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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

5 people have raised ADHD with me

114 replies

PetitP · 08/11/2022 11:24

And I'm getting a bit fed up with it. My son is 4 (was 3 a week ago). He is incredibly active, won't stop talking, won't stop running, but will listen when I talk to him and can focus for long periods of time. 2 people at one of his hobbies, and 3 other parents have mentioned him having ADHD traits to me and it is starting to irritate me. I asked both of his nurseries what they thought and they have both said they don't see anything that makes them think ADHD and that he's just very 'busy'. He is well behaved, he's just got SO MUCH ENERGY. AIBU to think that a lot of people have no idea what ADHD actually is? And to also think it's rude to tell someone you don't know very well that their child might have ADHD? Or am I being a bit sensitive here? My brother has ADHD and really struggles with it, so I am incredibly sympathetic and know a bit about it, as of course I grew up with him. He was diagnosed as an adult. Just annoying that so many people think they have to label things as neurodiverse without realising that children are different to one another.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 08/11/2022 11:28

Just imagine water flowing over a duck's back.

Sadly there are people who just feel free to blurt whatever passes through their head. They are mostly well meaning, and care enough about you and your DC to comment. It's just not particularly helpful.

I'd smile and say 'yes, he's got loads of energy! We'll have to help him channel it into wonderful things'.

If you need to 'I know quite a lot about ADHD, and there's a bit more to it than high energy!'

DarkAndDusty · 08/11/2022 11:29

What do you say to people when they make these kids of comments? Do you let them know how it makes you feel? Not sure what complaining about them on MN is going to achieve.

MeridasMum · 08/11/2022 11:31

I'd say, "thanks for that. I'll let his doctors know that you've diagnosed him. They'll be so relieved," and roll my eyes

ellyo · 08/11/2022 11:33

In contrast, my son was diagnosed late because I had no idea what ADHD 'looked like' and looking back I can't believe that no-one (professionals or laymen) ever said anything, and I really wish they had because I would have been able to help him much sooner.

If you're confident he doesn't have it (though I'm presuming you know there's a genetic link, so the fact your brother has it may be relevant) and don't want him assessed then why not just say so? If you're decided that you're not pursuing an assessment then I'm not sure why it's bothering you.

Pumpkindoodles · 08/11/2022 11:33

People are SO dumb. That’s all you need to remember.

according to most people

liking things neat = ocd
Loud and active = adhd
introvert = autism
feeling normal levels of apprehension = have anxiety
feel sad sometimes = depressed

the problem is all of the traits of all of these things are experienced by all of us. The point is though, that most people don’t feel them to a debilitating
level most or all of the time.

also people like to just say things to hear the sound of their own voice and to be seen to have an opinion or an insight. Imagine knowing nothing about a subject but still being so self assured to diagnose a child and spout your opinion.

just take the opportunity to recognise the person is a moron and be glad you know now.

Original poster
PetitP · 08/11/2022 11:39

DarkAndDusty · 08/11/2022 11:29

What do you say to people when they make these kids of comments? Do you let them know how it makes you feel? Not sure what complaining about them on MN is going to achieve.

Well, it's called having a discussion.

OP posts:
Original poster
PetitP · 08/11/2022 11:40

I usually just say something along the lines of 'thanks for that I'll keep it on mind' just to move the conversation on but it's always obvious I'm not happy about it.

OP posts:
SunshineClouds1 · 08/11/2022 11:43

I would ask them if they are qualified to give such comments.

Original poster
PetitP · 08/11/2022 11:47

I think it just gets to me because it is actually really hard work being a lone parent to a child is so active and on the go all the time. If I choose to have a day at home he doesn't sleep. It's knackering. It would just be nice not to feel on edge when he's being high energy and feel like people are judging me. I think I'm just really stressed and anxious at the moment and needed to vent a bit.

OP posts:
Softplayhooray · 08/11/2022 11:53

OP maybe he does, maybe he doesn't, he's too young for any diagnosis. You'll be able to discover that in a few years when a diagnosis is possible, should you ever want one. I think the best way of dealing with these comments is to just say hey, he's just energetic, and besides no-one can diagnose for a few years anyway.

