To insist on contact details for sleepover?

[MrsElm]

I don't think I am, but am beginning to doubt myself.

DD is 12, and in Yr8. She has a friend in class, and they are trying to arrange a sleepover. I am happy for it to be at ours, but have said that I need a contact number for the friend's Mum. But the Mum is apparently being reluctant to give it, something to do with not knowing me? But apparently happy for her daughter to come over for the sleepover.

Is this the norm in Yr 8, that a sleepover occurs without contact with other parent? It doesn't sit right with me, but DD says that some parents do things differently?

So, AIBU?

I'm sure she has, but I would like the Mum to confirm that she knows where her daughter is.

YANBU!

Not only would I want the other mums number, I would be actively giving mine to the parent who's house my child was staying at and saying if you need me for anything this is how to get hold of me.. not refusing to give it. I agree that I think the mum hasn't been asked.

Mum hasn’t been asked. Why would she mind? I have given an emergency contact number for my yoga class. And I’m 34 and it’s only 45 minutes on a Wednesday afternoon!

No way would they be staying at my house without me having the parents contact and confirmation from the parent that they were aware

MN may be a weird place but the world is even weirder if it is completely normal for people to allow their 12-year old DDs to be away overnight somewhere unknown.
What if you rang her the following morning and she did not pick up?

How weird, I wouldn’t want my child to sleep at someone’s house if I didn’t have their number, no least to check it’s actually happening!

What are these “emergencies” at a sleepover that all mumsnetters worry about??

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I had a friend of my daughters stay over when they were about 8/9 years old. Suddenly started vomiting and shitting like there was no tomorrow, hysterical, crying, seriously unwell and needed to be in her own home with her mum. All was fine from mid afternoon until about 8pm then it started.

She ended up in hospital on a drip by morning as she was severely dehydrated and couldn't keep even a sip of water down.

What would you suggest I do if I had no way of contacting her parents? And had a baby asleep, and no car as my husband was on nights.

Damn right she should give her number, just Incase something happens that means she needs to be collected or taken home.

@MrsElm does your dd have Life 360 on her phone? It's pretty accurate and you can pinpoint the address and her exact whereabouts.

https://www.life360.com/intl/

I’m afraid I insisted on knowing full names, phone numbers and addresses of all parents of my daughter’s close (sleepover close) friends at secondary school. I think this is part of being a responsible parent. I wouldn’t have a child sleeping at mine without this info, nor vice versa, no way.

Perhaps the girl has told the mum she is somewhere else? It can happen. I know some of my friends used to say they were staying in my house when we were all having a massive camping out somewhere else.

I think I would cancel the sleepover even if you end up getting the number. This is weird.

Bet you’ll be loathe to ever let your DD sleep at hers now too.

But she isn’t camping somewhere

she is at the OPs house

by all means insist on parents contact info when your child is sleeping somewhere else, but this way round is a bit odd to get funny about it

I work with teenagers as part of my job and one of the basics is that parents should know where their teenager is and who they hand out with. Obviously I am involved because I need to be, but it is quite basic that of you need to report a teenager missing then it helps if you know where they are meant to be and also - if not- who they hang out with. Year 8 is still a long way off adulthood and I would have concerns about parents who do not have any knowledge of where their children were sleeping - just a text to share details rather than a full assessment! I know I was very often not where my parents thought I was (and they were very strict) because they assumed I was where I said I was and did not check up. I put myself in some very risky situations, including taking the train to concerts in other cities with no where to stay and luckily usually bumping into a nice group of students etc who let me sleep on their floors. And I was not a wild child at all- just wanted to be a bit older than I was ready to be.

And flipping it around, how is it normal to have a random 12-year-old staying overnight in your house when you do not know or even have contact details for their parents?

You need a way for her parents to be contacted, but surely she can facilitate this. Does she not have a phone? A bit odd of mum not to hand over her number if she's been asked for it though.

Exactly, which is why it will not be happening.

I think as long as the girl has her own phone that mum can contact her on and vice versa it would be okay, and she tells you arrangements for pick up/drop off..but it is bit weird for the mum to actually say no about giving her number.

My 12 year old wouldn’t be going to somebody’s house for tea, without me having their full contact details, let alone a sleepover! I’d also insist on dropping him off there so I can check home conditions.

Honestly, can't imagine.
What if she never left? <lighthearted>

Well when my dd was 10 she was at a sleepover when she began vomiting repeatedly. Of course the mum called me and I went to fetch her, she had norovirus.

Yes but that's the other way round - the sleepover mum would need her contact details, not her needing sleepover mum's contact details!

But without the Mum contacting me, I don't know that she knows of the arrangement!

Not blatantly, but I would definitely be having a good nose at the door!

Joys of being in safeguarding, everybody is a risk 🙈

You always swap numbers with your children's friends parents in relation to this

Whilst I would want go know the number of parents my kid was staying over with, I also don’t think it’s weird that you don’t have her number. Absolutely nobody was swapping parents numbers when I was going on sleepovers in secondary school and it’s not that long ago.

There is an element of trust & common sense, trust them that they aren’t doing anything bonkers, and common sense that if in the unlikely instance you did need to get in touch with parents, it really wouldn’t be hard.
(and yet now Im the parent I would want to swap numbers!)