My retired mum has run out of money at 63!!!!!!

[Lilu1660]

I don't know where to turn to and not managed to tell my SO yet but my mum has told me that she and my dad have no savings left and cant pay their rent or bills this month or for the foreseeable.

My dad is in his mid 70s and works when he can plus has his state pension but my mum retired 10 years ago when she was 50 (she's quite a bit younger than my dad) and is now saying that they have spent all their nest egg. They don't have any assets as they lost their house years ago as they were on an interest only mortgage. They got to keep the market increase in the houses value when they sold so I assumed with that money plus my mum's two private pensions that she had figured out she had enough to retire. My dad has never been good with money and has never saved for his retirement but his plan was to keep working.

My dad has had a recent health scare and has been unable to work for a few months which lead to my mum calling me yesterday saying they have no money, cant pay their rent and they are now getting bank charges and could I take on some of the financial burden. I am an only child so have no siblings to help but I have two kids of my own, a mortgage that is due to double in a few months because of the rising interest rates and my outgoings are spiralling out of control with rising living costs...we are barely scraping by as it is...and its only due to get worse.

I suggested maybe she go back to work (she is totally fit and healthy) but she told me I was being 'cruel' and 'unhelpful' and she wishes she belonged to a community where children took care of their elderly parents. She has not answered my calls or texts since.
I don't understand what her long term plan is? I have a very strained relationship with my parents due to having endured a pretty poor childhood and we don't really talk or communicate very often so they have never been open with me about their finances or life plan.

My mum is my biggest worry. She is only 63! She could conceivably live until her 90s. I cant wrap my head around the fact that her retirement plan seems to have been constantly dipping in to dwindling savings whilst relying on a man in his mid 70s to pay the rent and bills. And now that he cant work, is her plan to now put that financial pressure on to me? Or worse, to come and live with us for the next 20-30 years? We don't have a good relationship so I cant see how she would ever have thought that would be her life plan.

I am now worried sick about how they are going to survive paying rent, spiralling bills etc but I don't feel its the right thing to do to help them. If I help this month what about next month? And next year? And the next 20 years?

If I were to help them in any way short / long term it would be a drop in the ocean compared to what they need to cover themselves every month (their rent alone is £2k a month) and would negatively impact my own financial safety and that of my children's. I feel utterly torn and lost and just cant believe their stupidity and not planning for / seeing this coming!

Is anyone else out there dealing with this?? Or does anyone have any advice at all xxxx

www.gov.uk/check-state-pension

Don’t give them any money! That won’t end well for you. You’ve got to concentrate on your children and your parents will need to sort their own mess out!

SO is significant other I think. Like DH or DW or DP

KAYMACK

SO means 'significant other'

Only Fans - you are awful

What a shame she never wished to belong to a community where parents show love and support to their young children and want a nice childhood for them - even if not financially privileged, love and kindness don't cost anything and come naturally to most parents.

Not saying that OP would have any more to give them if they had been kind, loving parents - but she really does seem to think that it all revolves around her, doesn't she?

My mother was a lazy mare, my father feckless. Own business. We were asked for 36k in 1990 which would have wiped us out. I took the business books to an accountant who said that they should file for bankruptcy, it was that bad. Under no circumstances put any more money in.

That was a relief we had two small children at the time and would have gone into debt ourselves.

Your Mum will have to get a job

I can't imagine where they live with 2k rent but that is obviously totally unaffordable.

Slight sympathy

Your DM may have had an original state retirement age of 60, if she is one of the women who had their state pension age brought to the same age as men eg 65, 66, 67, 68

Is she part of the WASPI

However, 50 is early to stop working with no financial plan

Has she spent all her private pension money ?

How were they affording £2,000 per month rent anyway ?

As someone who has spent years financially supporting a reckless (and absent for a lot of my childhood) parent, please don't start it. Once you start, it never will never end. And often they're not even grateful, it's just expected.

You can offer help and support - but never offer money. They've made these decisions, now they're having to face the consequences.

And lost a house due to not having a vehicle to pay off the interest-only mortgage?

massive financial fuck ups here

I’m a similar age to your mother. Work part time, have lodgers, support an elderly mother who herself chose to retire at 54 , and complains her house is too small despite us having to help her to buy it….
Your mother expects others to bail her out of consequences for bad decisions and her sense of entitlement is breathtaking

"I am now worried sick about how they are going to survive paying rent, spiralling bills etc"

I would suggest you read up on Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG).

