To refuse these baby names?

[Babynamedramallama]

My partner wants to use family names for our baby, (think old fashioned Ethel and Edgar) he has a daughter from his previous marriage and his ex wife wouldn’t allow him to use family names for her middle name. He’s got his heart set on naming our baby after his grandmother or grandfather, depending on the gender, he’s very excited and assumed it will happen without asking, but the truth is I hate the names. Regardless of being family names I wouldn’t force a child to live out their life with these awful suggestions. I understand he wants to continue their memory through our children, but he wants 2/3 middle names that won’t flow and will sound ridiculous out loud. He hasn’t even offered if I had names I like or relatives I’d like to name our children after. It’s starting to really upset me and feels hurtful, as I feel pressured to say yes to avoiding hurting his feelings. I don’t know how to broach the subject and be clear it’s a no before it gets to the birth, without offending him or his family who I am very close with. We have different taste in names in general so I knew it would be difficult but I never expected to have this pushed on me as he’d never mentioned it pre pregnancy. Fwiw my dd has a name in the top 10 and so does his dd, which I’d like to continue with, a name straight from the war era will be very unusual together. I know many old names are making a come back, but I’m confident not these ones! Can anyone share their stories how they worked around this situation please?

I love Sylvia, and Wilbur

surely it’s a comprise. Something you like and he does?

Sylvia Ethel Peggy and Herbert Edgar Wilbur. Maybe:

Peggy is from Margaret. So Margarita, Margaret, Margot, Maggie, Pearl are also the same.

Ethel : Etta, Ettie

Sylvia : Sophia is similar. Sylvester, Sullivan for boy?

Herbert: Albert, Bertie, Herbie, Alberta for girl?

Sophia Etta Pearl

Albert Edwin Wilbur

Sylvie and Herbie are ok - have heard them used on kids recently. May be compromise on the shortened versions?

Peggy isn't a proper name anyway, certainly not from their generation, it is short for Margaret.

His mother thinks herbie as a nickname is cute, so even she thinks it’s a given. No one has asked how I feel or if I even agree, which I obviously don’t. I couldn’t even agree to them as a middle name. Yes baby will have his surname too, it’ll be a very long name overall if I did use them. He hasn’t turned down my name choices, he’s just thrust his preferred choices on me first. I pulled a face insinuating I didn’t like them, but he was so excited I don’t know if he noticed or chose to ignore it.

I like Sylvie and I like Bertie - would he compromise for a play on those names? Well, actually he/she is coming out of you so more to the point are you willing to compromise?

My ds has a middle name after his dad’s dad . It is old fashioned and I did not like it at all but is was really important to Dh and made grandad so happy before he passed away . Ds is now 7 and loves his middle name and proudly announces it .

The names he wants were "regular" names when his grandparents were babies and they probably will be again :-) I like his name suggestions, but I can see why you don't. It doesn't seem fair that he gets to decide on three names for the child and you don't get a say at all.

You're now seeing the sort of personality traits that made him a single dad with an ex wife...

Knock this right on the head. And forget about avoiding hurt feelings. He has no qualms about upsetting you while you're pregnant. Look around at his extended family - did anyone else use the dreadful family names?

You can each come up with a list of 20 names you like. You get to strike out ten names from each other's lists. Then you narrow down the twenty you're left with, for first and middle names.

This is fair. What he's doing is not fair.

Edgar is growing on me, actually.

Stop ‘insinuating’. You’re an adult, you’re having a child and you have equal say in said child’s name. Speak up.

Ooh I quite like some of those names. They are definitely not as bad as I expected anyway. Surely you can let him chose one as a middle name?

"Yes baby will have his surname too"

I find myself wondering how 'excited' he would be to use those first names, if you were then to say 'Well if you get to choose the first names I get to choose the family name, and our child will be carrying MY surname.'

You should raise that and see what he says.

How can you have sex with someone but not be honest with them about how your feeling?

I love you, I love your family but I am not naming our children after them. Now what names would you like that aren't from your family?

The names are not to my taste at all, I know older names are making a come back but I just can’t picture them on a baby, particularly my own. I think it comes from a good place as he is excited to be involved more with this pregnancy than his ex wife allowed with his daughter. She named and registered her without him present, so I can understand he wants to chose names for our baby, just not these ones! I’m happy to compromise of course, but compromise on names we both like not his choices alone.

I’d start saying the names out loud to yourself but with your last name (assuming you don't share a last name) and ignore his reaction, but probably far more sensible just to pull him up on his arrogance!

Because the conversation happened today and I’m still trying to process it and how to handle it maturely

Why on earth can't you start a conversation about this? Surely you chat about baby stuff - when shall we go pram shopping, do you need my MATB1 so you can organise paternity leave, don't forget the scan next Tuesday, can we talk about names ...

I'm speaking as someone who used family names for my DCs, but with exH's full approval.

And there were names that weren't even considered - not 'Hephzibah' but similarly gobsmacking and unusual. I'd put Herbert in that category.

The names your H wants were the fashion for their times. They're not traditional and timeless names like Catherine, Margaret, Elizabeth, Mary, Anne, William, Edward, John, James, Peter, etc. If there was no long family tradition of using those names generation after generation, why should you commemorate what was basically a whim of the parents of the people he wants to honour?

Herbert is fucking awful.

Really OP you must stop being a drip about this! Speak up for goodness' sake.

Nothing you’ve described sounds like a conversation. It sounds like you being told things and just accepting them.

The mature way to handle it is to speak up about your desired names for the child you are carrying. There is no alternative way.

Does he want all three? Because they are way too much in one name.
Would a co.promise work like you mutally agree on a first name that you both like and isn't a family name and then you each put a middle name in?
Two middle names isnt bad and could make his name blend in more.
Like Sophie Alice Sylvia Jones
Or Sophie Freya Peggy Jones or
James Alec Wilbur Jones ect?

What about Sylvie as a compromise? I think that’s so pretty.

I like the idea of Sylvie and I don't mind Wilbur, but perhaps William could work as a compromise?

I don't understand how you haven't said anything up until this point to be honest.

I see the ex wife named and registered their daughter without your H present.

Gee, I wonder if he had been wanging on about Ethel and Peggy and Wilbur and Herbert while she was pregnant?

Why on earth haven't you just said what you think? Why are you being weirdly passive? You should have immediately corrected his presumption and had a real conversation.

I'd agree to use a family name as a middle name. Middle names are never used so are a nice way of honouring someone.

Kids also enjoy having a middle name with a story or a reason, rather than the bland: my parents just thought Grace sounded nice with Sophie explanation.

But most importantly talk to your husband.