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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What's the most wildly inappropriate thing to ever happen to you?

593 replies

badassbaby · 09/11/2022 13:48

I'll start...
When I was 19 I was working as a waitress in a holiday hotel.
I was having a wild, incredibly exciting relationship with the hotel manager, who was a good 15 years older than me.
Guests would fill out feedback forms on the hotel.
One day my boss (Restaurant manager) called me into his office. He showed me a feedback form that stated the guests weren't able to get a proper nights sleep, due to incredibly load love making all night long from the room above them.
The restaurant manager then pointed out that the room in question was the hotel managers room (his boss)
I can't remember what I responded, but when I think about it now, what the hell was he thinking of?!? And why question me about it and not the hotel manager?
I had the arrogance of youth so of course carried on exactly as before 😂
So what's yours?

OP posts:
Justwalkthissideplease · 12/11/2022 20:49

@Zaylok What a horrifying experience! We've all been so conditioned to silence. It's awful you've never felt comfortable sharing that with anyone before, but I'm glad you now have. It's not us. It's them.

Lovelifelaughlots · 12/11/2022 21:12

Also, from reading this thread, the thing that really gets me is that so many people describe themselves as "naive" or "stupid", with the implication being that it is somehow our fault for not anticipating mens disgusting, fucked-up, predatory behaviour. It is NOT our fault, it is theirs. Being innocent or "naive" is not a bad thing. It just means that it is the men that were the bad ones for taking advantage of innocent young girls whose innocence and carefree nature is now more damaged or lost as a result. I wish I could get back that carefree nature I had. I remember really believing that men and women were equal, that men were basically just like women, good etc. Obviously, most men are good, but, lets face it, almost all of these "innappropriate" things are done by men. A sizeable number of men are NOT good, and they destroy vulnerable innocence by showing girls the horrible way that the world is not good or safe or positive. Now that I am an older woman, I really do just think that a pretty large percentage of men are just utter shits. Men are a huge social problem. Prisons are populated almost entirely by men. Men need to sort this shit out. I honestly do not know why women are not more angry about it.

Sunnidaze · 12/11/2022 22:17

Whattodoagainandagain · 10/11/2022 20:17

This as a man, has made me rethink everything! I was lucky, that all the women around were very strong, unusual!

The strength of a woman has nothing to do with whether or not she'll be the target of shitty behaviour perpetrated by a man. Every woman has a story, even the 'strong' ones.

MirrorMirror1247 · 12/11/2022 22:31

17 years old, had just moved into student halls to start uni. I'd gone to the freshers ball, met a guy there and ended up kissing him. I'd never kissed anyone or had a boyfriend before so it was all very new to me.

About a week later, he was round at my flat (which I shared with 7 other girls), we were in the living room with a few of my flatmates, I think I was on a chair and he was sitting on the table, he was sort of behind my shoulder. I remember he was stroking my neck area, then before too long he'd plunged his hand fully down my top and into my bra.

It took me a couple of seconds to catch on to what had happened. I didn't say anything, just pulled his hand out of there. It was never mentioned. I dumped him the following week, I didn't really like him anyway.

Funnily enough when I was doing OLD a year or so ago he sent me a message on POF. No idea if he recognised me but I took great pleasure in not replying.

Definitely not as serious as some of the stories on this thread, but still not okay.

Pepsifan · 12/11/2022 23:14

Name changed for this as some of these will be outing. First of all, thank you for such brave and honest stories. Interesting that the men who often hijack threads haven't seemed to have much to say on this one. We often hear of women's stories of abuse being minimised by men saying just as many men are abused too - but I'd hazard a guess they aren't subjected to anywhere hear this sort of level.

These are some of the stories I've remembered as I've read this thread, in no particular order:

At 15 I overheard male customers of my parents pub referring to me as "jailbait" as I walked through the pub.

Also at 15, a 27 year old male customer, who's wife was at home heavily pregnant, started telling me that because I had been horse riding I must have had my first orgasm. On another occasion, he asked me to play a game of pool (I'd often play pool with the customers so this wasn't unusual) but he took me to the second pool table, where no-one else was in the room and no cameras were on it. He then proceeded to grab my crotch when I bent over to take shots, and grabbed my boobs too. I felt so uncomfortable but didn't feel I could say or do anything without being rude, or upsetting a customer. I kept moving away, he just kept following me.

