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Original poster

My retired mum has run out of money at 63!!!!!!

784 replies

Lilu1660 · 10/11/2022 10:49

I don't know where to turn to and not managed to tell my SO yet but my mum has told me that she and my dad have no savings left and cant pay their rent or bills this month or for the foreseeable.

My dad is in his mid 70s and works when he can plus has his state pension but my mum retired 10 years ago when she was 50 (she's quite a bit younger than my dad) and is now saying that they have spent all their nest egg. They don't have any assets as they lost their house years ago as they were on an interest only mortgage. They got to keep the market increase in the houses value when they sold so I assumed with that money plus my mum's two private pensions that she had figured out she had enough to retire. My dad has never been good with money and has never saved for his retirement but his plan was to keep working.

My dad has had a recent health scare and has been unable to work for a few months which lead to my mum calling me yesterday saying they have no money, cant pay their rent and they are now getting bank charges and could I take on some of the financial burden. I am an only child so have no siblings to help but I have two kids of my own, a mortgage that is due to double in a few months because of the rising interest rates and my outgoings are spiralling out of control with rising living costs...we are barely scraping by as it is...and its only due to get worse.

I suggested maybe she go back to work (she is totally fit and healthy) but she told me I was being 'cruel' and 'unhelpful' and she wishes she belonged to a community where children took care of their elderly parents. She has not answered my calls or texts since.
I don't understand what her long term plan is? I have a very strained relationship with my parents due to having endured a pretty poor childhood and we don't really talk or communicate very often so they have never been open with me about their finances or life plan.

My mum is my biggest worry. She is only 63! She could conceivably live until her 90s. I cant wrap my head around the fact that her retirement plan seems to have been constantly dipping in to dwindling savings whilst relying on a man in his mid 70s to pay the rent and bills. And now that he cant work, is her plan to now put that financial pressure on to me? Or worse, to come and live with us for the next 20-30 years? We don't have a good relationship so I cant see how she would ever have thought that would be her life plan.

I am now worried sick about how they are going to survive paying rent, spiralling bills etc but I don't feel its the right thing to do to help them. If I help this month what about next month? And next year? And the next 20 years?

If I were to help them in any way short / long term it would be a drop in the ocean compared to what they need to cover themselves every month (their rent alone is £2k a month) and would negatively impact my own financial safety and that of my children's. I feel utterly torn and lost and just cant believe their stupidity and not planning for / seeing this coming!

Is anyone else out there dealing with this?? Or does anyone have any advice at all xxxx

OP posts:
Waitingfordecember · 10/11/2022 12:15

Bloody hell. Tell her you wish you belonged to a family where the parents worked hard to give their children a leg up in life. Looks like you’re both out of luck.

Your responsibility is to yourself and your children, not to bankroll your mum because she didn’t fancy working past 50!

AlwaysTawnyOwl · 10/11/2022 12:15

A rent of £2k a month? Where does she live? Tell her that they need to downsize to a one bed flat somewhere much cheaper and she needs to get herself a job. As you say they have never been good with money and you shouldn’t be bailing them out - they need to get some advice from CAB or a debt advice service, set up a realistic monthly budget and sort themselves out.

Dotjones · 10/11/2022 12:16

It sounds like she's always been a toxic influence in your life and has no intention of changing. For your own sake, I think you need to cut her out of your life entirely. She's not your problem. Money should pass from parent to child, not the other way around. It doesn't sound likely there will be any kind of inheritance, so you may as well cut your losses and just get on with a more peaceful life without her drama.

Purplecatshopaholic · 10/11/2022 12:17

Lottsbiffandsmudge · 10/11/2022 10:55

Not your problem. She is a fit 63 year old and needs a job. They may need to rent somerhing cheaper. They need to cyt their cloth according to their income.
You are not responsible for their financial mismanagement. .

I agree with this - I am sorry you are having to deal with this op. Do not give them money, and defo don’t let them move in with you (if that is her cunning plan).

LooLooLemon · 10/11/2022 12:18

£2k rent is insane at their age. They need to downsize and move to a cheaper area. Your mum needs to get her ass back to work!!

I was annoyed when my MIL jacked in work at age 60, because she has bugger all pension and we end up paying for all kinds of shit. I’m just waiting for the knee replacement and new roof to need doing 😖

Sorry you’re in this situation!! There are always lots of ads at this time of year looking for staff.

bloomtoperish · 10/11/2022 12:19

Not your problem, what a toxic person your mother sounds

Theskyisfallingdown · 10/11/2022 12:19

They gave you a shit childhood and don’t bother much with you, but are happy to crawl from under the woodwork to shake you down to fund their pathetic lifestyle choices? And then ‘punish’ you by sulking? The only response is laughter, and ‘nah.’ I say that a a sibling-feee person burdened with a shit mother.

