To absolutely HATE Christmas? With good reason

[stitchinguru]

I’m already feeling a huge sense of impending doom.
As I’ve shared on here before, my eldest son (aged 24) died in the early hours of Christmas morning 2019.
Right now, I’d like to hibernate and emerge again sometime in January. Everything from here on in is a huge trigger, and yet I have 2 other children (25 and 17) who deserve some sort of festive season.
AIBU to approach the coming month of two in Grinch mode?

Fair enough! We've lost a few elderly relatives right before Christmas and spent the next couple of years doing what we wanted instead of what's traditional (and spending the day fairly sozzled). I think it's healthy not to put any extra pressure on at a time when you're likely to be grieving even more than usual, especially when it's only the 2nd proper Christmas since your son's death. Obviously be mindful of your other children but it's absolutely reasonable to go gently on yourself too.

I am so sorry for your loss. I don’t know what to say except for that. Must be horrific.

YANBU. And with good reason. So sorry for your tragic loss. Unspeakably sad.
I normally "tolerate" Christmas as it's hard work but am going to hate it even more this year as my darling mum died in January and it reminds me of her - she loved Christmas. All the festive stuff in shops is making me emotional.

Just get through it the best you can.

How awful about your son, I’m sorry. And no, YANBU. Although I suppose with your other kids hibernation might not be an option. Is there anything you could do to mark the day such as going out for a meal rather than doing the festive stuff at home? My Nan finds Christmas tough since being widowed so goes for a curry with a couple of friends/relatives and marks it that way. 💐

So sorry for your loss and completely understand why this is a difficult time of year for you. How do your other children now feel about Christmas?

To be clear, I'm not in any way comparing losing an elderly relative to losing a child, just saying that the empty seat at the table is rough and we found doing things differently lessened the sting.

I really dont like it either, not only for my own personal reasons but for the fact it causes so much misery, arguments and financial pressure and hardship to so many people. Greed takes over.

However, I do like the time off work.

It doesn't make you a grinch Op, it makes you human. I've lost my Dad, Mam, sister and 2 pregnancies in 4 years and seeing all the huge happy families going around without a care makes me furious with the injustice. I have hope that it will become less painful with time, I hope the same for you 😔

I have no advice except to say Im very sorry for your loss and that Christmas is marked with his passing. Take care.

I am so sorry OP.

How can it be anything other than heartbreaking?

Have you spoken to your other children about how you feel?

Would it be possible, and help, to go away and do something completely different?

You are not a grinch. Grieving for your boy doesn’t make you a grinch.

@Cherry321
My other 2 children were very closely involved in the whole trauma - my daughter (14) found her brother on his bedroom floor (she went to wake him to open presents) and my other son performed CPR while we waited for the ambulance.
They (like me) can’t embrace the celebrations although my daughter did say recently ‘I wish we could enjoy Christmas like other people.’

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Could it be worth looking into a destination Christmas? Rent a villa in the Canaries or something? It changes the whole Christmas vibe when you're in the sun xx

Who are the fucking 14% that say YABU?!

Oh god, I'm so sorry op. I'm at a loss of words because I can't begin to imagine what you've all been through.

Have you considered marking christmas differently? If the usual traditions are too painful for all of you now, then none of you have to go through with them. Of course you're right that your children deserve the effort but it sounds that all of you feel christmas that there was Christmas Before and Christmas After. So maybe it's time to just do Christmas differently, with new routines and traditions. It could be small changes or big ones.

Of course, if none of you want to do Christmas, you don't have to. It's more important that the time is as easy as possible for you. You could take a year or two "off" and do nothing at all to mark the holiday, just focus on self care, and perhaps with time you all might find that it becomes easier to reintroduce little bits.

Whatever, absolutely whatever works for all of you.

I'm so sorry. 💐

How awful. Maybe get together with your other children soon and make a simple plan, then with decisions made hopefully you can park it and tune out the hype for a bit. They must have very complicated feelings about Christmas now too. You don't have to try and do "old normal/traditional" stuff for them. If it feels triggering for you, it may well do for them too.

Let's assume they just read the title and thought "nah, YABU, I like Christmas!" without actually reading the whole OP.

As PP said, is there any way to go somewhere else? Anywhere that doesn't really celebrate. Cuba, Turkey, Thailand?

I can't tell you how bloody shitty the whole thing is. You deserve only the best, but that doesn't have to include Christmas.

There are some communities that intersect in big cities. Often, for example, Jewish people go out for Chinese food. You could make a sort of non-Christmas thing. It's so so recent though, just be kind to yourselves.

Utter cockwombles.

Who failed reading.

Oh I'm so sorry for your loss. I think if I were in your shoes I'd want a total change. Would you consider going away, a holiday or trip to one of your families favourite places? I think it could be good quality family time without all the Christmas pressures.

Firstly, I am so sorry to hear about your loss and absolute trauma you and your family have gone through. I also lost one of the most important people to me last Xmas through what I would
say traumatic and sudden circumstances. I am absolutely dreading Xmas this year as are my family but we have young ones who are excited and I am so torn as I don’t want to ruin it for them but desperately want to hide under my duvet till
its all over. I think I will have to force myself knowing they wouldn’t want it that way but it will be somewhere in the middle. I can’t pretend but will be present at least if that makes sense.
You just have to do the best you can for now and nothing else. That is enough.
Hoping you get through the holidays x

Ahh so sorry to hear about your son. Yes I can imagine the build up to Christmas is very tough. I hope you can find a way to focus on you and take care and then be with your family all together supporting each other. There's no easy way.

You could start with something little like just a nice dinner on the day and all raise a glass to your Son rather than the full on tree and tinsel thing. I'm sure your boy would not want any of you to be sad.

Whatever you do you should take your lead from your surviving children , they had a loss too .

So sorry OP - your poor family. I think as pps have said, a complete getaway, somewhere warm so you're all completely away from past traditions where your son leaves such a gaping hole.