My retired mum has run out of money at 63!!!!!!

[Lilu1660]

I don't know where to turn to and not managed to tell my SO yet but my mum has told me that she and my dad have no savings left and cant pay their rent or bills this month or for the foreseeable.

My dad is in his mid 70s and works when he can plus has his state pension but my mum retired 10 years ago when she was 50 (she's quite a bit younger than my dad) and is now saying that they have spent all their nest egg. They don't have any assets as they lost their house years ago as they were on an interest only mortgage. They got to keep the market increase in the houses value when they sold so I assumed with that money plus my mum's two private pensions that she had figured out she had enough to retire. My dad has never been good with money and has never saved for his retirement but his plan was to keep working.

My dad has had a recent health scare and has been unable to work for a few months which lead to my mum calling me yesterday saying they have no money, cant pay their rent and they are now getting bank charges and could I take on some of the financial burden. I am an only child so have no siblings to help but I have two kids of my own, a mortgage that is due to double in a few months because of the rising interest rates and my outgoings are spiralling out of control with rising living costs...we are barely scraping by as it is...and its only due to get worse.

I suggested maybe she go back to work (she is totally fit and healthy) but she told me I was being 'cruel' and 'unhelpful' and she wishes she belonged to a community where children took care of their elderly parents. She has not answered my calls or texts since.
I don't understand what her long term plan is? I have a very strained relationship with my parents due to having endured a pretty poor childhood and we don't really talk or communicate very often so they have never been open with me about their finances or life plan.

My mum is my biggest worry. She is only 63! She could conceivably live until her 90s. I cant wrap my head around the fact that her retirement plan seems to have been constantly dipping in to dwindling savings whilst relying on a man in his mid 70s to pay the rent and bills. And now that he cant work, is her plan to now put that financial pressure on to me? Or worse, to come and live with us for the next 20-30 years? We don't have a good relationship so I cant see how she would ever have thought that would be her life plan.

I am now worried sick about how they are going to survive paying rent, spiralling bills etc but I don't feel its the right thing to do to help them. If I help this month what about next month? And next year? And the next 20 years?

If I were to help them in any way short / long term it would be a drop in the ocean compared to what they need to cover themselves every month (their rent alone is £2k a month) and would negatively impact my own financial safety and that of my children's. I feel utterly torn and lost and just cant believe their stupidity and not planning for / seeing this coming!

Is anyone else out there dealing with this?? Or does anyone have any advice at all xxxx

Not your problem. Go NC, is my advice. I have no tolerance for whiny entitled people, family or otherwise!

Text to mum
'Dm you must be so upset and worried. Im sorry that I cannot swoop in and save the day but I don't have the money to do that. I can help by guiding you to the right people.
Eg universal credit (phone. Number) citizens advice, shelter etc. I hope you get some solid help soon. Let me now if I can help researching anything.'

Don't sign anything
Don't send any money. 'Sorry I need that for x's school dinners etc. did you ring CAB?'

Your mum needs to get a job!
Most people of 63 nowadays are still working.
To retire at 50 in 2010ish is quite uncommon/lucky.
If she can't get a job, they need to downsize.

Could your parents downsize or move somewhere that is lower rent?

It doesn’t sound like your parents have either been reckless with their spendings and or didn’t pre-plan and pre-save well enough for their retirements

Your mum is most likely going to have to suck it up and go back to work. I can’t think of any other good option here other than this or moving to somewhere with lower rent but even that most likely will not see her through another possible 30 years. Maybe she should go back to work for the next 5 years or so as well.

It is not your financial responsibility to pay your parents bills and rent, you could end up really doing yourself out of a lot of money here and ending up messing up your own future plans

I'd enjoy her not contacting you and stop contacting her. Problem solved. Get on with your life.

DO NOT bail them out, ever. She's emotionally manipulating and guilting you in a callous way, when she's the one who couldn't be arsed to work from 50 onwards, burned through all her money and quite clearly assumed they could just then get you to bail them out when they needed it. It's horrible.

