to argue with secondary school over sons refusal to go on PGL? Year 8

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 05/11/2022 22:32

I would just tell them he’s not going. How can it be compulsory?

(and I’m a secondary teacher)

Brigante9 · 05/11/2022 22:33

Also a secondary teacher. No trip can be compulsory! Just tell the head of year he’s not going, they will surely understand given his SEND.

MissHavershamReturns · 05/11/2022 22:34

This would surely be a reasonable adjustment for your child’s SEN

Original poster

CatLover122 · 05/11/2022 22:35

The letter says and I quote
“ We are excited to have each and every one of our Year 8 pupils attend the compulsory PGL trip coming up. It’s important they attend regardless of financial pressure so please contact our school secretary if you are under financial stress. “

OP posts:

NumberTheory · 05/11/2022 22:35

Residential aren’t compulsory. If you don’T think it would benefit him, just tell the school no and ask what they will be doing to fulfill their obligation to educate him at school during the week. He will not be the only one not going on the “compulsory” residential.

elm26 · 05/11/2022 22:36

CatLover122 · 05/11/2022 22:35

The letter says and I quote
“ We are excited to have each and every one of our Year 8 pupils attend the compulsory PGL trip coming up. It’s important they attend regardless of financial pressure so please contact our school secretary if you are under financial stress. “

Cheeky f*cks! 😮

Absolutely not compulsory.

GenerallyGreenerGrass · 05/11/2022 22:40

Absolutely ridiculous!
No school can have compulsory school trips, just tell them he’s not going, end of.
And, if he’s crying right now, tell him you’ll make sure he doesn’t have to go.
Schools can’t over rude parents, I’ve never heard anything like it.

GenerallyGreenerGrass · 05/11/2022 22:40

Over rule….

goodnamegonebad · 05/11/2022 22:41

No, I wouldn't make him go and I'm not sure how residential trips can be compulsory.
Looking back to when my children were younger and the pressure I felt to conform to what they 'should do' when my gut told me otherwise, I wish I had been stronger to say no to things that clearly upset them - what purpose does that serve?
There will be a time when he feels confident to do these things and in my opinion, that is when he should do them.

NoSquirrels · 05/11/2022 22:42

School sounds ridiculous. Tell them no.

OhMaria2 · 05/11/2022 22:44

CatLover122 · 05/11/2022 22:30

For context he has ADHD and this can mean he can be impulsive, not watching roads etc still is dropped off and collected by me or DH as lots of roads and trial runs led to us having to stop them.

He has never liked being away from home for too long, it’s okay we all go on holiday but when DH has tried to take him away on fishing trips he wants to come back and when I’ve taken him to visit my parents without DH he also wants to come back.

He is a real homebody and whilst he has made a few friends at secondary school, nothing massively substantial despite me taking them out here there and everywhere - Son doesn’t always want to meet up out of school as happy at home or doing activities with us

He didn’t go on the year 5 or 6 school residential and school were very reasonable but a pretty big secondary now where residentials are “ compulsory “

Son is crying and really adamant he is NOT going - WWYD?

They might still require him to attend school and sit in unfamiliar year groups or classes

It would be unfortunate if he were poorly that week if so

whatdoesthisallmean · 05/11/2022 22:45

I agree with previous posters. Absolutely no way should you be forced into this. Like you my son with SEN would be desperate not to go. No way would I let the school make him go. And then you'd have to pay for a trip you know will most likely make him miserable.

Original poster

CatLover122 · 05/11/2022 22:45

Sorry I should have said I’ve already emailed the HOY saying he won’t be attending and have reassured DS he won’t have to go - I home educated him when he missed the year 5/6 trips so I’ve offered that if unable to attend school etc

I just have a feeling they’ll argue it with me, a friend was in a similar position pre Covid and they basically bullied her into forcing her DD to go - not the same school but local.
They actually asked her to attend a parenting course as said she lacked boundaries and shouldn’t be dictated to by her own child!

OP posts:

Hankunamatata · 05/11/2022 22:46

Sounds mad. I never went on any school trips until I was 15/16. I just wasn't ready. My parents let me choose

savehannah · 05/11/2022 22:46

Our year 8 residential is more or less compulsory, they really want everyone to go. Anyone who doesn't go has to sit in year 7 lessons for the week. I think most years there are literally two or three kids who don't go out of 150.
Obviously school can't make him go. But they may be willing to work very hard to enable him to go and have a new experience. I know one of my daughter's friend's has a lot of anxiety and mental health issues, and school spent a lot of time discussing how they could help her enjoy the trip. Up until the night before they weren't sure she would go but she did and in the end had a good time.
So no, you don't have to send him against his wil but you could see it as a challenge that might end up being a brilliant experience for him.

5foot5 · 05/11/2022 22:51

They actually asked her to attend a parenting course as said she lacked boundaries

Wow, it sounds like it is the school who lacks boundaries. Asking her to attend a parenting course? How very dare they!

Lindy2 · 05/11/2022 22:58

I didn't know residential were a thing in Secondary School. Thankfully I don't think ours does them. The primary ones were great but I'd find it strange for year 8s to be doing PGL.

