to argue with secondary school over sons refusal to go on PGL? Year 8

[CatLover122]

For context he has ADHD and this can mean he can be impulsive, not watching roads etc still is dropped off and collected by me or DH as lots of roads and trial runs led to us having to stop them.

He has never liked being away from home for too long, it’s okay we all go on holiday but when DH has tried to take him away on fishing trips he wants to come back and when I’ve taken him to visit my parents without DH he also wants to come back.

He is a real homebody and whilst he has made a few friends at secondary school, nothing massively substantial despite me taking them out here there and everywhere - Son doesn’t always want to meet up out of school as happy at home or doing activities with us

He didn’t go on the year 5 or 6 school residential and school were very reasonable but a pretty big secondary now where residentials are “ compulsory “

Son is crying and really adamant he is NOT going - WWYD?

I would and did say they're not going. They can't force children to go on school trips.

Odd responses on this thread.

I'd be doing everything I could and working with the school from their end to see what could be done to accommodate him. He will be further left out of friendship circles and will miss the great confidence boosting activities. Imagine how proud he will be of himself when he comes back and he did it. Build him up OP.

I just have a feeling they’ll argue it with me

Remember, it takes two to argue, you can just not engage. If they write back making a case to send him or otherwise pressuring you, be clear once that you’ve made your decision and after that just ignore them on the matter (assuming you are sure it wouldn’t be beneficial for him to go).

Tell your DS to say, if asked, “My mum says I’m not going.”. Closer to the time, if they start hassling you directly for permission slips or payment just tell them, once, “I’ve already told you, he’s not going.” And don’t bother with further questions about it unless it’s about what he will be doing instead of going. Obviously, you don’t have to blank them if you’re talking to them face to face about something else, but if they are rude and insistent you can shut it down with something very blunt along the lines of “Look, I’m not arguing about it. He’s not going. How about we concentrate on what we’re supposed to be discussing?”

I've done many residentials over the years. They're fucking hard work for staff, but amazing for kids. Watching a shy, anxious kid do something they thought they couldn't, is just amazing. And they remember them for years.

I'm gutted ds' school isn't doing one. He's in yr 8, so never got to do his end of primary residential or a yr 7 one. Not sure why his school didn't do atr7 one; mine did. And I am not in a better/ more affluent school.

Tell them he isn’t going as it’s not suitable for him. End of! They definitely can’t force him. Xx

Rediculous, schools know very well no trip is compulsory. Ring school ask to speak to head. Tell her you know schools can not make compulsory trips. Your son does not want to go.

He will be further left out of friendship circles and will miss the great confidence boosting activities. Because he doesn't go on one weekend trip?

I didn't go on the one residential trip planned at secondary (nobody suggested compulsory), because it sounded dreadful to me (actually one girl ended up in hospital, so...). I went on two at primary. One was okay, the other one was miserable and I wished I could just go home. No way I'd make a child who didn't want to go, go.

Instead of giving in to his avoidance, I'd be encouraging him to go.

You don't give up your parental authority when your children cross the school threshold - I certainly wouldn't even agree that my children are 'theirs' between 9 - 3.30, as a pp has said to her dc school!
If you, as the parent don't feel it's appropriate, then that's the end of it. You don't need to continuously justify or defend the decision.
Personally, I'd formally contact the school governors regarding the wording of that letter - whoever drafted and okayed it has seriously overstepped and caused unnecessary distress to your child. They are supposed to be preparing our kids for adult life in the workplace but can't even draft a legally accurate letter?

I agree with this. Could he attend during the day with you picking him up and collecting him?

@Precipice But everyone in the year will be going on this one.

I doubt everyone in the year will be going, regardless of what the school says. The OPs child won't be the only one who doesn't want to go.

The post about how children develop on these courses is so true. I’d be looking at what you can do to make it work for your child, even brings them home each night or staying with them in a hotel nearby. Only if it really can’t work say not happening…

Odd responses on this thread

I don't think they are odd at all. The responses are mostly reacting to the fact that the school has said the trip is compulsory rather than whether the OP should try to encourage her ds to go on school trips. Besides, it is unreasonable to claim that absolutely all children enjoy these trips or have their confidence boosted by them.

I'm a teacher with secondary school dc who love school trips but I think it's absolutely outrageous of the school to think it can make a residential trip compulsory!

I read that message as urging less well-off families to feel confident that money isn't an obstacle to attendance.

Personally I would encourage my DS to take part in some way, working with him and the school to find the right balance between stretching his comfort zone a bit without being overwhelming.

They cannot disguise what is a discretionary spend as a compulsory trip. If they are difficult about him not going ask them for the specific risk assessment and adjustments in relation to your ds needs. Were a day visit possible that might be a compromise but it is up to the school to make it work for your ds.

My homebody, not liking being away from home child, always really benefitted from going away with school and taught him resilience and independence.
I think at age 12, you're mollycoddling him and I suspect that's why the school insists they go.

No way they can make him go. If they try to insist I’d firstly argue it should be an adjustment for his ADHD or secondary tell them he’s unwell on the day!

I would write back to the school stating “as parent of XX, while we appreciate that the school has arranged for every year 8 pupil to attend the residential at PGL, we do not give permission for XX to attend. We will, of course support you in ensuring XX does any school work set for the time the rest of the year are away from school and ensure that he attends school during that time.”

Great confidence booster my arse.

Listen you your child OP as that will give them more confidence when navigating this world than a forced trip/activity ever will.

I read that message as urging less well-off families to feel confident that money isn't an obstacle to attendance.

It literally says 'compulsory', so I don't know how you read it that way. Yes,it says the 'regardless of financial pressure' bit too, but why on earth say it's compulsory when they have no power to make it compulsory? It's just lying!

It is not compulsory - they are just bullying you because they want as many to go as possible. Just stick to your guns.

That is very harsh. It is not mollycoddling to understand your child's needs and expect the school to do the same. Not every child is the same.

@underneaththeash just because your child benefitted, that doesn't mean OPs child will.
And you are missing the point that the school cannot insist they go, since the school have no parental authority and can't just make unilateral decisions for other people's children!

I also run a brownies group, so I'm taking away 7/8/9 year olds for a couple of nights. I find that the ones who are less keen benefit the most from the experience.

Parents often don't always make the correct choices for their children.