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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He will clean me out won't he....

111 replies

triangularprisms · 08/11/2022 14:26

I hope to divorce soon.Husband had an affair and left us three years ago.Kids with me 90 percent of time.He pays my half of mortgage plus 30 pounds per week maintenance for three kids.He agreed to pay extras eg education,driving lessons, therapies for SN kids.He hasn't.He either got fired or made redundant from his last job.He has now set up his own business and regularly has wads of 50's and 100's in his wallet, he shows kids. He does a lot of cash jobs eg building/plumbing etc. My eldest child asked him to contribute towards a car that she is saving for.He refused otelling her that as he is paying the full mortgage for 'me', maintenance and renting his own place at a cost of 350 pounds per month, that he lives from hand to mouth from month to month.The same man wears designer clobber and has had 4 foreign holidays in the last year . I earn 60,000 per year and it is not enough to raise my children .Granted, I have a car loan,a personal loan and a long distance commute and cover all christmas/birthday /education expenses. His contribution value is worth 500 per month as we have a very small mortgage. I have paid massively into a pension all my working life.He doesnt have one. Iam also a part owner of an inherited property..a fifth is mine... Will he be entitled to this too.. I have an awful feeling that despite him not seeing kids, paying such a miniscule amount relative to their outgoings and very probably hiding money, that I am going to lose out badly and I cannot afford to as I need to educate my kids in the future.The whole system seems so unfair.

OP posts:
Lillygolightly · 08/11/2022 14:29

Go and seek legal advice, get support from here by all means but what you really need is good solid legal advice from a professional who can tell you where you stand.

Good luck!

creideamhdóchasgrá · 08/11/2022 14:33

Info for anyone visiting this thread

As I understand it there are 2 aspects – Divorce and Financial Settlement.
To know what a fair split of assets is and to reach a financial settlement divorcing parties need to know what the assets of the marriage are, and what each asset is worth.

Look at a Form E. A long document in which each party sets out their assets, income, and financial needs. You can see in it the assets that are taken into consideration upon divorce and financial settlement, for example property (the former marital home), pensions, stocks and shares etc. It also lists the documents needed that show the value of assets for example CETVs (cash equivalent transfer values of pensions - which can be requested from pension providers).

To find out what some assets are worth an independent expert can be used. Property can be valued by an expert - estate agents, pensions by CETV and / or a pension on divorce expert (PODE) report and so on. It is important to decide what needs a valuation by an independent expert and factor in the costs of these. Pensions can be very valuable – equivalent or more than the value of the former martial home in some cases. Divorcing parties might hold different types of pensions (not like-for-like, so difficult to compare without an expert). Circumstances might be complex for example an age difference or pensions in payment. One party may have stayed at home to look after children.

@AnnaMagnani and @silentpool made some useful comment on this in this thread

www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4664756-what-do-i-need-to-do-about-our-pensions?reply=121093079
When splitting the assets of a marriage…
www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1973/18/section/25 applies

The income, earning capacity, property, and other financial resource which each of the parties to the marriage has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future. As I understand it, first consideration is given to the welfare (while a minor) of any child of the family who has not yet attained the age of eighteen. The needs of each divorcing party are taken into account and as I understand it 50 / 50 is the starting point – so unequal shares based on circumstances and needs is possible, for example 60 / 40.

These offer a free advice session about pensions on divorce and separation www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/divorce-and-separation/divorce-or-dissolution-how-we-can-help-with-your-pension
Free advice line (busy so keep trying) rightsofwomen.org.uk

Guides on divorce and financial settlement
www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/how-apply-financial-order-without-help-lawyer

Pensions on divorce
www.sharingpensions.co.uk/penaudit3.htm
www.mediateuk.co.uk/the-ultimate-guide-to-pensions-on-divorce/
www.nuffieldfoundation.org/news/new-good-practice-guide-addresses-shortfall-in-understanding-of-how-to-treat-pensions-on-divorce
Valuation of pensions – pensions on divorce expert report
www.collinspensionactuaries.co.uk no relation – useful website
www.collinspensionactuaries.co.uk/pension-data-collection/ templates for information required

Hope this is helpful. Caveat – this is not my profession.

Legal advice should be sought.
This link gives you an indication of hourly rate for solicitors
www.gov.uk/guidance/solicitors-guideline-hourly-rates
Some organisations offer free advice from solicitors and barristers rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/ On their FAQs page…”Our Legal Officers and Volunteer legal advisors are all solicitors and barristers”.
Some family solicitors offer an in initial free consultation and some a fixed fee rather than hourly.
Some barristers can be directly instructed e.g., via Clerksroom Direct

Itsabitnotcold · 08/11/2022 14:36

You earn 60 grand in a place that rentals are 350. Don't pay rent/mortgage and are struggling to afford your kids? How?

Nonetheless, you need professional advice re the properties.

