Not sure whether to be a sahm or not

[Flowerpicker1]

Had 2 under 2. My maternity leave is now coming to an end following the birth of my 2nd dc. Neither dc are in nursery. DH is on a good wage.

Have been given the option not to return to work if I don't want to. Dh can cover us. It would be part not full time anyway.3 days.

Not sure what to do. On one hand I'd love to be there for all of my dcs childhood but on the other I worry if I would cope. We don't have any family or support nearby.

If you work would you rather be a sahm and not put your children in nursery? Or have you done this and loved it/regretted it?

@spaceshiptrain

do wonder about you not respecting your mum and what that means for your relationship and why you mention it at all?

Huh?

I've never said that.

I have a great relationship with my mum. I respect her, and my dad, a lot.

They both worked. My mum retrained as a mature student too.

Childcare and housework were shared equally.

You speak for yourself Topgub. That's all you can do. I am not 'pretending' anything. I felt a strong biological urge to be with my children. You have no right to tell me that is not real. If I had had to leave my children with someone else most of the time then yes, I would have been devastated and yes, I absolutely think it very likely it would have made me ill. That is me speaking as a woman. Sorry if that doesn't fit with your vision. You felt differently and that's absolutely fine. But you don't get to tell other women how they feel or how they should feel. No.

• I mean worked part time!!

It's a SAHM's work. Doesn't have to be but it can be. It's certainly my work and I'm a woman, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I think 3 days is a great balance! From the tone of your posts it sounds like you would benefit from having a bit more variety in your life than just being at-home with the kids all day but it's the fear of change holding you back which is very normal and understandable.

I'd like to return to work as I have nothing of my own and no personal time but I feel so overwhelmed by the disruption to my hard yet already formulated routine. Anyone relate?

You'll be surprised at how quickly you settle back in! I went back after being off for 15 months to quite a busy and overwhelming role (nursing in a very fast paced, short staffed surgical ward). Going in that first day I felt like I'd forgotten everything I'd ever learnt, completely de-skilled myself and I didn't have a clue but after the first hour or two it was like I'd never been gone and it felt fantastic.

But thats exactly what you're doing.

Presuming because you felt like that all women should

Its just not the case.

Sorry, I got you confused with @SurreyHillsMamaAndBabyOscar

Isn't this just teaching your kids that housework is women's work?

if it is the woman who is the SAHP, maybe. If it is the dad? teaches other things. My DCs grew up knowing that we divide things according to: needing to do a thing and everyone pitches in, a thing needing to be done and the first person on the scene fixes it, big tasks are shared or done by the person who least hates doing it, other things divided by least-hates/best-at. etc etc. Not by where their reproductive organs are located.

But this is one of the reasons there should be more Dads doing it. Because we should be teaching that if you slog your guts out at work, you have to come home and do half the housework etc.

."pretend that it's a biological urge that if denied will harm women and children."

Your words Topgub.

I'm not telling you or anyone else how to feel. My whole point has been that sometimes women are different and the 'happiest' society would naturally reflect that. I am however telling you that I did feel a strong biological urge, and even in my own sphere, I know many women who felt exactly the same. It's beyond ludicrous to try to dismiss that as women 'pretending.' Ffs! I've heard it all now.

I felt the same, I still am a SAHM nearly 20 years after having my first.
Its been the most rewarding and fulfilling time of my life and I wouldn't change it for the world.
It really is personal choice though.
I am lucky enough to be financially secure which is really important.

@mantramama

I missed the all. Although I would have thought it was obvious. Given that biological urges tend to be innate

No one is stopping you never leaving your children

If that's what makes you happy, crack on.

Others, probably a majority, are happy with a better balance

I adore my daughters now 19 & 13. I’ve been at every nativity play and sports day - as has their father. They’ve walked out of school to be picked up by either parent or both parents. I recorded the day my youngest took her first steps (as her Dad was away) and remember their special first day at school. We packed up my daughter and drove her off to uni.

I did this and worked FT/PT and now do 30 hours a week, I have a husband who shares the jobs and because he has put in as much effort has a wonderful bond with both his children. Yes, my girls went to nursery, breakfast clubs , after-school clubs and holiday clubs - some of those holiday clubs enriched by being something they enjoyed (especially the drama club)

We as parents probably have sacrificed a bit of our careers, maybe my husband could have earned more money if he didn’t do the school pick up - he wouldn’t have changed the choice he made to work more. The same for me - our children happy and well rounded. Financially I’m in an equal relationship knowing I’ve put just as much in - we can retire knowing we will be ok. If for some reason we did divorce I’d be ok as I have my independence.

