For asking my Ukrainian guest to get a job so they can move out?

[Erith1985]

Wondering if anyone else is going through the same thing.

I’ve been hosting a Ukrainian guest at my house for six months. I’m appalled by the war and I have a big spare room with its own bathroom and so although I normally live alone by choice, I offered up my room. The first few months were ok, they are clean and tidy and were out and about a fair amount so we didn’t get in each other’s way. We didn’t discuss length of stay when they first arrived because I didn’t want them to feel unwelcome. I figured I would bring it up when they got a job.

That hasn’t happened. They say they have been sending off their CV and getting some interviews, but they haven’t secured anything. It seems they have only been looking at jobs in their previous sector, and that they have pretty high salary expectations since they’re complaining about the 45% tax rate. In the meantime, they’ve now settled into a routine that means they are at home nearly all the time - coming down to cook three times a day and only seeming to leave the house to go to the gym or the job centre, and spend most of the time in between instagramming. It feels like the heating and / or the oven is constantly on and they aren’t very communicative so when we’re in the shared space at the same time it feels awkward.

We finally had the conversation a month or so ago to say that I would like my hosting to end at the end of November, which they accepted on the basis that they were sure they would have secured one of the jobs they were going for by then, but there’s no sign of that being the case. When I ventured that they might need to look at work that wasn’t their first choice sector, they looked at me like I was mad and said that they’d rather start her own business (!) They’ve also mentioned several times how expensive flats in our area are and how they needs the big salary they want to be able to afford it.

I’m really just at a loss for how to handle this situation - I obviously won’t be turfing them out on the streets but how do I make them see that they might have to accept work that is not their ideal and work towards it? And / or rent a room that is outside of London to be able to afford it? They have great language skills, and there’s no reason they couldn’t find work other than they aren’t willing to consider something which isn’t their “dream job” and furthering their career; I totally get wanting that, but not at the expense of being able to support yourself. I’m worried that I am now just stuck hosting as long as they want me to, and the Council have been no help (basically got a letter saying “no other hosts available and we hope you’ll help them as long as they need you”.)

Am I being unreasonable for wanting them to work harder at getting a job (any job) so that I can have my house back?

I think you've got that wrong...

I know plenty of English people who are honest and direct... Certain stratas of society, e.g. Sloane Rangers - they can be very two faced and bitchy and not speak to your face - as you can see in e.g. Made in Chelsea.

I personally haven't experienced Poles being direct and I've worked with and known a few of them!

Ukrainians I don't know because I don't know many of them!

Please see my last post.

You didn't read my post!

I was talking tongue in cheek!

And yes, that's always the retort from foreigners to British people if we dare to complain the foreigners don't like it and complain here - "oh you're xenophobic/racist!".

I know quite a few who have already gone elsewhere.
So they're not FORCED then, they do have choice.

You obviously have a lot of empathy for them @pixie5121 just like any normal person should, but everyone, everyone has to deal with realities and just bloody get on with it.

Exactly what I was thinking @Tukmgru !

Agreed! She's said this before on different threads about how much she hates the English people and way of life.

Re her username I had assumed she's Spanish born - but turns out probably Spanish parents - with a British passport.

My stepdad for years though lives and works in England and he's Irish and used to bang on about hating the Brits. Quite happy to receive a pension from a civil service authority though and not that unhappy to want to return home to the motherland...

Then why do you speak about British culture like you are some superior outsider looking in? Very strange…

Staying in in a different part of the Ukraine was very much an option, one that many have chosen. There are no guaranties in life, you make choices and you have to live by them. What would be insane would be to not adjust your expectations according to your situation.

You're hilarious!

I'm not bothered at all that not everyone fawns over every aspect of British life and culture! It is my business when my stepfather starts fights with "bloody English" whilst living and working here...

I knew I'd seen you on previous threads... lovely character you are!

Oh no, please share your observations on Spanish culture and other places you've lived - we are all ears!

Oh and a lovely flounce from the thread too! classic!

Yep. she's a strange one. Have seen her on other threads get equally irate.

@GonnaGetGoingReturns - I am glad it’s not just me then.

It’s funny though, as a British person there is lots about our culture I am embarrassed about but the politeness is one part I do like!

As other people have said - a major issue is one of misunderstandings and different cultures. I think Ukrainians were assuming they were coming for a wealthy Western European country where they would get a professional job and a nice life and/or return home once this was all over. The British hosts I guess thought they were doing something nice - though no idea how they thought it would end.

