For asking my Ukrainian guest to get a job so they can move out?

[Erith1985]

Wondering if anyone else is going through the same thing.

I’ve been hosting a Ukrainian guest at my house for six months. I’m appalled by the war and I have a big spare room with its own bathroom and so although I normally live alone by choice, I offered up my room. The first few months were ok, they are clean and tidy and were out and about a fair amount so we didn’t get in each other’s way. We didn’t discuss length of stay when they first arrived because I didn’t want them to feel unwelcome. I figured I would bring it up when they got a job.

That hasn’t happened. They say they have been sending off their CV and getting some interviews, but they haven’t secured anything. It seems they have only been looking at jobs in their previous sector, and that they have pretty high salary expectations since they’re complaining about the 45% tax rate. In the meantime, they’ve now settled into a routine that means they are at home nearly all the time - coming down to cook three times a day and only seeming to leave the house to go to the gym or the job centre, and spend most of the time in between instagramming. It feels like the heating and / or the oven is constantly on and they aren’t very communicative so when we’re in the shared space at the same time it feels awkward.

We finally had the conversation a month or so ago to say that I would like my hosting to end at the end of November, which they accepted on the basis that they were sure they would have secured one of the jobs they were going for by then, but there’s no sign of that being the case. When I ventured that they might need to look at work that wasn’t their first choice sector, they looked at me like I was mad and said that they’d rather start her own business (!) They’ve also mentioned several times how expensive flats in our area are and how they needs the big salary they want to be able to afford it.

I’m really just at a loss for how to handle this situation - I obviously won’t be turfing them out on the streets but how do I make them see that they might have to accept work that is not their ideal and work towards it? And / or rent a room that is outside of London to be able to afford it? They have great language skills, and there’s no reason they couldn’t find work other than they aren’t willing to consider something which isn’t their “dream job” and furthering their career; I totally get wanting that, but not at the expense of being able to support yourself. I’m worried that I am now just stuck hosting as long as they want me to, and the Council have been no help (basically got a letter saying “no other hosts available and we hope you’ll help them as long as they need you”.)

Am I being unreasonable for wanting them to work harder at getting a job (any job) so that I can have my house back?

You need to be consistent. By your own definition someone cannot be empathetic if they don’t have experience of the situation to understand the emotions involved yet apparently you are because you’ve spoken to refugees? You think the hosts are not talking to their guests? No one has said Ukrainians are lazy, people have just spoken about cultural differences and expectations causing issues. And volunteering with refugees doesn’t make you some expert or guru, you have zero experience of hosting someone in your home therefore you have no moral superiority here. I often volunteer to hand out food to the homeless, I don’t pretend I am an expert on homelessness or addiction or know what it’s like to work with homeless people daily. Must be my lack of empathy eh.

I am also not sure why you can’t comprehend that people could not predict how living with a stranger would go, or that the cost of living would increase so dramatically. Hosts were not psychic.

You are looking for malicious intentions where none exist with a big heap of moral superiority on top. I assume you live in the UK, is there anything you like about it? Or is it all just shit with shit people who are just awful.

Some pp (including me) have already explained upthread about difference in expectations and the need for more dialogue.
The British way is not obvious to Ukrainians, so why should the Ukrainian way be obvious to the British? Why don't you volunteer to do something about that? You'd rather bitch about the UK, how un-empathic and two-faced the British are apparently. If you cared to educate yourself just a little, it shouldn't be difficult to realise that UK people are amongst the most tolerant and welcoming in the world.

I wonder what is happening in other countries that have taken Ukrainian refugees.

@strawberriesarenot - I wondered that, I tried to have a Google but I couldn’t find the information easily. I think other countries had schemes like the UK and some went for more communal accommodation like hotels but I couldn’t find definitive info without researching each country.

People aren't treating these guests like actual human beings, but as charity cases who need to show the right level 'of 'grateful' to be deemed worthy of support.

Who isn't treating these guests like human beings? How do you know?

As I've now said at least FOUR times, the issue here is the mismatch between the expectations of hosts and guests. The hosts see themselves as saviours who provided charity in a time of need*

I've just completed a period of hosting. How do you know how I see myself ?

Many Ukrainian families would have been over the moon to receive hundreds of pounds a month to host a foreigner, as it would really have helped with the bills and whatnot.

How do you know this is how Ukrainian families would feel? How do you know it would have been any different if the tables were turned?

