My retired mum has run out of money at 63!!!!!!

[Lilu1660]

I don't know where to turn to and not managed to tell my SO yet but my mum has told me that she and my dad have no savings left and cant pay their rent or bills this month or for the foreseeable.

My dad is in his mid 70s and works when he can plus has his state pension but my mum retired 10 years ago when she was 50 (she's quite a bit younger than my dad) and is now saying that they have spent all their nest egg. They don't have any assets as they lost their house years ago as they were on an interest only mortgage. They got to keep the market increase in the houses value when they sold so I assumed with that money plus my mum's two private pensions that she had figured out she had enough to retire. My dad has never been good with money and has never saved for his retirement but his plan was to keep working.

My dad has had a recent health scare and has been unable to work for a few months which lead to my mum calling me yesterday saying they have no money, cant pay their rent and they are now getting bank charges and could I take on some of the financial burden. I am an only child so have no siblings to help but I have two kids of my own, a mortgage that is due to double in a few months because of the rising interest rates and my outgoings are spiralling out of control with rising living costs...we are barely scraping by as it is...and its only due to get worse.

I suggested maybe she go back to work (she is totally fit and healthy) but she told me I was being 'cruel' and 'unhelpful' and she wishes she belonged to a community where children took care of their elderly parents. She has not answered my calls or texts since.
I don't understand what her long term plan is? I have a very strained relationship with my parents due to having endured a pretty poor childhood and we don't really talk or communicate very often so they have never been open with me about their finances or life plan.

My mum is my biggest worry. She is only 63! She could conceivably live until her 90s. I cant wrap my head around the fact that her retirement plan seems to have been constantly dipping in to dwindling savings whilst relying on a man in his mid 70s to pay the rent and bills. And now that he cant work, is her plan to now put that financial pressure on to me? Or worse, to come and live with us for the next 20-30 years? We don't have a good relationship so I cant see how she would ever have thought that would be her life plan.

I am now worried sick about how they are going to survive paying rent, spiralling bills etc but I don't feel its the right thing to do to help them. If I help this month what about next month? And next year? And the next 20 years?

If I were to help them in any way short / long term it would be a drop in the ocean compared to what they need to cover themselves every month (their rent alone is £2k a month) and would negatively impact my own financial safety and that of my children's. I feel utterly torn and lost and just cant believe their stupidity and not planning for / seeing this coming!

Is anyone else out there dealing with this?? Or does anyone have any advice at all xxxx

I'm nearly 60 and I would love to retire but understand that I can't afford to - and that's with 30 years of pensionable service! What on earth did your mother do all those years?!

Do not even consider, not for one minute, helping your parents out financially! Why should you and your children have to go without when you were brought up with so little, and because of their financial mismanagement? Why the hell are they paying so much rent?! They will just have to live according to their means. She didn't only 'just realise' they were running out of money either. I'd even question whether that is in fact the case.

Just tell her firmly that you can barely afford to support your own family never mind the two of them - and don't ever let them live with you because they would ruin your family life. Do not be guilted into this under any circumstances! x

Care work is more realistic than some other suggestions. Hard physical work so she will struggle, but they will take almost anyone.

don't bother giving her money

It will never be enough

If you give her 500 a month, she'll say it's not enough. If you give £1500 9as if anyone could afford that) she'll say it does not even cover rent...etc etc You can't win that, it will simply never be enough

Her lamenting that you are not looking after her is pathetic. you do not owe her. You really do not.

So, she needs to figure out that she needs to work, that they need a much cheaper place to live, and that's that. You are not even responsible to point this out to her.

Be (a bit) sympathetic but also firm and say: I don't have extra money. full stop

1. She needs to get a job if she's run out of money.
2. They should move to a cheaper place if they can't pay the rent on where they're living.
3. They should speak to the Citizens' Advice about what benefits they may be entitled to or they can put their details into an online benefits calculator: www.entitledto.co.uk/

As for you OP, just keep reiterating that you're not in a financial position to be able to offer them help and with your DM still being below retirement age, the onus is on her to work to support herself. When she reaches state retirement age, presumably she will be entitled to a state pension (although with her giving up work at 50 her state pension may be reduced - I'm not sure).

She will struggle to find reasonable employment, I imagine, because it's hard to see that she'd have skills that are valuable, given the predicament she has put herself in.

She may not have wanted to work, but there are lots of little ways in which you can manage money, invest and earn pocket money that don't involve labour.

I'm saying this not to demean her, but to point out how much she has stuck her head in the sand about her income before basically demanding you to sort it.

This is utterly insane! Your mum “retired” off her own back and when she only had a finite amount of savings and even that didn’t last had until she could get her state pension. That’s her problem! She needs to stop saying she’s retired and realise she’s just not working through laziness!

2k a month in rent is a joke! They need to cut their cloth and downsize. Get their names on the council now n apply for benefits. My mother lived on £73 a week in a council flat between ages 63-67, she’s only just got her state pension. No one would employ her with a first class degree and extensive work experience so I don’t hold out much hope of her getting a job now at her age, especially if there’s a gap.

whatever you do do not give them a penny, it wouldn’t help anyway! Good luck x

Similar situation. 62 year-old divorced mother with a fixed sum of money to live on that she is burning through. I suspect she thinks one of her children will step in when she runs out of money. No chance of her getting a job stacking shelves to bring in some income - too much pride (retired doctor though hasn’t worked in this country so no gold plated pension).
I just don’t know what we’re going to do when she has no money left :(

Jesus H Christ🙄🙄

Entitled much.......

