For asking my Ukrainian guest to get a job so they can move out?

[Erith1985]

Wondering if anyone else is going through the same thing.

I’ve been hosting a Ukrainian guest at my house for six months. I’m appalled by the war and I have a big spare room with its own bathroom and so although I normally live alone by choice, I offered up my room. The first few months were ok, they are clean and tidy and were out and about a fair amount so we didn’t get in each other’s way. We didn’t discuss length of stay when they first arrived because I didn’t want them to feel unwelcome. I figured I would bring it up when they got a job.

That hasn’t happened. They say they have been sending off their CV and getting some interviews, but they haven’t secured anything. It seems they have only been looking at jobs in their previous sector, and that they have pretty high salary expectations since they’re complaining about the 45% tax rate. In the meantime, they’ve now settled into a routine that means they are at home nearly all the time - coming down to cook three times a day and only seeming to leave the house to go to the gym or the job centre, and spend most of the time in between instagramming. It feels like the heating and / or the oven is constantly on and they aren’t very communicative so when we’re in the shared space at the same time it feels awkward.

We finally had the conversation a month or so ago to say that I would like my hosting to end at the end of November, which they accepted on the basis that they were sure they would have secured one of the jobs they were going for by then, but there’s no sign of that being the case. When I ventured that they might need to look at work that wasn’t their first choice sector, they looked at me like I was mad and said that they’d rather start her own business (!) They’ve also mentioned several times how expensive flats in our area are and how they needs the big salary they want to be able to afford it.

I’m really just at a loss for how to handle this situation - I obviously won’t be turfing them out on the streets but how do I make them see that they might have to accept work that is not their ideal and work towards it? And / or rent a room that is outside of London to be able to afford it? They have great language skills, and there’s no reason they couldn’t find work other than they aren’t willing to consider something which isn’t their “dream job” and furthering their career; I totally get wanting that, but not at the expense of being able to support yourself. I’m worried that I am now just stuck hosting as long as they want me to, and the Council have been no help (basically got a letter saying “no other hosts available and we hope you’ll help them as long as they need you”.)

Am I being unreasonable for wanting them to work harder at getting a job (any job) so that I can have my house back?

@CoastalWave
I fail to see why anyone would host?

Because they're truly kind, caring souls willing to put their money where their mouth is?

I bet there are many Ukrainian refugees in the UK who are genuinely appreciative of the generosity of their hosts in opening up their home and sacrificing their privacy for them.

The £350 monthly payment from the government is obviously a help in hosting, but in all honesty who believes a satisfactory first world standard of living can be achieved by anyone for that sum alone.

People like the OP in my opinion have extraordinarily generous natures. I'm just so sorry for her that in this case that generosity is being massively taken advantage of.

You have been kind OP, and she's had 6 months to find a job. I understand there are vacancies in retail, hospitality etc.

Boo fucking hoo. I'm currently volunteering as an interpreter with Ukrainian refugees in Germany. On a country wide basis, we've now taken in over a million people and local authorities are starting to get really antsy in case of further arrivals. Worst case scenario we're looking at commandeering sports halls and putting up more container housing. There's been an unprecedented role played by private hosts, partly through Ukrainians who were already living here before the war and partly simply private volunteers (the latter being paid rent by local councils who are in turn being compensated by regional/central government.) Even so, the burden on all kinds of institutions is enormous.

Your problem isn't fictitious overpopulation - the UK is at 272 people/km2 compared to our 232 according to Wikipedia (yes we too have regional disparities...!) and far far far below the Benelux countries, all of which have also taken on significantly more refugees than the UK compared to country size. Rather, the difference quite obviously is government capacity at different levels, as well as a hollowed out welfare state. I have enormous sympathy for everyone faced with what seems to be an impossible situation. But it's very sad to see this knee-jerk type of "boat is full" xenophobia rather than righteous wrath towards those responsible for letting things get where they are now.

Hilarious again! You should be a stand up comedian @pixie5121!

A little insult here against my intelligence against your superior presumably dual national Spanish/English intelligence!

You did say you were leaving the thread but obviously couldn't resist returning...

feel free to keep shitting on refugees for being lazy.

Literally nobody has done that. If only you could read.

You have so much rage on behalf of Ukrainian refugees, apparently directed largely at those hosting. (Which you haven't so can't possibly fully understand?)

Not the same as hosting I'm afraid.

spouting about what they'd do the refugee's position, in a situation they're not in.

You are also spouting about a situation you're not in?

You sound so condescending. I am an immigrant myself and very greatful for all the amazing opportunities I got in this country. most people have been lovely here and there's nothing wrong in expecting refugees arriving to be greatful of the generosity of people if they are genuinely fleeing a war torn country.
On top of everything, it's a free country and everyone is entitled to their own opinion! Have a good day😊

Just because it makes sense to you, doesn’t make it common sense 🙄

Where did anyone say they were all driving 4 x 4s?

