Not sure whether to be a sahm or not

[Flowerpicker1]

Had 2 under 2. My maternity leave is now coming to an end following the birth of my 2nd dc. Neither dc are in nursery. DH is on a good wage.

Have been given the option not to return to work if I don't want to. Dh can cover us. It would be part not full time anyway.3 days.

Not sure what to do. On one hand I'd love to be there for all of my dcs childhood but on the other I worry if I would cope. We don't have any family or support nearby.

If you work would you rather be a sahm and not put your children in nursery? Or have you done this and loved it/regretted it?

@Stixxul

I'm not arguing that raising kids is worthless.

Quite the opposite.

It's just that I'm perfectly capable of raising mine with my oh and working.

Doesn't have to be one or the other.

I was fortunate to be a sahm for 10 years whilst my children were little and growing. I don't regret a second of it. Hard? Yes. But I saw every milestone, met their very need, and completely threw myself into being a mother and nothing more.
I realise not everyone is in the financial position to be able to do that (and we certainly aren't ourselves now) but I wanted children to raise myself, not for other people to raise. If I got the opportunity again I'd grab it with both hands, at least until they start full time school.
Seems being a sahm is looked down upon on here though!

@Stixxul you are projecting a lot in your post. You assume but I don't think you read. Nobody said I am happier than you. You made that one up.

@hot2trotter

I dont think posts like yours help to be fair.

Observation and opinion is not projecting.

People have spoken about happiness directly and indirectly - satisfaction, contentment and so on. I didn't 'make it up.' For reference, please see the entire thread.

I would have laid money on you wading in with something like though. Ignore everything, stick the boot in.

I've named changed. I'll be talking about tax elsewhere shortly

it’s really up to you, there’s no right or wrong.

I’m SAHM with 2 children, school age one and a baby and I love it. Prior to having DC I vividly remember sitting in the office having existential crisis about why the hell am I here and who on earth cares about printers so much as to shout at the other person (I worked in IT). Work didn’t bring me joy - having children I feel like I have a purpose. I wake up every morning knowing I’m making memories with them.

Yes, we have less money. Yes, I’m financially dependent and I will never have a great career. But it’s a privilege and a compromise. I’d rather die having less things rather than having less memories with my little ones. Little hands, cheeks that smell like childhood, eyes full of admiration - all of it to soak in. I was heartbroken when my oldest started school and I get to see him less.

I’m planning to stay off work until both kids are at school though and then find something part time and term time as we don’t have any family around.

If working mothers don't raise their children because they use childcare, then by default working dad's don't either.

Just because I work doesn't mean I am not raising my child. There is more to it than being physically present all of the time.

And what milestones do working parents miss? If a child walks for the first time at nursery (or maybe when they're at grandparents!) does that mean you'll never see them walk? I've never understood that argument.

People also need to remember that many people have flexible jobs. I've never missed an assembly, show or school event (neither has DH) because we have roles that are flexible enough for us to work around school commitments.

Mumsnet, the place where mothers tell each other off for wanting to spend more time with their children.

Stixxul - great post.

I hold my hands up and admit I am defensive about being a SAHM on MN because there are a lot of strong views about it that I don't encounter in real life. Mainly though, it's interesting to me that anyone would even be interested, if that makes sense.

Also, I do feel quite strongly that the notion of 'equality' that gets pushed in here, is only very superficial and short-sighted and not actually equality at all. So that's why I am engaging.

I m currently on a career break and at home with my 17 months old and my 4 year old who is in school 9 to 3.
It is not easy but I don't regret it at all.
Sometimes I really feel like I need just a few hours to work on my own projects for when I ll go back to work but I remember the struggle of working and having my eldest in an appalling nursery that was sucking all my salary up and I m glad I m there for both my girls.
It also depends a lot whether you have friends in your area, other mums to meet with the children or whether you and your children would be isolated from everyone else. Because in that case would be better for them to have at least some baby groups to develop their social skills and for your memtal health to chat with other adults out of the house.

@mantramama

How was it a great post?

Do working parents not raise their kids?

Equality is equality. You not wanting it doesn't make it superficial

@glowtorch

Mumsnet, the place where women tell other women off for wanting equality

Stixxul's post at 11.50 was a great post.

I'm equal to my husband, we just do different roles. We both profit from his wage and my homemaking and our child profits from both, you see, the child is our priority and we couldn't give a toss about feeling like we're both doing the same thing in the home. We're not because it would be inefficient.

Also, I do feel quite strongly that the notion of 'equality' that gets pushed in here, is only very superficial and short-sighted and not actually equality at all.

My version equality is one that is based on significant academic research, some of it my own, which is used to inform my professional practice and my pedagogical approach in teaching others to support people of all ages making career and education related decisions.
There's nothing superficial or short sighted about it.

Becoming a SAHP is a valid choice, but it is superficial and short sighted not to acknowledge the many, many influences which impact this decision.

And I spend lots of time with and raise my children, you see?

Equally. With their dad.

Who doesn't have control over our finances.

and the same can be said about choosing to work and the type of work you do.... before anyone jumps on me!

That's nice, especially the first part, if it's true.

Mumsnet, the place where women tell other women off for wanting equality

You cannot seriously be saying that SAHP don't want equality? You cannot be that reductive, surely?

I was raised by a feminist SAHP. I am a feminist, married to another feminist. I worked for decades in a male-dominated environment and rose to the top of it.

But because I then stepped to one side and became a SAHP, all that is wiped clean, and I don't want equality? Am I no longer a good feminist? Am I womaning all wrong?

Wtaf?

No I'm not. I'm a SAHP and a maternal feminist.

Why arent you outraged that @glowtorch thinks working mums aren't spending enough time with their children? Out of interest?

Of course sahp can want equality and be feminists.

Are they achieving equality?

No. I dont think so. Not if they have a male oh who is using their female oh staying at home to further their careers

That's nice, especially the first part, if it's true.

Why wouldn't it be true? Don't you see, you making this dig is the same as those who claim SAHM are dull/brainless/don't want equality ( I don't believe any of that is true btw.....)

Assumptions that WOTP never see their kids are just as bad

Why wouldnt it be true?

Does your oh not spend time with his kids?

So? I don't care what others think of me. I'm happy.