To say no to MIL?

[Goingforplatinum]

MIL has never offered to have DD2.4 over night, which although is fine and her choice, It's a sore subject as she used to have DSD all the time and still would, but we have told her she can't have one and not the other as its not fair.
As we live a fair bit away from MIL she doesn't really know DDs likes and dislikes, personality or much about her.

So DH comes home last night to say MIL now wants DSD and DD for over night stays once a month.
Now whilst I would love some time to myself, whenever DD has slept ot sister In laws, or when she used to sleep at my sisters she was a nightmare for around 4 days following (bad behaviour and sleepless nights), so to have the one night of a break just seems counter productive.

DD has never been a good sleeper, but I've been working on it and she will now sleep most nights from 7 - 7 with no wakes after 11 and I really don't want to mess all this up, which I fear having an over night stay will do.

I've told this to DH and said MIL is more then welcome to stay at our house, but he doesn't agree and said it will upset MIL and that I'm just been ungrateful and I should never moan again I need a break.

AIBU for saying no?

Well let's hazard a guess.
You don't miss what you never had?

She's bonded with DSD. She had sole care of her every weekend, then twice monthly, until you put a stop to it. She worries about DSD's mother, & wants to provide a stable grand-maternal presence.

She barely knows your child though, & she won't until you get over yourself.

So either get DH to facilitate it & make all the arrangements with his mother.
Or pick up the phone, thank MiL, & arrange to go & stay WITH DD (& DSD if that's what DH wants). Do this a few times, until you can leave DD at MiL's house while you go out for a few minutes, an hour ... & eventually overnight.

Everybody wins. Just do it, & stop with the "but whhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyy".
This constant digging for other people's motivations so that you can ascribe bad intent to them is serving no purpose bar preventing everybody getting what they want.

Why don’t you suggest that she has both grandchildren during the day, and then just the older one stays over night, until the younger one gets used to the house, and gets used to being away from you.

Why don’t you stay over at MIL to see what happens as it’s so far away or book a hotel room close by so you can have a mini break with partner.

My mum would have my sisters children all the time, when it came to mine she was less reluctant but was honest and said it’s now she’s got holder she found the baby/toddler stage difficult, once my kids got to 5&2 my mum started having them more they’re not nearly 7&4 and she wants them all the time. It’s probably your MILs reason. Your daughter may have slept unwell at her aunties but that’s not to say she will at your mother in laws and if it’s going to be once a month she will get used to it and no doubt love it. I think you’re very lucky this has been suggested. Seems it’s more about you holding a grudge that she has your step child more, but her own age, and the child’s age from my experience with my mum plays a massive part in it.

It sounds like whatever your mil does is wrong in your eyes.

It wasn't your place to tell mil she couldn't have sd.
I don't know why your DH let that slide
Sounds to me you're punishing mil for what she did with her GC even before you where on the scene.

And your DC has a father,it's not only down to you to decide.

I get it OP. You have mixed feelings you don’t totally understand.

You instinctively didn’t want DD there, not 100% sure why but likely related to MIL declining help when DD was born and this being in contrast to how she was with DSD.

You want the siblings treated equally.

You have sleep problems with DD.

And by giving MIL 1:1 time with DSD you and DH lose that time with her. But it’s potentially good for your girls to have that relationship. It’s also ok for them to have their own relationships - you may find when DD is older she goes to MIL alone, so really DSD should be able to as well.

However. You can’t change the past. DD is still SO young and having support from now going forward could be great. How old is DSD?

Why not trial the sleepovers? Agree that DH is prepared to do the grunt work afterwards if DD can’t sleep at home. And consider if DSD mum might allow MIL some time with DSD outside of planned contact time.

Does DSD live with you?

Sounds like a bit of resentment on your part that mil has had your step daughter but not your daughter. What's the age gap between the sisters? Could be that mil was more active and able to have dsd when she was a baby but doesn't think she could cope now? The fact that your dd is a bit older maybe she feels she'll be able to have her now. One part of your post is saying it's sore subject that she doesn't have your daughter and doesn't know much about her, so a complete flip reverse that you don't want her to have the kids anyway?! Sounds to me like mil is damned if she does damned if she don't really. For the sake of 4days getting back into a routine with your daughter for a bit of time with your husband id personally take up the offer. Then mil can form a bond with her granddaughter.