No school trip that is longer than the school day and involves payment can be compulsory. The school's attitude here is really inappropriate.

Crumpleton · 05/11/2022 22:59

In this case if you feel that your DS is going to have an awful time, and it sounds like he would, just let the school know that you feel he's not going to benefit by going on the trip and explain why.

In knowing the reason I really can't see what the school would get out of forcing him to go.

Unseelie · 05/11/2022 23:06

CatLover122 · 05/11/2022 22:45

Sorry I should have said I’ve already emailed the HOY saying he won’t be attending and have reassured DS he won’t have to go - I home educated him when he missed the year 5/6 trips so I’ve offered that if unable to attend school etc

I just have a feeling they’ll argue it with me, a friend was in a similar position pre Covid and they basically bullied her into forcing her DD to go - not the same school but local.
They actually asked her to attend a parenting course as said she lacked boundaries and shouldn’t be dictated to by her own child!

Well that’s ironic the school telling her that she shouldn’t be dictated to, while trying to dictate to her. Who on earth do they think they are. 🤔

In your shoes I would reassure DS that he is not going, but also, ask him not to boast at school about that. Also prep him that when teachers try to persuade him to go, he should practice assertiveness and say “I don’t want to go and I have discussed it with my family and we have made the decision that I am not going.”

I would simply email the school saying that DD is not going to attend and asking if you should home educate for that week or if they would prefer he attend other classes within the school building.

I get it, my DS is a homebody too and school trips are mostly shit.

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 05/11/2022 23:13

Schools still have to have parental consent in writing in order to take kids on trips. Either don't complete the consebt form, or if you had to complete a blanket catchall "consent" for all out of school activities put it in writing that you specifically do not consent to this trip.

OkOkWhatsNext · 05/11/2022 23:13

They say it’s compulsory and try and strongly encourage people because most of the time the ones that are scared and being pushed out of their comfort zone end up having a wonderful time and the experience is even more beneficial for them in developing their own self-confidence and challenging themselves than it is for the already-confident ones. You need to talk to them about it, they may have ideas and suggestions to help make it work.

parietal · 05/11/2022 23:13

Odd responses.

I would do everything possible to enable him to go. Not force him, but work with the school to prepare him for the trip and make it enjoyable, or at least something he can do. That would be an achievement for him. Whereas sitting at home is not going to help with friendships or anxiety.

Alexandernevermind · 05/11/2022 23:14

Cfs. I always said with school they are theirs 8.30am till 3pm Monday to Friday, mine outside of that. Although benefits of such trips are huge, absolutely don't send him if it isn't right for him. Is there an option for you to take him for a day to join in with the activities and bring him back home? This is what my dc's school allowed for a girl with anxiety - trip wasn't compulsory btw, they just wanted to accommodate for every child as much as possible.

WhatsTheEffingPoint · 05/11/2022 23:18

If he doesn't want to go, don't make him. Not sure how the school can expect you to physically get him there if he doesn't want to go. I would ask if they expect you to drag him along kicking and screaming?!

I remember going on a Yr 5 or 6 school trip,I never stayed away from home before, I hated it, was separated from my real mates, cried most nights and my parents collected me early. I'm late 30s now and I can still remember how shit it made me feel.

FishyMcFishyfingersFace · 05/11/2022 23:20

Tell school he will not be going. If they aren't happy about it and try to force your ds to go you will need to have his back and stick up for him over it. I have had to tell a (primary) school before that they have no claim over what we do outside of school hours when they tried to organise the children to do a compulsory out-of-hours thing, funnily enough the letters that came out after that were reworded to say if the child can't make the event then that is ok, but the school would appreciate as many voluntary attendees as possible.

I know this is different, but ds3 (15 yes old so doing his GCSEs this year) has been unwell on and off for a few years and the attendance officer at our secondary school was trying to force us to send him in while ill. My dh and I were the only people who would stand up for him during this time and refused to send him in while ill. We were also dealing with doctors and hospitals trying to get a diagnosis, which the school knew about. He was diagnosed with ME/CFS in May and I am so relieved we stood our ground with school as if he'd gone in more he would have been worse health-wise and could have ended up bed-ridden rather than well on the way to recovery/managing his illness, which he is now. As his parents we were the people responsible for standing up for him, so we did - and we told him this. As your ds' parent you might be the only person who will stand up for him over this, so make sure you do, and TELL YOUR DS THAT YOU WILL BE THERE FOR HIM THROUGH HIS, THAT YOU WILL FIGHT FOR WHAT IS RIGHT FOR HIM, it will help him to know that.

We have never had 'compulsory' PGL trips here, but have had letters about supposedly compulsory evening events every so often from us secondary (have 4 children so have had a lot of school stuff to sort) and when the child concerned didn't want to go to the event or we have already had something else on we have just not allowed them to go, (and notified school they are not doing it as a courtesy).

But, is the PGL close enough to home that your ds could go during the day and return home at normal time/tea time? If so, could you arrange getting him there and back? Might be an alternative to having him stay overnight but he can be involved with the trip?