Not sure whether to be a sahm or not

[Flowerpicker1]

Had 2 under 2. My maternity leave is now coming to an end following the birth of my 2nd dc. Neither dc are in nursery. DH is on a good wage.

Have been given the option not to return to work if I don't want to. Dh can cover us. It would be part not full time anyway.3 days.

Not sure what to do. On one hand I'd love to be there for all of my dcs childhood but on the other I worry if I would cope. We don't have any family or support nearby.

If you work would you rather be a sahm and not put your children in nursery? Or have you done this and loved it/regretted it?

Beanbagtrap - nobody is saying women should give up their careers.

My DDs are in one of the top schools in the U.K. Partly because I did the work with them daily, to get them through the entrance exams! They will do whatever they want to do and are set for top grades. Supporting my kids education is a major reason why I have SAH. I have one at Oxbridge now. One has been in a lot of theatre. Five kids is a lot and requires a significant input in terms of ferrying about to different activities, homework support and general life! No nanny would cope , frankly! But as for my DDs, if they want to SAH and they can afford it and they have the right type of husband with the right attitude for this, then fine. Whatever feels right to them. I'm not going to insist they do STEM or make them feel they have to chase high-earning jobs if they don't want to. But I will also support them in achieving the grades to do this, in case that's what they want.

I didn't say you claimed your opinion is fact I said you're stating your opinion as fact whilst dismissing everyone elses, outright telling people you don't care what they have to say, cherry-picking posts deliberately to find something to disagree with and making snide remarks to many posters while you're at it. So it's hardly "aggressive" or unreasonable that people on here think you come across as an argumentative arsehole. Hope that helps!

New username from the other day actually, not that it's any of your concern. Not sure why you're name-searching me, but your behaviour has been rather odd throughout this whole thead I suppose.

When do groups of men go for coffee (unless it's business)?

What do you mean!? Your question is just so bizarre it’s hard to answer. Men literally meet for a coffee all the time.
I actually just find it mental that you think something as simple as going for coffee is gendered.

If I went to my local coffee shop right now it would be a pretty rough even split between men and women.

Well it's just an observation of mine, luxxlisbon.

The men you describe sounds quite unpleasant . rah rah rah? I don't think my dh would enjoy their company for very long. All that posturing must get tiresome. I suspect a SAHD would not be particularly welcome in that group.

If I am with a group of women, we try to find common points of conversation. If they are a SAHM, I would not talk about work. Why would I other than to bore them to tears. If they were working women, we might talk about the commute/WFH or organising childcare but again not work specifically if they are not in my field. If I was at an industry event or conference and with a group of women, we would totally talk about the ins and outs of work issues and people we know in the industry.

One thing I won't do is ask a woman whether or not she works. For the reason that if she did not, she might feel got at. Didn't the late Queen use to ask 'What do you do during the day?' to avoid this thorny issue.

In short, nothing you cited is conclusive evidence of biology. No other inferences can be drawn other than this happens to be the company your keep and people are being polite and inclusive.

@MollieMarie

There's really no difference between stated and claimed.

Every other poster is also stating their opinion as fact. Not sure why I'm being singled out in that regard.

Everyone else is also 'cherry picking' bits of posts. Quite a lot of them only have 1 or 2 interesting bits worth picking out.

I dont mind that you think I'm an argumentative arsehole, that's fine but to come onto a 700 odd comment thread just to tell me that seems a bit stalkery

And no, I didn't name search you. I just hadn't seen your name on this thread so thought you had already posted and then changed your name

The cherry picking and not caring about what people think and the snide comments and the name changing all having been mentioned by a poster already.

But they were going to work so....

Anyway, if that's all you have to contribute I'll leave it there

DH will meet friends for coffee or a beer when they decide they'd like to catch up.
I don't understand why that's seen as unusual

@Topgub that equal doesn’t mean the same. Equal rights - yes. Choice-yes. Different function though. Basic biology? Hi

You must live in a bubble.

blueshoes - fair enough. I would agree that people would tend to ask, "What do you do" rather than "Do you work." Thinking about it, over the years, people have never asked me anything though. Most of them know my husband anyway. Also, because when they see me out and about - eg. crossing the road somewhere like Hyde Park Corner with a double buggy, three kids on scooters and a dog in tow, it's fairly obvious what I'm doing. The main question I have had over the years is, "Do you not have a nanny.?"

