10 month old at funeral

[Jellywellyfish]

My husbands grandad has just passed away and details of the funeral are being circulated. I would really like to go to pay my respects, but aibu to take our 10 month old to the service? My husband would sit at the front with his family and I thought I could sit at the back so I could leave if she starts being fussy.
thoughts?

A video of a funeral
Really??????????????????????
Who on earth thinks that is acceptable

You should check with your family as to whether they are happy for you to or not

My cousin brought her two young children to one of my grandparents wake and it honestly turned the whole thing into a noisy circus. I am still very upset about it and feel like it was made to be all about them. I’d hate for your relatives to feel the same way because I can’t get over that

We all grieve in different ways. It might help some people to look back on it and reflect.

My dad is still alive but has made it very clear and written down his wishes years ago that he would like his funeral recorded. I won’t be putting my children through having that done, it will just be me, dh and them there when the time comes. My dad is odd though. He wanted to film my mums funeral himself but the vicar talked him out of it. Even as an 11 year old I was mortified at the thought.

I would check with DH’s family. Three of my twins’ DGGP died when twins were under 1. We attended two funerals just as you are suggesting, but when my FiL’s mother died, he preferred that very young children weren’t at the service (we did attend the wake). I think with funerals, even if you would like to attend, it’’s important to respect the wishes of those who were closer to the deceased.

I'd ask the wider family. In my family it's totally normal to take children of any age, as we always make sure there's a family friend there who can take the children out if needed, but in my husbands family, they see it as very odd to have children under the age of 8(ish) at funerals 🤷‍♀️ every family is different so us check with them.

I think your DH needs to approach his grandma and ask her wishes and respect whatever she says. From experience, it’s very difficult to pay your respects or listen properly to the speeches when you are simultaneously trying to juggle a 1 year old and stop them from being bored. I’d try and get childcare unless the family really want them there.

I took my five 5 day old DD to my aunts funeral and she was fine, just slept. Then took her to my mums funeral when she was 8 months old and she was fine but my DH had for the actual service and was prepared to take her outside if needed.

Absolutely fine, not sure why you'd question it.

We recently took our children to their man's funeral and the youngest was about that age.

I sat at the front next to my partner but on the end of the aisle with them in a pram. I took lots of snacks and they were good as gold. I had friends on standby to take them out if they booted off.

The eldest was 2 and was walking around but behaving. He was looking out the window and stood near the coffin and everyone said how nice it was. The circle of life I guess.

@londongals
To clarify - I was asked by the funeral director if I wanted a webcast and said no it is ok but in the funeral package we ended up going with, it was included - a live webcast and then it is available for a month after.
As it was, some of DH's family overseas who couldn't attend were able to log on 'live'.
So it wasn't as if someone had their phone out recording!
I should have said webcast not video but my brain is not functioning well at the mo!

My condolences to you.
Check with the closet relative if they would be ok with your child going. We always have babies and small children at funerals; death is part of life.

In my family this would be absolutely fine. Weddings, funerals etc are part of life for the whole family and everyone goes. But I’d check with your DH’s Nan.

Yes it's fine if you're willing to leave if they're fussing. Take snacks.

Yes, go.

Well clearly the widow to whom you aimed your ridiculously over-punctuated post at.

A video of a funeral
Really??????????????????????
Who on earth thinks that is acceptable

Having a go at a widow's choices for her husband's funeral.
Really?
Who on earth thinks that's acceptable.

My grand-daughter (10 months) came to my MILs funeral recently.

They sat in the front row. She wasn't silent but she didn't cry/whinge and would have been taken outside if that was the case.

When the curtains closed at the end she clapped. It was lovely.

Thanks I responded!

Thanks I responded

We took our 6 month old but that was at the request of the chief mourner (MIL)

DH's was videoed because it was covid times and not everyone who wanted to be there could travel to it.

Absolutely reasonable. Nobody will object. Plenty of traditional funeral spaces; churches, crematoriums etc have 'crying rooms,' for this purpose. An if not, you just pop outside like you said.
Stop worrying over nothing!

A child that young will make noises and distract some people. If the chief mourners (the deceased wife and/or all his children) are fine with a young child there then it is ok.

If any of them have reservations they should be respected.

I have a 10 mo and went to a funeral last week. Sat at back exactly like you said. Absolutely fine zero issues x

What is it with this trend of keeping children and babies out of church ceremonies ..drives me nuts

babies, tantrumming toddlers, stroppy teenagers used to go to church each Sunday for whole communities until mid last century . I grew up in 60s where my dad was part of a lay community in a cathedral…I virtually grew up in that cathedral ..home work in the “choir”, being breast fed in the vestry .. doodling during sermons, or just staring at the gargoyles,. I’m sure there were times I wasn’t “well” behaved but most of the time my parents obviously managed just fine. There were always other kids about and even Christ himself actively encouraged children to be bought into his own sermons according to the bible

it is no problem having children in church. If they start to get noisy just take them into the porch and deal with it. For toddlers onwards it’s a firm boundary to say that everyone else is quite to listen and they can talk in a whisper or talk while every is singing. - but in my experience most even small kids clock something is different (echoing building and solemn adults does it normally) and “behave” in a suitable way,

it is important you are there - sit with your husband to support him . Pass the baby between you if needed. Try to ensure you have bottle/dummy ready . Change nappy just before you go into church- back of car job. Take baby with the full pram to lay them in . Maybe miss a nap to try to have them asleep but they make wake anyway. If they do start to fret or cry don’t panic, calmly take baby out to settle then return as soon as you can. Don’t fret about it.

yes you can give heads-up to family. But all church services are public so anyone, including some random off the street, can attend. That includes children of all ages .

Besides, the final justification lies in the bible : Luke 18: 16 “But Jesus called them unto him, and said, Suffer little achildren to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God. 17 Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child shall in no wise enter therein.

so there!

It’s a no from me. But I’m scarred by a horrible experience of taking dd to dh’s granny’s funeral when she was 18mo. I wanted to sit at the back, but was instructed to sit at the front with the chief mourners, but to take her out if she got noisy as it was a very formal, incense swinging high church affair.

She started babbling very early on and Dh gave me the nod to take her out. I had to walk all the way down the aisle, heels clacking, which was pretty mortifying. It was sleeting outside but I couldn’t get into the car because I realised too late that the car keys were in dh’s pocket. I decided to walk to a nearby cafe that MIL had suggested I could go to if necessary, but took a wrong turning and got lost.

It was a rural area, sleet getting worse, light fading, I had inadequately warm clothing because we’d been told to dress smartly, and dd was crying. I messaged and rang DH, SIL, BIL, but all their phones were on silent (obviously). Ended up sheltering in a bloody roadside shrine thing (not U.K.) until the funeral ended and they came to look for me.

I was blue with cold, dd was screaming the place down, and everyone was fucked off with me for causing a drama. It was horrible. I hadn’t wanted to take dd in the first place, but MIL had insisted it was the right thing to do. I cannot see how anyone benefitted from it.