Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to MIL?

107 replies

Goingforplatinum · 08/11/2022 06:08

MIL has never offered to have DD2.4 over night, which although is fine and her choice, It's a sore subject as she used to have DSD all the time and still would, but we have told her she can't have one and not the other as its not fair.
As we live a fair bit away from MIL she doesn't really know DDs likes and dislikes, personality or much about her.

So DH comes home last night to say MIL now wants DSD and DD for over night stays once a month.
Now whilst I would love some time to myself, whenever DD has slept ot sister In laws, or when she used to sleep at my sisters she was a nightmare for around 4 days following (bad behaviour and sleepless nights), so to have the one night of a break just seems counter productive.

DD has never been a good sleeper, but I've been working on it and she will now sleep most nights from 7 - 7 with no wakes after 11 and I really don't want to mess all this up, which I fear having an over night stay will do.

I've told this to DH and said MIL is more then welcome to stay at our house, but he doesn't agree and said it will upset MIL and that I'm just been ungrateful and I should never moan again I need a break.

AIBU for saying no?

OP posts:
pastabakeonaplate · 08/11/2022 06:14

I don't think you are being fair to complain she will take one and not the other and then complain when she offers to take your DD. It could be that she's older now so wasn't sure she could handle a baby but now they are a toddler want to give it a go.

If you aren't comfortable with overnight stays could she look after her for a day for you? Also how is she ever going to get to know her if you don't let them spend time together?

luxxlisbon · 08/11/2022 06:15

You spent the first half of your post complaining that your MIL wouldn’t have the kids over night now you are unhappy that it’s one night but your sister takes them for 4??

Why did you say she had to take both kids in the first place then if you didn’t want to mess up the younger ones sleep?

To be honest I’m sort of with your DH, I’ve no idea what you are annoyed about. Some people just don’t feel comfortable with their kids staying away but that isn’t the case here, I’m really not sure what the problem is.

Velvian · 08/11/2022 06:19

Yes I think you YABU. 2 is still quite young for sleepovers, so it would have been entirely appropriate for DSD to be going without DD.

I think you will have to agree, given the conditions you laid down.

Christmaslover2022 · 08/11/2022 06:20

Well I'd snap this up 🤣 me and husband been 10 years, 2 kids with only 1 overnight and a handful of meals out together. You sound like you need some fun instead of just worrying about sleep schedules!
You say she doesn't know them, give her a chance? It sounds like she's trying. All the things that sound like an 'issue' to us probably aren't. Your husband is right. If you're that uncomfortable, book into a hotel fairly near their house so if there's an issue you can be there quickly?

Original poster
Goingforplatinum · 08/11/2022 06:21

No, she used to stay with sister in law or my sister for a night but then the following 4 nights she's back at home she would be a nightmare as it literally sleep for 2 hours during the night, so both myself and DH said no more over night stays as its not worth it for the nights that follow.

He feels she would be better as its his mum, but I have a feeling she gets like it due to separation anxiety.

If DD slept fine, or if MIL had her from the start and she was used to it then it would be different.

I think my problem is she had DSD from a baby but refused to have DD so now DD doesn't tolerate over night visits well as she isn't used to it And only used to being at home.

We have said no more over night stays to SIL and my sister also as it really is that bad when she comes home.

Would a trial be better then? Try it once or twice and if it doesn't work say no until she is a little bit older?

OP posts:
pastabakeonaplate · 08/11/2022 06:22

I think you will have to agree, given the conditions you laid down. I disagree, you never have to let anyone look after your children if you don't want to.

Original poster
Goingforplatinum · 08/11/2022 06:23

I think my issue woth her having DD was she always had her every weekend since 6 weeks old so DH and ex partner could go out. But wouldn't have DD for us at all, regardless of the circumstances of why we needed someone to look after her, or just to get to know her more.

OP posts:
pastabakeonaplate · 08/11/2022 06:24

Would a trial be better then? Try it once or twice and if it doesn't work say no until she is a little bit older yes of course. You should always have the option to say no its not working sorry.

luxxlisbon · 08/11/2022 06:24

I just have no idea why it was unacceptable for MIL to just have the older girl. It’s not that uncommon for grandparents to get less able. Maybe she was better able to deal with a baby waking before but not now. Then you put the condition on her taking the baby if she wants the older one too, but actually you don’t want the baby to stay so that way the older girl can’t stay either. It all just seems quite complicated for no reason.

pastabakeonaplate · 08/11/2022 06:25

Goingforplatinum · 08/11/2022 06:23

I think my issue woth her having DD was she always had her every weekend since 6 weeks old so DH and ex partner could go out. But wouldn't have DD for us at all, regardless of the circumstances of why we needed someone to look after her, or just to get to know her more.

Presumably that was a few years ago now though? And maybe she didn't enjoy it.

