To absolutely HATE Christmas? With good reason

[stitchinguru]

I’m already feeling a huge sense of impending doom.
As I’ve shared on here before, my eldest son (aged 24) died in the early hours of Christmas morning 2019.
Right now, I’d like to hibernate and emerge again sometime in January. Everything from here on in is a huge trigger, and yet I have 2 other children (25 and 17) who deserve some sort of festive season.
AIBU to approach the coming month of two in Grinch mode?

I had a very rough upbringing. Christmas has always been a difficult time for me as it just doesn't have the same associations for me as it does other people. I can't imagine how you must be feeling, sounds entirely normal you would be struggling. I'm so sorry 💜

As long as you and your immediate family can agree on how you handle Christmas itself I don't see any need for you to celebrate conventionally or at all. But 2 months of dread and grinchery sounds corrosive, esp on top of day to day grief.

I just read your post in shock.

My eldest son died aged 24 in December 2019 too! He took his life.
I posted about it in bereavement at the time. I got some lovely posts. And I even got a gorgeous wooly merino blanket from the wooly hugs team.

I took a huge break from Mumsnet for a while. Changed usernames and am slowly reading and responding to posts here and there.

Like you, I can feel a cloud of dread as Xmas slowly approaches. Hearing the Xmas songs in the shops, adverts on the TV.. its getting hard to bear.

Have you made any plans at all yet?

Can you sit down as a family and ask what Christmas should be for each family member?
Be prepared to come up with some suggestions and go from there.

I am so sorry.

I'd maybe pick one Xmas event , pre xmas day, this year which you do together and see how that goes. Then decide how you feel about Xmas day.

Maybe, a special event in memory of your son too, something he would have enjoyed or an interest of his. Although I understand if this would be too much. It must all be so raw still.

Again, I'm so sorry that you and your family have experienced the loss of a son and brother.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

@Untitledsquatboulder

That's what I felt when I had my loss, emotionally I couldn't carry the grief and the Grinch type misery it was too much for me

It's the most awful thing to have such painful memories at the one major time of year when everyone is supposed to have " fun".

This is why I think it's possible to consciously take control and not be passive and try and set aside a time to remember and grieve but try and at least let Xmas be Xmas in. Terms of relaxing on other days

Cherry I’m so sorry. Maybe it’s too late to do it this year but definitely look at going abroad next year. This is a very mumsnrt thing to suggest holidays\spa days etc when £ isn’t always going to be available
i spent Xmas in Vegas one year and it was 100% not Xmas there - but extremely expensive obvs.
when he died would always invoke memory of that day, but xmas is such a long period of run up isn’t it

@Evanted76 i remember your post 💐

I am so sorry to hear of your loss, and I don't blame you for wanting to hide until January. There are some great suggestions here, I hope you all find a way through.

I'm so very sorry OP, that is so much for all of you to bear. I think previous suggestions of getting away if you possibly can are good. I hope you have friends and family around you who can support you. Sending love to you.

I totally understand as I am in that position. I had two people pass away during the Christmas period , one a couple of days from Christmas day. Admittedly they were a few years ago now but it never goes away, I never forget obviously and they are painful still. I don't like Christmas much either.

So sorry, that’s just awful. Could you go away somewhere?

I’m so sorry for your loss @stitchinguru
You and your children have suffered an unthinkable tragedy.

As your other children feel the same, maybe it’s time to change some Christmas traditions. What would Christmas have been like before?

We have also suffered significant loss as a family around that time of year and while lots of people suggested a “destination Christmas” to us, I could never imagine my Christmas Day without a visit to the cemetery. It’s something we’ve done every year since and I can’t imagine it ever not being that way.

Terrible sorry for your loss of your son.I think the fact your daughter said she would like to enjoy Christmas like other people, I wonder could you find some strenght in that because your 2 other children have to live the rest of their lives and Christmas is every year so maybe you could help them find that peace.I know it's a real challenge but it may help you just a little bit to.

I’m so sorry OP 💐💐

@evanted76 🥰

I don’t suppose you can afford to all go away for Christmas to somewhere sunny and change up the whole tradition for you all?

I don't think going away will help at all really as I thinknit will make you dread each Christmas more as it looms

You're not a grinch OP. You went through the most traumatic thing a person can go through and it makes total sense that all the sensory things of Christmas would be a massive trigger.