Do you understand that most UK hosts received a net income of approximately zero from hosting ? Taking into account the costs vs thank you payment. Nobody is gaining hundreds of a pounds a month.

You're calling me patronising while knowing nothing about my background or skin colour...hilarious lack of self awareness.

🤦‍♀️

They aren’t now

Guys there is an awful lot of needless argument here. Please let’s be respectful to each other.

@pixie5121I think you are right about early communication potentially preventing this issue. I’d definitely recommend that to anyone volunteering to host at this stage - set out your time boundaries as part of the offer, as raising it on arrival or after a few months I harder and feels less welcoming. The issue now is obviously how to handle the situation now that those boundaries have been communicated clearly.

Go on then @pixie5121 what is your background and skin colour? Do share.

OP's guest doesn't sound remotely lazy. She cleans up after herself, she's been applying for good jobs, is ambitious, and is aiming to get something well paid so she can afford a market rate flat. Isn't this what we want? Educated, intelligent people who are going to contribute lots of tax? You'd rather have the woman working in a shitty menial job, topping up her pay with taxpayer funded benefits just because that's what your parents had to do? Why is everything in this country a race to the fucking bottom?

Nobody said she is lazy. She needs to get real. It's not a race to the bottom. Unless you perceive people that do blue collar, hospitality, waiting jobs etc as "the bottom". It's about starting somewhere where there is an employer that can take you immediately, a chance to earn money, build up an employment record, immerse yourself in the language and start climbing the ladder to where you want to be. Rather than sitting and waiting for a unicorn job to pop up, which may never happen if your qualifications can't be recognised or your language skills are not up to scratch. You start from the best place you can in the available employment market who need the skills you can offer now, like everyone who doesn't have a pot of spare cash hanging around has to, whether British, immigrant or refugee.

What British people think is 'polite' is often downright confusing, baffling and disorientating for people from more direct cultures. It really is much kinder to say "right, you've got six months here to sort yourself out, then you need to fuck off" than to act like you're someone's new family, only to expect the guest to magically know they're considered a temporary burden.

Much kinder in some cultures perhaps, rude in British culture. One is not superior to the other however given the hosts are in the UK, understandable they are using British norms and mores. You are very much coming from the place of British culture is worse than everywhere else, it’s not, it’s just different. I am really not sure how you live day to day given it seems everything is very frustrating for you.

No she hasn’t.
They know her situation perfectly well, thank you. The council in their area has been good and their contact there is very helpful. She’s only been here a few weeks and is expected to be in work very soon. It has been specific to her situation. My parents would be happy for her to just unwind for a little longer but she’s clearly a doer.

The point is, Ukrainians are as varied in their work ethic as Brits are.

Oh bottoms. That was supposed to be quoting someone in reply and it didn’t work and now I can’t find the post.

@pixie5121
I can't think of a culture where it's acceptable to move in with a perfect stranger and expect to live rent free forever. I believe this is down to poor planning and communication by the government rather than 'cultural differences'.

It's awful for them. They've come to the UK at a less than ideal time, granted it's preferable to war, but setting up a good life here at the moment is difficult. Wages are crap, food expensive, housing extortionate. Every service is backed-up and bursting at the seems. It will likely take them years to really settle down. OP can't look after them for ever and I'm certain her guests know this. Difficult situation for all.

lol

Jeez please calm your boats @pixie5121 !

We are not all two faced and bitch behind each other's backs.

And if you're Spanish which I am guessing you are then I've definitely had Spanish women/people be two faced and bitch behind my back too - only they do it in a different way... very sly some of the women are!

@pixie5121 - You are making an awful lot of assumptions about hosts with a lot of hindsight they didn’t have the luxury of. I am really not sure I could live in a country where I dislike the culture as much as you do. I’d find that a rather strange thing to do.

6 months is a long time.

I confront people but then I also don't confront people either... It's called balance.

I really can't believe the level of anti-British/English hate here towards us from foreigners (this is the second thread in 2-3 days!) and I'm tempted to say (but of course this sounds racist!) if you're not happy with the English people/way of life why on earth are you living and working here?!

Who wouldn't be hospitable and understanding to refugees/visitors from a foreign country? You'd have to be heartless not to be, but you do have to be realistic too.

Oh, and I'm not 100% English either before anyone puts the boot in .