To refuse these baby names?

[Babynamedramallama]

My partner wants to use family names for our baby, (think old fashioned Ethel and Edgar) he has a daughter from his previous marriage and his ex wife wouldn’t allow him to use family names for her middle name. He’s got his heart set on naming our baby after his grandmother or grandfather, depending on the gender, he’s very excited and assumed it will happen without asking, but the truth is I hate the names. Regardless of being family names I wouldn’t force a child to live out their life with these awful suggestions. I understand he wants to continue their memory through our children, but he wants 2/3 middle names that won’t flow and will sound ridiculous out loud. He hasn’t even offered if I had names I like or relatives I’d like to name our children after. It’s starting to really upset me and feels hurtful, as I feel pressured to say yes to avoiding hurting his feelings. I don’t know how to broach the subject and be clear it’s a no before it gets to the birth, without offending him or his family who I am very close with. We have different taste in names in general so I knew it would be difficult but I never expected to have this pushed on me as he’d never mentioned it pre pregnancy. Fwiw my dd has a name in the top 10 and so does his dd, which I’d like to continue with, a name straight from the war era will be very unusual together. I know many old names are making a come back, but I’m confident not these ones! Can anyone share their stories how they worked around this situation please?

Put your foot down. Please don't saddle your child with those names

Sophie Sylvia and James Edgar aren’t too bad.
I think I personally would compromise with 1 of the GP names if I was choosing their first name and could make sure it flowed nicely.

2 or 3 GP names I’d say a concrete no to. But my priority would be your child and their potential feelings about the name rather than just honouring a GP.

All of my children have meaningful middle names from my family. I was adamant. Fair enough, as they all got his surname. I think if kids get the man’s surname the mother’s opinion should carry more weight.

Herbert The Pervert springs to mind…

Why is he assuming he will get to choose all three names? I’d say that he can have one as the middle name, you could add a second middle name of your choice, but the first name needs to be something you both agree on.

Sylvie or Will any use as compromises?

First name - needs to one you both chose and like

Middle names - these are rarely used day to day, so ideal for older family names. They don't need to 'flow' initially. As time goes on and you say them they will start to 'flow' more to you anyway - most do.

Unless the names are really really awful (and Edgar/Ethel aren't imo) then I can't see the issue of honouring his family with one of the child's middle names. Even more so if the child will be having more than one middle name.

Is the baby having his surname, @Babynamedramallama ?

He doesn't get to chose all three names. You need to put your foot down on that.

If having 3 names, then one compromise could be:
first name - you both like equally
middle names - one name chosen each

So he gets to chose one from his choices for each sex, as one of the middle names:
Sylvia or Ethel or Peggy
Herbert or Edgar or Wilbur

For what its worth - Herbert is my least favourite. The rest I don't mind.
I teach infant age children - in recent years I have taught: Sylvia, Peggy, Edgar and Wilbur on more than one occasion. So not that unusual now either.

I quite like the names but you’ve both got to like the names. I would have liked to have named one of my kids after my grandmother but it is a marmite name so we didn’t. All my kids’ middle names are family members names. I prefer that.

Sylvie and Ed would be my only compromise.

Other than that, no.

You’re the one going through the pregnancy and giving birth and you’re not even married to him. I would give him Peggy or Wilbur as a second middle name, and that’s it.

Oo I love Sylvia. Would you be happy with Sylvie? Instead?

Peggy i s short for Margaret. If I were you I'd be praying it's a girl: Sylvia Margaret would be fine. NOT Ethel. Of the boys' names, Edgar is the best in my opinion. I'd choose my battles here, OP!

Bloody awful names with no flow to them whatsoever. No wonder his ex wife sneaked off to register their daughter without him. She was probably put under the same pressure from him and his parents that you are experiencing now. I applaud her!
You shouldn’t be afraid to tell him and his parents it’s a definite no. Speak up now and be firm before it gets too far out of hand.

Here's what we did - put a pad and pen in a place where both can access it and each add proposed names, one per line, as you thunk of them. He can make a note if there are any he only wants as a middle. Keep adding as either of you think of new names; don't cross anything out. After you have a big list (or the baby is imminent!) each person goes through and eliminates their absolute "nos". Then discuss and pick from what's left.

If nothing's left, brainstorm additional options based on what you both like - for example, Sylvie or Sophia as a compromise to Sophie and Sylvia. (He may only want the family names "as is", different people feel differently about that.) I'd recommend having two middle names if that's OK with you - I have two and the second one almost never gets used except on my birth certificate and passport. And incidentally, one of my middle names is Margaret after my grandmother, although she also went by Peggy. It's nice to have a family name - my siblings each have one too, one from each of our four grandparents - but it's also nice to have something individual and chosen just for the baby.

Keep in mind how the names sound with the surname - whether that's yours, double-barrelled, or his if you're planning to get married before the baby's born. If he's also assumed it will be his surname without your input, that's absolutely back on the table for discussion.