I say this as the mummy to two neurodiverse boys. I can see benefits to them being neurodiverse as well as difficulties and I could say the same if they were neurotypical. Ultimately just knowing your kid as well as you can is ace and helps them blossom into who they are meant to be, ADHD or not, so I would personally not take it as an insult. Some people while misguided are saying it to try to be useful. I remember similar useful style comments and then some awful condescending ones so I feel your pain but try to brush it off as much as you can.

Feetache · 04/12/2022 00:28

My DD was diagnosed at 11. Her friends told her she had it. I'd never thought about it but I can't tell you how much id kill to turn the clock back and know earlier. It's a disability. A hard one as they seem fine

hdoodle · 04/12/2022 03:11

Are these people parents with children of the same age? I would say, “That’s funny, someone asked me if your DC has ADHD, but I told them it was really none of our business”.

FunctionalSkills · 04/12/2022 03:27

I wish I'd known earlier tbh. Its not the done thing usually to suggest it but it would have saved us so much hassle a d upset.

CavalierApproach · 04/12/2022 03:30

I wouldn’t say that to anyone, personally, but nor would I assume if someone said it to me that they were making a value judgment — I would tend to think they meant it helpfully even if it was tactless.

People aren’t usually being deliberately shitty, imho — they normally mean well.

One of my children does have ADHD, fwiw.

MavisCruet2023 · 04/12/2022 03:35

A friend of mine was diagnosed at 44.
Being diagnosed earlier than that would have saved her a lot of hassle.

Adhd is inherited.
So if a family member already has it then it's more likely that another relative will have it too.
5 people have said it to you.
4 is not too young for a diagnosis.

FurryDandelionSeekingMissile · 04/12/2022 04:11

Pumpkindoodles · 08/11/2022 11:33

People are SO dumb. That’s all you need to remember.

according to most people

liking things neat = ocd
Loud and active = adhd
introvert = autism
feeling normal levels of apprehension = have anxiety
feel sad sometimes = depressed

the problem is all of the traits of all of these things are experienced by all of us. The point is though, that most people don’t feel them to a debilitating
level most or all of the time.

also people like to just say things to hear the sound of their own voice and to be seen to have an opinion or an insight. Imagine knowing nothing about a subject but still being so self assured to diagnose a child and spout your opinion.

just take the opportunity to recognise the person is a moron and be glad you know now.

Ah, you were doing so well pointing out how people skew medical terminology to talk about common human characteristics. Until you pulled out a piece of obsolete medical terminology (with roots in eugenics and racism) to talk about a common human characteristic Grin

FurryDandelionSeekingMissile · 04/12/2022 04:13

Blooming eck, this year's going by so quickly I didn't register that the OP date was nearly a month ago. Is that decayed enough to count as a zombie?

gbconfused · 04/12/2022 05:01

@FurryDandelionSeekingMissile genuine question which bit had roots in eugenics and racism?

ittakes2 · 04/12/2022 05:07

I think you don’t know as much about ADHD as you think you do. You just listed four adhd traits he has and he also has an inherited link due to your brother being diagnosed. You also seem to think that because he listens to you and can focus he must not have adhd? I can see why you are taking comfort in feedback from nurseries - but nurseries are not usually a good source of opinion on neuro diversity - if they were than all children would be diagnosed in nursery and not primary, or high school or even adulthood like your brother was.
Also, do you realise you are being disabilist towards neuro diversity? So what if your son does have adhd - would you love him less? I doubt it.
ADHD gets a bad rap in my opinion - If noticed early the child can receive extra support in improving their executive function deficits. But also we have an incredibly ability to solve problems because we have busy minds always thinking. ADHD can be a gift. Some of the most successful people in the world are neurodiverse. Do you know how you mentioned your brother struggled? If he had of had access to support at a young age then maybe he would not be struggling now. You are only seeing the bad in adhd because of your experience with your brother I think and you understandably don’t want that for your son but it doesn’t have to be that way.
Do you know how many people told me my children had adhd? None. My daughter realised it at 14 but even then her school disagreed with her at first except her form teacher who knew her the best and completed the assessment form and she has been diagnosed, followed by me and then my son. It’s more common than you think.