Velvian · 08/11/2022 06:30

Well no, I agree with you @pastabakeonaplate , but why on earth did op think it was appropriate to ban DSD from sleeping over, that is what is unreasonable.

Strictly1 · 08/11/2022 06:30

So is saying no a punishment for her not having DD earlier? You complained she didn’t have her overnight - she offers to have her overnight and now she can’t have her.

Tomorrowisalatterday · 08/11/2022 06:32

If you don't want her to have DD overnight, it's just petty and spiteful to say she can't have DSD.

I am also a bit 😯 that DD only slept a couple of hours for your sister and SIL and the disruption to your sleep afterwards is what made you stop it - no consideration for them being up all night!

70billionthnamechange · 08/11/2022 06:32

Got whiplash from that 180

luxxlisbon · 08/11/2022 06:34

Strictly1 · 08/11/2022 06:30

So is saying no a punishment for her not having DD earlier? You complained she didn’t have her overnight - she offers to have her overnight and now she can’t have her.

OP this is exactly comes across.

Also it’s odd that you are making this decision on behalf of your partners 2 year old considering she isn’t your child and he disagrees! If you don’t want his mum to have your daughter now for whatever reason that’s your call but you’re denying his other daughter a chance to bond with her GM and it’s petty.

Original poster
Goingforplatinum · 08/11/2022 06:35

@Velvian it wasn't just about having one and not the other, although that was part of it. But we only have DSD 2 weekends a month when not in the hols, as MIL doesn't drive it was a lot of hours spent in the car driving DSD around as she had her every other weekend, so we never actually got full family days as would drive 2 hours there on Saturday to drop her off, then 2 hours on the Sunday to pick her up, we would only actually see her for a few hours Saturday morning and then drop her straight back to mums from MILs on the Sunday.
I think the not having one without the other comes down to how she would look after DSD as a baby but not DD. DSD has grandparents on mumside too where as my mum passed before DD was born so I literally had no support my end.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 08/11/2022 06:36

Why did she have DSD so often when she was little?

How often does DSD stay with you and how old is she? Why do you need a regular sleepover with MIL?

Original poster
Goingforplatinum · 08/11/2022 06:36

@Tomorrowisalatterday she sleeps fine when she is at SIL, just not for the following nights when she is home.

OP posts:
SweetChild0mine · 08/11/2022 06:37

I think you should try it. Sounds like you're worried but it might work out ok and although will take a bit of time initially, could get you some time to yourself. Also, If you think she has seperation anxiety it will only get worse as time goes on

Don't take any notice of nasty and blunt comments, it's hard to put a point across without sounding awful (I got some blunt replies on a recent post of mine where I was wrongly accused just because people on the internet think it's ok) x

Original poster
Goingforplatinum · 08/11/2022 06:38

@toomuchlaundry because mum and dad went out on weekends.

@toomuchlaundry If I'm honest MIL doesn't like DSDs mum and doesn't think she's a great parent (her words not mine), I think she felt better knowing DSD was with her rather then at home woth a party going in, or with a babysitter.

OP posts:
pastabakeonaplate · 08/11/2022 06:39

If your DH had a problem with her looking after DSD so often then he should have said no. He didn't.

Hesma · 08/11/2022 06:39

You’re getting what you wanted and now you’re complaining????

ZaSar · 08/11/2022 06:41

Sounds like your trying to punish her for her earlier refusal. Honestly if your DH has divorced and DSD was the child from his first marriage it’s not unnatural that she should take a little time to warm up to another woman being the second bearer of her sons children and all the life changes that involves (including probably having DSD partially removed from her life).

As much as we like to gloss over it, multiple children with different partners isn’t real a particular natural thing and it takes some getting used to for PIL that their original grandchild’s now going to be becoming part of another family and there own child is adding yet another partner into their family.

pastabakeonaplate · 08/11/2022 06:44

I think the not having one without the other comes down to how she would look after DSD as a baby but not DD. DSD has grandparents on mumside too where as my mum passed before DD was born so I literally had no support my end. ok so that makes sense why you'd feel a bit like "oh I could have done with the help earlier!" I have a "blended" family and my main bit of advice I would give is to not compare what one family had/has against another. There will always be disparity. What your MIL did in the past may not be consistent with what she does today with you but that is because things change. She might see you as more capable, you may be older than Ex was. I'm sorry you had to go through newborn stage with little support, it's a tough gig.

Ibouncetothebeat · 08/11/2022 06:48

Sounds like she won’t win. You’re not happy because she wouldn’t look after DD as a baby. So now you’re saying she can’t look after he now. And she can’t have DSD without your DD but you don’t want your DD to stay there. YABU!

No one owes you anything. Your baby, your responsibility. Even if she looked after a whole village of strangers babies, that does not mean she can’t say no to looking after your baby.

In fact, she already looked after your husbands other child and (IMO) he took the piss and got her to babysit every weekend so he could go out! I would have told him I’m not doing the same thing again!