CloudybutMild · 10/11/2022 12:23

PoundShopPrincess · 10/11/2022 11:08

It's interesting you put all the blame on your mum when both your parents put themselves in this situation.
Tell them to make an appointment with CAB. They can advise on debt and benefits.
If your parents are already drawing down their pensions then they're not penniless. They just need to adapt to their circumstances.

How so? OP’s father didn’t retire early and it’s not as though he could force his wife to continue working.

KatherineJaneway · 10/11/2022 12:23

Do not give them any financial help, if you start it will never stop.

Your Mum needs to get a job pure and simple. She thought she could retire but clearly they have not planned very well financially.

Don't let her silence bully you into helping, it is passive aggressive to try amd break you to send her money. Tough love is required.

T0rrentialM0ns00n · 10/11/2022 12:23

Your DM should

www.gov.uk/check-national-insurance-record

Check her state retirement age, which will be 66 or greater, she can also check this on www.gov.uk

She can claim universal credit today, it is not back dated. The forms are on www.gov.uk
She will be expected to look for a job, unless she is ill

ginghamstarfish · 10/11/2022 12:23

Sad that your mother has reached this age to end up in this position - surely common sense dictates that you live according to your means? £2k rent is outrageous, so they need to move somewhere cheaper, and she should be able to find some kind of work. Help with finding the above but not with money.

T0rrentialM0ns00n · 10/11/2022 12:24

www.gov.uk/universal-credit

Apply today

TwoBlueFish · 10/11/2022 12:26

Absolutely do not bail them out, she is being very entitled.

point her to the universal credit website www.gov.uk/universal-credit/how-to-claim

your dad could potentially look at claiming Attendance Allowance www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

Their rent sounds very high universal credit will only pay the local housing allowance rate towards rent, they can look it up here lha-direct.voa.gov.uk/Secure/Search.aspx

Sn0tnose · 10/11/2022 12:27

She wishes she belonged to a community where children took care of their elderly parents I wish I belonged to a community where I could retire early and rely on other people to subsidise a rather nice lifestyle. Sadly, neither of us are going to get our dreams come true.

Stop trying to get in touch with her. She’s punishing you because you haven’t agreed to bankrupt yourself so her lifestyle doesn’t have to change. Your parents are walking money pits and if you start trying to help, it will never end. I’d maybe send one final message along the lines of ‘if you change your mind, I’m happy to help you find out what your options are and maybe come with you to some appointments if necessary. Let me know how you get on’. And then stop. And tell your DH. You need support and shouldn’t have to cope with this emotional blackmail by yourself.

ilovesooty · 10/11/2022 12:28

ApexLegend · 10/11/2022 12:14

Re the “she has two private pensions”

So what? Unless they’re MASSIVE they will be a drop in the ocean as she won’t have been contributing to them for years. They’re just effectively little pots of cash with a tax break added in.

OP your mum is abusive here to put this on you.

My point was that those pensions may well render her ineligible for benefits and mean she has to pay the full rate of tax on any working income. I retired early on health grounds and returned to work in a different sector and was in that situation.

Dillydollydingdong · 10/11/2022 12:29

Don't offer money. You can't afford it and it's not your responsibility. What sort of a mansion does she live in at £2000 pm? They'll have to downsize and that'll probably sort their problem out, especially as she has 2 private pensions and your dad will have his State pension. Talk about entitled!

Freddosforall · 10/11/2022 12:29

Waitingfordecember · 10/11/2022 12:15

Bloody hell. Tell her you wish you belonged to a family where the parents worked hard to give their children a leg up in life. Looks like you’re both out of luck.

Your responsibility is to yourself and your children, not to bankroll your mum because she didn’t fancy working past 50!

This is a very good point. My friend just received 60k from her mum towards a house move.

justasking111 · 10/11/2022 12:30

Have her two pensions kicked in yet @Lilu1660

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 10/11/2022 12:31

They're living way beyond their means and have to downsize.

That's essentially it, really. Their age/retirement is a red herring, really - if a young person bought themselves a shiny flash new car which meant they couldn't afford their rent or if a middle-aged person decides to quit their job with nothing else to move on to: it's pretty much the same in reality.

I'm wondering if she's told you the whole truth about their rent, though. Could she be adding all of their bills together, including food and luxury spends, and calling it all 'rent' as a shorthand for 'living costs' - maybe knowing that including money for all bills and treats under the umbrella of keeping a roof over your head might bump the whole lot up the 'urgent, do not question' ladder and avoid your making reasonable suggestions where they could easily cut back instantly?

For all we know, if she's hoping you will agree to hand over a big sum every month, she could be plucking a large amount out of the air so as to fill her boots; suppose you agreed without quibble to what she asked for, she could be cursing herself for not having asked for a lot more.

