To insist on contact details for sleepover?

[MrsElm]

I don't think I am, but am beginning to doubt myself.

DD is 12, and in Yr8. She has a friend in class, and they are trying to arrange a sleepover. I am happy for it to be at ours, but have said that I need a contact number for the friend's Mum. But the Mum is apparently being reluctant to give it, something to do with not knowing me? But apparently happy for her daughter to come over for the sleepover.

Is this the norm in Yr 8, that a sleepover occurs without contact with other parent? It doesn't sit right with me, but DD says that some parents do things differently?

So, AIBU?

Exactly this

I don't think that you are being unreasonable but it's your child so whatever anyone else thinks, go with your instincts.

I once had a child at a sleepover who had such a bad spontaneous nosebleed that just wouldn't stop that I had to take him to A&E. He calmly told me that it happened sometimes and he had to go to the hospital when it happened.

Thankfully I had his parent's number (they were away overnight so able to speak on the phone but were too far away to be able to physically get there in time) and they confirmed he needed A&E if it didn't stop of its own accord within a certain time.

They did buy me wine and chocs afterwards....

no way. What if the child was unwell or had an accident?

YABU

in secondary it’s not normal for parents info to be exchanged, most kids have their own phones so in an emergency can contact their own parent to resolve

Now I know it is a very rare occurrence, but friends of mine had a house fire with four 13 year olds sleeping over. They were all grand, but even though it is highly unlikely, every so often emergencies do indeed happen.

My DD is year 8 and I would absolutely get a phone number for a parent in case of emergency. I know the girl my have a mobile but that is not the point.
I would happily give mine out.

I’m not over protective I am probably more on the lax side but I would want to make contact with a sleepover parent - still do with my year 9 so 14 year old. It gets easier as friendships settle down and you get to broadly know the families of the main friends .

How is this 'the most likely' when the plan is for them to stay at the OP's house?

This makes no sense at all.

I'm sure a 12 year old could give OP her parent's details if there's an emergency.

My friend did this when we were at school. 13 years old, told her mum she was staying at a friends house when really she was staying at her much older boyfriend/rapists house. I’m pretty shocked that parents don’t want to be sure they know where their child is staying!

I always had to give a contact number, even once we all had mobile phones in my teenage years. My mum did actually phone the other mum in the morning once giving a really spurious reason because she clearly didn’t believe I’d been where I said I was.

I don’t believe for a second the other mum is actually reluctant. They’re hatching some plan.

God this thread is worrying, are this many people really fine with their 12 year olds staying out all night without knowing where they are?

Absolutely not, I’d want contact between the parents at 12.

@Badgirlriri

What if the girl who comes for the sleepover falls down the stairs and needs an ambulance? Unlikely but it might happen. How would OP be able to contact her mum if she is unconscious or unable to tell her her mum's phone number? The next morning, is OP just supposed to casually mention "Oh she is not here, she is in hospital," when her mum comes to collect her?

YANBU. No sleepover would ever been happening either at our house or at anyone elses if all parents involved didn't all know each other's phone numbers and addresses. I would neither be taking responsibility for someone elses child nor allowing them to take responsibility for my child without being in contact with the adult in charge.

Are you sure the reason is definitely as stated? Is there any chance that the child is actually being left "home alone" that night and is arranging the sleepover without their parents knowledge?

Pretty sure anything could happen … what if the child became unwell or had an injury and there was no way to contact the parent! She’s a child and I’d never let my child stay anywhere without knowing the parent could contact me!

Ex social worker here, and if I had been working with a family where the parents didn't make appropriate checks, I would be asking questions.
All our foster carers are required to take the above precautions for our children in care.

There is no way I would let a child go and stay overnight anywhere unless I had met the people who would be in loco parentis, plus had address and contact details, and confirmed the dates and times of every stay with the parents.

Nothing to do with emergencies, but to do with parental responsibility.

She’s a child ! If she becomes ill overnight she will want her mum. Its okay for a child to need her parents, why the rush to push them into adulthood ?

how is this different from your average 12 year old getting hit by a car on the way to the shop at any other time, or becoming ill when she is out with friends?

Because in this case you're choosing to be uncontactable by not sharing your number.

Presumably schools of 12yos have numbers for parents?

So to be clear, this girl has been to our home once before, for DD's birthday party. Her Mum collected her then, but I hadn't had her contact details then, as DD had got her friends just to let her know if they were coming.
DD has given my number to her friend to pass on, but I have not heard anything back.
I am really glad I posted as I feel I am extra justfied in my stance.
Thank you everyone.

Would you be ok with your 12 year old DD going to someone else's house for a sleepover and only having her number?
Would it not enter your head at all that she might not be safe where she is?

YANBU at all, although as PPs have said, it sounds completely unhinged if the mother really is happy to entrust you with care of her child but feels too suspicious of you to share her contact details!

IME of this (which is pretty extensive tbh), when there’s pushback over contact details it’s almost always BS coming from your kid (too embarrassed to ask as it makes them feel childish) or theirs (CBA, keeps forgetting), or both bc there’s some stripe of teenage shenanigans afoot.

Even when I’ve been told bluntly it’s just not possible, it’s never come from the parents, most of whom are on the other end of the same bullshit and are more than happy to swap details.

Of course.

MN is a weird place sometimes, at secondary it’s very unusual to even know the names of your child’s friends parents, let alone their contact information

I'm sure the parent didn't say that lol, it'll be the kid.

I actually didn't ask the parents number because my kids have phones, have dropped and picked them up from the houses they say they're at and I track where they are.

I did ask parents numbers when I arranged a party for my 16 year old and there was alcohol. My son said it was ridiculous, but I told him it was either that or no alcohol.

Presumably the child has a phone of her own so there is a way to contact mum if needed.