Not sure whether to be a sahm or not

[Flowerpicker1]

Had 2 under 2. My maternity leave is now coming to an end following the birth of my 2nd dc. Neither dc are in nursery. DH is on a good wage.

Have been given the option not to return to work if I don't want to. Dh can cover us. It would be part not full time anyway.3 days.

Not sure what to do. On one hand I'd love to be there for all of my dcs childhood but on the other I worry if I would cope. We don't have any family or support nearby.

If you work would you rather be a sahm and not put your children in nursery? Or have you done this and loved it/regretted it?

Except, weirdly enough, their ohs are always fully engaged and spend loads of time with the kids. Huh?

Quite the contradiction

Cared enough to post, moaning about getting a row

No. I dont think so. Not if they have a male oh who is using their female oh staying at home to further their careers

What if it's two women, married to each other, one of whom is working, while the other is a SAHP?

What if the man is not 'using' the woman to further their career? What if he also stepped his career to one side to create a more flexible working/living environment?

Who decides whether the man is using, contributing or something else?

There are as many variations as you want.

Equality is a huge, monstrous fucking male problem. It makes me sick to constantly read women laying the blame at the door of other women.

Topgub - ok, so in your equality nirvana, there would presumably be something like a couple (Mr and Mrs A) who both work equal hours, earn equal salaries, children in school / day centre and that's it. All is well because they spend an equal amount of time in the evening with their child. So very wonderful and equal. Perfection!

Except they are not equal at all. This is because Mrs A spends her days in the office with a knotted-feeling in the pit of her stomach because she's worried she had to send DD1 to school a bit ill today. Strangely. Mr A manages to switch off from the kids at work in a way Mrs A can't seem to manage, no matter how hard she tried. Mrs A is also a bit worried about whether she put the rugby shoes in DS' bag today; and she's hoping DD's friends don't leave her out at lunchtime again. All sorts of niggles that, funnily enough, don't seem bother Mr A while he's at his work.

Oh get over it Mrs A. You aren't really worrying you know. Its not real feelings. It's just SOCIAL CONDITIONING, don't you know. How silly you are. Be more like the DH. You are EQUAL you see, with your equal jobs; equal time sprint with children; equal school runs; equal loading the dishwasher; and all. Count the tasks. See, you are Equal. Have a clap.

What's that Mrs A. You went to the GP? You are prescribed anti-depressants? You are thinking of going PART-TIME because you feel depressed? No..,, er hang on. You have the equal job. You must maintain this at all costs. Otherwise people may thing you are.., well...,, NOT EQUAL!!!!!

My husband does use me to further his career and I use his career to enable me to be a full-time parent. It's called a marriage, a family.

i love that feminists over here fail to comprehend that equality doesn’t mean “you have to do the same as your DH because you’re equal”.

Hello, I actually had that option and chose to stay at home. If I could go back and change my mind I would! As much as I have loved being home with ours (they are two years apart) it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done! I was pregnant over lockdown and delivered just before the second lockdown. I actually found it really lonely and tough work with two. We decided to then send on to nursery for a few mornings a week which really helped and when my youngest turned one she also did the same and it made life much easier! I think having some free time from them made day less stressful because I could focus on me and them being in nursery meant they socialised with other kids and adults.

I am now going back after a four year break and actually cannot wait! I love my kids and love spending time with them but I think for me personally I need my own thing too. Whilst we are financially secure and extra income just adds to our savings and investments but more so means should anything happen to my husband I will be able to support our children.

it’s always hard deciding! Good luck!!

"i love that feminists over here fail to comprehend that equality doesn’t mean “you have to do the same as your DH because you’re equal”.

This is also what i find fascinating. It's what I mean by superficial equality. Count the tasks. All there is to it.

All this pretty much resonates with me.

@mantramama so in your scenario, for us :

1. I never decided single-handedly to send a child to school who was unwell. We'd decide together if either of us could take all or some of the day off, and do whatever we could to accommodate. If we did need to work when we knew the child was off colour, I can assure you my husband didn't gaily disregard this whilst unnecessarily staying at work

2. both work? Be organised. Sports kit and everything else packed and checked the night before. Again, I should advise that there are some men in the world who are both capable and willing of taking some of this responsibility on

3. do dads really not worry if their children are having a hard time at school? Most of the fathers I know would ?

@LargeHadronCollidHER @Blacknosugarplease

referring to your point 3;
anyone who needs 2 salaries doesn’t have enough.

Always keep your career going. Independence, mental health, good role model, the list goes on.

@piesforever I find it so sad that one can only be perceived as a good role model by having a job. Poor mental health can happen to everyone but the ones I know suffering the most are the ones completely ground down by full time work and family and not having a good balance of the 2. They’re tired, stressed, busy and never have time for the things they would actually like to do.
Living to work is a just an existence.

😂😂😂🙄

CloudPop - my point was that by and large, women instinctively carry the 'mental load' to a greater degree than men. They just do, whether they are working or not. Biological differences? All societal conditioning? We could argue about that until the cows come home. The fact is, this is what tends to happen, even when women and men are, on the face if it, equal.

Then neither of those scenarios are relevant to what I said?

If we wait for men to fix inequality we'll wait for ever

I see you've avoided answering if you think working parents are raising their kids.

Lol.

You're funny.

Feminists over here?

What do feminists over there think?

@CloudPop

Exactly

Jesus. The snidey little kicks. I did NOT avoid your question. I talked about something else. I'm still here.

Of course I think working parents are raising their kids.

Then I'm baffled as to the point of your first post.

Really? Okay then.

@Stixxul

Can you explain?

Particularly the bits about no one valuing about raising children?

So? I don't care what others think of me. I'm happy

So? I don't care what others think of me. I'm happy

Me too :)