To be annoyed at DD’s punishment

[LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet]

DD (9, Y5) has been getting picked on by a girl for a couple of years now. It seems to happen in peaks and troughs. But this girl’s focus is on DD’s height. She’s very small for her age, as is her dad. If you looked at her you’d think she was 7yo max. Her 5yo brother is only 2 inches shorter, and some of her friends are head and shoulders taller. And the girl picking on her constantly calls her titch, shorty, dwarf, shortarse and constantly pats her on the head like she’s a dog. If something has been said in class when they’re learning, for example the teacher describes a ‘small mountain’ this girl will shout out “Just like Emily” (meaning my DD, not her real name).

I raised it last year but she had a bit of a hippy teacher in his last year of teaching who said things like “I’ll work on empowering Emily” and “I’ll do a lesson on how name calling isn’t ok” - which is all very well but FFS just tell this girl to stop it!!!

I raised it with the head who is as much use as a chocolate fireguard and just says “Oh well these things happen and we do encourage resilience”. Which I agree with but one child can only take so much.

To avoid drip feeding - this is a private school with very low numbers and the bully girl is one of 5 siblings. I’ve strongly suspected they don’t want to upset the family in case they pull all their kids out. It seems to be a pattern with wealthy/large families, whereas I only have 2 in school.

Anyway I spoke to her new teacher in the first day of term and said it absolutely cannot happen this year as DD is starting to dread school and has come home crying too often, and I don’t wanna have to pull her out. New teacher is much more of a ball buster than last year’s teacher and said she’d directly pull any name calling or mean behaviour. And all seemed to go well this term (except for the odd incident). Until today.

DD’s teacher called me to say that all her break times will be removed next week and she will have to stay indoors. Apparently the bully girl made a comment when DD was asked to pin something she’s done on a display the wall. She said “Someone get Emily a stepladder”.

DD replied and said “I may be short but at least I’m not fat.” The girl in question is quite overweight. She burst into tears and DD has had that punishment.

Now I’m not condoning what DD said, I’ve always said we never talk about how people look because look how awful it makes someone feel. But after 2 years of grief from this girl when there’s been NO action taken against her, my DD seemingly has snapped and now is being punished for 1 offence. The bully girl was made to apologise but isn’t getting the same punishment.

Full disclosure: DH has suggested before that DD say this to the girl (to which I promptly said FGS NO don’t say that!). But bear in mind we had her coming home upset and crying yet again by this nasty girl who just won’t fucking stop.DH got fed up and said that if she can comment on DD’s height the only way to stop it is to bite back equally as hard. Which I don’t agree with - but I bet that’s why DD’s said it.

WIBU to see the Head and say this is unfair, yes DD should be punished but why hasn’t the other girl ever had a punishment once? Why is fat shaming terrible but height shaming ok and should be tolerated? Neither can be helped of children. I did tell her teacher I’m not happy but she seemed to think it was much more unacceptable what DD said than what the other girl said!

THIS serves the girl right. If you can't take it then don't serve it .

The school sounds awful. I hope you’re not actually paying money for your child to be bullied at this appalling school!

Move your poor daughter to a better school, and better doesn’t mean you have to pay.

Yup.

Fight fire with fire.
Every time.

Your daughter ended up having to try and deal with the bullying because the school did sod all to help her. I’d say to them if they’d addressed this issue when you first told them about it, this wouldn’t have happened. School totally in the wrong. This sends the message it’s ok to bully and get away with it, but not to stick up for yourself if the school does nothing. I’d be complaining and perhaps reminding them [[sarcasm). “These things happen!”

I hope you got the result you're hoping for @LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet . I have a sneaky suspicion that the HT will try to use everything in their toolbox to deflect and not accept responsibility, but I'd be very pleasantly surprised if they did accept responsibility.

Can't wait for your update.

I'm glad your daughter retaliated and who can blame her after on and off bullying for years by this girl. The girl burst into tears because she got upset re: a comment about her looks, well what about all the times your daughter got upset about the comment on her looks.
It isn't fair that your daughter got this punishment whilst the other girl never did.
One positive, I bet the other girl has hopefully learnt a lesson about unkind words.
I am a teacher and one thing I have zero tolerance for is any unkindness, I take it really seriously. However, I do feel some of my colleagues have to much of a softly softly approach which has no impact at all. I believe as a teacher I have a moral duty to teach the children right from wrong especially as some children aren't taught this at home. If they don't learn it from school where will they?
Also remind the school that when your daughter was upset all they said was that she needs to become more resilient, it's double standards.

I'd contact the ISI regardless.

I'd also be telling my daughter to call her fat every time this bully calls her short. If she can't take it then she shouldn't give it.

Good on your daughter for sticking up for herself! The bully girl got a small taste of how your poor daughter has been treated and felt for years.

I would be fighting any punishment on this. Take in a detailed list of all the times the girl has picked on your daughter for being short and the number of times your complaints have been ignored. Tell them to explain why your daughter is being punished for standing up to a girl who has been bullying her over her height for 2 YEARS. Tell them you intend to speak to the upcoming inspection team as well if the school doesn't explain adeuqately.

No way id accept a punishment for my dd if the other girl wasn't getting one too.

Oh I really hope you got somewhere with your meeting this afternoon!!

Sadly I recognise the pattern of inappropriate / inadequate discipline coming from a weak head, all too well. I was tall and uncoordinated, good at all the "wrong" things and hopeless at all the "right" things, and was bullied mercilessly through primary school. Apparently the headmistress believed that the playground should be a "microcosm of society" or somesuch rubbish, and actually forbade teachers from intervening ... The nasty girls thus had free reign. My mother found out a lot more only years later about some of the things that went on. There wasn't really a good alternative school to move us to, we'd already tried the local state school which was a disaster, and other private schools were all full. (btw this wasn't in the UK, but a somewhat similar system) We did get a good education but both my sister and I were relieved to move onto other schools for secondary, with scholarships.