Stop worrying about your mum. As your rightly said she's able bodied and completely able to work and earn money.

Then they will have to try to get their debts sorted, but you have a young family and you cannot take on this debt or this load around your neck.

Just from this one post I can tell why your relationship is strained with them. They sound awful or at least your mum does, and your dad maybe just acquiesces to everything. Either way, not your problem.

Before anyone is offended, many parents do really deserve help from their kids, but to me this is exploitative and unpleasant and not the right call to help.

@Lilu1660 - I’m not sure if anyone else has said this (I’ve only skimmed the thread), but if you click on the three dots at the bottom right corner of a post, you get the option to quote that post. If you want to tag someone, you put @ followed by their name - eg. @ SDTGisanEvilWolefGenius (but without the space after the @) you tag them

My only response would be “This sounds like a YOU problem” and I wouldn’t engage further.

MIL did exactly the same! She left in her 40s sold their house, hid the money and got a council flat. So thankfully took responsibility for their own finances.

It is 100% not your responsibility to fund her. Had she "come from one of those communities where children look after their parents" at 50 I presume she would had to have continue working full time to provide for her own parents!

She needs to get a job or at the very least get down to the job centre.

Just explain you have kids to provide for, you can't do both and since she chose to stop working it's not really your problem.

Your parents are a financial disaster and this has no doubt been coming for a long time.

First they lost a house because they failed to plan for paying off the capital. Then your mum thinks she’s above work at 50, even though she is healthy. They rent a property that costs a ridiculous sum a month and have left nothing for their old age. This is insanity. Entitled insanity.
I wouldn’t be surprised if your mum doesn’t get a full state pension as she probably doesn’t have enough NI contributions.

THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Your mum’s attitude stinks, it’s appalling and pathetic.

Please do not give them any money at all. It’s time for them to face the problem they have made for themselves. They will have to move to smaller and cheaper accommodation, they have to enquire about benefits, your mum needs to get a job, and they have to make a budget.

Your mum is acting like she’s 80 and infirm. She’s perfectly healthy and chose to fritter away all her money. And now SHE has to pay the price, not you.

I am an only child too, and I can understand your worry and guilt, but please, this is a lesson they need to learn, it is clearly sorely overdue.

Honestly, just take a large step back - do not ‘help’ them, or then you are partly to blame if the help you gave does not sort their problems .
£2000 for rent - utterly ridiculous.
just stay right out of it.
Remember 60 is the new 40

💐💐for you OP. A lot of really good advice here. Do not put your life and that of your family at risk, nor be bullied. Be strong.

You are a parent, your first priority is your children. If your mum would take money from her grandchildren when there is no real reason she can't work, then she's showed you who she really is and it's time to step away.

There isn't much you can do money wise. Tell her you're struggling yourself and can't afford to help. You have no spare money. She can hardly argue with that. She'll have to find a job, claim benefits, downsize to a cheaper place to live such as a one bedroom flat (grandkids can sleep on a fold out bed in the living room if they stay over) and look at ways to cut her spending. Stepchange are excellent at helping you manage debt.

Tell her you'll help her in ways you can, without giving her money you don't have. If she still gives you the silent treatment, then let her! Don't chase her like you've done something wrong. Can you talk to your dad, if he's more reasonable?

@Lilu1660 - Absolutely do not be a guarantor for them, either.
Can’t believe that they are asking you to help when they have been insanely bad with money.

Do not let them move in with you it will be a disaster. Act for them if they floundering ring universal credit start a claim or you can just assist to sort getting universal credit but in the short term they should make a payment arrangement for the rent. Councils have discretionary funds for rent if no money yet. They can also negotiate with landlords as they want a roof over peoples heads. At their age the council may also have more willing or resources to help find new accommodation. Over 55’s flats are sometimes more readily available. If not some letting agents do no deposit schemes and if no guarantor available the local council can help as guarantor don’t you do it!

I have an uncle who fell on hard times like them but family never let him move in but they helped sort everything with benefits and the council to get him living independently in his own new flat. Better off that way.

