To be annoyed at DD’s punishment

[LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet]

DD (9, Y5) has been getting picked on by a girl for a couple of years now. It seems to happen in peaks and troughs. But this girl’s focus is on DD’s height. She’s very small for her age, as is her dad. If you looked at her you’d think she was 7yo max. Her 5yo brother is only 2 inches shorter, and some of her friends are head and shoulders taller. And the girl picking on her constantly calls her titch, shorty, dwarf, shortarse and constantly pats her on the head like she’s a dog. If something has been said in class when they’re learning, for example the teacher describes a ‘small mountain’ this girl will shout out “Just like Emily” (meaning my DD, not her real name).

I raised it last year but she had a bit of a hippy teacher in his last year of teaching who said things like “I’ll work on empowering Emily” and “I’ll do a lesson on how name calling isn’t ok” - which is all very well but FFS just tell this girl to stop it!!!

I raised it with the head who is as much use as a chocolate fireguard and just says “Oh well these things happen and we do encourage resilience”. Which I agree with but one child can only take so much.

To avoid drip feeding - this is a private school with very low numbers and the bully girl is one of 5 siblings. I’ve strongly suspected they don’t want to upset the family in case they pull all their kids out. It seems to be a pattern with wealthy/large families, whereas I only have 2 in school.

Anyway I spoke to her new teacher in the first day of term and said it absolutely cannot happen this year as DD is starting to dread school and has come home crying too often, and I don’t wanna have to pull her out. New teacher is much more of a ball buster than last year’s teacher and said she’d directly pull any name calling or mean behaviour. And all seemed to go well this term (except for the odd incident). Until today.

DD’s teacher called me to say that all her break times will be removed next week and she will have to stay indoors. Apparently the bully girl made a comment when DD was asked to pin something she’s done on a display the wall. She said “Someone get Emily a stepladder”.

DD replied and said “I may be short but at least I’m not fat.” The girl in question is quite overweight. She burst into tears and DD has had that punishment.

Now I’m not condoning what DD said, I’ve always said we never talk about how people look because look how awful it makes someone feel. But after 2 years of grief from this girl when there’s been NO action taken against her, my DD seemingly has snapped and now is being punished for 1 offence. The bully girl was made to apologise but isn’t getting the same punishment.

Full disclosure: DH has suggested before that DD say this to the girl (to which I promptly said FGS NO don’t say that!). But bear in mind we had her coming home upset and crying yet again by this nasty girl who just won’t fucking stop.DH got fed up and said that if she can comment on DD’s height the only way to stop it is to bite back equally as hard. Which I don’t agree with - but I bet that’s why DD’s said it.

WIBU to see the Head and say this is unfair, yes DD should be punished but why hasn’t the other girl ever had a punishment once? Why is fat shaming terrible but height shaming ok and should be tolerated? Neither can be helped of children. I did tell her teacher I’m not happy but she seemed to think it was much more unacceptable what DD said than what the other girl said!

Another here who was bullied for being short. Well done to your daughter. Sometimes it's all it takes is to just stand up for yourself that once and I never did. My daughters are also shorter than their friends and I hope they would have to courage to stand up for themselves if they found themselves in this position. Let's hope the bully pipes down now as she didn't quite like a taste of her own medicine it might make her think in future.

Have a fantastic weekend together!

So it's OK for your daughter to be bullied for years over something she cannot control yet it's not OK for her to retaliate once and point out the fat bullies flaw. This girls family is obviously well in with the school. I would be fuming.

Good, well done. When you get back from your weekend, put it all in writing in an email to the Head. Bullet point what has happened , what was said in the meeting, what will happen next.

Will do!

They genuinely seemed to think height shaming was not that bad and an opportunity to show resilience and fat shaming was outright nasty.

Well done. I hope you and DD have a lovely weekend
We've had very similar issues with our DC, including other pupils lifting them up and the school very obviously weighing up fees before committing to a course of punishment.
I'd love to think the other girl being punished will lead to a change in attitude but in our case, her parents became even more entrenched in their denial that their child was a bully. (It was always easy to see where her bullying came from.)

Why aren't they worried about losing dollar if you leave, but not if the bully leaves? Either way, they would lose money 💲

Bravo your daughter 👏

I think you've handled this in an absolutely text book fashion - well done. Absolutely put in writing next Monday as PP said.

It sounds like the meeting went ok. They were stupid to suggest saying someone was fat was worse than saying they were short especially as you had highlighted so often.

Exactly!

Whereas the bullies go for the sympathy vote every time.

The bully takes 4 siblings with her.

Quite honestly let’s hope your dd has knocked this nasty girls confidence. Maybe it’ll take her down a peg or two and teach her a lesson.

Well done for standing your ground. Fabulous. They know that you'll be on it, the minute the bully starts again! Enjoy your evening with your DD

That HT sounds incompetent and totally out of touch with modern thinking about self-image, self-esteem, bullying, etc.

For them to actually argue back at your that BullyGirl's treatment of your daughter wasn't that bad -- the mind reels.

It seems to me that your daughter didn't even actually call the Bully fat, she just said something like "I'd rather be short than fat." We know that it's the unspoken "like you" at the end of the sentence but she factually did not say that, whereas the Bully has been targeting your DD by name for two years now.

I don't think I'd leave it there. Put everything into a new memo and send it to them asking for a plan for restricting Bully's access to your daughter and what punishment Bully will receive for every future incident.

