Not sure whether to be a sahm or not

[Flowerpicker1]

Had 2 under 2. My maternity leave is now coming to an end following the birth of my 2nd dc. Neither dc are in nursery. DH is on a good wage.

Have been given the option not to return to work if I don't want to. Dh can cover us. It would be part not full time anyway.3 days.

Not sure what to do. On one hand I'd love to be there for all of my dcs childhood but on the other I worry if I would cope. We don't have any family or support nearby.

If you work would you rather be a sahm and not put your children in nursery? Or have you done this and loved it/regretted it?

Yes of course some people feel the urge to work. Who is disputing that?

spaceshiptrain - sorry in the hip and totally misread your post. I agree with you.

Yes we agree :) No worries.x

Yeah the thing is though that this works both ways.

Plenty of women "feel" the need to work, either because they literally need to pay the bills or because they need this for their mental health, their sense of identity and a myriad of other reasons.

I don't have the luxury of being able to prioritise my "feelings" on this matter because I am the only one who can pay the bills, the mortgage, all the rest of it.

It's nothing to do with any particular "agenda". I need to work to support my child and I don't appreciate people who don't need to work making me feel as if I am failing her by doing so.

If people come on here issuing vague and ominous warnings about the health of our children based on nothing more than "feelings" which they are able to indulge because someone else is supporting them, they don't blame some of us for asking for some more rigorous evidence.

You're post is confused. You know you would rather be with your child and need evidence that's best, of course it's best, but as you say you don't have the luxury and that's a shame.

I think the most important thing to do is let our children know that who they partner up with is as important as their career and planning their life and home set up is as important as planning their financial affairs and indeed can be part of financial planning.

If you want rigorous evidence of where your child would prefer you to be, simply ask them and they will tell you. After all it's only your child that matters, not any other child.

@spaceshiptrain

My kids would rather I worked.

But even if that wasn't the case, they don't get a say.

They're kids. They're not emotionally mature enough to make those kinds of decisions also, what I want matters too.

@mantramama

You're posting now as though you think each choice is equal. As though your first post wasn't very clear in your belief that women shouldn't work because it harms their babies.

Bit of a backtrack

It's not about asking them to make a decision, that would be wildly cruel to them. It's about their preference.

My child's preference is definitely that I'm with her as much as possible.

When you say they would rather you worked do you mean they would rather you spent more time not around them, or do you mean they would implicitly feel that if you did not work they would be financially insecure?

Thepeopleversuswork - I totally accept that most women have no choice but to work these days. However, where there is choice - ie a woman doesn't need to work but feels compelled to - I would never tell her that her feelings are a pretence. Or that it's societal not biological, or biological nor societal etc etc etc. what does it matter? You can harp on about that for ever more and you'll be none the wiser. I'm interested in what makes women and children happiest, within the options available to THEM. I'm interested in women being able to be honest about that, even if it means SAH.

I've not said if you work it harms your babies.

I do think babies and children want their mothers to be with them as much as possible because why wouldn't they?

Each choice is not intrinsically equal, it always depends on individual circumstances.

I think you need to understand nuance a bit more.

Or that it's societal not biological, or biological nor societal etc etc etc. what does it matter? You can harp on about that for ever more and you'll be none the wiser.

You know fine well that there was a value judgement implied in your previous framing of your motivations as ‘biological’.

@spaceshiptrain

I mean they see the value in work ethic and financial security.

My children don't want to spend all their time with me.

That's not healthy for anyone

I do not think women shouldn't work because it harms babies! I was saying I don't think long days in daycare are ideal for babies. When people (like you Topgub) ask why some would want to be a SAHM this is obviously a reason why. But, on the other hand, many women have no choice. Others see things differentl my and ego an U to tell them what to prioritise. My point was that the one size fits all mantra on here about what women should be doing for the good of society (ie working full time), is not without its impacts.

BretonBlue - What can so tell you? For me, the urge felt biological. Certainly it's the strongest urge I've felt in my life. That's not to say I'm not societally-influenced. We all are. But that's how I felt and that was my primary motivation. If others feel differently, that's up to them.

@mantramama

Your first post certainly implied it

Oh okay because you said they 'want you to work' and them seeing value in your work ethic and the money is not the same as them actively wanting you to go out to work.

So if you didn't go out to work and had the same money you imply they would sit you down and tell you they would like you to go out to work because there's some intrinsic value in your traveling to a workplace and them seeing you come through the door at the end of the day instead of already being there when they get home.

@spaceshiptrain

That makes no sense.

But yeah, ds in particular likes my job. He absolutely does want me 'to go out to work'

Your son likes your job?

Please explain, I'm genuinely interested by that.

What is it about you going out to work that they like specifically? Do you mean they like hearing all about it from you?

Yes

He likes the role, always has. Is fascinated by it and is swinging towards doing a similar role himself

Odd that you dont understand that

@spaceshiptrain you are asking young children what they want. Isn't that a loaded question? What child will say they want their mother, father, grandmother, nanny to leave them. This is emotional blackmail on so many levels.

Now fast forward to teenage years. My dcs have a friendship group. They are not particularly bothered about spending time with their parents. My son openly wants me to continue to work. He is now older and can see the monetary benefits of a working mother. He can tell from his friends' houses and what their parent(s) do how well off they are. It is unspoken. I doubt any of this friends think, oh, I wish my mother stays at home. If she is still SAHM-ing, they probably wonder what she does with her time. The empty nest years will be ugly.

Fine to stay at home. But bear in mind the discussion is framed in terms of early years. Longer term is when it negatives start to accelerate. This is a factor to consider in making an informed decision.

Ignore the ‘I would never dream of being a SAHM’ comments. That’s putting a negative spin on something that can be very rewarding and the perfect option for some families. Working doesn’t make someone more ‘superior’ to a SAHM. However you will find on mumsnet that there’s a lot of snootiness towards SAHMs.

that said, I’ve done both. With my eldest I regretted missing out on her younger years and basically leaving the nursery to raise her. They saw her first steps, heard her first words, saw her reach all her milestones before I did. When I married my husband we both agreed that we will have children if we reach a position to which I can stay at home with them. We worked our socks off to get into that position and now I’m a SAHM to two toddlers. It takes a lot of sacrifice but I’m willing to do that so I can be around for all of their milestones and raise them into school. If things went haywire and I had to work then I’d welcome that, just like I had to with my eldest.

getting them out socialising and participating in activities is important though until they start nursery.

we all do our best with our circumstances. If you want to stay home and can afford to then do it. If you want to work (even if you don’t have to) then do it. Not one option is better than the other.

I might be odd, but 'my son likes my job' sounded odd to me, I mean he's not doing it. And surely he can learn about this job without you specifically doing it.

"What child will say they want their mother, father, grandmother, nanny to leave them." - what do you mean by this?

Are you suggesting all children want their relatives to be around and available to them?

@spaceshiptrain

He doesn't need to.

Why would it be odd for a child to like the role their parent does?