To absolutely HATE Christmas? With good reason

[stitchinguru]

I’m already feeling a huge sense of impending doom.
As I’ve shared on here before, my eldest son (aged 24) died in the early hours of Christmas morning 2019.
Right now, I’d like to hibernate and emerge again sometime in January. Everything from here on in is a huge trigger, and yet I have 2 other children (25 and 17) who deserve some sort of festive season.
AIBU to approach the coming month of two in Grinch mode?

I am sorry to everyone on here that has been through the same, your posts have had me in tears. Life can be very cruel, and I hope there is some light and comfort from those that are still here for you.

This is so heartbreaking to read, I can't imagine what it's like for you and your family.

Would you be able to make your Christmas something different? Christmas is personal to each family - it doesn't have to be turkey and presents and speeches. You could make your own tradition that fits into celebrating your son's life. It could be a quiet and reflective day that includes him, if that makes sense? You get up as a family and take a walk to somewhere he loved and spend some time there. You cook a meal that he would have loved and you could exchange presents - I assume he would have loved that? You could buy him a present - a tree planted in his name or sponsor an animal that he loved at the zoo? You could play a game he loved and talk about him while you do? Your Christmas could be a lovely, inclusive memorial to him and his life. Each year you could still have a tree, if no other decorations and buy a new decoration for him every time. I understand that it might still be too raw right now but it could be something you do in time. Lots of love.

I am so sorry for your loss op.

I completely understand why you feel like this and I think I would be the same. Could you are your children maybe go away somewhere abroad over Christmas and not celebrate it at all? It could be a new tradition for you.

Can you make it bit different? Move the main to 24th?
I am from central europe and we have main Christmas parts on 24th. That's when we do some nice things, have dinner and do presents. 25th is usually just about eating with family (so is 26th). Lots of people also use 24th to go to cemetaries to light a candle for lost relatives. You could do that on 25th.

Like this you would take pressure of jollities from 25th to 24th and 25th could be more of a reflection and remember him day in slower pace than it would be normally.

That way you all can have some nice Christmas bits but not in the morning. Maybe a good compromise since at least 1 would like to enjoy the time.

I am so sorry for your loss and the terrible circumstances of it. Of course you absolutely entitled to hate Christmas and the only comfort I can give you is that many others feel the same as you. I, myself, lost a close younger family member just before Christmas last year and I’m sorry to say that part of my grief is working through the anger that I feel Christmas is ‘ruined’ for the remaining family.

Given the age of your children, I would try to come up with a plan of what you can all do that allows you to have an enjoyable day as possible. Maybe presents on Christmas Eve (which happens in a lot of European countries) and go somewhere anonymous where less likely to be sat if fog of triggering memories on Christmas Day. Doesn’t have the abroad - maybe a cottage rental or a pub or if the 24yr old has moved out, their home instead.

If you find surrounding family and friends are well meaning but interfering then you need to have a stock response at the ready of what you plan to do which allows you to enjoy family time but not get caught up in false Christmas nonsense.

I hope some of the comments on this thread offer you some support.

That feeling of dread, you just can't help. Christmas music and decorations are everywhere. Shop assistants ask if you're doing anything special for Christmas, have a wonderful Christmas. The Christmas music in malls really hammers at the head and ears. Yes, I dread going through it and having it forced on me and surrounding me the way it does. There's no escape. Ads everywhere proclaiming Christmas. Tis the season to be jolly and it's the most wonderful time of the year forced on you. Christmas parties that everyone has at that time of year. I just told people the truth - I'm not ready to handle that yet. They were understanding. After going through all that I dread every year. The grinchiness is a side effect of trying to minimise the pain through avoidance. We just get through it for our surviving children and do our best.

I am so sorry for you and your children’s loss. That is so heartbreaking.
The only thing I would suggest is trying to make new different traditions rather that going with ‘normal’ ones. If things like having a Christmas tree are too difficult as it makes you dread the season, start a new tradition of buying one and decorating it on Christmas Eve so it isn’t there all December. Or buy a crazy coloured one or rainbow coloured one that looks so different.
How are your finances- could you go away for Christmas?
Try to build a new tradition that you didn’t do like the cinema on Christmas Eve?
I really don’t know if anything like that would help but perhaps would help with positive memories for your children.
Have you tried joining a bereavement group locally and seeing what suggestions people who have suffered their own loss have got to share.

