To absolutely HATE Christmas? With good reason

[stitchinguru]

I’m already feeling a huge sense of impending doom.
As I’ve shared on here before, my eldest son (aged 24) died in the early hours of Christmas morning 2019.
Right now, I’d like to hibernate and emerge again sometime in January. Everything from here on in is a huge trigger, and yet I have 2 other children (25 and 17) who deserve some sort of festive season.
AIBU to approach the coming month of two in Grinch mode?

I’m so sorry OP. Not unreasonable at all and your kids are big enough they will definitely be able to understand how you feel. Maybe hide till January with some quiet family time doing very little and just being available to give each other hugs.

YANBU of course. I'd talk about it with your children to see if you can come up with something different to do together.

For all of you Christmas will never, ever be the same.

💐🙏.

I also had a sudden loss around Xmas a long time ago now.
The traumatic event and the Xmas are linked, do you think you would feel guilty if you tried to make Xmas memories again?

I would let go the trigger and consciously try and make new Xmas memories, that isn't disrespectful to your son.

It's unlinking your loss that's all.

You could choose a day after Xmas to perhaps deliberately celebrate him, light 🕯️ candle's, talk about him?

YANBU. You have all been through horrendous trauma.

I have a friend who's 4 year old died last year: she's booked to go away on holiday (with her mum, not alone) so she can escape it all

Oh gosh OP, so sorry that you're going through this, that is horrific for you all.
This may be helpful or tactless, I really don't know but to get through that one day how about volunteering to help out the elderly, local church, soup kitchen, people that are vulnerable, any help giving out xmas lunch. I've done it, it may just get you through that one day.
If you can't face that, tell your family you just can't celebrate this year, they will wholeheartedly understand.

Can the three of you not just get on a plane op? I think I would be tempted to have a very different type of Xmas break

I agree with PP. Do something completely different on the 25th.

What comes to my mind is something like a family event to raise money in your beautiful son's name, for a charity he would have felt close to.

And then have Christmas Day on another day.

Sending you all so much love ❤️

I am so sorry to read of your tragedy, OP. For it is a tragedy. You are absolutely not being unreasonable in the slightest degree.

Have you talked to your children about this? Obviously they have also been traumatised by what happened and may well want to avoid it all too. Or just do it differently.

Some people go out of the country for Christmas, skiing or whatever. Some mark it on a different day, have different food, traditions etc. Or some get comfort from keeping it exactly as before because the person they've lost loved it that way.

Di talk to your children, though. They are suffering too.

💐

Right now, I’d like to hibernate and emerge again sometime in January. Everything from here on in is a huge trigger, and yet I have 2 other children (25 and 17) who deserve some sort of festive season.

That's a very natural response to your tragedy and if I were you I would explain the situation to your 25 and 17yo who are both at an age that they ought to understand, if only in terms of how they must be feeling, and that a "celebration" in the normal sense of the word isn't something that you can deal with.

if you can get them to support the idea of a more subdued Christmas, with a few presents but not going overboard, and at the same time remember that your late son would want your happiness, it may help you get through what is effectively 2 days at most, then you can survive and move into 2023 as positively as possible under the sad circumstances.

Loss and bereavement is heightened by the excesses of "celebration", so it isn't being a Grinch to want to escape from it. If you can bring your family onside and help them to understand, as they may be grieving too and unable to articulate their sadness in the same way. Talking is a good way through.

I'm sorry OP, that's so hard. I also had something awful happen on Christmas many years ago, but not at that scale. But to be honest I hate it anywhere. The greed, the excess, the waste, it all makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I suppose my personality is quite 'austere' and its all quite anxiety inducing to me, especially at this time of enviornmental crisis. I generally just keep my mouth shut and get on with jobs like cleaning, chopping the vegetables and so on.

I am very sorry for your loss and have some travel advice for you at the end of this rant.
.i have hated the British Xmas for a long time.The build up is ridiculous,the expectations on women insane but they mostly go along with it, some feeling they have no choice and others enjoying the martyrdom.One advert said recently 'oh Xmas is more than one day'.Well perhaps that is part of the trouble.Of course people want to please their children but it has all got out of hand.Perhaps kids need a boundaried just the one day of festivities and families need to stop bullying each other about who goes where.
.This year it feels disgusting to have the ads continually encouraging people to spend more and more.People are now easy slaves to capitalism because of their lifestyles, and phones and Netflix living.If you are alone Xmas makes one feel worse and a kind of lockdown takes place over Xmas-no public transport means some people are stranded when they could perhaps have spent a few hours with friends or family.If you have lost people it is even more difficult and one gets utter morons shouting loudly in one's face 'cheer up it's Xmas' on the 28th November,There is something wrong with this country that we obsess so much about it.In Europe it seems lighter- a meal on Xmas eve and then some family visiting and then it is over.Businesses open.
I would suggest taking the family to Seville.I had a good Xmas there some time ago, with warm 68 degrees,spanish and middle eastern food, explored the city and stayed in a reasonable hotel which had great character.You might even be able to see some real flamenco somewhere.On Xmas night people flowed into the street and looked at puppets, little shows,dancers, or at each other.I do not know if anything has changed since covid but it was great.No awful Xmas night silence or crap telly.When I got back to the UK i was on a bus and everyone was silent.Such a contrast to Seville.You can never forget but you will be distracted. .