I've never really been a fan myself as growing up, both my parents had a lot of health issues and in fact one year, both parents spent Christmas in hospital, both very seriously ill at the same time and us kids had to be 'farmed out'. Multiple other occasions of having the same, I grew up to associate Christmas with hospitals and even now, there's that 'doom'.

My survival 'tricks' are to do one of the following: a) fake it till I make it and go over the top in embracing it, b) do something that will feed my soul (I worked at a homeless shelter one year and another time, did Christmas meal at the village hall meal for people on their own) c) avoid completely and go away somewhere a bit warmer for a Christmas on my terms.

Biggest thing that helps me is reminding myself that Spring is soon on its way. But also not to feel guilty or like 'the grinch' for feeling this way. You legitimately feel what you feel and it's raw and painful and also, you're still at an early stage of grief. Maybe focus on doing something that you will really enjoy, whatever that looks like.

I am so sorry Op. my situation isn’t anywhere near as heart breaking. But my mum died at the beginning of December last year. It was out of the blue and she was only 66. My kids are 18 and 12.

I am dreading it too. I have spent this year existing. We are going out Christmas Day, which we didn’t do before to just try and do something different. I want to go to bed and wake up in January.

I can’t imagine how you must be feeling. Like op suggested, can you go away? Do something completely different?

I’m so sorry for your loss op ❤️

We lost a DC this year and god it’s a club you don’t want to be a part of huh. This will be our first Christmas without them and we have another DC to do Christmas for. They’re too young to understand why we might not be feeling Christmas so we’re just throwing ourselves into it anyway. It seems extra difficult that I used to love this time of year. I keep finding myself feeling naturally excited and then remembering.

I can’t imagine what you and your kids are feeling with that trauma from Christmas Day. I have no practical advice just love and support. I do think going away as other posters have suggested could be a good idea.

So sorry for what you have been through, I can’t begin to imagine how hard it must be to lose a child but I did lose a relative on Christmas Day under different circumstances (it was expected), the relative in question loved Christmas so we promised that we would always continue to celebrate and enjoy it, we do pause in the evening to remember them.

I hate the build up to Christmas, it starts earlier each year, which is great for those that enjoy it but not for those that don’t. Christmas is just a few days (Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day) but it seems to have become a month of celebrating.

I think you need to sit down with your DC’s and ask them what they would like to do to make Christmas more enjoyable? Maybe going away is the answer, as people have mentioned above “not everywhere is Christmasy”?

The year after our son died we rented a house on the Northumberland coast for the week over xmas with our surviving child. The house had a xmas tree & decs, so we didn't have to do any of that. We could spend the days striding along the icy deserted cliffs and beaches and the nights drinking to sleep. It got us through.

I am so so sorry, there is no easy way or quick way though. It has been 20 years for us. The pain does not lessen but you will learn to work around it and find moments of genuine delight at xmas. After our Northumberland reset we were able to start slowly making our way back to a family xmas. But that is your choice - go away every year if that is what it takes. Don't let people put pressure on you and be kind to yourself and each other.

I don't think it is at all unreasonable to want to shut yourself away from the whole event. Commercialism aside, it is a family event and your family have a endured an enormous loss. Would your DC agree (if you can afford it) to going away for a few days over Christmas or would that feel like you were leaving your deceased son behind?

Our DD (22) died in December a few years ago and her funeral was 4 days before Christmas. We always had a fairly low key Christmas anyway so this has continued but our traditional Christmas Post lunch stroll now includes visiting her grave - so much as I'd like to go away, I'm not sure I could.

The enforced jollity all around is difficult to deal with. I will never forget walking down the hospital corridor, having just held DD's hand as she died and kissing her goodbye for the final time, to hear "I Wish if Could be Christmas Every Day" being blasted out from the League of Friend's Charity stall. Now when I hear that song in the shops/supermarkets in the run up to Christmas, I just want to scream "I bloody well don't".

Who can possibly blame you for dreading Christmas? In your place op I would be glad I had survived the last few years, and pour my energies into your two living children, it must be so triggering for them too. You have my heart felt sympathies and support op.

Can you book and go away somewhere like the middle east that do not celebrate Christmas? Or even closer the canaries - a villa maybe? You could even raise the money with a go fund me page or try to find ways to find the money from family and friends instead of presents? Perhaps get some gifts that are wrapped in neutral paper for your children to open on the day?

Your dd needs to accept that Christmas will come back for her at some point in the future, but for now it is damage limitation and finding the least painful route through. I think a holiday would be best if you can do it.
If not the local chinese restaurant and a pared down version.