To insist on contact details for sleepover?

[MrsElm]

I don't think I am, but am beginning to doubt myself.

DD is 12, and in Yr8. She has a friend in class, and they are trying to arrange a sleepover. I am happy for it to be at ours, but have said that I need a contact number for the friend's Mum. But the Mum is apparently being reluctant to give it, something to do with not knowing me? But apparently happy for her daughter to come over for the sleepover.

Is this the norm in Yr 8, that a sleepover occurs without contact with other parent? It doesn't sit right with me, but DD says that some parents do things differently?

So, AIBU?

13 year olds not 23!

Absolutely YANBU! At that age, the inviting child's parent/s have to have confirmed the invitation and swapped contact details.

I think @TheWayOfTheWorld has the answer!

Not a drunk/stoned one, I assure you. And some secondary school kids show up with alcohol hidden in their bags and would rather try to sleep through a bad intoxication than let their parents know they state they are in.

As an example - When ds was about 13 his mate stayed over. Asthma attack in middle of the night that his inhaler wasn’t helping. The poor boy was so panicked that I don’t think he have got it together to put the passcode in his phone. And it was horrible to see him like that.

Luckily, I known his mum since nursery days so I called her and she raced over.

Imagine if I hadn’t had her details?

Situations like that happen.

I presume the friend can contact her mum herself, you don’t need the mums number.

And if she gets hit by a car on the way to the shop, or becomes ill and isn't responsive, or gets lost and has no phone/battery?

Ofc unlikely but way would you ever leave your child without the ability to contact you or for you to be contacted about them if they needed you?

*I’d known

That’s the most likely situation…

At DDs 12th birthday party, one of the guests also aged 12 we had to call an ambulance for & she was rushed to hospital. It was the only parent I didn’t have a phone number for. Had to call another parent who passed it on 🤦‍♀️

Pretty odd. The parent will turn out to a cheeky fucker who leaves the child with you for ages but us uncontactable. Of course emergencies can happen.

Thank you all, wasn't expecting so many responses so quickly.

I do believe that DD has asked and the message has been passed on.
All I really want is confirmation directly from the other Mum that she knows where her daughter will be, and so we can arrange pickup!

I agree with posters that said it's weird.

Is there a chance that your DD or her friend is telling a bit of a porky here and haven’t asked the mum for her contact number? I’m not sure why any mum would say no to passing her number just for emergencies at the sleepover

YANBU perfectly understandable (and sensible imo) to request contact details. Other parent is totally strange not wanting to give a contact no but letting her child sleepover for essentially hours.

People are so strange, when my son age 13 is staying at a friends house I ring the parent and speak to them , if he calls me and says he’s staying out that night then I ask the mum/ dad to come to the phone or call me. I have had many instances where he asks for a friend to stay and I say does his mum / dad want to speak to me and they don’t, I know the phone numbers but I find it strange that some parents just take it that their child is staying at someone’s house that night and doesn’t confirm it with an adult.

"The Mum is apparently being reluctant to give it, something to do with not knowing me? But apparently happy for her daughter to come over for the sleepover."

That's weird af. If I was sending my child to a sleepover I'd want to make sure I had details for the other parent and they had mine incase it was needed, incase she wanted to go home in the middle of the night or took sick etc. Its either that the daughter hasn't actually asked her mum or something is off. I wouldn't be having a kid under my responsibility unless I had details for the parent.

Could the kid in question be living in a different circumstance like be in foster care/kinship care etc and not want your daughter to know maybe? They might struggle to get permission for a sleepover if that's the case.

I actually cannot get my head around sending your precious child but not feeling comfortable giving your phone number.

I think it's totally reasonable and normal to exchange numbers for a sleepover. In fact I'd think a parent odd to be happy to leave their still fairly young child with people they barely know and not need a number.

It so bloody strange! I’ve never experienced anything like that, luckily. There are some odd parents out there.

I wouldn't expect to have contact details for the other parent for a Year 8 sleepover.

But if the the parent asked for my details, I would give them ...

I do understand the reluctance to pass on details. Some people will pass them on to others without your permission. I assume that's why she doesn't want you to know. She will assume (reasonably) that her daughter can ring her herself if there is a problem.

how is this different from your average 12 year old getting hit by a car on the way to the shop at any other time, or becoming ill when she is out with friends?

Because they wouldn’t be staying at your house and therefore wouldn’t be your responsibility.

At that age I wouldn’t insist on it tbh, by Y8 they are arranging their own stuff. I would definitely give my details if someone asked for them and find it strange that someone wouldn’t. Doesn’t know you enough to have her phone number but is fine for you to have her child! Sounds like something suspicious is going on between the kids.

No contact details
No sleepover

This is really Simple

If the mum doesn't agree to drop the child off, come in for a coffee and speak to you and leave you 2 numbers then her daughter doesn't come for a Sleepover

No number, no sleepover. Simples.