Not sure whether to be a sahm or not

[Flowerpicker1]

Had 2 under 2. My maternity leave is now coming to an end following the birth of my 2nd dc. Neither dc are in nursery. DH is on a good wage.

Have been given the option not to return to work if I don't want to. Dh can cover us. It would be part not full time anyway.3 days.

Not sure what to do. On one hand I'd love to be there for all of my dcs childhood but on the other I worry if I would cope. We don't have any family or support nearby.

If you work would you rather be a sahm and not put your children in nursery? Or have you done this and loved it/regretted it?

∆ for men as well and all people with DC.

@Puddywoodycat
The point is ...the selfish aspect.
I see so many posts which is all about the poster and never ever, what's actually best for the child.
The point is the amount of thought about the baby in the choices the parent's, made.

I voluntarily went back to work because it IS best for the child to have a fulfilled working mother, high quality childcare (which I researched and settled her into) during the work day, and long term financial security. Motherhood is not all about magic moments in the early years which I would argue is more for the mother, so who is being selfish here.

Or are SAHMs doing it through gritted teeth and sacrifice for the good of their children. Not a pleasant thought.

Either way, I am not sure your argument of selfish holds.

Women can chose to sahm already

Men not so much

3 years mat leave is ludicrous

I was a SAHM for several years and I adore my kids but I felt like I lost my identity and my mental health fell apart. I went back to work and am now part time 3-4 days a week (sometimes more sometimes less) and although it’s busy and stressful I feel more fulfilled and better able to engage with my kids because of it. It was really hard going back to work, you just can’t walk back into where you left off and often you have to change completely.

I made wonderful friends with other SAHMs but there was a common theme that everyone felt like they had lost part of themselves and yearned for more adult stimulation but no one wanted to say it as we all loved being with our kids. The other common theme was that all we really talked about was kids and I found myself craving conversation around politics and economics and society (my career world).

Anyway, my advice is go part time, you won’t regret it.

I also disagree with the idea it is always selfish to go back to the workplace, or always selfish to want to stay at home. A fulfilled mother either way is a good thing. However, what would you have done as a family, @blueshoes, if you had been unable to find the high quality childcare you wanted?

Blue shoes, I can see by your post your relating mine directly to your own circumstances when I have lots of different people and research in mind when I am commenting. ..

Now you have turned this debate into your personal choices I don't feel comfortable in replying.

Because you have made it about you and I don't know your circumstances and wouldn't wish to comment when someone is taking it to heart.

Or are SAHMs doing it through gritted teeth and sacrifice for the good of their children. Not a pleasant though

this totally happens

I disagree with maternity leave being longer. It is long enough - often 15 month end-to-end if the mother adds up her accrued leave and does not share parental leave with the father. That is plenty for an employer to have to accommodate.

Skills erode unless it is minimum wage. This would make women of fertile age an even less attractive employee for the discrimination they already face at work.

And? What's that got to do with what we're discussing?

It's not about when you train, it's about the impact of taking years out of work. It just doesn't work for some professions.

@Puddywoodycat

What did you think would happen when you said women who went back to work are selfish who don't think about their children?

@Walkaround ..

There is no extreme of ..it's always selfish to work , not at all.
My comment was about some poster's on here when perhaps someone wants opinions on going back to work and we get " oh yes! Mother hood wasn't for me full time, I'm much happier at work and earning my own money".

No mention of the child at all.
.

Definitely work the 3 days. You’ll still get 4 days a week to spend with them and you won’t lose your mind! I work 3 days a week and it’s perfect. Oldest two at school, youngest at nursery and he loves it. Then on the two days I have the youngest I have the energy to do baby classes etc with him and really enjoy my time with him. Work is a break from the mundane hamster wheel of being home with small children, then being home with the small children is also a welcome break from work!

Strange post. Don't reply if you don't want to. I am not asking for your opinion nor particularly care.

Top.

I thought people on here would have better comprehensive skills and debate looking at the whole picture not be triggered on such a thread.

If people don't feel secure in their choices I wouldn't expect them to enter into such a thread which might upset them .

There are many topics on mumsent which I avoid as they're too sensitive.

It’s fairly obvious what it has to do with @TheMoops . It’s possible to have children, stay at home with them for a few years, then retrain as a doctor or dentist and have a career. So it just can work for the professions you were talking about, if people remove their unconscious bias towards people who don’t pursue a traditional timeline.

because it IS best for the child to have a fulfilled working mother, high quality childcare (which I researched and settled her into) during the work day

You believe it was best for you, and your child/ren, at that time, in your circumstances. You are aware that this is not an absolute FACT by which all parenting must stand or fall surely?

So it's better for the mum to stay at home even though it makes her miserable?

Nobody benefits from having a parent at home if being at home is detrimental to their mental health.

@Puddywoodycat

No one is triggered or being sensitive.

Applying your comments to their own circumstances is obvious but does not indicate they are too sensitive.

They're just challenging your view.

Which you obviously can't counter as you're being very selective in what you're replying too

The moops.

I have already responded to the opp earlier in this thread that she should stay at home longer and do part time.
I think that's a good balance.

My later comment's were about a different tangent which is something I've noticed on here.

The " usual caveats" is a phrase which covers all the well. Usual caveats.
Like depression, shock, didn't know what they were taking on , single parents, widowed and so much more.

We would have looked harder. Researched more options. Maybe the nursery would be farther away. Perhaps we would use a nanny or childminder. As it is, I worked pt so reducing the need for childcare. My mother came over to help. We could have worked flexi hours so Dh and I could carve out the day between ourselves.

When there is a will, there is a way, if you want something to work.

Even if the nursery were high quality, if dd did not settle, then we would find other options. Important thing is to stay attuned to the child's needs and be flexible. Money obviously helps in this regard. We have done that throughout our dcs' lives and they are both very different children.

It’s fairly obvious what it has to do with @TheMoops . It’s possible to have children, stay at home with them for a few years, then retrain as a doctor or dentist and have a career. So it just can work for the professions you were talking about, if people remove their unconscious bias towards people who don’t pursue a traditional timeline.

Where have I said it's not possible to do all of that?? I'm a qualified careers adviser who has worked with women returners so I'm pretty knowledgeable about that. I'm now an academic who researches women's career development. I run a course at a university which attracts a significant amount of women who are retaining after having a family.

Retraining is very different to taking years out of a profession and hoping to return to a job you've not done for a significant time.
That's not unconscious bias, that's just knowledge of the labour market.

Top gub I'm not sure what challenge there is? I'm referring to something general I have noted on here and in RL.

I'm not taking specific posters to task.
I have seen more care given to pet care than I have to people handing their babies over to nurseries.
As a country we are known for this, the way we treat our elderly as well. ...

In other countries it's unthinkable.
In others it's quite common for certain classes to hand over all care to grandparents.

I think balance is the way forward and I don't want to sleep walk into a default, you have a baby and you put that baby into nursery.

People need to think about it and make conscious decisions. We need to create a more child friendly society that supports parents of young children.

So it just can work for the professions you were talking about, if people remove their unconscious bias towards people who don’t pursue a traditional timeline.

It is not an unconscious bias that TheMoops has to people who don't pursue a traditional timeline. Where did she ever say that. Nice try, strawman.

Significant times!!

What's a significant time?

2 years?

5 ??

No it isn't. Where have i said that?