Cw112 · 08/11/2022 14:36

I'd be inclined to do your research on a good solicitor who specialises in this area that you feel you can trust to really represent your interests and if you have proof of adultery then that should help. Good luck op

triangularprisms · 08/11/2022 14:46

Thank you for such detailed responses.I pay for every single item for my children and myself.Everything... so realistically if I were to divide it by 4, my children cost 7.5k net per year to raise,each. I guess I don't understand how households that have 100k plus gross PA where there are one or two working parents also struggle, but many do. My children have all had private therapies for one reason or another since their Dad left, for example.They have had Christmas/birthdays/holidays/school tours/ normal stuff finacially shared between two people. All cash purchases. I have never looked into the financial value of living off benefits but I wonder what the value of those are.It may be in our best interests to go down this road Are there any posters who live off benefits in a similar situation please

OP posts:
Fattoushi · 08/11/2022 14:54

60k and no housing costs? Cry me a river.

badassbaby · 08/11/2022 15:03

triangularprisms · 08/11/2022 14:46

Thank you for such detailed responses.I pay for every single item for my children and myself.Everything... so realistically if I were to divide it by 4, my children cost 7.5k net per year to raise,each. I guess I don't understand how households that have 100k plus gross PA where there are one or two working parents also struggle, but many do. My children have all had private therapies for one reason or another since their Dad left, for example.They have had Christmas/birthdays/holidays/school tours/ normal stuff finacially shared between two people. All cash purchases. I have never looked into the financial value of living off benefits but I wonder what the value of those are.It may be in our best interests to go down this road Are there any posters who live off benefits in a similar situation please

I don't live off benefits but I'm pretty sure you wouldn't have spare money for private therapy, lavish presents etc.
And how will you pay your loans?
As you are married your soon to be ex husband will definitely have a claim on your pension, not sure about your one fifth of house.
Tbh men get shafted all the time with ex wife's claiming their pension, it does work the other way too

999caffeineplease · 08/11/2022 15:03

I think you’ll struggle to be taken seriously after your most recent post.

Quincythequince · 08/11/2022 15:04

Fattoushi · 08/11/2022 14:54

60k and no housing costs? Cry me a river.

She has a mortgage!

Is this really necessary?

MoaningMaude · 08/11/2022 15:09

Fattoushi · 08/11/2022 14:54

60k and no housing costs? Cry me a river.

He only pays half the mortgage, try reading the OP again.

MavisChunch29 · 08/11/2022 15:09

She's looking after their kids. DH needs to pay a fair amount towards them and should not be hiding his earnings.

BritishDesiGirl · 08/11/2022 15:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Singlebutmarried · 08/11/2022 15:13

Erm has wads of £50’s and £100’s in his wallet

nice try OP

maybe check out the currency before you type.

Dotjones · 08/11/2022 15:15

Yes the starting point will be 50/50 split of assets, so you'll probably need to remortgage the house and buy him out if you want to remain living there, otherwise it'll have to be sold.

I have an awful feeling that despite him not seeing kids, paying such a miniscule amount relative to their outgoings and very probably hiding money, that I am going to lose out badly and I cannot afford to as I need to educate my kids in the future.

Most of this is irrelevant I'm afraid. You may get a little movement in your favour because you are looking after the children, but if he's paying child maintenance (either through a personal agreement with you or the minimum demanded by law) that will lessen your entitlement to more of the shared assets.

Dotjones · 08/11/2022 15:16

Singlebutmarried · 08/11/2022 15:13

Erm has wads of £50’s and £100’s in his wallet

nice try OP

maybe check out the currency before you type.

To be fair, they could be in Scotland, they have £100 notes there.

torquewench · 08/11/2022 15:16

"Wads of 50s and 100s"?

Of what? Monopoly money?

WatchoRulo · 08/11/2022 15:18

"Going on benefits" isn't an option you choose as an alternative to a £60k p/a job, that's not how it works.

Kaitness · 08/11/2022 15:23

Yep. Benefits will clearly be far more lucrative for you 🤦‍♀️

Rippled · 08/11/2022 15:28

Kaitness · 08/11/2022 15:23

Yep. Benefits will clearly be far more lucrative for you 🤦‍♀️

Could she earn on the black market like hubby apparently is? They can have a race to the bottom of how little income they can declare and, therefore, what they get from the state and each other.

torquewench · 08/11/2022 15:35

torquewench · 08/11/2022 15:16

"Wads of 50s and 100s"?

Of what? Monopoly money?

Ah, so you may be Scottish.

In that case Did he, aye?

Twillow · 08/11/2022 15:51

Hmmm
I earn around £15 k and have still managed to pay for private counseling and driving lessons for my DCs.
You only have to pay £500 a month for your mortgage out of your £60k salary.
I cannot believe you are struggling to support your kids on that. You need to cut your coat according to your cloth, sort out your loans and think hard about where your income is going. Of course fathers should pay a share but why aren't you going through CMS (although possibly you'd end up with a lot less if he is self-employed and stops paying half the mortgage)?
Get a solicitor and be careful about the pension, he may well be entitled to a share of it.

PotentiallyPolly · 08/11/2022 15:51

60k a year isn’t enough to raise kids on?! I’ll tell that to my boss, I earn 20k and have 3 kids. Somehow manage to afford them myself with no outside help…

PotentiallyPolly · 08/11/2022 15:54

@MoaningMaude she states he pays her half of the mortgage, not that he’s only paying half, therefore he’s paying the full mortgage and OP has no housing costs to worry about. I’d love to be in the financially poor situation the OP claims she’s in.

Twillow · 08/11/2022 15:54

I cannot afford to as I need to educate my kids in the future.The whole system seems so unfair.

Ah, just seen this. So you are complaining that you may not be able to afford private education any more? Welcome to the real world. I always remember wehat the judge told me and exH at the financial court hearing - neither of you will be able to afford to live the way you used to.

ZaSar · 08/11/2022 15:54

So he pays mantinence and the mortgage of your house and you earn 60k a year yet you are worried he will “clean you out”?
How? In what world does that make sense?
many people bring up kids on 60k without someone paying their mortgage or receiving child mantinence.

And no going into benifets obviously won’t be better than earning 60k

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