To say no to MIL?

[Goingforplatinum]

MIL has never offered to have DD2.4 over night, which although is fine and her choice, It's a sore subject as she used to have DSD all the time and still would, but we have told her she can't have one and not the other as its not fair.
As we live a fair bit away from MIL she doesn't really know DDs likes and dislikes, personality or much about her.

So DH comes home last night to say MIL now wants DSD and DD for over night stays once a month.
Now whilst I would love some time to myself, whenever DD has slept ot sister In laws, or when she used to sleep at my sisters she was a nightmare for around 4 days following (bad behaviour and sleepless nights), so to have the one night of a break just seems counter productive.

DD has never been a good sleeper, but I've been working on it and she will now sleep most nights from 7 - 7 with no wakes after 11 and I really don't want to mess all this up, which I fear having an over night stay will do.

I've told this to DH and said MIL is more then welcome to stay at our house, but he doesn't agree and said it will upset MIL and that I'm just been ungrateful and I should never moan again I need a break.

AIBU for saying no?

It was quite petty of you to stop DSD going there. 2 is still pretty young for over night visits, maybe as she was getting older she felt less comfortable having 2 small children. Now she's offered to do pretty much exactly what you've asked and you're considering saying no? Poor MIL

@pastabakeonaplate I think your right, DSDs mum was very young when she had DSD and MIL has always said she worries about DSD and hiw she wished she lived with her dad and myself, she says she never has to worry about DD like she does DSD, I should probably take it more as a compliment. DSD is and always has been a very easy chilled, well behaved child where as DD is like a tornado from the minute she gets up to the minute she goes to sleep.

I'm contemplating no as I can't deal with four nights of DD sleeping for 2 hours only and clinging to me and crying. I'm honestly not been dramatic, it's that bad. Last time she had an over night stay at SIL I swore she was never staying anywhere ever again as it was so hard going and difficult. I ended up sat crying with her.

You are being massively unreasonable and incredibly selfish. You want to stop your dsd having something that would be nice for her just because it won’t fit in with your own daughter. You’ve even already made a child’s relationship with her grandmother more difficult out of petty jealousy.

You sound like very hard work.

Why don't you agree with your DH that he looks after DD at night afterwards if there are issues?

You don’t have to do it if you’re not comfortable, no one is saying that but why they faux ‘you can’t have one without the other?’

Its not fair to use your partners daughter as a pawn because his mum didn’t have your daughter as a baby.
His older daughter is just over 2! In that time her parents have split up, her dad has a new partner, she gets shipped between them and then dad had a new baby. I imagine his mum is just trying to provide the GD with some stability and normality.

I think you should give it a trial and just be honest with your concerns about them being restless when they return. Yes it's late in the game to decide to do it but she's trying to make an effort it would be nice to meet halfway. Take the opportunity to spend some quality time with your partner. I really wish I had someone willing to have my children over once a month, we never get time together and I think I would sacrifice a few days unrest for that.

Well, he's right that saying no means you forfeit the right to complain.

Tell me you don't like your MIL without telling me you don't like your MIL.

It sounds like because she didn't have your DD in that early period like she did DSD that you are punishing her.

Actually you are punishing your DD and your DH (and to some extent yourself by not taking advantage of the break). DD will soon get used to staying at Nan's by staying at Nan's. She won't by not.

If roles were reversed and you were MIL, this is what you’d likely say- I regret not having my second granddaughter from the beginning but am now trying to make up for it because DIL has made it clear this is what should have been done. I agree with her and would like to give it a go. DIL is now saying no. How can I make up for it if I’m not allowed to try?

You do whatever you want OP but bottomline is you can no longer complain about MIL not putting in the effort and she also cannot win with you. Dead end- what a shame for both children.

I think you were extremely unreasonable and petty to boot to wade in and stop your DSD going there overnight. Not your place and its easy to see what type of person you are with that statement alone.

Can you go and I Ut your daughter to bed at your MIL's, go out either go back there to sleep / book a cheap hotel locally so that you are nearby but also your DD doesn't miss you at the beginning of the night and see how you get on from there?

This is a situation entirely of your own making OP. You well and truly stuck the boot in with DSD and MIL (not sure why it was your business whether DSD stayed over at her grandparents)
Your poor MIL.

So you are punishing your DSD by not allowing her to have overnights with her grandparent because said grandparent wouldn’t have both of them.

Now grandparent offers to have both but you say no so DSD still has to miss out on what has been a routine and likely secure part of her life while the upheaval of her parents splitting up, a new partner coming on the scene and a new half sibling to get used to.

Maybe try looking at it from others perspectives, sounds quite mean doesn’t it?

That's the thing, OP. The rule you made was arbitrary, not your place and had no nuance.

It is not unreasonable to not want a 2yo to go on a sleepover, no one had or offered to have my younger 2 until they were at least 4, but given your rule, it really seems UR to refuse.

At this point you are punishing your MIL and stepdaughter and dripping in about the inconvenience of their sleepovers and her mum.

Now she's offered to have both you husbands eldest can start going again and you can jointly decide about the youngest.

I think this is referred to as shooting yourself in the foot. She wants to take DD, you want a night off, but won't let her due to some perceived prior slight.

I don't know why you're laying the blame at DH's ex for DSD staying over from so young, he surely had a say and could have stepped up but didn't. She's not your child so you shouldn't be policing her sleepovers or her relationship with her grandmother.

So it seems I'm cutting my nose to spite my face.

If DSD goes back to fortnightly sleep over at nans, then when does she see her dad and sister??

Why would it be fortnightly? You said your mil has offered it once a month.

DSD used to stay fortnightly and previous posters have said we should of stayed with that routine.

But if she goes monthly dad will only see DSD monthly too.

How old is DSD? The established relationship between her and her grandmother is important. It is out order for your DH to use his Mother when it suits.

That's up to dad.

when DSD was a baby she used to stay woth MIL every weekend, then when she was 2 dad split with mum and dad used to live with MIL. Then when he moved in with me MIL would have DSD every second weekend (so on dad's weekends) this got too much as dad never saw DSD only to drive her to MILs and then back to mums, so we just did day visits instead, either as a family or DSD and dad. Then DD came along and we continued day visits on weekends. We struggled with DD as very unsettled baby and asked MIL if she could help. She said no. Fast forward a year she asked if she could have DSD again over night, we let her now for one offs but not every other week, we both felt it was unfair for her to have one and not the other. Looking at what I've wrote she probably does miss that bond she has with DSD but I do feel she favours DSD over DD, maybe because she had DSD alot from a young age and feels closer to her as it was her forst grandchild, but I really don't understand why she never did the same for DD. She does always say DSD is her baby and always will be, again probably because it was her first grandchild but she could of built the same bond with DD. Now DD isn't used to overnight stays so when she does have them it's really difficult when she is comes back home as she clings to me and will not sleep (almost like she fears I'm going to go away again)

I'm not sure I've explained it very well, maybe she does regret it and wants to make up for the lost time but that doesn't help the aftermath that I then have to deal with. It's not just MIL I would say no to, but anyone that asks to have her atm. The one night break is not worth the four days following. Its okay for DH to say I can't moan about needing a break but it's me that deals woth the nights and me at home during the day when she's over tired and her behaviour is horrendous

So it wont work for your dd? That does not mean DSD can not go there for the night once a month, it sounds so mean to prevent the relationship between her and her GM on the basis your dd cant go. That is not DSD or GM's problem, it is something YOU need to work out.