My retired mum has run out of money at 63!!!!!!

[Lilu1660]

I don't know where to turn to and not managed to tell my SO yet but my mum has told me that she and my dad have no savings left and cant pay their rent or bills this month or for the foreseeable.

My dad is in his mid 70s and works when he can plus has his state pension but my mum retired 10 years ago when she was 50 (she's quite a bit younger than my dad) and is now saying that they have spent all their nest egg. They don't have any assets as they lost their house years ago as they were on an interest only mortgage. They got to keep the market increase in the houses value when they sold so I assumed with that money plus my mum's two private pensions that she had figured out she had enough to retire. My dad has never been good with money and has never saved for his retirement but his plan was to keep working.

My dad has had a recent health scare and has been unable to work for a few months which lead to my mum calling me yesterday saying they have no money, cant pay their rent and they are now getting bank charges and could I take on some of the financial burden. I am an only child so have no siblings to help but I have two kids of my own, a mortgage that is due to double in a few months because of the rising interest rates and my outgoings are spiralling out of control with rising living costs...we are barely scraping by as it is...and its only due to get worse.

I suggested maybe she go back to work (she is totally fit and healthy) but she told me I was being 'cruel' and 'unhelpful' and she wishes she belonged to a community where children took care of their elderly parents. She has not answered my calls or texts since.
I don't understand what her long term plan is? I have a very strained relationship with my parents due to having endured a pretty poor childhood and we don't really talk or communicate very often so they have never been open with me about their finances or life plan.

My mum is my biggest worry. She is only 63! She could conceivably live until her 90s. I cant wrap my head around the fact that her retirement plan seems to have been constantly dipping in to dwindling savings whilst relying on a man in his mid 70s to pay the rent and bills. And now that he cant work, is her plan to now put that financial pressure on to me? Or worse, to come and live with us for the next 20-30 years? We don't have a good relationship so I cant see how she would ever have thought that would be her life plan.

I am now worried sick about how they are going to survive paying rent, spiralling bills etc but I don't feel its the right thing to do to help them. If I help this month what about next month? And next year? And the next 20 years?

If I were to help them in any way short / long term it would be a drop in the ocean compared to what they need to cover themselves every month (their rent alone is £2k a month) and would negatively impact my own financial safety and that of my children's. I feel utterly torn and lost and just cant believe their stupidity and not planning for / seeing this coming!

Is anyone else out there dealing with this?? Or does anyone have any advice at all xxxx

She retired at 50 without a proper pension in place? She's completely stupid, she should have carried on working ft from age 50 up to 68 (or as long as she physically can) and overpaid into a pension so that when the time came that her husband who is older could no longer work due to age they'd have enough to survive. It doesn't sound like you are in a great position to help whether you wanted to or not, she needs to find work, she is still below retirement age at 63 or see if there any benefits they can get (if she isn't disabled or unable able to work I'm not sure what you'd be entitled to? Very little I'd assume). Don't feel guilty about saying no, this is their own lack of financial planning, not your problem.

Your Mum has to get a job or investigate what they might get in benefits. I feel sorry for your Dad.

Don't offer financial help; mortgages, bills are going up and you have your young family to care for. You must consider them first.

We did once help my MIL with money to pay a gas bill but she was widowed, struggling financially and way past retirement age. She was very grateful. What I did do was investigate if she was entitled to help with rent and Council tax (she was) and entitled to more pension too. She hadn't realised.

@Lilu1660 there’s a phrase you need to learn op.
I’d love to help you but I just don’t have the money.
repeat as necessary.

As someone slightly older than your mum, I agree she needs to find work and they need to find out about benefits they can get.
This is not a case of unfeeling younger people tossing parents aside.
Your parents must take responsibility for themselves - sounds like it'll be a new experience for them.

I’m an old child too and dread this happening. My mum has worked in fairly low paid roles her whole life, single mother, no particular fault of her own. But she was a TA for 12 years then in the NHS for a few, I believe she opted out of both pensions. She is now in the private sector and paying into a pension but I suspect it will be only be a few 10s of thousands by the time she retires. She did have a husband so I thought at least he’d be there to help out with a second state pension and whatever private pensions he held, but their marriage has broke down. Fortunately she is in a Housing Association property where the rent is cheap.

But still I dread the day she asks me for help, she has left it too late. If she gets dementia or similar too it will all be on me to sort everything out too. 😥

*only child!

@Lilu1660

You just put an @ then start typing the name of the person you want to reply to which will tag them, or you click the 3 little dots at the bottom of the post & the top option is Quote.

If you quote, their post is copied into the top your your posts.

Your mum needs to sign on or get a job.
Your parents need to move to somewhere they can afford if their rent etc.. is too high.
It is really unfair of her to put so much pressure on you when she has intentionally done this to herself.

My 69 year old mum has a part-time job, why can't your 63 year old mum get a part-time job?! Tell her to be more constructive, and have a can do attitude. You can't go back and change the past, but you can change the future. I would be fuming.

I'm in my 20's (just about) and rent so I don't know much about entitlements and mortgages and of these things, but I have to say the way I see it is as a health person with no disabilities or conditions and no dependents, the only thing she can really do is rent a room in a house share and claim benefits. Couples can rent rooms too.

