to argue with secondary school over sons refusal to go on PGL? Year 8

[CatLover122]

For context he has ADHD and this can mean he can be impulsive, not watching roads etc still is dropped off and collected by me or DH as lots of roads and trial runs led to us having to stop them.

He has never liked being away from home for too long, it’s okay we all go on holiday but when DH has tried to take him away on fishing trips he wants to come back and when I’ve taken him to visit my parents without DH he also wants to come back.

He is a real homebody and whilst he has made a few friends at secondary school, nothing massively substantial despite me taking them out here there and everywhere - Son doesn’t always want to meet up out of school as happy at home or doing activities with us

He didn’t go on the year 5 or 6 school residential and school were very reasonable but a pretty big secondary now where residentials are “ compulsory “

Son is crying and really adamant he is NOT going - WWYD?

Fuck that.
It's not compulsory, no matter what they say... what are they going to do, drag your son and pack him a suitcase?

I still remember the residential trip I went on and it was miserable. I was bullied the whole time and consequently never forced my own children. Two went and loved it, one hated the idea and didn't. One went from an early age as at a Special School where they did it to give parents a break, but there I knew he was so well looked after I didn't hesitate.

Stick to your guns... one trip isn't going to magically make him find it all so much fun of he doesn't want to go.

Saying it's compulsory could be the wording they need to be legally able to pay for everybody who says they can't afford it.

Which would mean that the OP can quite happily keep him at home with her or send him in to be put into lower years' classes/inclusion/wherever they find a place for him for the week.

Residential are not compulsory. Poor kid, tell the school in writing why he will not be attending and that you will tolerate no further coercive behaviour on the subject. He and you have both clearly declined and there is nothing they can do it about it. Absolute arseholes, ive had this twice with my youngest, makes me so cross.

Under the circumstances, just stand firm. Tell the school you will not be paying for the trip and he won't be going end of.

Refuse to pay for it.

@CatLover122 you know your child better than anyone else and if he isn’t going to benefit from this school trip, there is absolutely no point in him going. It’s supposed to be something joyful, not an endurance test for young people!

Does your son have a particular educational interest or subject that he really likes? The week of the trip could be a good time for you to devote some time to planning activities around his favourite subject.

Couldn't you drop him off for a day or two? In all my years in Education, I've never come across a child who didn't love school camp ... and this includes children with significant needs.
There's surely a compromise between making him go and allowing him to stay in his comfort zone forever.

He's got ADHD, the school have to make reasonbable adjustments which means your son should be exempt from compulsary residential trips.

Check with Ofsted.

You have no way of knowing that, as they haven't tried.

Maybe I could introduce you to my DD.

I know my own DGD and she would be overwhelmed and would hate it.
So not unreasonable to thing others might be the same

Why do some people not realise that all children are different so it's not beyond the realms of possibility that the OP's DC will hate it?

And if a kid is crying at the thought, it's not for them. It's supposed to be FUN!

They absolutely cannot force your DS to go. I say that as someone who works in a secondary school. What they should be doing, not just with your DS but any child with SEND, is working with the child and parents to find solutions, make adjustments and have support in place so that he might want to go.

We don't pressure kids into going on residentials, but the vast majority do go and every year we take kids with a very high level of SEN. Some kids will inevitably be anxious in the run up to the trip, so a lot of work goes into preparing them for it and making sure they know what to expect. We have had parents choose to stay in a B&B nearby in case of any issues, which turned out not to be necessary but made them feel more comfortable about it all.

Every year there are anxious kids who are adamant they aren't going (they cry at the thought of it etc) but then they realise it's all anyone will be talking about for weeks afterwards so they push themselves to do it, and they end up having a fantastic time. It is not unusual for kids who are quite socially isolated to come back from the Y8 and 9 residential with a whole new friendship group. It is really lovely to see what it can do for their confidence. All that said, you know your child best. We would never try to force you into sending him and we certainly wouldn't be so disingenuous as to claim a trip was "compulsory" when we simply don't have that authority.