Really great update, OP. But I am truly shocked that ANY name-calling was allowed. I’m cringing at them pontificating about whether being called short is less of an issue than fat.

Great idea to put it all in writing. Reference their anti-bullying policy and refer to ‘persistent name calling and DD being repeatedly targeted by one pupil over a two year period’.

Hope you have a lovely weekend!

Excellent result.

Please do as @NancyJoan suggests.

Minuting the meeting and what has been agreed, serves two great purposes.

It pisses them off no end😁and it holds them BOTH to account.

Please don't forget to remember to note that you reminded them during the meeting, of the MANY PREVIOUS occasions over the past TWO years, that your daughter was being bullied and THEIR inaction.

Lay it all out in the minutes.

Make it a lengthy litany of their inaction and ineptitude, and to end with, you will follow up in a couple of weeks with them, as to how things are going.

Enjoy your weekend.

This is shocking op and happens everywhere, not just at school. People target someone, gets a cheap laugh at the target's expense. When the target expresses hurt it's 'Oh ...but I was only joking ...can't she take a joke? Then ...one day ...the target retaliates ...maybe gets a laugh at the bully's expense ...strange ...it's not a joke now. When the boot is on the other foot invariably the 'only joking' one just can't take the same treatment.
As a teacher I have seen this many times ...not just amongst kids. Sadly adults do this too. I have spoken time and time again about the concept that we laugh with people ...not at them. If it's not funny to the target. then it's not funny ...end of. Sadly many parents just can't see this when it;s their darling, often very popular, who is doing the 'joking'.
I am glad you are giving your dd a treat. Ironically, it is often only when the target retaliates that the bully backs off. You will need to be extra vigilant next week op. This could go one of two ways. Hopefully, the bully, having been targeted herself will now back off. However, because your dd has been punished the bully might feel a bit self righteous and re-establish her status with another attack.
I would hope that whoever is in charge of pastoral care in the year group will have had a word. Asked her why she thinks your dd said what she did. How she felt. Does she now think it's funny to make personal comments about dd's height. I would hope that the bully's parents would have been contacted and that they are supportive of her now backing off but if the school hasn't addressed this before your dd snapped I can't say I'm confident.

I’m in my late 30s but still remember being mercilessly bullied by some horrible girls at private school. I look back and wish I’d said something like your DD did! To be honest even if she takes the punishment I’d encourage her to keep sticking up for herself. To be honest it’s only when you fight back that the bullies stop. Sometimes you’ve got to fight fire with fire and hit them (verbally) where it hurts. If the school really isn’t supporting her and she’s not happy there I’d take her out and move her to the local school.

Well I hope that they stick to what they say & tell the bully in no uncertain terms to stop!

I cannot believe that teachers hear what she says & do not pull her up on it every single time.

I can't believe the HT actually had the gall to say the bully struggles with a complex over her weight as if your DD isn't being given one over her height - daily.

What an utter tosspot!

Glad you made it very clear you aren't standing for it. Enjoy your girls weekend. You both deserve it

I’d be straight in there, why is height shaming ok? It’s very unfair treatment and I’d rather pull her out than her have to still face that punishment when they’ve done nothing to stop the other girl. As far as the other girl goes, maybe she will learn not to dish it out now

Hi op. My child attends a private school. And there is a bully in he’s class who has actually got physical on many occasions with my son and a few others in his class. Pushing him, pulling his tie, scratching throwing water and also tourmenting him by stealing his things, hiding them . Everyday there is a different story . Myself and other parents have complained and all that ever gets done is break time getting taken away. I think you’ve taken the right approach with seeing the head officially. We are doing the same next week, i don’t understand why private schools overlook bullies.

Do NOT forget to follow up with an email confirming your conversation: they now agree that the other girl's bullying of your daughter about her height is just as bad as your daughter calling her fat, and that they've acknowledged this has been going on for 2 years. Note the reduced 'punishment', the promise that the other girl will serve the same, and that if further incidents go unpunished, they understand you will be removing your children and not paying the notice/fees.

I'm SO impressed OP, fantastic job standing up for your girl - hope you both have a fabulous weekend!

This kind of thing really makes me so angry, having been on the receiving end myself. Years and years of bullies chipping away at me, verbal abuse (extremely nasty), physical assault - all witnessed by teachers standing by doing absolutely nothing. The day I finally snap and stand up for myself - who gets into trouble? Me.

Good on your DD! There is an additional issue here - in my view it could be argued that the teachers who have knowingly stood by allowing this other kid to bully your DD without doing anything about it, have therefore been complicit in the bullying themselves and have also breached their duty of care to your DD. By their actions - or lack thereof during a long and sustained campaign of bullying against your DD, THEY have, by default, pushed your DD into to the position where she ended up snapping and standing up for herself as she saw fit in the situation and in the absence of anyone stepping in to do anything about it - despite them being entirely aware of the bullying your DD was being subjected to.

Tbh it's not even about height shaming v fat shaming... in my extensive experience of bullies - if it wasn't your DD's height, it would be something else. Bullies will look for anything to focus on in their attack. Your DD could grow 6 inches overnight - it wouldn't make any difference - the bully would just find something else to have a go about. The only way to deal with it is to stand up to them and/or have the school put a stop to it. Sadly, schools have a very very warped approach to bullying which doesn't seem to have changed much since I was on the receiving end of it!

Good for you and your DD! She sounds awesome!