2 years later, the above customer saw me out in town (I was now 17) and the friends I was due to meet hadn't shown up. He asked if I'd like to watch a movie, and for some stupid reason I said yes. He got me to wait on a quiet street corner whilst he got his car. My instincts were screaming at me to run, but I told myself I was being silly. He took me back to his house, put a film on, after less than 10 mins he'd turned it off and proceeded to rape me (I was a virgin til that night). I was terrified.

On the night of the rape, before it, he had asked me about my part-time job and what days I work. About 6 weeks after the rape, he suddenly started coming into the supermarket I worked in (it was literally the furthest from his house in our town and I had NEVER seen him in there before). He showed up on 3 shifts in a row. Then the heat week he showed up again, but this time I was on my own in the cigarette kiosk when he walked in. I freaked out and started hammering the call button to the supervisor and when she answered I was sobbing for help. They ended up calling my parents after I explained what was wrong. Having to tell them was horrible, my dad asked if I was sure that's what happened and had I led him on. My mum took me to the police. He was arrested the next day, but basically he agreed everything I said, except consent. The police had to drop the charges but told me they'd heard he'd done this at least 7 times before but no-one had reported it.

After this, he was obviously banned from the pub. He started sitting outside it on a Sunday morning in his car just watching me whilst I was cleaning it. He started showing up in pubs he'd never usually go to when I was on a night out with friends (I turned to drink after the rape). He was just always there. Watching me.

When I was about 20, a friend (much older male) and I decided to have a 12 hour drinking session, starting 11am. We had a brilliant day, all in the same bar so free food all day, lots of other friends in and out visiting etc. About 10pm we decided to go to another pub for a couple of drinks. We got in there and around 10.30pm I started to feel very hot and slightly sick. I stepped outside for some fresh air, and one of the lads from the supermarket who was a couple of years older than me followed me out. He said he was going to take me home, I replied "no - I still have half an hour to go". So he told me to meet him outside Boots at 11.15, but not to tell ANYONE where I was going. I might have been drunk, but I wasn't that stupid luckily!

On another occasion I was out at Christmas time, and the guy from the above story saw me in the pub, pressed himself up against me and grabbed my crotch.

Early 30's, I was working in a bar in the evenings. I was alone with one customer. He was quite drunk and a bit creepy. He was making comments and I was laughing them off etc. Then he looked me dead in the eyes, sounded stone cold sober, and told me that he would beat me, rape me and I would like it. I knew he meant it. I text my boss who was upstairs in the flat above the pub to say what he'd said and that I was alone with him and worried. He came down, didn't say or do anything, but stayed there. He was more worried about losing a customer than threats to his staff.

Another time I was fundraising and getting donations for a raffle from local businesses for my netball team. The husband of one of the ladies on the team, who I'd known (him) for years, text to tell me about a donation the company he worked for was giving us. I thanked him and he replied that perhaps I could thank him in kind. I replied and said I could bake him some cupcakes if that was any good (I did a lot of baking) and he replied that he meant sexual favours. I didn't reply. 5 mins later he text again saying he was only joking and please don't tell his wife.

Another partner of a lady on the team, around the same time, started FB messaging me late at night randomly. I always ignored it, but would reply in the morning to which he'd say it didn't matter/nothing etc. One night he was in the pub I was working in, very drunk after he & his girlfriend had had a fight. He lived a few doors down from me and I'd known him for years. He was very upset and very drunk so I said I'd drop him at home on my way so that we knew he got home safely. He spent the whole journey telling me how unhappy he was in his relationship etc. They were engaged and I advised him, as someone trapped in an unhappy marriage myself, to really think about if he wanted to get married because it was easier to end things now if they were really that unhappy. We got back to our street, I stopped the car for him to get out and he just sat there. I felt really uncomfortable, I thought he was going to make a pass at me, then he looked to change his mind and left. 10 mins after getting in the house he messaged telling me how much he had wanted to kiss me and more.