In practice, the war in ongoing, the UK has actually become quite a poor and rather badly governed country. The Ukrainian policy was made on the back of an envelope sort of way - and no one really considered the ins and out of it. So no one has a solution. The refugees are still in a post conflict situation and probably rather surprised that the UK is not the dream land they had assumed it would be. The hosts are sort of fed up because for them six months is a long time and the government has washed their hands of them now that the war doesnt score the as many brownie points with the public.

Yes, the Ukranian culture is a lot more direct - none of this please and thank you. The British is a lot more reserved and things should be understood rather than spoken. It is a clash

I'm sorry, but you clearly have not idea yourself

You seem determined to paint generousity as thoughtless, ignorant and selfish people who lack empathy. Those ivory towers of the moral high ground doesn't reflect reality.

Painting hosts who have had enough as monsters couldn't be further from the truth for many. They've got out of their way and gone above any beyond relentlessly to help, to be supportive etc etc and some very much feel they've been kicked in the teeth for their efforts. Especially when they were willing and able to give advice and help someone find work or accomodation.

I doubt that anyone would do enough by your standards and you clearly see yourself as some kind of saint.

You have NO IDEA what other people have been put through by hosts.

Expecting hosts to babysit, do all the housework, clean all their clothes, do all their admin and in six months not step up AT ALL? Cos thats what I know some hosts have ended up doing. That 'oh but its too expensive' comment from a guest, when you have helped enable them to save up thousands (and you know they have that money) doesn't sit well.

I also have SPOKEN to Ukrainians who are absoluetely livid and embarassed by the attitude of some of their countrymen. One refused to associate in any way, with one particular group who were telling her she was stupid for getting a job and she should just live on benefits. She's now moved into her own place with her husband. After 2 months. She rocked. My friend who hosted her managed to find someone else to host her daughter and granddaughter too, and they are also getting on really well.

And its worth saying many of the Ukrainians in our area, haven't come from front line areas at all, and haven't seen anything remotely traumatic. The nature of the application process, actually made it hard for people in the wartorn areas to get to the UK because of the crappy paperwork situation. So there are a great number from Western Ukraine. Thats put tension on those few from Eastern and Southern Ukraine who don't understand why they'd left. A number of these western ukrainers are renting out their homes whilst getting free accomodation here, and deliberately kept this quiet which has lead to upset when its been found out. Then there is the family locally who are driving around in their new top of the range 4 x 4 worth about 80k and had a son in boarding school outside Ukraine, but thats a whole other story.

There are others I know who have come from Irpin and lost everything. Others from Sumy and Kharkiv.

There is a really wide range of experiences for both hosts and guests. Some will really need extra help but others really are taking advantage.

Shitting on hosts who have had a rough ride or just are totally burnt out and its affecting their well being is also not remotely empathetic.

Empathy is not a one way traffic. It isn't something that only goes to Ukrainians.

@RedToothBrush thank you. I think @pixie5121 has flounced off though.

What are you talking about? I’m cleaning toilets while I qualify for something else. When I’m finished qualifying, if I can’t find work in my chosen field - I’ll clean toilets again. Will I be excited about it? Not really. Will I refuse to do it and wait for someone else to pay for me? Of course not, that’s insane.

I love that menial jobs are ok for us less-thans though. We’re just the elevator shutters, we don’t know any better. But of course if you’ve earned six figures previously you couldn’t possibly be expected to lower yourself to menial work.

Good post!

I'm the child of immigrants and will forever, forever be grateful my parents didn't end up anywhere else but the UK, no matter what less than perfect conditions they had to endure. She's clearly got no idea of the hundreds of years long history of this country being a safe haven for people from other countries, and the efforts made on both sides to rub along, find acceptance and fit in with each change. My parents came here and thought the free health care, education, welfare state etc was an embarrassment of riches, even if they didn't get the careers they had hoped for. They just got on with it and became part of the workforce (blue collar), tax payers, eventually after many years home owners, councillors and volunteers. I can't quite grasp the hatred of either the hosts or the wider British society. I do sense a great deal of superiority and bitterness (failure?) though.

@RedToothBrush Yes I agree great post (and you've just described what sounds like my friend's mega rich guest family. I wonder we are in the same town?!)

So true . That’s the least of it , other refugees take years to be granted approval to work and have no access to benefits . Its not that I’m against helping Ukrainians , it’s just the hypocrisy of it all it’s nauseating

You seem surprised?