For asking my Ukrainian guest to get a job so they can move out?

[Erith1985]

Wondering if anyone else is going through the same thing.

I’ve been hosting a Ukrainian guest at my house for six months. I’m appalled by the war and I have a big spare room with its own bathroom and so although I normally live alone by choice, I offered up my room. The first few months were ok, they are clean and tidy and were out and about a fair amount so we didn’t get in each other’s way. We didn’t discuss length of stay when they first arrived because I didn’t want them to feel unwelcome. I figured I would bring it up when they got a job.

That hasn’t happened. They say they have been sending off their CV and getting some interviews, but they haven’t secured anything. It seems they have only been looking at jobs in their previous sector, and that they have pretty high salary expectations since they’re complaining about the 45% tax rate. In the meantime, they’ve now settled into a routine that means they are at home nearly all the time - coming down to cook three times a day and only seeming to leave the house to go to the gym or the job centre, and spend most of the time in between instagramming. It feels like the heating and / or the oven is constantly on and they aren’t very communicative so when we’re in the shared space at the same time it feels awkward.

We finally had the conversation a month or so ago to say that I would like my hosting to end at the end of November, which they accepted on the basis that they were sure they would have secured one of the jobs they were going for by then, but there’s no sign of that being the case. When I ventured that they might need to look at work that wasn’t their first choice sector, they looked at me like I was mad and said that they’d rather start her own business (!) They’ve also mentioned several times how expensive flats in our area are and how they needs the big salary they want to be able to afford it.

I’m really just at a loss for how to handle this situation - I obviously won’t be turfing them out on the streets but how do I make them see that they might have to accept work that is not their ideal and work towards it? And / or rent a room that is outside of London to be able to afford it? They have great language skills, and there’s no reason they couldn’t find work other than they aren’t willing to consider something which isn’t their “dream job” and furthering their career; I totally get wanting that, but not at the expense of being able to support yourself. I’m worried that I am now just stuck hosting as long as they want me to, and the Council have been no help (basically got a letter saying “no other hosts available and we hope you’ll help them as long as they need you”.)

Am I being unreasonable for wanting them to work harder at getting a job (any job) so that I can have my house back?

My Ukrainian guest has also moved to another host now (I'm very glad). She was young(ish) able bodied, fit, even spoke ok English and refused absolutely point blank to get a job and was on UC. Shed been offered supermarket, factory and coffee shop work, she deemed it all beneath her.

A previous poster described Ukrainians as economic migrants disguised as refugees. I think sometimes the very opposite is true. I think 'my' Ukrainian actually saw herself as an economic migrant, or expat, as we might describe ourselves if living abroad, she definitely tried to portray herself in that way and not as a refugee. The reality though, was that she wasn't an economic migrant, she was a refugee, even if that truth was difficult or impossible for her to accept. I think maybe that was why she wouldn't take a job, she couldn't accept that she had to start at the bottom.

Absolutely not true @Moxysright Someone else posting without full information.

Only today, we have had a "Welfare Visit" from a representative of our County Council. We know exactly where to go for whatever support we might need, our County and District Councils have both bent over backwards to be supportive. No way do we feel exploited in our house.

The only thing I would say is that our Government doesn't have a Plan B for all those Ukrainians who have been hosted for six months and where the hosts cannot continue beyond that for whatever reason. They are now throwing money at hosts in attempts to encourage hosts to keep their guests, because it is cheaper than putting them all into hotels. However, most of us didn't go into this for money in the first place, and for those who did then it was never likely to work in the longer term. If a relationship is starting to break down then no amount of money is going to put that right.

I'm glad your council was helpful, mine was shit. Infact the very worst thing by far about this whole experience has been dealing with the council. First thing, my house inspection was conducted my a woman who was just plain rude and insulting, she made it very clear she didn't want 'my' family to come here. Second, the home visits and calls, the people hired to do this seemed to have only one qualification, the fact they were Ukrainian. I was told by them that the £350 per month they paid us was to pay for my guests food and for petrol money for me to drive them around. The council laid on some Ukrainian celebrations for things like national days, I was just told by the council to drive my guests to these things and pick them up afterwards, that was what they paid me money for apparently.

So not ‘absolutely not true’ then? Youve literally just gone on to say there’s no after plan or plan b as you call it. 😂 don’t get cobby with me because you can’t shift them.