When I was 20, I had my first proper boyfriend since the rape, he was training to be a priest and seemed such a good guy. I had told him about being raped and he seemed ok to take things at my pace. One night we booked a hotel room and went out drinking. He made sure I had a LOT to drink. We got back, and although I was unsure, I consented to sex. It was so, so painful I started sobbing during it. So he pulled out and said "let me just try something else" and proceeded to stick his cock up my arse instead. No warning, no lube, just did it. It actually hurt less than it had in the normal way, so I just closed my eyes and prayed he'd finish quickly. After then, I avoided being alone with him, and about 2 weeks later he cheated on me.

I was on the bus going to a football batch as a teenager. Maybe 16 years old? On the way back, I was sitting next to one of the older men from my parents pub. He was probably early 30's. I didn't really want to talk so I closed my eyes pretending to sleep. I felt his hand lane on my thigh as he sat there rubbing it whilst he'd thought I was sleeping.

Countless times in the pub as a teenager men would make me squeeze right past them rather than move out of my way.

I'm sure there are others too, but these are the ones that stuck out the most.

Pepsifan · 12/11/2022 23:16

*next week not heat week

POTC · 12/11/2022 23:20

In asda crouched in front of a display looking at batteries, trying to decide which to get. Elderly guy, 70s I'd guess, stops behind me and asks if they're for my rabbit. At first I couldn't work out why a rabbit would need batteries then just as it dawned on me and I was too stunned to speak his (presumably) wife appears and tells him to stop annoying people then they walk off. This was years ago and I still remember it clear as anything!

Twillow · 12/11/2022 23:32

Zaylok · 12/11/2022 17:39

When I was around 18 I went to buy a car from a second hand shop and the manager there (late 40s / 50s) said he had just the car for me but it was somewhere else in the country and I would have to come on the drive with him to pick it up.

Naively I said yes and after about an hour of driving he suddenly said the car wasn’t available any more, he turned and looked at me and said ‘I just can’t do it, I thought I could do it and I can’t’. He pulled over on the hard shoulder, started throwing up then made me drive the rest of the way back home.

To this day I think he had intentions to kill me or do something really awful but changed his mind at the last moment.

That's so chilling. All the what-ifs...
Hope you're ok.

Ameanstreakamilewide · 12/11/2022 23:46

Oysterbabe · 09/11/2022 20:46

Yuck, creepy driving instructors. Mine always got the conversation round to sex. I remember him telling me that his first wife convinced him that women don't like it and he was in his 40s when he discovered that they actually love it. He used to put his hand my thigh when he was telling me to indicate or pull over or something.

Also when I was 17 I had a boyfriend the same age and he cheated on me with his friend's dad. He used to sleepover at his friend's house on the sofa and after everyone was in bed the dad would come and sit on the edge of the sofa and talk to him. A few times when my boyfriend was drunk they kissed.

I had a fella follow me home during a driving lesson, which was pretty weird.

I had cut him up at a roundabout (my bad, obviously, but i was a learner) and he followed me for about 20 minutes.

My driving instructor was lovely and also taught my husband to drive, so they had a good relationship.

I could see the fella behind me and we both didn't want to admit that we knew he was following me.
The expression on his face was completely blank.

My driving instructor told me to drive home, while he phoned my husband.
The strange man in the purple Micra stopped his car a few houses down from mine and my husband went to have a 'chat' to him - man to man!

He buggered off sharpish after that.

And considering I was pretty on edge, I drove home like a boss!

pishkashante · 13/11/2022 01:47

Whattodoagainandagain · 10/11/2022 20:17

This as a man, has made me rethink everything! I was lucky, that all the women around were very strong, unusual!

So you’ve managed to make a thread about women’s harrowing experiences at the hands of men into all about you and how lucky you are.

Bravo. Just when I thought male privilege couldn’t get any worse.

BunnyBum · 13/11/2022 07:14

Ladies. Thankyou for sharing. I’m 50 now and realise I am clearly not alone having past bad experiences as a teen with men that really were down right criminal! For many years I thought I was an idiot, questioning how i could have been so naïve and even encouraging the male attention. Thinking how desirable and worldly wise I was. But that’s youth for you! I feel sad for that young girl who basically got used!
Ill be chatting with my 16yr old DD later today about this thread and hopefully when, (sadly not if) she ever is in a bad situation she knows she can speak up, speak loudly and don’t be embarrassed to tell.

