To say no to MIL?

[Goingforplatinum]

MIL has never offered to have DD2.4 over night, which although is fine and her choice, It's a sore subject as she used to have DSD all the time and still would, but we have told her she can't have one and not the other as its not fair.
As we live a fair bit away from MIL she doesn't really know DDs likes and dislikes, personality or much about her.

So DH comes home last night to say MIL now wants DSD and DD for over night stays once a month.
Now whilst I would love some time to myself, whenever DD has slept ot sister In laws, or when she used to sleep at my sisters she was a nightmare for around 4 days following (bad behaviour and sleepless nights), so to have the one night of a break just seems counter productive.

DD has never been a good sleeper, but I've been working on it and she will now sleep most nights from 7 - 7 with no wakes after 11 and I really don't want to mess all this up, which I fear having an over night stay will do.

I've told this to DH and said MIL is more then welcome to stay at our house, but he doesn't agree and said it will upset MIL and that I'm just been ungrateful and I should never moan again I need a break.

AIBU for saying no?

Not sure I would think much of a father who offloaded his DD to his mum so he ends up only having her 2 days a month

@toomuchlaundry that's why the overnights stopped originally.

I probably am resentful as when DD was a baby I really struggled and needed support, so to be told no, it was your choice to have children really stung.

Especially when if my mum and dad had been alive they would of loved to of had their grandchild, yet MIL is alive and well and didn't want her.

Wow, I never knew I had these feelings.

Why now, after 2 years has she decided she suddenly wants to have her??

Quite simply, rightly or wrongly she misses DSD so is doing what you have demanded just to spend time with her.

Yes you are your moaning she won't take her and now when she says I would like them both once a month it's not good enough for you ffs poor woman can't do wrong for doing right

But if she misses DSD why does she not miss DD.

I would let her take both siblings

YABU
Why say to mil that she can't have dsd without dd and then change your mind when she agrees to your terms.
You don't know that dd will be a nightmare for 4 days afterwards.
At least try it once, then you can decide based on how it goes.

Some grandparents don't develop bonds with all grandchildren like parents don't develop bonds with all of their children she obviously developed a bond with her grandson seeing him every 2 weeks and cos you couldn't cope with your dd it had to stop and now she is trying to rebuild these bonds and your still being difficult you can at least try this new set up and after a few times and it's not working out then at least you can say we tried but it's not working with dd but please continue with dss

Because she actually helped raise DSD from what you have said, She was a constant in her life, then you come along and took that away out of 'fairness'.

She never had to help raise your dd. its not rocket science.

It's unfair to blame your MIL for your daughter's issues with sleeping out. There's no guarantee that if she had taken your daughter from being a newborn that your daughter would have no issues. It could just be your daughter's personality, especially since she has had many sleep outs with your sister and SIL.

It sounds like you are so worried about having your biological child treated the same that you are willing to destroy your stepdaughter's relationship with her nan.

Of course she has a closer bond with your dsd. Your partner and his ex ditched their newborn on her every weekend. They were shit parents and she stepped in.

It's not OK to use your stepdaughter to get back at your MIL. And don't use the excuse of wanting to spend time with dsd. You and her dad were more than happy to send her to your MILs every time you had her before your own child arrived.

I know what you mean about them taking a few days to settle when back at home. It's really lovely that she has offered and I would probably would let her if she wanted to. But it's your daughter your decision.

It’s interesting that in your OP and first few posts it was not allowing MIL to have DSD because ‘you can’t have 1 without the other’ but she initially didn’t want to have the baby sleep over and how it has totally flipped to her dad missed DSD too much and it was too much time away!

There's a big difference between having an unsettled baby and a less needy baby, especially for an older person.

She would have also been older when your DC was born compared to the older sibling.

I think it's a massive ask to expect someone who is older to have an unsettled baby and be up and down all night.

I don't think your expectations were reasonable, but I understand how it must have felt to have a challenging baby and be missing help from your own family.

