Not sure whether to be a sahm or not

[Flowerpicker1]

Had 2 under 2. My maternity leave is now coming to an end following the birth of my 2nd dc. Neither dc are in nursery. DH is on a good wage.

Have been given the option not to return to work if I don't want to. Dh can cover us. It would be part not full time anyway.3 days.

Not sure what to do. On one hand I'd love to be there for all of my dcs childhood but on the other I worry if I would cope. We don't have any family or support nearby.

If you work would you rather be a sahm and not put your children in nursery? Or have you done this and loved it/regretted it?

@Dacadactyl

Why wouldnt he do a good job?

@mantramama

They may not remember this age, but it matters, it really does.

Proof? And I don't mean Romanian orphanages.

When you meet an adult can you tell whether their parent stayed at home or not?

You are clearly very stridently ant sahm, but I have no idea why. Your own circumstances may have dictated otherwise, but can you not appreciate that it might be a good thing for others?

@Dacadactyl If i thought my husband would do as good a job as me at stay at home parenting, then i would be happy for him to do it.

Be honest. You wouldn't though. It is inherently unfair but do us the courtesy of owning your choices.

This implies women who work are denigrating their motherhood

What a load of bollocks

I think if you read the original post you will find the DH in this case is happy for the children's mother to stay at home. I would imagine the couple had a grown up conversation about how they wanted to raise their children and decided that one parent would bring the money in and the other would stay at home and care for the children. I think most couples do this.

blueshoes - children are resilient and will survive and adapt to all sorts. But it is obvious that an institution or a non-parent is a less optimal situation for a baby / young child than a 'good enough' parent.

@Labraradabrador

That implies you think I'm anti sahm because I'm jealous?

I'm absolutely not.

I appreciate other women want to be, yes. That is their choice.

Do I think its an ideal all women should be striving for?

Absolutely not.

wouldn't be a SAHM. I worked part time until the youngest left primary and now am nearly FT.

I needed both worlds, and so did our finances!

You've not answered the actual question

Unfortunately I don't think most couples do discuss childcare pre kids

He would do a good job, but not AS good as job as me. He is less sociable and outgoing than me. He would find playgroups, rhyme times, swimming etc stressful. I think these are imporrant activites for SAHMs.

I suspect he would be more inclined to actually just stay at home more than i would. He would certainly do lots of reading, playing, baking etc with them but in terms of socialising he is less keen than me. I think all aspects are important (mums and tots groups etc) and going to things like this would come more naturally to me than him.

We play to our strengths.

@mantramama nothing is 'obvious'. You are just spouting platitudes. Stay at home if you want, but don't make it into something that is 'obviously' beneficial for the child, like every mother is a saint because, you know, they are not.

@Dacadactyl I suspect you never asked him.

Your words, not mine! I truly do not understand the level of antagonism you bring to this debate.

I think the whole point is that there isn’t one best choice for everyone. Different circumstances, different preferences, different choices.

I promise you , you'll blink and your Dc will be an adult , take every moment you can to enjoy them , to be a mother is the most rewarding job you will ever have .

If a mother dies not respond to a child's needs, or is depressed or similar, then yes, a child will be better with someone else or a nursery setting. This is why I used the term 'good enough,' meaning the absence of those sorts of issues.

Babies who have grown up in nurseries with key workers survive snd adapt - because they know nothing else and have no choice or comparable experience. Just like children who are sent to boarding school adapt and survive. They have to. They doesn't mean either is a.normal or desirable scenario for children to be in.

No, i didnt ask him, that is true. I wanted to stay at home with my children. I didnt want anyone else to do it, not even him. In our marriage preparation course we discussed what we wanted to do workwise and decided what we were going to do at that point. We have always been on the same page.

He also wanted me to be a SAHM...he still thinks its important for one or other of us to be around for the kids. Our children are 15 and 10 now and we have decided that its best for them for me to stay PT for now. He has also said hes happy for me to stay PT once the kids have grown up.

You'll need to start reading Bowlby, Bion and others on attachment. I can recommend a reading list if you like

No, I would never want to be a SAHM.

I didn't have a choice after DC1 was born for various reasons, went back 4 days a week when she was 9 months old. I would have preferred to have done only 2 or 3 days a week and to have taken the full 12 months leave, but DH was a student at the time, so I didnt have a choice.

With DC2, DH now earns enough that I didn't have to go back if I didn't want to, and we also have two sets of childcare fees and less support to cover childcare emergencies because the relative that used to help us is now unwell so cannot. However I still didn't want to be a SAHM. I took 12 months mat leave, resigned from my job and moved to two different ones and dropped down to 3 days a week. DH is planning to soon drop to 4 days a week because it's not worth working the extra day he does now anyway because of the cost of childcare on that third day for the two of them.

You are making value judgments on what is normal or optimal without any evidence. Can you not see that?

@Labraradabrador

Antagonistic is your perspective, not mine.

Interesting your not challenging the motherhood is akin to sainthood and our biological destiny crowd and telling them there isn't one best choice for everyone

I dont think there is 1 best choice for individuals. People are different. Different things will suit different people. That doesn't mean those choices don't have wider societal impacts

I do also object to being told that working mums are harming their children or that dads can't be equal parents.

@CoastalWave

Life is short. Actually find it incredibly sad the number of women who feel the need to prove themselves at work once they have kids. I do wonder why some people even bother having them given they just hand over their care to other people. Barely see them. What's the actual point?!

Bingo. You have won the coveted award for most bigoted perspective and best use of cliches. Congratulations.

Attachment theory has nothing to do with parents working, dont be ridiculous

Sigh, I mentioned I did not mean Romanian orphanages. I know about attachment theory. We are not talking extremes here. Just working mothers v. stay at home mothers. Mountains out of molehills.

Yes, is the answer.
It is possible that if more couples had that conversation pre- children then some parents wouldn't end up so bitter at having to go to work.