Justwalkthissideplease · 13/11/2022 07:47

@BunnyBum Im raising two sons and thinking they need to read this thread when older. Theyre only primary aged now, but I hope i can stilll find this thread a few years later..

RichmondVeganSausagesAreSurprisinglyNice · 13/11/2022 08:05

My childhood babysitter would sometimes bring her younger brother who would rub his hands over his crotch and make kissing and sucking noises at me when she wasn't looking. He never touched me but he seemed to enjoy my fear of him. I told my mum who just told her not to bring him. He would still turn up though. I used to hide in my mums room when he was there. I was 7 and he was at least 5 years older. He went on the be a police officer who was jailed for blackmail and sexual coercion. He was an absolute menace to sex workers and young drug dealers.

RichmondVeganSausagesAreSurprisinglyNice · 13/11/2022 08:06

Justwalkthissideplease · 13/11/2022 07:47

@BunnyBum Im raising two sons and thinking they need to read this thread when older. Theyre only primary aged now, but I hope i can stilll find this thread a few years later..

Email it to yourself 😊

Deemarie11 · 13/11/2022 10:10

Tiredasamf · 12/11/2022 08:32

I haven’t read all of these but it’s so sad that the vast majority of them are men, especially older men, being completely sexually inappropriate with women and girls. It breaks my heart that we live in a world like this!

It's good for them (the men) though isn't it. What incentive do they have to stop?

It suits them as it is.

Deemarie11 · 13/11/2022 10:14

My mum told me this story. My dad used to work in an office near the docks. There were a lot of offices there.
There was a customs office at the docks. Customs officials were meant to sieze any contraband/explicit material/illegal material that came into the country on boats. So they would sieze child pornography.

Instead of binning this pornography or keeping it in a secure area, my dad told my mum that the customs officials would pass the child pornography round all the offices around the docks. So my dad who worked in a completely different office in a different line of work, said that this stuff was passed around his office. :(

Iamthewombat · 13/11/2022 10:48

SafeMove · 10/11/2022 10:05

I have read this thread with both a sickening feeling but a lot of familiarity. I don't know any of my friends who wouldn't have a similar experience. I grew up in the 90's and there are so many instances that I thought were 'low level' normal stuff but this thread has made me realise that even though I was raped by a cousin at 11, the sexual harassments and abuse I experienced as a teenage girl and adult woman has contributed to the trauma.

We read magazines and watched TV shows that encouraged us to be ladettes, to embrace our sexuality, drink pints and be 'equals', in work and school and parenting. They told us how to keep a man and how to please him sexually in bed. How we should look a certain way, keep our bodies, and hair and skin and clothes a certain way but also be hedonistic and 'free', not uptight or frigid as that wasn't cool. I feel like society knew exactly what it was doing. It wasn't about equality at all, it was about controlling a women's place and attitude whilst ensuring the real power stayed with males. It was the cruellest trick and now we are living with the fall out of men fatally harming women on a regular basis as they see us as 'less'.

You are absolutely right about the nineties. It was a bad time to be a young woman. There seemed to be a fundamental cultural shift around 1993, which the ‘lad’ culture picked up and capitalised on.

I think that it was a reaction to two things: the advances made by feminism in the 70s and 80s, and the early 90s recession. The men didn’t like those two things at all. Their economic power was reduced, women were getting into positions of power at work, crude jokes had become acceptable.

Hey presto, lad culture is born and we, as young women, are told what we should be like in order to be cool and fit in. You had to be gorgeous, you had to be relaxed about the heavy drinking, drugs and casual sex the men wanted to do (the ladette stereotype was invented for this purpose) and most importantly, you had to be quiet and not say much. Because if you objected to any of it, you were like Millie Tant from Viz, see? Unattractive, strident, a figure of fun.

I read a few copies of Loaded in its heyday. They were very clear on what women should be like. Silent page three girls who enjoyed posing in lingerie and were a blank canvas. You were encouraged to believe that they’d do anything to be cool and please the men. The other men’s mags always included pictures of semi-naked female celebrities. That was how you enhanced your career. Ultimate Johnsson, the girls from Steps, even Gillian Anderson! And they had to pretend that it was an empowering experience, being wanked over by the readers. Vom.