Generalisation in either direction is a problem.

There Ukrainians are thriving here, are hardworking and are forming life long friendships and are an asset to the UK.

There are Ukrainians who are being lazy.

Just like there are hardworking Brits and lazy Brits.

This with bells on.

Volunteering your time every week is not living with it 24/7.

Its not going home and feeling like you can't do x, y or z or feeling guilty if you do.

Its not constantly being at the beck and call of someone in your down time.

If you volunteer you can walk away and take a break from it. You can do it on your own terms. You aren't at the mercy of another party.

There has to be give and take in any hosting arrangement. The problems come when there is an imbalance in that.

After six months of living together you should know each other reasonably well even with a language barrier. If you are feeling unable to say 'this isnt ok' in your own home something is definitely 'off'.

Its an extremely stressful situation and hosts do often feel an enormous responsibility in this to make sure their guest makes a success of things. That's running into massive problems because of poor communication from government and misinformation on social media directed at Ukrainians.

Many hosts I know knew from the outset that six months was short, and were prepared to go to a year on the understanding that their guest was progressing and making an effort to support themselves even if they hadn't achieved that. In practice, they've felt taken advantage of, so havent been prepared to go that extra mile (once again) because they are so completely burnt out by constantly going above and beyond and their guest doing a sum total of fuck all, including merely pulling their weight around the house whilst they aren't working. That's not doing all the chores either, it's just doing a fair share.

And I think that burn out really needs to be mentioned in the context of someone saying they know what it's like to host because they volunteer on weeks. Cos it's an utterly laughable comment.

It's not about wanting gratitude in many cases either. It's about wanting guests to make a go of it and being independent. One of my friends described her guests as 'the big kids' and that, like her kids, she merely wanted to see them fly the nest and live independently and that was the goal. Not a desire for 'gratitude' which some non hosts like to frame it.

Hosting can be all encompassing and can take over your entire life if your guest isn't taking the level of responsibility they need to as adults. It's the regressing and abduction of responsibility that's the issue.

Some are lazy and awful and some are hard working and lovely. They are just people so are bound to be a mixture. I would not host anyone and the UK is very crowded but I do think those who have need to be very clear so both host and guests know where they stand eg about the exact date they will be required to leave etc.

the council has to suck it up.

So many naive posts about 'the Council'...the Council can't magic houses out of nowhere..further cuts are expected any time and that's with crippling underfunding that's been going on for over a decade. Social housing barely exists anymore and waiting lists are extensive.

Additionally it's almost impossible to get a private rental at the minute, most landlords demand credit checks snd guarantors and theres dozens of people applying for each flat/house in many cases - people with secure long term employment and UK citizenship who are likely seen as a safer bet for landlords in terms of getting future rent paid, so private rentals aren't a solution either.

Emergency accommodation is a legal requirement though.

I couldn't have written this better.
I think this is where I'm at. Six months in, I am completely burnt out.
Whilst my guest is clean and tidy, she has not gone out since October unless it's for work, which has become less and less. She will wake up around 8.30-9am. I'm already at the dining table working off the laptop. I'll be on calls and she'll be swanning about in a thigh high dressing gown. She might take a shower at 10.30am, then make very loud internet calls. Then she'll have a morning nap before wandering down to make lunch. Then she'll have an afternoon nap. She might 'socialise' with me between 7 and 9pm before going to sleep.....until 9am the next day.
She has literally dominated the home routine and will not go out if the weather is less than sunny. I have an elderly mum needing more and more care and this has taken up a lot of unexpected time this year. On my one day off, I was woken up at 7am with her asking me for a lift into work (her ONE day of work that week) because it was raining. I was so tired, I had to ignore it. I had nothing in me to give that morning.
When I am a productive, hard working host who has survived domestic violence and made a huge success of my life, my valid reason for hosting was to offer another woman safety. I now realise I should have been clear that I expect a guest to leave the house for work or study between 10am and 4pm. In May, that seemed harsh but I wish I'd stated this expectation because it's true, some trauma survivors will get on and plough through to make a better life for themselves but others will sit in their dressing gown for as long as they're allowed.
Show me an applied grafter, I'll always say yes, come in. Show me a manicured madam with no plan or grit, I'll ask them to sit down so the determined woman behind them can step forward.

That post is awful.

Yes it's rather awful to live with someone who's incapable of reading the room.

I agree. A housing emergency has been allowed to develop in the UK and the government should have acted years ago to solve it. The private sector has completely and utterly failed to provide safe affordable housing for the population and it's long past the time government should have called time on thinking they would despite all the evidence to the contrary. We need a massive prefabricated home building programme just like we did post war and the government needs to step up and do this because the private sector isn't, hasn't and won't. And I say all this as a private landlord myself.

What are you going to do Heatherland ? That dreadful situation can’t continue.