I also think it was not ok at all to put a stop to the other grandchild sleeping over. Your DSD has a broken family, it's more important for her to have those connections to her paternal line as she doesn't get the time with her father that your DC gets.

That was petulant and unfair of you. IMO

Well she would have even less time either her father if she spent a weekend a month with her GM. Time spent with GPs can reduce once DC start doing activities, hobbies, seeing their friends etc

I would say that the relationship and bond your MIL had with DD is not usual. It sounds like she became a primary carer, along with the parents. That is not usual and is understandable that she has more than a GP relationship with her.

This may not have been her choice, she may have preferred to have the normal GP relationship that she is trying to establish with your DD. Looking after a baby is very lonely and it would be lovely to get some help including overnights, but I don't think that is usual until DC are older.

There are surely other solutions here. Does MIL ever have DSD when she is with her mum? Could DH have her 3 weekends out of 4? Could he have her during the week?

@Goingforplatinum

Well maybe MIL didn’t actually like your husband and his ex dumping DSD on her constantly but despite that, still developed a strong bond with her. And now since she’s sees her son split from ex and start another family she wanted to make it clear from the start that she wouldn’t be taking on a main caregiver role with DD like her son had thrust on her the first time around.

But maybe you actually resent her not making your life easier by doing the same amount of baby sitting/child care as she did for DSD and are holding it against her?

Honestly after your husband and his ex’s crappy parenting job of dumping DSD on gran so often, coupled with her sons split and now her having to get used to yet another DIL who also comes with her own expectations that gran do her share of childcare, MIL is probably over that whole thing.
But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love her grandkids.

Yeah, I’m on the side of “you’re being a bit of a knobber” I’m afraid.

I think you are unreasonable to have expected your MIL to have both kids overnight from when your DD was a baby. Dealing with two is very different to just having one overnight. I think this was a very unfair expectation and as a result you punished your MIL by stopping the overnights with her elder granddaughter. Shame on you.

It won't benefit your child to stay with someone who is essentially a stranger to them. And then will leave her with sleepless nights til she settles back. it won't benefit you because you have to deal with the fallout. It's for your MIL benefit. And your DH so he doesn't have to listen to his mother complaining.
Why not tell her you were wrong and she can just have DSD like she used to?

I've told this to DH and said MIL is more then welcome to stay at our house, but he doesn't agree and said it will upset MIL and that I'm just been ungrateful and I should never moan again I need a break.

"OK DH. You arrange the visit, you do all the driving & & pick up, the packing, & communication. You'll also be doing the 4 days of after-care when DD won't sleep because her routine is messed up. I'll be in the Travelodge/at my friend's place for those 4 nights, because as you rightly say - I need a break."

(Cue: inevitable bluster & pushback)

"Oh! You think that's unfair? Just ... not unfair when it's being imposed on me, but unfair when YOU are expected to pull your finger out?"

YABVU to not allow your DSD stay with her Grandmother because she didn't take your DD too but then say no when she offers to have them both, just let your DSD go ffs

Don't blame your MiL for lack of support. Why wasn't your husband providing the support you needed? For HIS DC?

I'm sorry for the loss of your parents.
It's ok to be surprised by those feelings. It's not rational, but it's ok to feel bitter that your folks would have been the GP's you wished for. For a SHORT time!
If you find you are dwelling on it, or ascribing unfair motivations to MiL, or blaming her for your DH's unsupportive & contemptuous attitude - invest on some counselling so you can get to grips with your bereavement - no mater how long ago - & some clarity on how you want to handle an optimally cordial relationship with MiL going forward.

If you want to facilitate this - & I think it's in everyone's best interest that you do - then of course a trial.

But you go too. For the first few stays.

Both you & DD will be less anxious, & you can work on building MiL into your ally. Given your husband's attitude, you could use her being on Team You.

This is ridiculous. Normally I’d say “you’ve got no obligation to let anyone have your children overnight” bur honestly? You said she couldn’t have Dsd because she wasn’t also having Dd. Now she’s said she’ll have both she still can’t have Dd?

Just let her have dsd as she wanted and be done with it