She can't put pressure on you because she wants a different lifestyle. Doing what I've suggested above means she will be able to live and get by and it's really important people like her can access that support. Anything above that would be a choice that she needs to fund herself.

She has a safety net already OP. She doesn't need you to provide for her, she wants you to. At the detriment of her own child (you) and your own children. Don't entertain it.

Gosh OP, how stressful.

My MIL retired in her early 50s and is now at a similar age to your mum and refuses to get a job whilst she sits at home playing Candy crush on her phone all day. She is constantly telling us that she has no money and hints she wants us to pay for things, including holidays, car insurance etc. I have no intention of doing so. I just ignore all of it.

2k seems an inordinate amount to me FFS.Would they qualify for a Sheltered housing scheme or suchlike maybe worth looking at.They are certainly in a bind here but its not your problem to sort out !

@JoanOfAllTrades Your post made me giggle! Yeah, the OP's mum clearly has no notion of the trade-off in a multigenerational living culture. Nowhere in the world does it mean that a fit and healthy 63 year old sits on her backside in her own, overpriced rented house while the daughter finances her lifestyle! If she was in that sort of culture she'd be working her socks off to earn her keep, as you describe.

👏👏👏

@Itsabitnotcold

MIL did exactly the same! She left in her 40s sold their house, hid the money and got a council flat. So thankfully took responsibility for their own finances.

Do you mean she hid the money so she could fraudulently claim housing benefit?

I'm not sure I'd class that as taking "responsibility for their own finances."

No, quite the opposite.

You need to tell her you can not and will not be giving her any money. You were her back up retirement plan (after your dad).

Most people these days work until they're at least 65. She gave up work over 15 years early. Working from 15 means she worked 35 years ... the 15 years she didnt work is almost half that. How did she expect to retire after only working two thirds of a normal working life?

Had she kept working maybe they could have paid off enough of the house or savings for a small house or flat so they would have an extra £2K a month not spent on rent!

She's made her bed and this is her lying in it. Do not let the FOG drag you and your children down with her. Where would the extra money come from? Taken from your own retirement savings so you end up doing the same to your kids? You had a bad relationship with her growing up for a reason. You've been conditioned to feel FOG by her but it isn't normal. You wouldn't do this to your children. You are not responsible for her. You are her child, not her parent.

Nrtft

what can you do realistically? Even if you did want to, coming up with the money they need each month just isn’t possible.

all you can do is say that you simply don’t have the money to help and direct her to people who can help.

they must have seen this coming as their savings dwindled. Why leave it until the point of having nothing before seeking help?!

I’d want to help my DPs if they needed it but I honestly couldn’t afford to - we can barely cover our own living costs.

it’s not your problem OP. Leave them to it, they’re grown ups and can sort it out!

Hi, so sorry your going through this! If your parents can't afford their rent then they should move and if they have no savings, due to being pensioners they are unlikely to get a private tenancy. Sounds like they need to apply for a council house and sort out benefits. Your mum being 63 I assume could either get universal credit or state pension (if she has contributed enough) best of luck! I hope she gets sorted but it is a 100 % not your responsibility to financially support them. Maybe contact citizens advice and see what support they can access.

She's an adult. This is her responsibility. Don't do anything.

this. My dad is 66 works full time and doesn’t look like he will be slowing down(although the only time off he last taking off is when he goes abroad)he takes a week off and end up going back after a few days, has always been like this but then his mum(my wee nan) worked 2jobs until she was nearly 90. Your mum is being incredibly entitled and selfish

OP another one saying don't agree to be guarantor on a flat for them. With their track record you would become liable for their unpaid rent fairly quickly.

I'm nearly 50 and there's no way I want to or can give up work! I'll work until I'm 67 then do something part time, paid into a pension the whole time as well. I intend you never ever be any kind of burden to my DC financially or otherwise. My parents are putting the pressure on a bit re me "looking after them in their dotage" and it makes me quite resentful given the lack of support I had after having DC. My mum would have been 59 at the time but did the whole "I'm too old to be taking that on"...at 59 I intend to be trekking round the world, going on yoga retreats plus working and helping out with grandkids (maybe)... Not sitting on my backside complaining about being old! Don't give in to them op, excellent advice from other posters.

Well no. I don't condone it. Yes they hid the money so they could claim more benefits than they're really entitled to. What I mean was. They didn't then come to us asking for money. They sorted their own money, fraudulently or otherwise, and they don't actually think they're relying on anyone else or that they are being supported. They believe they paid into a system that is now paying out. Like a savings account really. They just have no idea how different the amounts they paid in vs are taking out are. They must take more a year than they ever paid in in their lifetimes.

I suspect my inlaws may do this at some point (although to be fair FIL still works in his 70s) but as they are always splashing the cash & on holidays now I won't want to be bailing them out down the line if/when they run out of cash.

I don't blame them for wanting to enjoy their lives now & if they can financially support their choices of course that's fine, but if they haven't done their own financial forecasting for the future then that's their lookout. I know they look at DH and see ££ though!