That is so traumatic for your whole family, it is completely understandable you would find it hard to celebrate. I am sure that there are people with experience of bereavement counselling who might be able to help you find a way to manage, but I am sure their key message would be to not put pressure on yourselves.

My first thought would be is it possible to somehow separate Christmas from the anniversary of your son's death, perhaps by moving all your Christmas Day activities to Boxing Day - then the family could have a proper day of remembering a much loved son/brother and then have some form of Christmas the day after, it must be impossible to do the two things on one day.

The most important thing to remember is that whatever the adverts suggest, many people are in fact having non-standard Christmases, you are not the only ones and it is fine to do it exactly the way that works best for your family.

You are very much not being unreasonable.

BUT maybe you have to try to power on for your other kids?

I don't like Christmas because of links to upsetting things that happened in my family. Not as bad as yours obviously, but distressing when I was a child.

You had the worst thing imaginable happen, and your younger children were involved too as you say. I'm absolutely not minimising that.

But your younger children are still children and it's not healthy for them (or you) to put their (or your) lives on hold. As we get older Christmas is a little bittersweet as we miss people who've left us. It's a shame it's happened so early for them and in such a horrid way. And absolutely devastating for a parent.

Things can't go back to how they were. There will always be a huge gap. You all loved your son and he will be missed forever.

I think you need to try to find new traditions as well as remembering him on the day. Can you do something different? Nobody has any cash, but can you get away so you don't have to be at home? Or can you be in a bigger group for part of the day so you are distracted for at least a few hours?

I hope I haven't come across as heartless. You must remember him on the day. But if you can have a little happiness in being together and even doing something fun that wouldn't be disrespectful to him. And as a parent sometimes we have to fake it til we make it and put on a brave face.

I wish I could give you a hug.

YANBU OP, so sorry for the loss of your son. A close friend lost her child in tragic circumstances too, life has never been the same for her either. Just do whatever you need to do it get through it. Posters saying otherwise, have no idea and hopefully they never will, the impact I have witnessed on the loss of a child is beyond words. I am so sorry.

Im so sorry, and you’re definitely not being unreasonable. Have you discussed with your children what they’d like Christmas to look like? Make the day your own, not what society tells you it should look like. (But it’s so bloody hard to avoid)

You’re not alone in finding Christmas hard. Some churches hold “Blue Christmas” services for people who struggle with Christmas for whatever reason - even if church isn’t your thing, you might find being among others who “get it” helpful, if there’s one in your area.

15% now, I'd say trolls. Which is probably about right, I'd say 15% of threads are troll threads!

OP can you 'change' Christmas? Make it your own, both in remembrance of your son but also to lessen the triggers? I'm so sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I lost my mum a few weeks ago so Christmas is going to be hard but luckily I have a near 4 year old who we will all put brave faces on for, again as others have said not the same as losing your son (although my mum wasn't particularly old at 68) but still makes things difficult.

I would echo speaking to your children and having scaled down celebrations or doing something completely different.

I am so sorry for all of you. How traumatic. No wonder you hate Christmas. 💐

I also suggest going away somewhere and making it a completely different experience, if you can afford it.

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

Firstly, I am very sorry for your loss. How horrible.

But just bare in mind this: my dad loss his mum suddenly on 20th December many moons ago. I was very young so don't remember it. What I do remember was the way he treated Christmas every year. My mum tried to make it jolly but it never felt magical as it should be.

Of course, you are very new to your grief and you can celebrate it anyway you like. Just be mindful that if you act like a grinch for two months you'll upset those around you, ultimately making you feel worse and things can easily spiral.

Just my observation.

Ah Jesus, this is heartbreaking.
I'm so sorry OP (and acutely aware that these are such empty words in the face of such loss).

Are you able to take a holiday over this period? A week skiing (if that's your thing), a week in the Canaries (guaranteed warmth) or even hire an AirBnB or a cottage somewhere in the UK?

Maybe having a different location and a different dynamic will bring a tiny bit of joy to you all in these dark times?

Rarely do I feel emotional reading posts, but OP, I could cry for you all.

Just read your update. Wow.

If young kids are not involved, I would literally do something different. Book a holiday abroad / book a curry on the day / do something your son would have enjoyed doing. You shouldn't have to endure it for the sake of it.

But being a grinch for two months will not help you. I promise. It will just make you feel worse because people around you will not realise the reason.

I'm so very sorry for your loss thats so tragic and utterly unfair. Christmas is always hard after a loss but far more difficult when it's the anniversary aswell. Maybe you and your family could go to a hotel this year if you feel up to it. My mam passed away two years ago and her birthday was Christmas eve so I've found that tough but I have a three year old so I'm trying not to be a complete misery this year. It's so very hard not to think back to previous Christmases and how good life was 💔

I’m so sorry :( Christmas is hard enough with loss let alone when it actually happens that time of year.

Can you do something different? Go away?

It’s ok to accept that it will feel shit and will feel shit for a long time.

If you can afford it I’d try to go abroad, do something else with the kids.

I have a similar loss and Christmas is not the same. We find going away for it helps, or changing the traditions that show the glaring hole somewhat. I tend to avoid Christmas but do what I need to do for my other children.

I'd go away somewhere hot so it feels the opposite to Christmas and forget the entire thing.

That must have been horrific for everyone.