Page 5 | 10 month old at funeral

Jellywellyfish · 2022-11-07T19:58:02+00:00

My husbands grandad has just passed away and details of the funeral are being circulated. I would really like to go to pay my respects, but aibu to take our 10 month old to the service? My husband would sit at the front with his family and I thought I could sit at the back so I could leave if she starts being fussy. thoughts?

DoctorAcula · 08/11/2022 18:13

I took my 2 week old to my GDads funeral. I made the massive mistake of being boxed into a pew and couldn't escape once she kicked off. If you can scoot out quickly I don't see the problem.

Trinity65 · 08/11/2022 18:20

I don't think that is Unreasonable OP

You have already stated you would sit at the back and take DC out if need be.
Besides, having a baby there might be just what some Mourners would need.
Sorry for your DHs loss.

Iamnotalemming · 08/11/2022 18:26

Sorry for your loss.
I recently lost my father and brought my DS, same age, to the funeral. A good friend offered to sit with him towards the back so that he wouldn't be upset by me crying and also so she could take him outside if he got too noisy and I wouldn't have to miss anything. Several people said to me afterwards how nice it was to hear a baby babbling in the room. Circle of life, etc.

DappledThings · 08/11/2022 18:32

I wanted to sit at the back, but was instructed to sit at the front with the chief mourners, but to take her out if she got noisy as it was a very formal, incense swinging high church affair.

She started babbling very early on and Dh gave me the nod to take her out.
Nobody needs to take a child out of any service for babbling. As someone who has grown up on a "very formal, incense swinging, high church" tradition I'd be amazed if anyone who was familiar with the church expected it. Children are welcome all the time at all the churches I've attended and some noise is expected. Those who have panicked about their child's normal noise and rushed out tend to be those not used to being in church in my experience

UWhatNow · 08/11/2022 18:47

FuzzyPuffling · 08/11/2022 13:40

I'm one of those who doesn't like small children at funerals. I honestly am not cheered up at all by a baby at such a sad time, and am glad no one brought babies to either of my parent's funerals.

Me too. Even the kerfuffle of someone clattering to take out a wailing baby is disrespectful. When I attended a family funeral recently, heartbroken and in the depths of grief, that is the last thing I would’ve wanted.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 08/11/2022 18:47

I'd take the baby. When DH's grandma died, she had 8 great grandchildren under 3. One by one they became restless and were taken out of the funeral service by their non-blood relation parent.

FiL - son of the deceased - sobbed his way through giving the eulogy, and says his heart lifted as his came out of the chapel and saw all his grandchildren and great nephews/nieces playing in the garden.

Survey99 · 08/11/2022 19:29

BuildersTeaMaker · 08/11/2022 18:10

What is it with this trend of keeping children and babies out of church ceremonies ..drives me nuts

babies, tantrumming toddlers, stroppy teenagers used to go to church each Sunday for whole communities until mid last century . I grew up in 60s where my dad was part of a lay community in a cathedral…I virtually grew up in that cathedral ..home work in the “choir”, being breast fed in the vestry .. doodling during sermons, or just staring at the gargoyles,. I’m sure there were times I wasn’t “well” behaved but most of the time my parents obviously managed just fine. There were always other kids about and even Christ himself actively encouraged children to be bought into his own sermons according to the bible

it is no problem having children in church. If they start to get noisy just take them into the porch and deal with it. For toddlers onwards it’s a firm boundary to say that everyone else is quite to listen and they can talk in a whisper or talk while every is singing. - but in my experience most even small kids clock something is different (echoing building and solemn adults does it normally) and “behave” in a suitable way,

it is important you are there - sit with your husband to support him . Pass the baby between you if needed. Try to ensure you have bottle/dummy ready . Change nappy just before you go into church- back of car job. Take baby with the full pram to lay them in . Maybe miss a nap to try to have them asleep but they make wake anyway. If they do start to fret or cry don’t panic, calmly take baby out to settle then return as soon as you can. Don’t fret about it.

yes you can give heads-up to family. But all church services are public so anyone, including some random off the street, can attend. That includes children of all ages .

Besides, the final justification lies in the bible : Luke 18: 16 “But Jesus called them unto him, and said, Suffer little achildren to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God. 17 Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child shall in no wise enter therein.

so there!

OP didn't say it was a church, she mentions crematorium.

What is it with this trend of keeping children and babies out of church ceremonies ..drives me nuts

Then you have children in the service when you lose someone close, neither is right or wrong, and no one should be made to feel they are wrong when they are grieving. It is an individual choice for others and the feelings of the chief mourners should be respected above all else.

So (a much shorter) there!

VenusClapTrap · 08/11/2022 19:49

DappledThings · 08/11/2022 18:32

I wanted to sit at the back, but was instructed to sit at the front with the chief mourners, but to take her out if she got noisy as it was a very formal, incense swinging high church affair.

She started babbling very early on and Dh gave me the nod to take her out.
Nobody needs to take a child out of any service for babbling. As someone who has grown up on a "very formal, incense swinging, high church" tradition I'd be amazed if anyone who was familiar with the church expected it. Children are welcome all the time at all the churches I've attended and some noise is expected. Those who have panicked about their child's normal noise and rushed out tend to be those not used to being in church in my experience

It was what the immediate family of the deceased wanted; the views of regular church goers don’t really come into it.

thankyouforthesun · 08/11/2022 21:22

@londongals we had my grandad's funeral videoed. He died during covid. Half his children and most of his grandchildren couldn't be there so a wobbly iPhone video was all we got. There is a place for most things even if they seem odd sometimes.