Also look here for the Stately Homes thread. There are many people there dealing with dysfunctional family situations and you will feel validated and supported.

She didnt retire. She had a 10 year break from work and now its coming back to bite her in the ass. Your poor father. £2k a month renting after having a home taken away because they didnt look at their finances properly in the first place. Part of me wonders if this topic has ever been broached with them. If not then now is not the time to be worrying, that was 10 years ago.

I'm 60 and work full time
If your mum is healthy and relatively fit, she can work
If she's not, she might be able to get a WFH data entry type job
It's unbelievable that she's happy to let your (older) dad work but she won't.

Three words from me: lazy, entitled and stupid
(to have retired when she clearly couldn't afford to)

If OP's mother is now 63, she's known since she was 36 that her retirement age was 65+ so I have zero sympathy on WASPI grounds.

She's been an idiot, frankly.

None of this is on you op! Your mum wants to have her cake and eat it. The fact she can work she can and should be able to sort this out, and if it means downsizing so be it! Your mum sounds like a spoilt brat!!!!

this is shocking. I really feel for you OP. As others have said, DO NOT give her money - direct her to council help and or job searches! giving up work at 50 with no coherent plan for retirement is just appalling.

I have nothing to add but sympathy. In her 50s my mum who never worked more than part time in her life told me her retirement plan was me and my sister supporting her. We're NC now for other reasons. But that feeling is shit. No matter what you do you end up the bad guy in that situation.

Your mother is blackmailing you emotionally at the moment and expecting you to pay for her financial incompetence. Yes, she needs to go to work; yes, they need to downsize (£2000 is a LOT for rent), but she does not want to change her lifestyle and she expects you to fund it. And you already know that the answer should be 'no'. You can help her in practical ways; citizens advice; debt management; benefits etc, but she dosent sound a pragmatic women and you are not able to help someone who won't help themselves. If they have no money this month and you fund her, you'll be doing it for years. Your own family comes first. I'm speaking as a woman in her 60s who has found it hard financially at times (due to ill health etc.) and have had to make tremendous cutbacks, rather than ask others for money, although it was always offered. And that's the difference, friends offered as they knew we would not take advantage and that we were trying to help ourselves, rather than relying on others. Try and look at it objectively (it is difficult when it is your family, I know) and you will be able to stick to your guns and remember, you are not responsible for your mother in this instance. Good luck x

I am speaking as a 63-year-old myself who has very little money and will only rely on the state pension (not until I am 66) ....do NOT give your parents any money. Just a big NO.
I wouldn't dream of asking my adult children to support me, even if I were on my last penny.

Do not feel guilty at all, please. Your own family/mortgage/children come first, your parents shouldn't be expecting you to pick up the consequences of their very unwise decisions.

Your mother has to go out to work....I do. It's not easy at 63 because I certainly don't have the energy I had when I was younger, but I manage, and will collect a state pension when I'm 66....presumably so will your mother.

They need to look into downsizing rather than paying out 2K on a rent, I can't imagine where they're living for that amount of money.

They need to be contacting Citizen's Advice about any help or benefits, or looking at UC, or even talking to people like Age Concern who will give plenty of advice about financial help or other possibilities.... especially since your father is in his mid-70s.

Don't get drawn into any support, if they refuse to be in touch, leave them alone for a while. Remain pleasant if they do get in touch, but if the subject comes up, say that unfortunately you can't afford to help. And repeat, repeat, repeat as necessary.

OMG I cannot even comprehend putting this financial burden on my child after I retire! What she did is completely irresponsible and she needs to get herself out of her own hole.

I hope to retire at 60, which is 7 years away. But no way will I be doing it if I can't afford it.

I'd also pose the question
Did she financially and physically support her parents as part of a community?

She/they need to give their notice on their current property,and find a way to move somewhere cheaper within the notice period. If your Dad is unable to work then it's time for her to pull her weight. You are in no way being unreasonable in prioritising your families' needs. Just please don't let them move in with you "while they find somewhere". Wish you all the best , stick to your guns x

and this is why when my parents told me they were retiring in their mid 50s I said "that's great but how will you afford it?"
And we sat down and they explained everything to take the worry off me and my sibling.

That said, don't give them a penny. Your mum is very entitled. She can claim benefits, get a cheaper place to rent, get a job, there's so many options for her.