My retired mum has run out of money at 63!!!!!!

[Lilu1660]

I don't know where to turn to and not managed to tell my SO yet but my mum has told me that she and my dad have no savings left and cant pay their rent or bills this month or for the foreseeable.

My dad is in his mid 70s and works when he can plus has his state pension but my mum retired 10 years ago when she was 50 (she's quite a bit younger than my dad) and is now saying that they have spent all their nest egg. They don't have any assets as they lost their house years ago as they were on an interest only mortgage. They got to keep the market increase in the houses value when they sold so I assumed with that money plus my mum's two private pensions that she had figured out she had enough to retire. My dad has never been good with money and has never saved for his retirement but his plan was to keep working.

My dad has had a recent health scare and has been unable to work for a few months which lead to my mum calling me yesterday saying they have no money, cant pay their rent and they are now getting bank charges and could I take on some of the financial burden. I am an only child so have no siblings to help but I have two kids of my own, a mortgage that is due to double in a few months because of the rising interest rates and my outgoings are spiralling out of control with rising living costs...we are barely scraping by as it is...and its only due to get worse.

I suggested maybe she go back to work (she is totally fit and healthy) but she told me I was being 'cruel' and 'unhelpful' and she wishes she belonged to a community where children took care of their elderly parents. She has not answered my calls or texts since.
I don't understand what her long term plan is? I have a very strained relationship with my parents due to having endured a pretty poor childhood and we don't really talk or communicate very often so they have never been open with me about their finances or life plan.

My mum is my biggest worry. She is only 63! She could conceivably live until her 90s. I cant wrap my head around the fact that her retirement plan seems to have been constantly dipping in to dwindling savings whilst relying on a man in his mid 70s to pay the rent and bills. And now that he cant work, is her plan to now put that financial pressure on to me? Or worse, to come and live with us for the next 20-30 years? We don't have a good relationship so I cant see how she would ever have thought that would be her life plan.

I am now worried sick about how they are going to survive paying rent, spiralling bills etc but I don't feel its the right thing to do to help them. If I help this month what about next month? And next year? And the next 20 years?

If I were to help them in any way short / long term it would be a drop in the ocean compared to what they need to cover themselves every month (their rent alone is £2k a month) and would negatively impact my own financial safety and that of my children's. I feel utterly torn and lost and just cant believe their stupidity and not planning for / seeing this coming!

Is anyone else out there dealing with this?? Or does anyone have any advice at all xxxx

Your parents sound financially inept

£2000 per month on rent, even in the south east sounds ridiculously high especially as they only need 1 bedroom.

I wouldn’t be surprised that the £2000 per month rent is just the tip of the iceberg on over paying and wasting money
When their savings got below a certain point why didn’t they look at UC or between their 3 pensions are they earning too much.

I can understand wanting to take a break from work after 35 years . I had a friend who did it about that age after she was made redundant and she took a year out to relax a bit and think about her next step there was never any thought of not going back to work. Even though she had a good pension and could have taken it at the time.

What exactly did your parents think would happen?

I am about your mothers age.
I am also in rented because of Lockdowns. I am in the south east. If I gave up and lived off the sale of my house I could tell you to the day when I would run out of money. I am also aware that I might be physically fit now but no one knows what the future holds. It would be foolish and arrogant to think the status quo will last

I am trying to rebuild our lives and that is about building passive income and investing money to get an income and cutting expenditure to the bone as well as starting a new business from scratch

I am in the south east and rent a 4 bed house and pay £1500 per month. What on Earth are your parents renting to justify £2000 per month.

Have your parents made out to their friends that they own their rented house and money has been spent to prop up the appearance of being financially ok

There are several issues here.
Your DP are financially reckless, unwilling to take responsibility and prone to blame and guilt tripping via your DM.

You are not responsible for their poor financial decisions
You are not responsible, it's their issue, you have no spare money
You are not to blame

Please look up FOG
Fear
Obligation
Guilt

Your DM is trying to manipulate you by nastiness, guilt tripping and now silence/ stonewalling.
This is emotional abuse.
It's very common amongst those with narcissistic tendencies to have issues with finances, poor relationships and often substance abuse.
The key factor is scapegoating and blaming others.
They NEVER take responsibility.
I agree with PP who said DO NOT agree to be a guarantor.
They will leave you in serious financial trouble as its likely they will refuse to pay.
You will be liable for the full amount.
Ditto loans or credit for them
It is appalling they are putting this on you.

Now you just need a phrase to repeat, it's called the broken record.
" I can't help, I have no spare money"
Repeat, repeat, repeat.
Stay strong Op

Next time she deigns to contact you, you have to be blunt and tell her you can’t bail them out - not now not ever and they can’t use it as an excuse to move in with you.

I’ve no time for people who piss their money up the wall, who brag at the time what super holidays, clothes, hair styles, cars and houses they have compared to you, then expect you to handover hard earned savings to prop up their lifestyles when the cash is all gone. They don’t give a toss that you had to scrimp and save, they feel entitled to a fancy lifestyle on your dime.