I don’t understand. You said it was a sore subject, now when the offer is on the table (on your terms… not one without the other) you have a problem?

sometimes I think these topics are made up just to get a reaction from people. Click bate at its finest!

OP ”I don’t want my child feeling left out”

MIL “OK I’ll look after both children”

OP “well no actually you can’t do that either”

YABU

So you've wanted her to have your daughter and didn't like her reasons for not being so keen and now that she's offered you don't want her to have your daughter because of your own reasons for not being keen? Stop messing with her head.

To echo a lot of posters I do feel YABU. You gave her a condition to having them and she agreed to it and you still say no. You read like you resent the past effort she had with DSD but you need to keep in mind different situation, different age on her part and it sounds a little like she needed to help her son of a difficult time and that brought about closeness. Looking after a baby is tough and maybe she just didn't feel up to it when was your DD was a bubba. This is a chance to create a bond between the two and also to help DD get more experience away from home before she reaches an age where you find that she is so clingy to you you get no chance to have time to yourself.

Best advice is what others have said let her have them for day time hours a few times then send one or both back until DD feels comfortable, I really don't think it is practical to ask a their nan to move into yours for the nights and not really a solution long term...

I understand why you are hurt but things will never get better if you now back track on the stipulations you put in place.

I feel dreadfully sorry for your dsd. Not having a mum is clouding your judgment. This is your stuff. Both dh and I only had one parent a piece by the time dd was born.

OP weren’t you on a thread, very recently, discussing how unsettled your DD is during the night? Night terrors if I remember correctly?

it would be totally unfair for you to send DD to sleep at her GM’s when she screams all night. It will be unfair for DD and GM.

There is no reason why DSD couldn’t continue her relationship with her GM. The relationship she had before you put a halt to it.

If her dad only has her every weekend maybe DSD could sleep at her GM’s once every two months? You could all go to GM’s to forge a relationship between GM and DD. Leave DSD to sleep at GM’s. You, DH and DD could book into a travel lodge nearby, for the night, to cut down on travelling. Or just DH and the girls. There is no need for you to go. Take some time out for a break.

This thread is really about your jealousy - because you think DSD has something your DD doesn’t isn’t it? Don’t forget your DD has both her parents full time. DSD is being thrown from pillar to post. The least you should do is allow her to continue her relationship with the person who was a staple in her life - before you severed the contact.

So if you don't want DD2 to stay and your MIL doesn't want her to (because of age and not knowing her well), why on earth do you have an issue with DSD going? To be honest that's none of your business, if I were your DH I'd send her anyway. You really should stay out of the relationship between DSD and her GM. Your jealousy and insecurity are showing through. You need to have a good think about your motivations here.

Omg your posts are so contradictory!! Make your mind up!!

I'm confused....surely during Covid you were not allowed overnight visits anyway....having 2 overnight is very different to one especially a baby. Obviously if it doesn't work you may evaluate but by stopping because of teething problems you would never get a night away ....not that I see why you should particularly.
I think you're putting obstacles in her way... don't you like her?

Don't you think sitting crying with her reinforced there was something wrong and more upsetting sounds like you need to work on separation in the day do you use childcare?

Did you allow her to build a bond or is that something you have kept to yourself? What are your true feelings

I'm feeling very sorry for DSD who must wonder what she did wrong to no longer have the close loving bond with Grandma how sad.

How old is dsd?

To everyone saying OP is mean not letting GM have monthly sleepovers with DSD, if you only had your child 2 weekends a month, would you be having them sleepover at GPs one of those weekends

I don't think it's wise to commit to a precedent such as a set number of times a month. These are apt to stick and it's very difficult to break them.

If you're comfortable with the idea, perhaps compromise by agreeing to an occasional sleepover at a mutually agreed time, not set in stone at specific intervals. Once a month is also pretty frequent for overnight contact. If she's not willing to compromise then she's clearly more interested in exerting control than maintaining a relationship with her grandchildren.

In a situation where two people want different things and don't agree, the answer is usually compromise (particularly when you're the parent and the veto of a flat 'no' is very much on you). Capitulation isn't a wise move: it's bound to lead to trouble somewhere down the line and is also setting a very unwelcome precedent for other demands in the future.