@underneaththeash
Don't be silly. Parents know their children and can absolutely predict in lots of cases how they'll react to different situations. Some children are initially nervous and eventually have a nice time or at least tolerate it and feel proud of having managed. Others would be absolutely terrified and find it traumatising. The parent is the best person to gauge what would happen with her son. An anxious child does need to be pushed outside their comfort zone with plenty of support. They do not need to be pushed into a situation beyond which they can cope with. This would be massively detrimental.

I also wouldn't trust, well meaning teachers who say 'the kids always enjoy it'. My school said that and I happen to know a one child who went in the past and absolutely hated the residential and it put them off being away from home, even with family, for a long time. The teacher who said this is lovely and the trip was amazing for 99% of children (mine absolutely loved it and came back much more independent and self confident) so I don't think she was deliberately being misleading it's just not always obvious when kids mask well.

School is being ridiculous. Nobody has the right to force your son to go away if he cannot bear the thought of it. Just say he cannot go and avoid contact with the school until it's over.

So head of year has emailed back ( on a Sunday!! ) saying
“ I am sorry to hear that NAME doesn’t want to attend and you as parents don’t feel it is in his best interests however I can assure you all students who attend, thoroughly enjoy it when there.
We will do all we can, and urge you to do the same to encourage NAME to be prepared for the upcoming trip.
Please pay the £95 deposit by the due date 11/11,
Kind regards
HOY 7 NAME “

Ummm…NO

I just want to echo what others have said. They cannot force him to go

I would've hated this when I was that age. I was terribly bullied because of my weight. It would've been a nightmare to have to share a room with those girls. Please take all his anxiety away and just tell him once and for all that he won't be going.

They cannot make you go and they cannot demand money. Just email back saying that as already stated XXX WILL NOT be attending. I would be tempted to contact the local authority and make a complaint about their bullying behaviour. Also for many parents £95 is undoable even at this time of year. If they are making a trip compulsory then they can bloody well pay for it.

Agreed with previous posters, just reply and say that your child will not be taking part in the residental trip end of.

How bizarre, given your child's ADHD, there is no attempt at discussion. This is something I would be taking higher.

They cannot possibly take your child away without your consent, so they cannot be compulsory.

You know your own child and what they feel comfortable with.

Having worked within schools myself I am shocked at how they are wording their letters/emails to you. It’s not compulsory to attend school trips.

I would email back and repeat that he shall not be attending and that there will be no more discussions on it. If they still keep on take it further to governors/council.

Do not pay a deposit.

I wouldn’t and didn’t send youngest with sn. Anyone who knew him were well aware that he would absolutely detest it.
His comfort zone was going away for 2 nights with his eldest siblings. Thankfully the hoy had his head screwed on and knew these trips aren’t the making of all. Probably helped that he, like many others was forced to endure a week away with his bullies including being in the same room.

Years ago school bullies a friend about her dd going, and of course the dd, along with encouraging the class to go on at her about going. It was horrific and the girl would come home in tears every single night for months.

The school paid just in case they got their way which was possibly behind the increased pressure.

She went and was home within 48 hours. Not only did she really hate the whole thing, the teachers couldn’t deal with her behaviour which she’d managed to mask during the school day.

It’s taken a long bloody time undoing all of that through her family, CAHMS and mh teams.

I would reply

‘Thank you for your email, I can assure you I will not be paying the deposit for a trip my son will not be attending. If you wish to discuss this further, please ensure any discussions are had with me rather than my son, you can reach me on __ .’

Fgs what a ridiculous response from hoy.

I forced myself to go on 2x secondary residentials at 12 and 17... both traumatising. Not using that word lightly.

I would have been better off not going to either. In the end it won't make a lick of difference to a child's education to go on a res

I went away on a Girl Guides weekend when l was a young girl. l was absolutely dreading it for weeks before and only went to please my mum. I hated every single minute of it, felt very homesick and like a fish out of water throughout. I cried with relief when l got back home.
Even though l am now 54 just the thought of it makes me feel terrible. My mum and the Girl Guide leaders thought l enjoyed it, it was one of the worst experiences of my life, even though l was very much an outdoorsy child.
Can we please agree that these kind of forced activities are not for everyone and there's nothing wrong with that.