to argue with secondary school over sons refusal to go on PGL? Year 8

[CatLover122]

For context he has ADHD and this can mean he can be impulsive, not watching roads etc still is dropped off and collected by me or DH as lots of roads and trial runs led to us having to stop them.

He has never liked being away from home for too long, it’s okay we all go on holiday but when DH has tried to take him away on fishing trips he wants to come back and when I’ve taken him to visit my parents without DH he also wants to come back.

He is a real homebody and whilst he has made a few friends at secondary school, nothing massively substantial despite me taking them out here there and everywhere - Son doesn’t always want to meet up out of school as happy at home or doing activities with us

He didn’t go on the year 5 or 6 school residential and school were very reasonable but a pretty big secondary now where residentials are “ compulsory “

Son is crying and really adamant he is NOT going - WWYD?

I suspect that's why the school insists they go.

Do you really think the school has the authority to insist they go? Of course it doesn't. So either the school doesn't realise it can't actually enforce that (unlikely), or the school is lying to the parents. Worrying either way.

If it costs you any money (and it will - they won't pay for clothes etc, will they?) you get to decide.

It would be over my dead body if I was you.

Any of them SEN?

Parents often don't always make the correct choices for their children.

Neither do schools! And who gets to decide what is 'correct' in this context? Anyway, whether you like it or not, it is the parent's right to make that call.

They a) can't insist and b) not all children are the same and c) the OP knows her SEN son better than they do.

You know there's a cost of living crisis now, yes?

Well more fool her for going.

Please come back and tell us the outcome.

But stick to your guns.

As it is 'compulsory' they should have completed a risk assessment already for your son. I would ask to see it. ADHD is usually one where teachers heave a sigh of relief when DC don't want to go judging on the kids I know with it and their poor parents trying to get them included in activities.

It should not be compulsory but neither should he be allowed a week off.
He should be allowed to stay at school and be set work/join another year group if all his peers are going

School talked one of mine into going on a trip. I think they realised their mistake when they phoned me at nearly midnight and asked me to have a chat and calm her down as they couldn't do anything to reassure her. I was sad for DD and glad she was home in time for bed the following night.

Going into school the next morning with younger child the receptionist said with a cheery voice that she'd just heard from Miss X and all was going well on the trip. Smug smile as she was letting me know I was wrong to have had reservations about DD going. I told her it wasn't going that well as I'd spoken to DD a few hours ago. She was taken aback, said they never, absolutely never let children phone home. I smiled and moved on.

Hard for professionals to admit it sometimes but we do actually know our own children.

Or he might hate it and come back upset and feeling like his parents didn't have his back.

You tell them no and reassure your son that he does not have to go.

hope he’s feeling better today.

Yes it is all very confidence boosting. My child came back in bits, the girls who had been bullying her for 2 years didn't have some Road to Damascus moment on the school trip. Her form teacher stood and watched when DD was sitting on the edge of the swimming pool and one of her bullies grabbed her ankles and pulled her in. Now she could have fractured her skull if she'd hit her head on the side of the pool but "all" she suffered as being held under the water and choking. A parent who had gone on the trip intervened. We had a meeting with the Head about it when they got back and the teacher claimed she thought "they were having fun" so she didn't intervene. It resulted in my DD self harming for the first time in her life.

Yes it really was a confidence building moment.

Yes, I usually have a couple of children with additional needs in the group as I think it's really important. My own daughter has ADHD and last unit holiday we had a diabetic child and one with moderate learning difficulties and ADHD.

If he's in Y8 I'm very surprised he had a Y5 or 6 residential to miss. Both years were hit by covid and residentials were pretty much the first to go and last to return.

Exactly right. How do they expect to have a good relationship with parents or guardians if they bare faced lie to them? How are we expected to respect them?

Brownies is different because they are already going because they want to go.

You don’t know the OP’s financial situation, it’s helpful to have alternative suggestions.

Another option could be a parent going along on the trip to assist, or if it isn’t that far from home they could go for at least one day as a day trip.

It depends what the barriers are preventing them from wanting to go, do they not want to be away from home, are they worried about the activities or food, do they not have a friendship group. The school has to make reasonable adjustments to make the trip inclusive for your child.

If all these ideas have been explored then it’s perfectly ok for them not to go, reassure them there will be other opportunities when they are older and they might feel able to go then.

I would be refusing.

My recently diagnosed ASD child was definitely traumatised by all the times I encouraged them to go to parties, clubs or events that they clearly didn't want to go to but I listened to peer pressure.

Brownies trips are a ridiculous comparison because, as another poster said, they are already happy to go to Brownies!

Tbh I think it's perfectly okay for a child to just decide they don't want to go and got that to be respected, even without having additional needs.
Sone kids just absolutely hate this stuff and are homebodies. This is absolutely fine and not a character flaw that they need to be forced out of!
Schools need to recognise that not all children are the same. Like adults, they have their own preferences. There are plenty of adults for whom an enforced week with work colleagues, doing activities that their employer deemed worthy, would be hellish too.

Spot on

Another secondary school worker who says bollocks to them and their compulsory trip. Honestly, argue like hell. I would support you if you were one of my students' parents.

It should not be compulsory but neither should he be allowed a week off.
He should be allowed to stay at school and be set work/join another year group if all his peers are going

That sounds like you think he should be punished for not going. Yes he might join another class, but the OP getting him to do school work at home would be just as educationally valid.

But all individuals and for some it really wouldn't work

I hated every school trip and residential. It was bad for my confidence and since I need some down time everyday, actually made me more vulnerable to bullying because I was different. I can't function unless I'm left alone each day. Other kids don't understand that.

Schools should fuck off with all kinds of compulsory trips and gym classes. And I say that as an adult who loves travelling and exercises almost daily. Both trips and gym classes in school make kids who are even slightly different, targets for bullying.

My mum later told me that she also hated each trip because it was "just too loud and busy" for her. So I'm guessing the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Stand by your child, you know them best.