To refuse these baby names?

[Babynamedramallama]

My partner wants to use family names for our baby, (think old fashioned Ethel and Edgar) he has a daughter from his previous marriage and his ex wife wouldn’t allow him to use family names for her middle name. He’s got his heart set on naming our baby after his grandmother or grandfather, depending on the gender, he’s very excited and assumed it will happen without asking, but the truth is I hate the names. Regardless of being family names I wouldn’t force a child to live out their life with these awful suggestions. I understand he wants to continue their memory through our children, but he wants 2/3 middle names that won’t flow and will sound ridiculous out loud. He hasn’t even offered if I had names I like or relatives I’d like to name our children after. It’s starting to really upset me and feels hurtful, as I feel pressured to say yes to avoiding hurting his feelings. I don’t know how to broach the subject and be clear it’s a no before it gets to the birth, without offending him or his family who I am very close with. We have different taste in names in general so I knew it would be difficult but I never expected to have this pushed on me as he’d never mentioned it pre pregnancy. Fwiw my dd has a name in the top 10 and so does his dd, which I’d like to continue with, a name straight from the war era will be very unusual together. I know many old names are making a come back, but I’m confident not these ones! Can anyone share their stories how they worked around this situation please?

I have heard much worse!

Sylvia is lovely (but I prefer Sylvie).

Edgar is very lovely.

I would be happy with using one family name, picking all three is too much.

Sylvia, Wilbur, Herbert are gorgeous names. If you really don't like them, use as one of the middle names.

You need to have a conversation & say you don't like those names.
My DC have two middle names - both from our families (one name each from each family) & then we choose the first names together.
The middle names are of course rarely used, but they have sentimental meaning for us & our families especially as some of the people have now died.
I'd say choose the first together; then you each pick one middle name (of course you need to agree to it so try & find a name you're ok with).

Please speak up! You will hurt his feeling less in the long run.

Just because his ex overrode him does not make it OK for him to override you!

I am seriously not getting this 'excitement' over names being an acceptable reason for him ignoring your naming preferences or, as it sounds, his totally ignoring that you might wish to have any input into the naming of your child!

To compare - DH and I sat (in the back garden of a pub IIRC) and discussed what we wanted from a name - it boiled down to

• 'normal'
• not so popular that there'd be multiples in the same class
• multiple short versions he could choose from

All very non-exciting/excitable!

Sylvia is nice but I agree the boy name not so much. What is your husband's middle name ? Could you have that as a first name and then pick one of the families name as the middle name ?

Compromise suggestions-

Something Sylvia Margaret (Peggy is a nickname, not a given name)
Something Edgar Herbert (Wilbur is godawful)

You're right. They are hideous to lumber a child with.

You mentioned he's a partner. Have you been together long?

Sophie Sylvia and James Edgar sound lovely.

You need to compromise. You don't like those names, so don't agree to them. Surely if you discuss together you can come up with a list of names you can both agree on?!

I’m way more alarmed that you’re having a baby with someone you appear to be unable to have a frank conversation with, and who assumes he gets to make decisions while you trot alongside nodding meekly. So what if his ex registered and named their child solo? I assume you concede she may actually have had a point if he tried the same stunt on her, but either way, his problems in his former relationship don’t get to dictate things in this one.

What is it you’re afraid of if you say ‘God, those names are awful, and not something I’d consider on pain of death. We need to find names we both like’? And why didn’t you say this when he stated his choices today?

'DH I don't really like those first names at all, so we need to have a chat about finding names which we both like for our baby.' That's all you need to say surely?

I couldn't get worked up about middle names, though so I'd probably let him have the older names for those.

Was he with his ex when she had their baby?

I'd agree to one of them as a middle name but a more traditional first name. Like James or Sophie

We spent the day at his parents so I didn’t want to cause a scene. I know I need to raise the subject this evening I just don’t know how to kindly say the names are shit and will not be used. If I did like any of them as a PP said it’s too much so one or two relatives will be left out. We can’t realistically name one child after every elder relative. I wouldn’t name them after any of my relatives as again they aren’t to my taste. His middle name is Michael which I’m happier to try and push as a middle name, but I certainly wouldn’t agree to the above as a first name. We have been together for 2 years.

Sylvia is nice, but at least where I come from, Herbert is slang for a dork or a loser, so even if you liked the name, it wouldn't be a good choice - maybe tell him that?

yes you absolutely DO need to raise it this evening. 'DP, you and your family were making a lot of assumptions about the naming of this child. I think I should get a say in my child's name too, don't you think? Let's sit down and consider first names, middle names, and surnames, shall we?'

If you're not married, I would seriously consider giving the child your surname, BTW.

I think one middle name, absolutely fine the first name needs to be something you both agree on.

Tell him to look at the initials. SEP shd be an immediate no-no (septic). Not very kern on HEW either.

Yes just coz his ex didn't let him choose the names doesn't mean he gets to this time. It should be a joint decision. Why is he being so shit?

SEP? as in 'septic' ? I don't think so. Not very keen on HEW, either.

DH and I have opposite tastes when it comes to names .. he’s traditional, I’m more modern. DH wanted names like David, Jonathan, William (which are all great names btw, it’s just not my taste), and my favourite was Tate .. which DH vetoed immediately!

So, we sat down and went through lists of names, each allowed to veto as many as we wanted, and any that we didn’t mind went onto a list for us to consider later. We then came back to that list (which was rather small) and picked our favourite name from there. We’re both very happy with the name and it suits DS 🥰

Well, he isn’t telepathic, so you need to stop in Dino and pulling faces, and start using your words.

Why will the baby have his surname if you don’t? At the very least you can double barrel both surnames.

You need to tell them that both of you need to agree on names. Don’t be railroaded.

I agree you need to set him down and tell him that you are the one growing the baby and giving birth so you get a say in the name.

Is marriage on the table?

We did family names for DD and a moderately (think Addison/Avery rather than Ethel) old fashioned first name. But then we actively did NOT want a top 10 name. If we’d had a second DC they were getting family names too. She got a grandmothers maiden name, my grandmothers name and DH’s surname. You could do two middle names (which Is what we did).