It is 100% not your responsibility to fund her. Had she "come from one of those communities where children look after their parents" at 50 I presume she would had to have continue working full time to provide for her own parents!

Well quite! With so many people living into their 90s she could still be doing it.

I suggested maybe she go back to work (she is totally fit and healthy) but she told me I was being 'cruel' and 'unhelpful' and she wishes she belonged to a community where children took care of their elderly parents.

Do not give her money. Do not let her move in with you. She is an adult and can work.

Honestly, who pays 2k rent a month? Point her to CAB and UC.

Have your parents made out to their friends that they own their rented house and money has been spent to prop up the appearance of being financially ok

Not that it's OP's problem, but I wondered about this myself; as a PP also said, that £2000 rent could be the tip of an iceberg of wasted money

Anyway it's not often we get an AIBU where practically everyone agrees, so if OP'd still reading I guess the message is fairly clear

this.
It is the only long term solution.
And it will mean they have to live within their means too

Also teach your kids some healthy barriers. Don’t want gran trying to guilt trip them when they start getting their own finances. Or using them to ply on the guilt whilst still minors.

I can't believe that she has been cheerfully dipping int their savings month after month without even once thinking - "I'd better get off my backside and get a p/t job otherwise we're going to have no capital left."

She's retired early (lovely - we'd all love to do that), spent every penny they have and now expects you to pick up the slack? It's just not practical or possible - you have a responsibility to your own children. Yes, the odd tenner to help out with shopping if necessary, but they will both have to accept that their current lifestyle just isn't sustainable.

I do feel for you, though - I would be worried sick about my parents in a situation like this as well. It's so difficult - even when we don't get on with our parents out feelings tend to be very complex. How much help has she given you over the years? Is she a good grandmother? (Because rightly or wrongly, this would affect my judgement towards her . . . ) How much do her private pensions come to?

She is fit and well, so as others have suggested - downsize and get a job. That's all she can do. I'm nearly 70 myself, fairly fit, and I hope I would never land a dilemma like this on either of my children unless I was too ill to help myself. She's put you in a dreadful position.

Maybe point them in the direction of a local advice charity that can help them to manage any debts and identify if they're entitled to any financial help. Then make it clear that you cannot take on financial responsibility for two grown adults, so they will need to find their own solutions.

I haven't read the whole thread, but I would say that I couldn't help financially, but would be happy to sit down with her/them and go through their incomings and outgoings and help them identify any savings they can make etc.
It's absolutely not unreasonable not to give them money you don't have!

(sorry for any spelling, punctuation mistakes I have FND and it's caused damage to my brain)

I can completely see why your so worried and I'd hope your Mum has just kicked off at you because she is scared but none of this is your fault and of course you need to be able to take care of your DC and yourself first!

In the meantime If you feel your able to and you want to I'd be telling your Mum to contact the CAB(citizens advice) she'll need to make an appointment because they are unbelievably busy because of the cost of living crisis,make sure she takes any and all paperwork with her such as bank account statements,records of any debts ect, they're advice is free and they're usually really good,I used to work with sure start and they were a Godsend for lots of the people that we helped.

if they can they really need to get they're rent reduced as well whether that's through moving(which isn't easy I know but there may be some help your Mum can get with a deposit and moving fees)or through accessing housing and council tax benefit,there are benefit calculator's online which your parents can use(but try to make sure they use an official one that is provided by the Government or they're local council and is free to use)another option to try is to ask they're landlord/landlady if they have any other properties available with a lower rent(that's if they own other properties and are approachable)another option is to go onto the local councils housing list, although most councils lists are now ridiculously long it would still be worth trying.

With your Mum not wanting to go back to work is there any job she could do from home?Does she have any transferable skills from her previous job?

Right now although it's scary for your parents they really need to not be sticking they're head in the sand this is the time when they need to get proactive otherwise the longer they leave it the worse it will get.

Good Luck OP I hope your Mum takes a breath and realizes that none of this is on you.