It sounds like you have a few options for next week, depending on the outcome of your meeting today. Keep her home, refuse to allow her to be punished, or perhaps - if she does have a number of good friends in her class, could it be arranged that they ALL stay in over break and have a good time together?

I agree with those encouraging you to seriously look at moving schools, unless you have genuine evidence that things are going to change immediately. Your daughter needs to learn how to cope with what others will say, but she won't learn that in an environment where those others don't get any consequences from overstepping the line. Whether and where you find that environment isn't guaranteed sadly.

Good luck!

Honestly good for your dd
sounds Like the little witch deserved a comment about her appearance
I have crazy red hair - think a weasley or Merida from brave. A couple of boys at school used to tease me and my much older brother taught me ‘if I wanted to I could change my hair, Shame you can’t change your face’ I mean not very kind but it empowered me to stand up for myself !!

In my own (distant) experience with childhood bullying, they stopped when confronted publically like this.

If you have all your complaints in writing can you not ask the Head to have both sets of parents called in to discuss this? Because I would guess the other parents don’t have a clue this is happening and may think your daughter started it when she fought back for the first time after 2 years. I would guess a sibling could be bullying this girl at home and she is turning on your DD. Bullying is usually taught/mimicked behavior.

I know it’s not your responsibility to talk to the parents but this head is so utterly useless that I think it would be best to attempt to clear the air once and for all and have this behavior stopped.

Also I can almost guarantee this girl is jealous your dd is smaller/petite if she struggles with her weight

I would tell my dd that I absolutely supported her. I'd also tell her to do the punishment, but buy her something amazing afterwards for sticking up for herself.
I'd also tell her to say exactly the same thing the next time it happened, and go through the whole process again.
I'd also be logging these events ready for a letter to the governors.
Good for your daughter.

Well done to your DD!

We had similar with DS2 when he was in Y5. He was bullied off and on for about 3 years by the school’s football star. Because he could kick a ball he got away with bloody murder. We complained repeatedly but every time we were either ignored or promised changes which then didn’t happen. We withdrew DS when he was suspended from school for an incident involving the bully, and the bully and DS’s two best friends all lied to a teacher about what had actually happened. When I told the headmistress that we were removing DS, I took great pleasure in watching her squirm when I told her we were leaving because they’d failed to keep him safe. There’s something about that phrase which packs a punch!

And again - it was a prep school which had a massive problem with bullying and favouritism. Certain children and families could just do what they wanted and get away with everything.

I don’t think the DD wants a consolation prize instead of actual support and protection from a bully that is being egged on by a complicit school administration.

Evening all

went to see the Head and DD’s teacher was in the meeting too. I said I’ve been raising this bullying about DD’s height for two years now and the bully has never had a punishment like this AFAIK. Apparently they have reprimanded her in the past and taken away house points(!!) so her ‘behaviour hasn’t gone unpunished at all’. I asked if she ever had break times taken away and they said no. DD’s teacher said DD called this girl fat in a nasty way, at which point I said she’s put up with nastiness herself for 2 years.

It went back and forth like this for bloody ages, I asked for the difference between heightism and fattism and the headmaster (think Father Stone from Father Ted level of personality) said ‘well I suppose there isn’t a difference’. I was then told the bully girl has a huge complex about her weight and it hit a very raw nerve, she’d been building her confidence up for a while and has felt this has brought it crashing down. I said well same goes for my DD every time she gets a short comment!

They suggested again a lesson on kindness(!!). I said just tell bully girl to stop, have some resilience seeing as they’re such champions.

Anyway they will ‘have words’ and will reduce DD’s punishment to one break time, and will also give bully girl the same on a different day.

I said I still didn’t feel like it was good enough and if I hear another incident that goes unpunished I’ll be pulling her out at the end of term without paying the fees in lieu. This seemed to make them wobble and Father Stone was all very ‘oh goodness we don’t want that Emily is so happy here’ blah blah blah.

So we left it at that. On the train now with DD for our girls weekend.

And then, I felt quite empowered and almost did a hair flick when leaving the office, only for DS to come running up to me as he was leaving his classroom (Heads office is opposite), poor lad went arse over tit landed face down in the entrance of the office, and had a nose bleed, getting blood all over the Heads carpet. DS is fine, I felt like watching the Head clean my son’s blood up off his carpet (he insisted) was a nice parting shot.

I actually think commenting on someone's height is (in general) worse than commenting on someone's weight, because weight is usually possible for someone to change if it's a source of insecurity, but height is not.

God no!! She shouldn’t be disciplined for snapping…..

I would say that the school haven’t kept your daughter safe and you want them to tell you their conditions on their website about bullying and you want them to point out EXACTLY how they’ve followed their own rules about bullying and ask them to explain point by point how the other girl got disciplined for her behaviour first.

Well done you! Hope things do actually change for your DD. Remember, stick to your guns.

What a result ☺️🤭 Good on you and DD, bullies only respond to one thing alone and that is an attack on their own insecurities

Well done! Enjoy your weekend away.

You are a champion

what twadlle about the bully being lacking in confidence.

and they know it too. Going from DD being punished for 5 days, and bully for none, to 1 day each. They knew they were in the wrong.

Also, one doesn't have to be a psychologist to understand why bullied kids might save all their tears until they get home. Crying can be seen as a sign of weakness, and bullies will prey on any sign of weakness. Of course she doesn't want to give the bully any more reason to pick on her.