Do not engage.😡

Other people's bad life decisions = not your responsibility. Your mother made a bad decision. Your children shouldn't pay for that.

Sorry this has landed on your plate @Lilu1660 Your Mum needs to take responsibility for paying her own way in life.

Glad you have got good advice above. Your Mum should also go to citizens advice, helping hands or the like to work out a future plan for her & your Dad. This is their problem to solve not yours.

She needs to get a job. Her comments about this suggestion as ‘cruel’ says everything about her sense of entitlement. The only people I know who have retired at 50 are incredibly wealthy.

Totally agree with others that you should not offer any money at all. Even small amounts won’t make any difference but will open the door to attempts to ratchet up the amount.

The emotional blackmail will kick in very quickly as she has left it very late to tell you about their situation. I’d try to offer as much practical help with CA, council etc but definitely not financial.

Your parents have been completely irresponsible.

If you bail them out financially now, they will see you as a source of income and you will never be free of them.

If you think your parents would be in any way receptive, you could offer to sit down with them and work out what money they have coming in, what they have going out, and where they could cut back, plus identifying any benefits they may be entitled to.

But if the only thing that will satisfy them is you putting your hand in your pocket and giving them money you can't afford, you'll just have to be firm until they get the message.

Agreeing with what everyone here is saying.

NOT. YOUR. PROBLEM.

Your parents have been irresponsible with their finances and have made terrible decisions. Please don't be guilt-tripped into helping them, even just once. You'll end up jeopardising your own finances.

I am so sorry you are in this position.

just wanted to add to the sea of people saying - this is not your responsibility. You do not need to feel guilty about saying no.

Your mother is being selfish. By throwing herself on you financially when you are barely coping, she is showing that she would rather blight the next 2 generations than get a job. This is far from the norm.

😂 like care work is a walk in the park. It can also be a hard physical struggle and less pay than being a flexi delivery driver with Amazon for example.

She will struggle to find reasonable employment, I imagine, because it's hard to see that she'd have skills that are valuable, given the predicament she has put herself in.

my friend of 62 has walked into 3 jobs this year, the first 2 jobs she stayed for a while but didn't like so juts moved on - its an employees market and from shelve stacking to cleaning people are crying out for workers so she'd not have any trouble getting a job - if she wanted one

In the case of the ops mother, she doesn't want to work so will not look for a job and expect a hand out from op

I'm so very sorry to read about your parents and the pressure your mother is putting on you.

A couple of things struck me as I read your post @Lilu1660.

Your mother says she wishes that she came from a culture where kids care for their parents in multigenerational homes - I do come

Your mother is ridiculous and entitled. I feel angry on your behalf OP!
Of course she should not have retired at 50; she should have been working for the past 13 years. And absolutely they should not be paying 2K rent per month - that is totally ridiculous by any standards! Not your responsibility to sort this out - it's her own problem not yours; don't feel guilty.

@ihatethefuckingmuffin Care work is bloody hard work and takes real skills to do it well. But it is so underpaid that it is fairly easy to get a job there. It should not be. Good care homes are harder to get a job in, but if you will work anywhere most people can get something.

Tell her that Royal Mail is hiring for Christmas workers.

You could contact social services tell them of your concerns they might go out and speak to them give them a ring up and see if there's any help that there need

All you can do, and it may be a big help as they both seem to be bad with money and planning, is help them work out a monthly budget. Write down all their expenses and brainstorm ways to reduce outgoing and increase incoming funds. Can they take in a lodger? Reduce utility bills? Cancel subscriptions? Sell an unused car or other items? Cut their grocery bills by eating beans and rice and drinking tap water? Eliminate any inessentials? Move?

As for incoming, start with the two pensions and any savings. They both claim whatever benefits they can, immediately. Mother gets started looking for a job (with consideration of how this impacts the benefits).

Every time she asks for other kinds of help, go back to the budget and ask what more can be tweaked. The only way it would make any sense to lend them anything is if it's a matter of cash flow and a specific amount for a specific purpose, for example they can't pay this month's rent but will have the money within a short time so a loan helps keep them from being evicted. They may also be eligible for a small commerical loan on the strength of the pensions.

I wouldn't give any money, unless you want to start something that's going to never end for years! She can call up universal credit to check for benefit entitlement. They may tell her to get a job. But at least she could sign on, until she gets one. They could downsize to a bedsit to pay cheaper rent. Or stop paying the rent to make themselves homeless, for the council to help out. It's too much to ask of you, as it may push your family deeper into debt. Your family comes first.

The only way it would make any sense to lend them anything is if it's a matter of cash flow

Lending money makes no sense at all because it sets up an expectation that OP will bail them out; and you can bet that those 'matters of cash flow' will become more and more frequent.

On mobile so posted too early!

I come from such a community/culture and generally, the parents already have a home and usually the eldest son and his wife or a daughter and her husband will stay in the home with the parents. However, all adults except the mother work and she is solely responsible for all the domestic duties including laundry and cleaning and when children start arriving for all childcare. And this continues* *until she is so elderly as to be basically dead!

Your mother doesn't sound like she would enjoy this type of situation at all!

The U.K. has extremely generous welfare programs, in terms of paying rent etc. Where I live, you get a set amount for rent based on your need and you have to use your benefit money to make up the shortfall! Make sure that your parents are getting all they are entitled too but your mother needs to get a job! She is too young to retire! No-one gives up work completely at 50! Some people retrain for new jobs at that age!

Ask your mum if she would like to come and make up a multigenerational household with me - I quite fancy the idea of having all my domestics and gardening done! Oooo and a dinner cooked for me every night and breakfast and lunch made for me! Heaven!