@SnowBall86

I've never said equal means the same though

And men and women dont have equal choices.

If I called you an arsehole, it would be aggressive. A general 'people are being arseholes' is a 'strong opinion.' Which is fine by you, right? Did I say women have to be kind and supportive? No I fucking did not. I said I want a kind and supportive debate, rather than arseholes trying to shut everyone up for not agreeing with them.

You are trying to shout down every single opinion and person on this thread who dares to have a different opinion to you. I need some real help with this very thing, and instead of balanced discussion and a listening, helpful debate, there's you picking fights and yelling other women down. Like the really good feminist you are, right? Aren't there enough men already doing that?

You have fuck all interest in the op and other women's situations, other than to tell everyone how right you are. Your posting style is pompous and insufferable, and the constant attacking other women feels close to bullying.

I'm feeling quite emotional about this. It's people like you in my work life, that means I'm struggling here trying to get help and perspective, and here you are, gatekeeping the thread 24/7 with your tone deaf, abrasive posting style and utter incapability to listen to anyone else. So yep, I'll leave the thread too, thanks to you.

Keep your snarky little reply that you give everyone else. I won't read it.

I'll give you the same response you've given others on this thread - I literally don't care.

Crack on with your increasingly unhinged posts and behaviour.

@FridaBarlow

Now that is aggressive!

No, you're right I'm not interested in people's personal situations. I dont think many of the other posters are either.

I guess that's the problem with mumsnet. It doesn't have a defined 'debate' section and a defined 'support' section.

I'm sorry you're feeling emotional and struggling but no, I haven't attacked or bullied anyone.

Good luck with being a sahm

If you're supportive you're not debating. You're agreeing

You are wrong.

Other people are able to debate in a supportive manner. People should feel supported in order to participate meaningfully.

You seek agreement by debate. You don't achieve one without the other.

Supportive doesn't mean agreeing.

@mantramama what a bizarre view of people you have. I must be a man based on what you said. I don’t even like coffee!
Your views just reaffirm to me that as a family where both parents work, it is enriching the lives of our family rather than damaging it. I cannot imagine a life where all the people I know for the stereotypes that you describe. And for what’s it’s worth I have a diverse mix of friends with and without children, and a mix of parents that work and that don’t work. Thankfully they are far for interesting than your small world.

That poster isn't a SAHM - she has stated that she works.

Why are you deliberately undermining women and changing what they say?

What is your agenda here?

@SoulTrayne

My mistake, I thought they had said they were struggling and wanted to be a sahm but were unsure?

Anyway, the pp has made it clear they don't want to engage with me so I won't discuss them further

"Thankfully they are far for interesting than your small world."

Yes it must be a 'small world' if it's a bit different to yours. Just tell yourself that.

I have two DC 4 and 2. I work part-time 3 days a week Tues -Thurs. I couldn't be a SAHM even if we had all the money in the world as I know I'd just hate it. I truly love my babies but I know mentally I couldn't cope with it 24/7 365 days a week. It's good to have some time away, I like working and contributing financially to the household whilst also keeping my career going. It's not wrong to want to work and make use of nurseries or childminders.

It wasn't a mistake.

That poster works. She is a working parent. She is obviously having some issues, but she is a mother who works.

You keep trying to take other women down under the guise of what? Equality, I think you said.

I have my doubts.

@SoulTrayne

I know they work. Thats why I said good luck with being a sahm as I presumed that was the choice they were looking to make/ struggling with. If that's not the case, then I'm mistaken.

I'm not taking anyone down. Nor do I have an agenda.

I'm just wasting time arguing with people on the Internet. If you dont like my posts, don't engage with them. Easy.

It seems we've reached the point of the threat where the personal attacks start. Longer than most tbf.

I'll engage with what I like.

If I don't like your posts, I'll tell you. Don't like it? Don't engage with me.

You've been spouting a lot about equality while simaltaneously trying to undermine women on this thread.

You misquote them repeatedly.

You tell them that they're wrong.

You tell them that you're right.

But you don't have an agenda.

Righto.

@SoulTrayne

No, I haven't misquoted anyone

And yes, I tell people they're wrong and I'm right.

Kind of standard for discussing differing opinions?

Others have told me I'm wrong and they are right.

And even more have done the same without me involve at all!

No one has to agree with anyone. If you think thats the same as undermining rather than just disagreement then thats up to you.

Why would I have an agenda?!