wine and a packet of cigarettes - it soon mounts up.)

With my mum it's a mix of her not being very savvy with money but some of it is learned helplessness. I know if I offered to take over everything for her she would leap at the chance. But I have my own stuff. I'm happy to support her practically but that's it, she needs to take action for herself.

@Itsabitnotcold how did they hide the money? Genuinely interested

They need to go and speak to someone for advice. If you want to, Maybe help them contact the CAB, help them look up what they are entitled to, tell them how to contact debt agencies or give practical help downsizing, but absolutely do not feel it is your responsibility to fund their poor financial planning or lifestyle choices.

It doesn't matter whether they fit the Victorian standards for the Deserving Poor - there is still a state safety net - not that it'll keep them in the manner to which the 2k rent implies they are accustomed, but it will keep a roof over their heads.

This is the reason that the OP doesn't need to allow herself to be emotionally blackmailed into debt and poverty herself in order to financially support her apparently working age mother and pension age father. The alternative is not going to be sleeping in a shop doorway even if her mother can't find a job at 63 with a 13 year gap on her CV. Her father isn't able to work any more but she doesn't have to support him if her mother simply won't.

Her father has seemingly worked into his 70s until ill health stopped him, so any claim he "shouldn't" be entitled to anything (including his state pension and rent top up if necessary) is punitive in the extreme!

Do you think being financially incompetent should be punished with total withdrawal of entitlement to any state safety net even if this directly results in unwell 70+ year olds becoming street homeless and dying in the first cold snap? That's what your "shouldn't be entitled to anything" directly concludes with, unless you think their next of kin (could be siblings or cousins perhaps if no children?) is obligated to house and feed them regardless whether they have any kind of relationship.

Do not allow their awful decisions become your problem.

Do not allow them to drag you down.

You do not have a good relationship, this is the perfect time to back further away from them.

Your mother's entitlement is extraordinary.

Your sole loyalty and responsibility is to YOUR children.

Do not allow them to try and move into your home under ANY circumstances.

This is not your situation to fix.