To refuse these baby names?

[Babynamedramallama]

My partner wants to use family names for our baby, (think old fashioned Ethel and Edgar) he has a daughter from his previous marriage and his ex wife wouldn’t allow him to use family names for her middle name. He’s got his heart set on naming our baby after his grandmother or grandfather, depending on the gender, he’s very excited and assumed it will happen without asking, but the truth is I hate the names. Regardless of being family names I wouldn’t force a child to live out their life with these awful suggestions. I understand he wants to continue their memory through our children, but he wants 2/3 middle names that won’t flow and will sound ridiculous out loud. He hasn’t even offered if I had names I like or relatives I’d like to name our children after. It’s starting to really upset me and feels hurtful, as I feel pressured to say yes to avoiding hurting his feelings. I don’t know how to broach the subject and be clear it’s a no before it gets to the birth, without offending him or his family who I am very close with. We have different taste in names in general so I knew it would be difficult but I never expected to have this pushed on me as he’d never mentioned it pre pregnancy. Fwiw my dd has a name in the top 10 and so does his dd, which I’d like to continue with, a name straight from the war era will be very unusual together. I know many old names are making a come back, but I’m confident not these ones! Can anyone share their stories how they worked around this situation please?

Sylvia and Wilbur are nice IMO. Definitely acceptable middle names.

I wouldn't be agreeing to naming your child after someone you never met. DH had a mad moment of wanting to name our son after his Great Grandfather who was, by all accounts, an arsehole.

That lasted all of ten seconds until I put him straight!

I actually quite like the names individually but no way would I use them like that as the full name. You both need to compromise a little - you choose a more modern name as a first name, and he picks one of the names as a middle name. Or you choose a more modern version of one of his names.

God those names are bloody awful. At a push I could live with Sylvia as a middle name but that’s it. You have equal say op, if you don’t like them you need to push back! Dont saddle your kids with terrible names it’s such a shit thing to do

The middle is the place for honour names. Our son has two middle names (John Joseph) which are family names from both sides. I'd suggest:

Something Sylvia Margaret

Or

Something Edgar Wilbur

You both need to be 100% on the first name as that is what you'll be calling baby every day but I don't think the middle names matter as much.

I'd be almost willing to bet that he tried to pull this stunt with his ex. Hence why she went ahead and registered the birth without him present, and presumably used her own choices.

Stop just pulling faces. SAY that you don't like such and such a name and won't be using it. Tell him that as this baby's mother you intend to have an equal say in the naming of the child. You don't like the names he has chosen and you are informing him that he doesn't get to dictate here. You both have to be on board.

If he waffles on about honouring his relatives then tell him that that is OK up to a point, but you have a family/views of your own too and it needs to work for both of you.

I'd be telling him that if he didn't start acting more democratically he might just tempt you to do exactly as his ex did, but I can be bolshy like that.

Whatever you decide to do, stop trying to be subtle about it. He won't pick up on that. Be more forceful. Being wishy-washy won't work, and this is too important for that.

As others have suggested. Each of you should compile a list of favourite names. Each of you can veto some, but you will hopefully be able to find some common ground.

ExH and I sat down and chose names, we then took any that appeared on both lists or where acceptable to us onto another list. We chose the final name on seeing DD and chose the order.

DD ended up being named after a relative of mine as her middle name, First name actually was one that ExH wanted all the way through the pregnancy but I'd never say a definite yes to.

But we both love her full name, as does DD so our compromise worked out.

They are all heavily of their era which is just begining to creep in, but not quite there yet. As a package of names they're too much, but selecting one as a compromise with a classic multi-generational first name would work.

DS was a mutual favourite of mine and DH, DH's choice, my choice so he has two middle names. DH wasn't mad on my last choice but I had my reasons for wanting to use it and we'd both had choices in there. It's not like we say the full combination daily anyway.

My poor mum was called Ethel after an aunt. She hated it and would be appalled if any of her grandchildren had been given it in her honour.

Sylvia and Edgar are gorgeous names.
But you will be using them every day so I would say first names have to be agreed upon and middle names are only a problem if they spell something weird or rude.

Is there middle names or nicknames you can use instead?
I wanted to include my grandparents. Both had old first names so I went with grandads middle name, it's a classic like James, and the pet name he had for my nana for a girl.

I don't think he gets ALL the names either. A child deserves their own name. Not just a miss mash of other people's names.

Well this is one of many reasons not to have a baby with someone you barely know. Two years is nothing.

But stand your ground. No more babies should be saddled with these horrible old names.

Those would be a definite 'no' from me.

You need to say no, you won't be naming a child any of those names. Your children will have 'similar' era names to your existing child (and his existing child) so he needs to sit down with you and draw up a realistic list of names you can both agree on to choose from.