Sorry for your loss OP. I think it is a very emotive time of year, so many memories and everyone out making merry all the time can be a potent mix.

Perhaps you could do something lovely to honour the memory of your late son at Christmas. I totally understand why you don't enjoy this time of year x

I’m so sorry!! You absolutely ANBU. I know times are tough but if you could afford to go away then please do. Give you and your children some much needed space and time away at this time of year. You might find ‘celebrating’ in a new place, different climate etc… is much more tolerable!

all the best to you and your children!

Agree with PP about getting away if possible somewhere they don’t do Christmas.

If I knew you it would be perfectly acceptable to message and say we aren’t celebrating Christmas if you want to donate any money you would have spent to x charity that would be great. No Christmas cards either please.

If you can’t get away I would get a Chinese or maybe your son’s favourite food and eat that instead.

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss, such an unfair roll of the dice and I would be pretty pissed at the world. Hoping you all have access to counselling services

I'm sorry for your loss.

I immediately thought that I'd do a summer Christmas instead or a new years one. Whatever you do or don't do is up to you. I have no real idea of what I would do in your situation. Probably go to bed for the week if I'm honest.

I think Christmas is a very difficult time for lots of people especially those that have lost loved ones. It certainly isn't the fun filled family time the adverts would have you believe for lots of us.

My lovely sister died at Christmas 6 years ago but adored Christmas so we make it special for her and have her photo on top of the tree. My lovely mum died last month, also loved Christmas so her photo will be on there too.

big hugs OP. You should absolutely do what you need to for your family to find a way through Christmas YANBU 🌺

Her children are 25 and 17. Hardly little mites putting out their stockings...

If you can afford it- I would go away. Somewhere warm, where you can rest and hibernate and be together in a different setting.

I’m so sorry for your loss. X

I’m so sorry for your terrible loss @stitchinguru and @Evanted76 and for everyone else who has lost loved ones.

It’s such an unnecessarily long season. If it were as simple as just going away, but it’s hard to avoid the constant build up. My heart goes out to you all.

My heart goes out to you all @stitchinguru I can’t imagine how traumatic that must have been for you and your family and I’m so, so sorry for your loss.

There’s absolutely no way you are being unreasonable (I can’t believe anyone would vote otherwise tbh, what’s wrong with these people!). You and your family must do whatever you need to do to get through this together 💐

I am so sorry for your loss.

I imagine if you feel like that so do your remaining children. Have you thought about going away? Or something that isn’t your previous Christmas norm? You’ll always be taken back to that moment but you can be in different surroundings etc.

I’m so sorry for your loss. A dreadful trauma that takes a long time to come to live with.
I’d also suggest getting away, the Canaries, Spain or even north or West Africa where there’ll be far less evidence of Christmas.

Oh Im sorry to hear that.

I normally hate the general festive grinches who suck joy from other but you have a very good reason to feel different, grief sucks.

I think grief is so different for everyone that its hard to give advice, for example some might feel comfort in doing him a stocking and setting a place at the table while other would just think that reminds them of him not sitting there.

Its not the same but I had a pregnancy loss after years of infertility on valentines day and every year on that day we go to the grave site. We usually celebrate valentines on the weekend closest to valentines (or if its a weekend they other day) and it keeps the two things seperate. I dont know if it would work for you but could you 'move' xmas day to another day?

Omg this is horrific. So sorry OP

@Evanted76 i think I remember reading about the loss of your son. I have a 26 year old with a history of mental health problems and I can’t imagine how difficult and traumatic your loss must have been. I’m so sorry for your terrible loss 💐

I was wondering roo. I'm hoping they just have fat fingers or are hung over and pressed the wrong option.

OP I'm so sorry. My Granny had this too. Sending lunmumsnetty hugs.

People who just read titles

you can change your vote if you vote by accident

It's only been three years...it must still be so raw. So sorry op. I also hate Christmas. If I didn't have kids, I'd ignore it entirely.