I agree that the 'two private pensions' are probably worth extremely little, given how long and how much she's probably paid into them. A pension is only a neutral wrapper for savings and investments - no more use than a sparkly designer purse with nothing inside. Without wanting to boast, my future is well provided-for with an ISA that I have. Never mind that I had to withdraw 99+% of it years ago and it now only has about 67p left in it....

KAYMACK · 10/11/2022 12:31

Lilu1660 · 10/11/2022 10:49

I don't know where to turn to and not managed to tell my SO yet but my mum has told me that she and my dad have no savings left and cant pay their rent or bills this month or for the foreseeable.

My dad is in his mid 70s and works when he can plus has his state pension but my mum retired 10 years ago when she was 50 (she's quite a bit younger than my dad) and is now saying that they have spent all their nest egg. They don't have any assets as they lost their house years ago as they were on an interest only mortgage. They got to keep the market increase in the houses value when they sold so I assumed with that money plus my mum's two private pensions that she had figured out she had enough to retire. My dad has never been good with money and has never saved for his retirement but his plan was to keep working.

My dad has had a recent health scare and has been unable to work for a few months which lead to my mum calling me yesterday saying they have no money, cant pay their rent and they are now getting bank charges and could I take on some of the financial burden. I am an only child so have no siblings to help but I have two kids of my own, a mortgage that is due to double in a few months because of the rising interest rates and my outgoings are spiralling out of control with rising living costs...we are barely scraping by as it is...and its only due to get worse.

I suggested maybe she go back to work (she is totally fit and healthy) but she told me I was being 'cruel' and 'unhelpful' and she wishes she belonged to a community where children took care of their elderly parents. She has not answered my calls or texts since.
I don't understand what her long term plan is? I have a very strained relationship with my parents due to having endured a pretty poor childhood and we don't really talk or communicate very often so they have never been open with me about their finances or life plan.

My mum is my biggest worry. She is only 63! She could conceivably live until her 90s. I cant wrap my head around the fact that her retirement plan seems to have been constantly dipping in to dwindling savings whilst relying on a man in his mid 70s to pay the rent and bills. And now that he cant work, is her plan to now put that financial pressure on to me? Or worse, to come and live with us for the next 20-30 years? We don't have a good relationship so I cant see how she would ever have thought that would be her life plan.

I am now worried sick about how they are going to survive paying rent, spiralling bills etc but I don't feel its the right thing to do to help them. If I help this month what about next month? And next year? And the next 20 years?

If I were to help them in any way short / long term it would be a drop in the ocean compared to what they need to cover themselves every month (their rent alone is £2k a month) and would negatively impact my own financial safety and that of my children's. I feel utterly torn and lost and just cant believe their stupidity and not planning for / seeing this coming!

Is anyone else out there dealing with this?? Or does anyone have any advice at all xxxx

What does SO mean? Is it a misprint?

ApexLegend · 10/11/2022 12:31

justasking111 · 10/11/2022 12:30

Have her two pensions kicked in yet @Lilu1660

Even if they have, they’re not likely to be much, are they?

AnyOldThings · 10/11/2022 12:33

Your mum wakes up to being a grown up responsible for her own upkeep and she gets a job. Just like everyone else has to do.

You should NOT help financially. Especially with it being self inflicted and with her expecting others to keep her while she refuses to work. Ridiculous and not your problem to solve.

Back away. Limit contact. Let the grown up sort her own problems out.

motherofthelittlescreamingone · 10/11/2022 12:33

Yes, you can help them.

Help them come to terms with the fact that they need to change their lifestyle and plan for their future. They can't have actually enjoyed spending all their nest egg in their heart of hearts, so they need to start budgeting and working out what they can afford and how they will finance it.

You can't write them a blank cheque, you have kids to consider. Your mum sounds like a total nightmare

RedHelenB · 10/11/2022 12:33

TeachesOfPeaches · 10/11/2022 10:54

Since they rent and have no savings they will be able to apply for benefits.

Depends what their pensions amount to. I'm sure they could find cheaper accommodation though. Have they looked at council retirement flats?

user1471538283 · 10/11/2022 12:33

My DM tried this on with me and she was only 46! Trying to manipulate me into covering her expenses because she "couldn't" work (she used to get aggressive in job interviews so never got the job. On the one occasion they sacked her for arguing with the manager because of course she knew better). She also spent all the money she got from the family home on her various men. She was so angry when I refused.

With your DM I bet that was the plan. Spend all the money living a lifestyle they couldn't afford and then get you to pay for it.

Like others have said she needs to grow up. They need an affordable home, she needs a job and they need a plan. None of this is your problem.

If she asks again tell her straight that you do not have the money. If she makes noises about moving in with you tell her you do not have the room. And keep repeating it.