It spilled over into work, too. I was training with a ‘Big 4’ accountancy firm. Woe betide if you were a young woman who wasn’t a man pleaser. In the north of England, this meant being quiet, looking pretty (I was criticised for wearing too many dark colours, speaking before I was spoken to and, bizarrely, walking too quickly) and letting the men do the talking and make the jokes. Your voice couldn’t be too loud. The clients were usually men in their 40s and 50s, they didn’t want to deal with confident young women. Unless they thought that they had a change of getting off with those young women. Christ. I left as soon as I qualified.

The 90s were like a dark, menacing carry on film. The pendulum swung back towards the early 70s and most men rejoiced. They could ogle girls again and make crude jokes and it was all OK because they were on the zeitgeist. They were standing up for men’s rights to be men!

I worry that we’re going to see a similar pendulum swing on the next few years. All the ingredients are there: the me too movement, which the men don’t like, and an impending recession. I fear for our young women. That’s why we have to tell them to stand up for themselves.

Iamthewombat · 13/11/2022 10:48

Sorry, crude jokes had become UNACCEPTABLE! Typo.

Iamthewombat · 13/11/2022 10:50

ULRIKA Jonsson, nor Ultimate Jonsson!

Iamthewombat · 13/11/2022 10:51

Note to self: preview the post next time!

iklboo · 13/11/2022 11:12

Early 90s I worked in the office of a very large male population factory. It was normal to go out on a Friday for drinks together. All usually a good laugh.

One time one of the blokes followed me into the toilets, put his hand over my mouth from behind and tried to pull my knickers down. I managed to bite the web of his hand really hard and get away. I got my stuff and went home.

On Monday his hand was bandaged. He told everyone he'd cut it doing DIY.

TheLeadbetterLife · 13/11/2022 12:07

Deemarie11 · 13/11/2022 10:10

It's good for them (the men) though isn't it. What incentive do they have to stop?

It suits them as it is.

Exactly, there’s no incentive for them to stop. Me Too got some big fish like Harvey Weinstein, but there are millions of small fish abusing women and girls every day. They can look at Weinstein and think “well I’m not like him”.

Men will not stop this stuff from happening, why would they?

FFS there are supposedly “classic” works of art and literature that glorify this behaviour and hateful view of women.

NannyOggsWhiskyStash · 13/11/2022 13:49

When I was around 8,and at a cinema party with school friends, an old man sitting behind my seat kept pushing his toes through the seat gap and into my crotch,I was so conditioned into doing what you were told that I didn't say or do anything. Got followed around a park when I was around 12 by a middle aged man who kept stroking my hair and trying to get me to go home with him,and what was worse was that I felt that it was my fault as he didn't harass my friends. Teacher dragged me into store cupboard and tried to grope me, when I reported it to the school was told I was lying, he was a well known alcoholic perve. Was spiked at a party when I was 15, woke up with a guy in his twenties pulling my trousers down, the drug made me unable to move or talk, luckily a friend walked in to check on me. Was crying in a friends shoulder aged 19, as had been dumped, this "friend" pushed my head down and forced me to give him a blowjob. When I spat his cum back in his mouth, he got annoyed as "he's not gay". Have many more stories like this, and I always felt it was my fault. Fuck the patriarchy.

autienotnaughty · 13/11/2022 16:51

I was a teen in the nineties and I definitely agree about the ladette culture but I think there's always been this toxic behaviour . In the sixties there was the free love that left many women and children vulnerable. Ownership of women by marriage. No laws to protect women.. Even in the past twenty years whilst I think the language and the culture around these behaviours is improving there's now the internet and social media to contend with. We just have to hope with things like me too and the aftermath of the death of Sarah Everard that it is having an effect and things are going in the right direction.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 13/11/2022 17:05

Working in non teaching role at a primary school in the 90’s I saw an 11 year old boy try to force a 10 year old girl into the toilets. I followed them in, he was pushing her into the cubicle, she was really distressed and fighting back. I shouted for help as I couldn’t stop him. A male teacher grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and dragged him away.
Both sets of parents were called in. The boys father thought it was funny, “boys will be boys”.
Another boy would twang the bra straps or grab the girls boobs.