Sophie Sylvie Rose
James Edward instead of Edgar

Please don't let him register the birth...I think he'll sneak in what he wants.

Sylvia Ethel Peggy for a girl and Herbert Edgar Wilbur.

Say, that's nice, but you do remember that this child is half mine, don't you? 🙄 I don't know why he's assumed he'd get to full name the baby, but you clearly need to work on being more assertive if he's ever been able to take that assumption on board.

Terrible names although Sylvia would be quite nice as a middle name. This would be an area I’d be quite assertive about and would be giving a flat no to and to hang with ‘hurt’ feelings. He can name a dog Herbert.

I think I'm right in saying an unmarried father cannot register the birth of his child - only a married father. An unmarried father can only be named on the birth certificate if present with the mother and gives his consent to be named.

I agree with everyone else - this is no time to let him ride rough shod over your feelings. Time to speak up and take his 'suggestions' as opening up the discussions, not cast in stone. I would also suggest you very seriously re-think using his surname. You can change it if you marry and take his name. Oh and don't hold these discussions in public - this is between you and your partner - no one else gets a say at all. If he tries to involve his family shut down the conversation - he either agrees to discuss maturely and reach a mutually acceptable decision between the 2 of you, or you will decide alone and he gets no say at all. See para 1.

Definitely don't do it

I had a middle name that was awful (Violet) and had the micky taken even as an adult. My mum had recently lost her sister, who by all accounts was a marvellous lady. Didn't make me feel any better though

I'm in my 60s and still cringe

Those names are awful - and why does he think all the ‘name gaps’ are going to be filled by his relatives?? What about your grandparents and great-grandparents, etc?

IMO he’s being very pushy, and I bet he mentioned it at his parents to try to guilt you and make out it’s a done deal. Put a very firm stop to that crap. Importantly, I also advise you to give the baby your surname. Don’t be railroaded into giving baby his name. There’s nothing to stop you changing it to his name in the future but I bet he’d never agree to change it to yours if you separated.

As for name choices, both make a list of names and then work together to eliminate one’s the other person dislikes; see if any choices coincide; mark each other’s names to make compromise easier; and always keep yourself and baby in mind. You do not have to pushed around like this, even if your partner is excited or whatever. He is not in charge, and you are not a mere vessel for his children.

You can't call a kid Herbert.

I was very lucky, there was no discussion on names, I made it clear a girl would be named after my grandmother, DH was happy and her middle name is his grandmothers. #2 named similar & #3 we agreed to give baby the name my DF liked, my DH and I loved the boy name and girl we were happy for a middle name, yes it’s a very old fashioned MN cringe name but we like it and she suits her name.

I have both my maternal and paternal grandmothers names as middle names, but my parents choose my first name, well my mum picked one name, think Emma Jane and my DF registered me with what he wanted Alice Jane, then the grandmothers names. (Before anyone says anything about my DF, my mother was a narcissistic controlling bitch, this was one of my DFs few wins and I definitely prefer his name choice, I’d have been one of 8 Emma’s in my class at school otherwise). It’s long, 4 forenames but I’ve always liked it. I’ve met lot of other people with several middle names.

I think you both definitely need to agree on the first name, but would it really be that big of a deal to let him have one or even 2 middle names. My DDs love they are named after family, each of their names has a meaning and story behind it. My oldest named after my grandmother, I was very close to her, she was someone I could turn to when home was extremely toxic, my DH spent a lot of time with his grandmother when he was young, she did all the childcare while his parents worked. They both meant so much to us, they were strong fierce women that we loved and admired, which is why we wanted to name out daughter after them.

Also there is a Herbie in my 8yos class, so it’s not that old fashioned.

I'd just have said 'I don't like any of those' there and then. If his family joined in with their suggestions, I'd have invited them all to notice where the unborn babe was at that very moment, and who was going to have final say on names, and everything else!

Honestly, OP, use your words - and start trying out names aloud, with your surname, not his. That should take the wind out of his sails.

Hmmm, you need to speak up now and ask him why he thinks he will get to choose all of your baby’s names?! Say now-this evening-you don’t like any of them.

He has been through naming a child with someone before who clearly thought his suggestions were nuts-this won’t be a shock to him! What did you say when he told you how he wasn’t allowed to name his older children these names?

Is he able to compromise on other things in your relationship? I’d be asking him what he understands by the word compromise!?

And maybe that's why she is now his Ex? Edgar isn't so bad, and Ethel might make a comeback. Let them have middle names and you pick any modern name you want for the first - Pixie Ethel Smith' and Thor Edgar Smith. Whatever.

So he wants all the names!? Nope.

We settled on choosing a first name together, then I got one middle name and my husband the other middle name. Your husband wants to have the first name, both middle names and the surname? That's utterly selfish.