The baby's name is your joint decision with the father, no one else has a vote. If the family names are important to his parents, it's mean of your partner to give them the impression you'll use them when you likely won't be, but that's his mess to clean up. I'd try to agree with him that you'll both stop discussing it outside the family until the baby's born and the final name firmly chosen.

It seems like the problem is less the specific names and more that you're letting him pressure and even bully you (he MUST know it's not acceptable to choose all the names and not even ask you) and it's making you miserable. Even if he somehow doesn't see it that way, that's how you're experiencing it and as is clear from this thread he is being unreasonable and selfish. His wife was also wrong in naming his older child without his input, but that's done and doesn't give him an excuse to act badly. Tell him to stop.

Middle names is perfect place for family names. Both my DC have family names and we have middle name picked out for our impending arrival. We haven’t found a first name we both like yet. We are very harsh when one of us suggests a name the other doesn’t like, but we will find something we both like.
Talk to your husband before he thinks this is a done deal OP.

The boys one just use initials HEW as a middle name?
Peggy is short for Margaret (was she a Margaret or a Peggy in fact?) if so rearrange the names and use initials EMS as a middle name?

Otherwise - stick to your guns and choose the names you want. There are more effective ways to honour his family heritage than bundling their names into your children.

Our neighbours little boy is Herbert, Bertie as a nickname. We were a bit surprised at first but it actually really suits him

You could always abbreviatte all those names to SEP and HEW. 😁

Seriously, who gives their children 3 first names before a surname?

Sylvia is beautiful especially if she may have blonde hair.

Edgar can be shortened to Ed and is also better than the usual run of the mill names doing the round.

I know of a youngster called Primrose...she loves her name and is so glad her parents gave her an individual name that nobody else has.

Embrace individuality. Life is soooo boring having a name in the top ten.

I know a Sylvia age 7.
And I know a little girl with the middle name Ethel who is 3.

Both are actually spot on trend. They would not be regarded as old lady or fusty.

Herbert isn't so great. 'He is a right Herbert'. Bertie yes, but not Herbert.

Edgar as a middle name isn't to my taste but E names are in for boys.

So i struggle with boys choice as I don't think it works, but his girls is fine.

I think your choices are too safe and a bit dull, so I can see why he wouldn't like your choices. I think you need to be a bit adventurous and look at what's actually on trend rather than you think is old fashioned.

It doesn't mean you pick his choices, but I do think you need to step a little more out of the corner you have painted yourself into.

I LOVE HERBERT - little baby Herbie or Bertie. Lots of babies coming through with those names. I think it's super, super, super cute. Wilbur would surely become Will? Lots of Wills out there too. I think both are nice. Edgar isn't to my taste but I think it'll come back into fashion very soon to be honest, it's already on the way up - it's one of the more niche "Ed/Eddie" names.

Sylvia could be shortened to quite a few cool, edgy names which may really suit her. Via, Lyvia, Syl, Sylvi, Sylv etc. Ethel is beautiful but I'd love little Ettie or Etta.

I wouldn't have chosen any for my DCs except Herbert and I only excluded Wilbur on having another Will in the family but they aren't ghastly like other people are pointing out. In my opinion, they're far nicer than James and Sophie which, to be frank, scream "my parent put zero thought into my name at all" (I have a James and a Sophie in my family too).

I think the problem here is that the OP has clearly agreed, in past conversations, how awful his ex was, how controlling and unfair it was of her to go and name their child without his agreement. She has vowed never to be like the mad ex wife (as we see frequently on here).

Now you are finding that maybe the mad controlling ex was a bit of a trope, e.g. there were sane reasons for her actions. But you are the perfect new partner, that always agrees with him and his parents.What to do?

As everyone has said, your joint child's name is ideally a joint decision. You need to work together to decide on what the should be. Please don't give the baby his surname, this is the general advice given to unmarried parents on here. I know you think you will be together forever, and it doesn't matter when or if you get married, but sadly many of us have found the opposite. Best of luck with whatever you decide, but do have a good think about what you've been told about his marriage and consider whether there could be a different angle that might reflect more accurately who he really is.

You’ve got to talk to him! You can’t have a baby with someone you can’t communicate with. Parenthood is about being a team.

I don’t like the names btw.

We both picked a grandparent's name for our daughter's middle names( I had a very realistic dream where I told my recently deceased Grandad that when I had a baby I'd name it after him. I used a female version of his name) but could not agree on a Christian name so it was literally names in a hat. Her name was not my first choice, however, it really suits her. I wonder if you could find a compromise in a similar way. Its not fair that he chooses alone. Hope you resolve it soon.

DC has my (deceased) mother’s name as a middle name. It means nothing at all to to her. It’s not a particularly fashionable or cool name. But it’s part of her history even if she doesn’t get that yet, and nobody actually uses it! IMO middle names are the bit where you can do the family history part (mine is truly comedy awful).

But for a first name you have to choose something you both like, and will suit them just as well when they’re 5 years old and when they’re 75 years old.

@snazzlealpaca
Yes indeed.
I suspect she's now realising there's another side to whatever she was told about the ex, and if she isn't, she should be.