Untitledsquatboulder · 08/11/2022 21:32

@DappledThings don't agree. One of the important parts of a funeral service is being able to hear people's eulogies. Pretty shit if you can't because they are drowned out by a child babbling, however cute you may generally find that.

nocoolnamesleft · 08/11/2022 21:35

I remember my granddad's funeral. One of the few things that made it bearable for my grandma was the presence of a small cute great grandchild.

MumofSpud · 08/11/2022 23:04

Untitledsquatboulder · 08/11/2022 21:32

@DappledThings don't agree. One of the important parts of a funeral service is being able to hear people's eulogies. Pretty shit if you can't because they are drowned out by a child babbling, however cute you may generally find that.

I was surprised when I saw that my DH's eulogy was printed in the Order of Service Booklet

SirVixofVixHall · 08/11/2022 23:06

Yes it is nice. Babies help everyone afterwards when people are sad a tearful. My babies went to quite a few funerals. It wasn’t ever a problem.

Ponderingwindow · 08/11/2022 23:07

I did just that with DH and his grandmother’s funeral. It was either sit at the back with dd or not attend and I really wanted to be there. I did have to step out for a few minutes. It was not a big deal. I slipped out the first peep.

Trees6 · 08/11/2022 23:14

Nanny0gg · 08/11/2022 13:36

I'm old school and think that funerals aren't the place for a baby. By the time they've made a noise it's already disruptive.

But it's entirely up to the close family what they want.

Wakes are a different matter. Babies are always a joy at those.

I agree with this.
Sorry for your loss, OP.

MushroomQueen · 08/11/2022 23:56

I did this with my then 15m old, DP had him at back of room with iPad on silent in buggy as he would have run around crazy it was perfectly fine and I liked having him there

moonriverandme · 09/11/2022 00:07

My 10week old Grandson came to my Mum's funeral. It was what I wanted, he didn't cry, but I wouldn't have cared if he did, he's family & mum loved him in the all to short time she knew him. Also for me, it helped my grief & sadness & was part of the circle of life.

howdoyougethingsdone · 09/11/2022 03:31

Nanny0gg · 08/11/2022 13:36

I'm old school and think that funerals aren't the place for a baby. By the time they've made a noise it's already disruptive.

But it's entirely up to the close family what they want.

Wakes are a different matter. Babies are always a joy at those.

This.

I'm very traditional at funerals.

I like to concentrate on what is being said about the deceased etc. I don't even want happy babies there as it's distracting.

And I don't want them eating snacks either (as has been suggested). I find that disrespectful.

SammyScrounge · 09/11/2022 04:18

Iamnotalemming · 08/11/2022 18:26

Sorry for your loss.
I recently lost my father and brought my DS, same age, to the funeral. A good friend offered to sit with him towards the back so that he wouldn't be upset by me crying and also so she could take him outside if he got too noisy and I wouldn't have to miss anything. Several people said to me afterwards how nice it was to hear a baby babbling in the room. Circle of life, etc.

Yes, elderly people in particular enjoy the presence of children. I didn't take mine to the service but we took them to the wake. The old people made such a fuss of them and enjoyed talking to them

FuzzyPuffling · 09/11/2022 07:26

I'm quite old and babies do not cheer me up one bit, especially if I'm grieving for someone I love, and wish to focus on that.

Please stop with the generalisations, be thoughtful, do not make assumptions and abide by the wishes of the chief mourner, erring on the side of caution.

And definitely no snacks. Small child crunching crisps? No thank you.

HerMajestysRoyalCoven · 09/11/2022 15:11

I’m also in the minority it seems - if I’m at a funeral I want to be engaged in the process of thinking about my loved one, saying goodbye, not wondering who keeps laughing and squealing, or why can I hear the sound of crisis being munched, and is that someone leaving for the fourth time?

Babies and kids at a wake, that’s perfectly appropriate, but they shouldn’t be at a funeral unless they’re able to sit still, remain quiet, and not eat snacks.

None of what we think matters anyway - ask the chief mourners what they think.

PrincessJanet · 09/11/2022 15:28

I supported my best friend through the funeral of her mother. There was a cousin there who brought a young toddler, and honestly, she was a complete distraction. Yes, the mum took her out, but only once she'd been singing her head off.

She spent the Wake telling everyone what a comfort it was to my DBF to have the little girl there, everyone loves a baby at a funeral, circle of life etc. What a load of nonsense. It really upset my friend that the focus was taken off her mum's funeral.

hownowpurplecow · 09/11/2022 15:32

Go, you’ll regret it if you don’t. Our then one year old was “banned” from my father in laws funeral in 2021 and I still feel incredibly sad about it now as we hardly got to see him before he died (thanks covid lockdown), and I didn’t get the chance to go and say good bye. I wish we’d pushed back against it more now and taken him anyway. If your family are supportive and you can leave if he’s disruptive then absolutely go.

Survey99 · 09/11/2022 15:47

hownowpurplecow · 09/11/2022 15:32

Go, you’ll regret it if you don’t. Our then one year old was “banned” from my father in laws funeral in 2021 and I still feel incredibly sad about it now as we hardly got to see him before he died (thanks covid lockdown), and I didn’t get the chance to go and say good bye. I wish we’d pushed back against it more now and taken him anyway. If your family are supportive and you can leave if he’s disruptive then absolutely go.

Who "banned" you? If it was your MIL, or one of FIL children who didn't want young children distracting them at their husbands/parents funeral that is not your child dramatically "banned" it is a very reasonable request from a grieving widow/family. Pushing back against it would have been very bad form. You did the right thing at the time respecting their wishes.

HotDogJumpingFrogHaveACookie · 09/11/2022 15:49

I find it a bit obtuse when people insist that their children are very much appreciated at funerals as a welcome distraction, a reminder of the circle of life or just a joy in general.

Every funeral is different. Every chief mourner is different. Some might very much delight in your children being there, and some may feel complete horror at it.