Just to clarify, @Moxysright - I have no wish to “shift them”. This experience has enriched our lives and they will always be part of our family now.

@Kendodd sorry to learn that your experience with your Council has been so different.

Clearly some councils will be better than others.

Mine was relatively efficient and helpful. Much of the information they provided I found myself independently more quickly - but I am used to dealing both with local authorities and research, and someone else without that background would have found it harder.

My adult guest was also clever, professional and good at finding stuff out for herself. She even taught me how to use the local bus services on my phone!

I've given a firm end date to my Ukrainian guests of 1st March. They have about 6 weeks from now to find somewhere to live. They always knew moving out was gonna happen but I've had to be very blatant and forceful about it. I didn’t see any action from them in looking for a place to live. They have asked for a second host family from the council which I think is well cheeky since they can afford to rent. I've said come 1st March, I will be taking my keys back. I think they will find somewhere but needed a kick up their backsides and I've asked them to contact every rental agency in town for appointments and viewings THIS WEEK.

Sometimes you just have to be blunt so they know where they stand even if they don't like it.

@Xenia EXACTLY!!

I’m in the same boat. At first I sponsored 3, a mother, son and mother’s cousin. Mother and son left for another sponsor after six months but cousin is still here. She does nothing in the house, not even keeping her bedroom and bathroom clean. She has been with me for exactly a year. I have had to tell her today not to use a heater in her bedroom but put warmer clothes on. She has gone off in the huff. She has saved enough to have an operation in Ukraine and hopefully is going July. I am lucky as once she leaves she is not coming back. I keep asking what she will do in Ukraine once she has her op. She says maybe come back to Ukraine but I said new sponsors are very scarce now and she may have to find a job in Ukraine. At first her cousin used to cook but when she left I used to feed her. However, I feel I’m being used so have decided today she has to feed herself after reading this post. I feel I’m being used. Don’t get me wrong, we have got on ok but a year is a long time and I want my home back.

I’m in the same boat. At first I sponsored 3, a mother, son and mother’s cousin. Mother and son left for another sponsor after six months but cousin is still here. She does nothing in the house, not even keeping her bedroom and bathroom clean. She has been with me for exactly a year. I have had to tell her today not to use a heater in her bedroom but put warmer clothes on. She has gone off in the huff. She has saved enough to have an operation in Ukraine and hopefully is going July. I am lucky as once she leaves she is not coming back. I keep asking what she will do in Ukraine once she has her op. She says maybe come back to Ukraine but I said new sponsors are very scarce now and she may have to find a job in Ukraine. At first her cousin used to cook but when she left I used to feed her. However, I feel I’m being used so have decided today she has to feed herself after reading this post. I feel I’m being used. Don’t get me wrong, we have got on ok but a year is a long time and I want my home back.

All power is back on in Ukraine and their heating is still subsidized.

We really have been lucky. Our family are still with us - just over a year now. They help in the house, work / go to school, are happy at 18.5 degrees, take dog for a walk if we can't, cook and shop for themselves and often for whoever else is about (DS loves Ukrainian food) and seem to have gradually taken over the gardening.

The bills are higher though they've offered to contribute but so far we've not needed it but I think we will soon. Sometimes though I just want my house back but overall I come to enjoy having them around and actually I think the house is cleaner with them in it than not and anyway they make great cakes!!

I know lots of situations where it's gone wrong though - inviting random strangers into your home is not always going to go well. I know we've been incredibly lucky.

The first couple of months as they settled were tough - l think the thing is that all those bits we do gradually as we move through life all had to be done at once - benefits, bank accounts, identity documents, NI number, GP registration, school applications etc. and all of that was thrown back onto hosts to do at the same time as trying to settle displaced and sometimes traumatised guests who didn't speak English and had left their husbands, sons, brothers behind.

In so many cases the admin itself pushed people over the edge. I had to fight really hard to get the 14 year old a school place. If the government run a scheme like this again they'd certainly need to give more administrative support to hosts as it was a huge burden.