Just so you are aware ip , your dad can't claim pension credit as it would be a joint UC claim.

The way you can help them is by telling them they need to sort out their finances, claim any benefits they’re entitled to and move to affordable housing.

Why on earth is she considering herself “elderly” at 63? Tell her you’ll check back in in 20 years to take care of her then.

They are crying out for bus drivers - the problem is no one wants to do it, because passengers think it’s acceptable to be rude to/about them.

warehouse working is physically hard work, I do it, and once you get into it, you feel healthy

They've lived beyond their means . Times to rein it in, and or increase their income. Its not your job to fix this.

God I think I would be cutting contact. What on earth are they living in assume just the two of them in a 2k / month rent? They've fucked up and its come to bite them on the arse. Let them deal with it.

…and for fuck sake don’t be a guarantor for them!

Sounds like my mum. She thought it was a fantastic idea to sell a mortgage free property 13 years ago, as a single person. The money ran out within a few years and she sank deeper and deeper into debt. She’s now living with us and will be living with us until she dies. I love her to bits but I feel very resentful at times that our quiet home life always has a third adult in it. I feel like I’m part of a throuple tbh. I was so looking forward to it being just me and DH once the kids left home but now it’s the three of us. She even has the cheek to complain that we make her pay some rent!! We had to take on an extra £100k on our mortgage to buy a house that was big enough so I’d say it’s fair enough.

The most annoying thing is that this has all happened due to her poor financial planning. This didn’t need to happen.

Sorry to briefly hijack there OP, I just wanted you to know that I understand your pain and frustration.

60 years old isn't elderly and 50 certainly isn't

Even saying you can’t help you have no money might elicit the response to stand guarantor for them

I would still repeat the above and point out they don’t have a good track record of paying bills and you have no money spare if they don’t pay

Not the point but I am 54 and do plan to retire along with DH before 60 but we have paid off our mortgage and made plenty of provision. I keep going now because when I finish I want that to be it, I don’t fancy my chances of getting a job after a break of a few years.

My DM was a old fashion housewife who also assisted my dad in his business, and her parents/ family in theirs, between my parents they have plenty to live on and DF retired at 60. However if circumstances were different DM would have really struggled to have gone back/started work. @Lilu1660 is this your DM issue that she doesn’t have the skills to find a job. What did she do before she retired?

Ask her if she is happy to take food from her Grandhildren's mouths, as that is what she will be doing.

So she shouldn't work because she might have to pay tax? I should also give up work then? I pay loads of tax.

My mum is in housing association housing (on housing benefit) and living off just state pension. Its a struggle but doable. She is not well enough to work but when she can she does.

I don't help her financially as she doesn’t actually need it. She has enough to
live on. I do treat her though to meals out etc as I know this is too much of a stretch. Your mum needs to work and/or claim benefits. And if needs be then they will need to be evicted and apply for housing. You do not have the means to help, and they don’t really need it.

I feel for you OP this is a tough situation to be put in. Your priority should be ensuring you’re as financially stable as possible for your children. It does seem like your parents have had their heads in the sand. How do you anticipate your SO will react?

@Lilu1660
My goodness.
Your parents being hopeless with money is absolutely not down to you to solve.
They frittered away money, lost their house, spent the equity?
That’s down to their abysmal money management.

Do not help out, it’ll be never ending.

They must claim benefits.
Or work.

Her problem not yours - tell her to downsize, claim benefits and stop being a burden to you and your family. You need to ignore the emotional blackmail she is in her early 60s she is not old and infirm. You have young children they are your priority. I am 68 and working and in a tiny flat I wouldnt dream of being a burden to my adult kids.

• Claim benefits
• Top up with part-time work
• Move to a cheaper home/area.

It is not your role to support them, especially not in the Long term.

Try to get them an appointment with a charity that helps older people (Age UK?) as well so they can suggest what support they could be entitled to.

I suggested maybe she go back to work (she is totally fit and healthy) but she told me I was being 'cruel' and 'unhelpful' and she wishes she belonged to a community where children took care of their elderly parents. She has not answered my calls or texts since.
Well, she's shown you her true colours, hasn't she?
Don't you dare start funding her.
She's still able to work but CBA?!
As she's not answering your calls or texts, I'd leave it at that. If she does try to get you to fund her lifestyle, keep suggesting she gets a job or looks at benefits unlikely if she's unwilling to work then leave them to it.
Sorry you're being put through this by them.

Honestly? I would not keep chasing after her. Of course she wants you to step up - it’s much more palatable than them taking ownership and doing the hard work to cut costs and bring in income. So she is punishing you.

Have some stock phrases ready for when she tried to guilt trip you. Practice in the mirror.
“No Mum, we can only just pay our own bills we don’t have the spare cash to take on yours”

completely agree do not become a guarantor. They clearly aren’t financial responsible.

As someone close to your mum's age, and who works, I'm seething for you.
You've had great advice here - this is of their own doing and they are the ones to sort it out.
It's absolutely not a matter for you to deal with.
She needs to get back to work pronto and find a cheaper place to live.

I am same age as your mum. She needs to get a job, there is plenty of work available.