FurryDandelionSeekingMissile · 04/12/2022 06:11

gbconfused · 04/12/2022 05:01

@FurryDandelionSeekingMissile genuine question which bit had roots in eugenics and racism?

"Moron" — it was introduced at the beginning of the 20th century as a medical term for people with what might currently be called mild learning disability, as a more scientific-sounding alternative to "feeble-minded". The psychologist who came up with the term was keen to use his insights to make sure that such undesirable people didn't procreate, and that (lower-class) incomers were checked to make sure they had good genes to boost American breeding stock quality, and pleasant things like that. This guy: en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henry_H._Goddard

Sweetpea84 · 04/12/2022 06:35

My nearly 7 year old has adhd it was apparent from an early age and I was told by people and didn’t want to believe it I then came to terms and now he’s getting the best support and doing well. You said your son isn’t naughty? This is a misconception that all children with adhd are naughty and again children with adhd can be impulsive and fidgety of which they can’t help but can learn to deal with. You also say you son doesn’t sleep? Mine son has adhd and can sleep throughout the night so goes to show it presents differently in each child.

My son is incredibly bright, funny and popular at school. He sees things a lot of his peers wouldn’t even have a clue about. It’s not all negative having adhd and if caught early they can do very well in life.

lifeinthehills · 04/12/2022 06:48

ittakes2 · 04/12/2022 05:07

I think you don’t know as much about ADHD as you think you do. You just listed four adhd traits he has and he also has an inherited link due to your brother being diagnosed. You also seem to think that because he listens to you and can focus he must not have adhd? I can see why you are taking comfort in feedback from nurseries - but nurseries are not usually a good source of opinion on neuro diversity - if they were than all children would be diagnosed in nursery and not primary, or high school or even adulthood like your brother was.
Also, do you realise you are being disabilist towards neuro diversity? So what if your son does have adhd - would you love him less? I doubt it.
ADHD gets a bad rap in my opinion - If noticed early the child can receive extra support in improving their executive function deficits. But also we have an incredibly ability to solve problems because we have busy minds always thinking. ADHD can be a gift. Some of the most successful people in the world are neurodiverse. Do you know how you mentioned your brother struggled? If he had of had access to support at a young age then maybe he would not be struggling now. You are only seeing the bad in adhd because of your experience with your brother I think and you understandably don’t want that for your son but it doesn’t have to be that way.
Do you know how many people told me my children had adhd? None. My daughter realised it at 14 but even then her school disagreed with her at first except her form teacher who knew her the best and completed the assessment form and she has been diagnosed, followed by me and then my son. It’s more common than you think.

This. And yes, there's the genetic link. Having seen the effects of late diagnosis, I would have been so grateful if someone had told me earlier and why they thought that.

Whee · 04/12/2022 06:55

One of the questions on HV questionnaires is 'have other people raised concerns about your child'. Often it is a sign that there might be something worth investigating, or even just considering. If you're confident he doesn't that's fair enough and it depends how people are saying it, but people aren't necessarily doing so with bad intentions.

1234IDeclareAPeanutWar · 04/12/2022 08:00

I wish someone had mentioned ADHD to me earlier with my son.

It never entered my brain until he was nearly at secondary school and primary school mentioned ADHD.

I kept making excuses for him saying "he's just like me, this is what I do/did/cope/find difficult etc"

ADHD was so far off my radar.
When school mentioned it and showed me the questionnaire to fill out, my heart dropped out my arse and everything started to make sense...

Purplelion · 04/12/2022 08:01

I have a friend with a just turned 4 year old. He clearly needs more support as he has some additional needs. She just thinks he is very active and has all kinds of excuses for his behaviour.
I don’t say anything to her anymore but hopefully other people do, as they’ve definitely noticed it too.
If 5 separate people have told you this then I really think you should at least take on board what they’re saying.