This is very similar to my situation. I took in a Ukrainian refugee around 4 months ago and so far it’s been “ok” but different to what I was expecting and quite frustrating at times. My guest is yet to find a job because she is very picky about what kind of work she will do. Before she moved here she mentioned that she’d previously done a variety of different jobs (coffee shops, general retail shops etc) and implied she’d be happy doing this kind of work in the UK. She basically said that the most important thing was “finding a job”. Yet now that she’s here she is being very picky and only wants to take on an office job (to be fair, she does also have experience in this). I briefly mentioned to her that it might be good to find some kind of part-time waitressing / coffee shop job but she just said that it isn’t worth her losing her free time. (Bearing in mind that she spends all her time at home playing on video games and only leaves the house to go to English classes or to the shop). I might understand her apprehension about getting a job if her English was poor, but it isn’t.

Another issue is that since she’s moved in with me she’s never really taken an interest in getting to know me. I genuinely don’t think she’s asked me a single question about my work, hobbies, family or friends etc… (she rarely even responds to my “how are you?” with a “how are you?” back). I do my best to chat with her and make her feel comfortable, but it’s got to the point where I’m tired of making an effort without it being reciprocated. At first I thought maybe she was just shy and stressed from the move, but now after 4 months I’ve come to the conclusion that she’s not really interested in having a friendly relationship with me. I’ve decided that I can’t be bothered making small talk with her anymore so sometimes when we’re in the kitchen we just stand there in an awkward silence… In all honesty I feel quite used and as though she sees me as a commodity rather than as a human being with my own life. I’m going to have to invite her to my family Christmas too, which I really resent due to her lack of effort with me.

On the plus side, she’s clean and tidy and doesn’t expect the heating to be on full throttle 24 hours a day, which I’m grateful for. She’s also pretty independent and can use public transport fine on her own. But, all in all, I do feel pretty teed off with the whole situation.
Has anyone else had any similar experiences? Or can anyone offer me advice? I’m not sure whether to continue hosting her after 6 months or not…

I don’t think that’s unusual. I’ve heard from other hosts that they think we are being paid by the government so it’s just a transaction. The other thing is that it seems common for Ukrainians to be rather more secretive than we are and when someone is living with you and not able to or interested in interacting in a relaxed way it’s unpleasant. If the point comes where you feel unhappy in your own home you are free to end the hosting. The council will rehome them somewhere.

I had similar!
'My' Ukrainian guest refused absolutely point blank to get a job. She wanted a 'posh' job and wouldn't even consider anything she deemed beneath her like shop or restaurant work. She said those jobs were to low for Ukrainian people so none of them should do them. She described the people in Ukraine who do those jobs as 'country people ' and that they would never leave Ukraine. Problem is, her English isn't very good, and she only worked as a hotel receptionist in Ukraine.

thanks for replying :). Are you still hosting and has 'your' Ukraininan found a job yet?

No job, and she's moved on to another host. She arrived with us June 2022.

In some cases (not all) people and tax payers are being tax advantage of. I hope it all works out.

Exactly this! It makes me wonder how much the job centre actually cares about Ukrainians finding work, or whether my guest could just continue living on UC forever.

They use Telegram to communicate with each other and they know to say their English is poor and they don’t get sanctioned.

"My" Ukrainian guest was lovely and hard working. She got a job in a hotel basically as soon as she arrived but kept looking for a better job and got one in an office a few months later. She and her children managed to get their own flat after staying with us for about a year. Yes she spoke English when she arrived but her friend who she came over with didn't, and she got a job as a cleaner even though she'd left a much better job in Ukraine.

There seems to be a wide variety of behaviours among guests but they're definitely not all work shy and wanting to live off handouts. I admire my guest more than almost anyone else I know tbh and we still spend time with each ither regularly. I'm even stopping by to see them on Christmas day - because they're like family. I know I've been incredibly lucky but I just wanted to say, don't accept poor behaviours thinking that's just the way it is - it definitely doesn't have to be.

(Just to clarify, I have no issue with people being on benefits. I myself have been on JSA before.)

Yes, I know one Ukrainian (I got to know a lot though being linked in with the community) she was really high powered in Ukraine, had even been on TV a few times in Ukraine due to her expertise, she got a job in a chicken factory as soon as she arrived. She is hugely self motivated. She realised her life before means nothing here. She spends six hours a day learning English on YouTube. She is an extraordinary woman and a huge asset to the country. But, most people aren't like her (I mean all people, not just Ukrainians). It's unrealistic to expect everyone to be like that. I know I wouldn't be. More likely I would be like 'my' Ukrainian and just sit on my ass talking high talk and doing nothing.