BUT you do you - don’t let other people’s judgement. If you chose to take some time out of work that’s ok - own it - don’t read into the others that must mean you love your children more. We are all mothers that love are children - HOW we spend the time together is important not how much. I don’t judge others and expect the same in return.

‘Biological’ is a really loaded and unhelpful adjective in this conversation, rather like ‘natural’ when applied to physiological birth. Human behaviour is complex and it is often impossible
to distinguish between biological and societal influences. Most strong ‘urges’ are a mix of the two and both are very powerful. Fixating on ‘biological’ implies a superior, purer motivation.

Then how could either of you know that working is easier than being a sahm?

The thread is full of sahms saying how easy and stress free it is.

Bit of a contradiction there

Just because you fell a biological urge to do something, it doesn't mean you should do it. You still need to think things through and consider financial implications. A couple of years ago I was really broody for a third child, but a third child would have been too much for us. I'm glad I ignored the urge.

*feel

Again this depends. for one you say "working" well you just mean employment. I do work at home which is cleaning, cooking, and childcare including education, so all this is work that others would be paid for, and it's still work just like their work is, only not paid via PAYE, instead I'm paid in resources; home, clothes, food, security.

If you mean employment I have always found that very difficult for a number of reasons which are personal to me but certainly not exclusive to me. I would also find it hard as in difficult to use childcare instead of be there for my child myself in instances that are not school, and I did feel this way about school which is why I home educated for the first two years of school.

Going to work, traveling, being on someone else's schedule, spending all day out of the house unable to relax or have breaks, get a coffee, chat to friends when I wanted I would find difficult.

My husband enjoys work and the social aspect and he also seems to get a real kick out of being a provider (does that make him a regressive sexist person? Yes. Is that an issue for us? No)

But in the past employment was necessary to my mental health because without it I lacked structure and my mental health has had issues over the years, like many people.

So it all comes down to how we want to spend our time. I absolutely love spending time at home, on my own schedule, doing work I thoroughly enjoy and would literally do for nothing, with a day spanned out ahead of me knowing that at 3pm I get to see my child and hear all about her day in school. Knowing that if she were to not be able to deal with school I would be able to instantly change that for her and do home ed again.

That freedom and flexibility is what I value - and I'm pretty sure this is what most people value and if work gives that to others that's fantastic, it did to me! Now, it doesn't, it would hinder both those things which I hold to be most valuable to my personal enjoyment of life.

It doesn't matter whether something is mainly societal or mainly biological or some likely nebulous combo of the two. Ultimately, life is short and if a woman feels something, she feels it. Trying to silence those women as 'pretending' is disgusting. It smacks of women in days of old whose babies were removed from them being told they were 'hysterical'. They ended up ill. Sorry if some women's feelings are an inconvenience to a given agenda. Doesn't make them any less real though. Nor will it silence women.

ETS because it's further up the thread, I have paid work I also do which is the work I would do for nothing, as is my housework and childcare stuff which is basically jsut spending fun time with my child. I don't do anything I would rather not be doing, essentially, and to me this is true success. It's what I always wanted from life so I consider myself successful and basically retired from work at 42.

@mantramama

No one is silencing you.

@spaceshiptrain

I don't do anything I would rather not be doing,

Me either!

(Strictly not always true but I dont believe it will always be true for you either)

Thanks for agreeing with me.

Yes for me it's easy because it's what I want to be doing anyway. Doing it under duress I'm sure is as difficult as being employed under duress (i.e. you wouldn't be there unless you needed the money)

What would it matter how 'easy' or 'not easy' something is? Either you feel compelled to do something or you don't. It's as simple as that.

Exactly, and some feel this way about work.

I don't, and large part of that could well be that I dislike it so it's far easier for me to go 'not work? Yeah no twisting of the arm required!'

Whereas others hear 'not work? So be dependent on someone else for money?'

For me it just doesn't seem like a negative because I got married to no longer be independent. Instead of being dependent on an employer for money, I'm dependent on my family which I feel is far more permanent and secure, but this could be a less common situation since many women seem to find themselves with men they can't inherently trust long-term - I think this is a bigger issue.