To be annoyed at DD’s punishment

[LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet]

DD (9, Y5) has been getting picked on by a girl for a couple of years now. It seems to happen in peaks and troughs. But this girl’s focus is on DD’s height. She’s very small for her age, as is her dad. If you looked at her you’d think she was 7yo max. Her 5yo brother is only 2 inches shorter, and some of her friends are head and shoulders taller. And the girl picking on her constantly calls her titch, shorty, dwarf, shortarse and constantly pats her on the head like she’s a dog. If something has been said in class when they’re learning, for example the teacher describes a ‘small mountain’ this girl will shout out “Just like Emily” (meaning my DD, not her real name).

I raised it last year but she had a bit of a hippy teacher in his last year of teaching who said things like “I’ll work on empowering Emily” and “I’ll do a lesson on how name calling isn’t ok” - which is all very well but FFS just tell this girl to stop it!!!

I raised it with the head who is as much use as a chocolate fireguard and just says “Oh well these things happen and we do encourage resilience”. Which I agree with but one child can only take so much.

To avoid drip feeding - this is a private school with very low numbers and the bully girl is one of 5 siblings. I’ve strongly suspected they don’t want to upset the family in case they pull all their kids out. It seems to be a pattern with wealthy/large families, whereas I only have 2 in school.

Anyway I spoke to her new teacher in the first day of term and said it absolutely cannot happen this year as DD is starting to dread school and has come home crying too often, and I don’t wanna have to pull her out. New teacher is much more of a ball buster than last year’s teacher and said she’d directly pull any name calling or mean behaviour. And all seemed to go well this term (except for the odd incident). Until today.

DD’s teacher called me to say that all her break times will be removed next week and she will have to stay indoors. Apparently the bully girl made a comment when DD was asked to pin something she’s done on a display the wall. She said “Someone get Emily a stepladder”.

DD replied and said “I may be short but at least I’m not fat.” The girl in question is quite overweight. She burst into tears and DD has had that punishment.

Now I’m not condoning what DD said, I’ve always said we never talk about how people look because look how awful it makes someone feel. But after 2 years of grief from this girl when there’s been NO action taken against her, my DD seemingly has snapped and now is being punished for 1 offence. The bully girl was made to apologise but isn’t getting the same punishment.

Full disclosure: DH has suggested before that DD say this to the girl (to which I promptly said FGS NO don’t say that!). But bear in mind we had her coming home upset and crying yet again by this nasty girl who just won’t fucking stop.DH got fed up and said that if she can comment on DD’s height the only way to stop it is to bite back equally as hard. Which I don’t agree with - but I bet that’s why DD’s said it.

WIBU to see the Head and say this is unfair, yes DD should be punished but why hasn’t the other girl ever had a punishment once? Why is fat shaming terrible but height shaming ok and should be tolerated? Neither can be helped of children. I did tell her teacher I’m not happy but she seemed to think it was much more unacceptable what DD said than what the other girl said!

Pull your daughter. I would also contact the independent schools inspection board (ISIB) and explain you have real concerns about your child’s safety as the school is providing no duty of care.

I would be telling the school they can sod off with the paid term’s notice as well. If they want you to drag this through the papers you are willing to. They have badly let your daughter down.

Oh my your poor DD. Please pull her out of that school. This is not good for her. She stood up for herself and fair play. The school is completely wrong to punish her, especially as they know the history of bullying she has suffered

Hope the meeting at the school went ok

Typical bully - turning on the waterworks - just pathetic

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet : do I understand correctly, all the incidences with your DD being bullied over two years have been documented and the school still does nothing?
Tbh, if it happens to my DC and school does not resolve the issue within 6 months or so I would move DC to another school.

@MeridianB I'm going to phone the local council on Monday and find out what our state options are. And then even if I've paid the fees for next term, he can go somewhere where he might be better accepted. He's a sensitive kind boy and the boys at this school are showing a huge amount of relational aggression. it's more common in girls than boys but for some reason in this year group it's very bitchy boys (it's an all boys school). Exclusions, name calling, mimicing, rejecting over and over and over. Same few boys but it encourages an atmosphere of hostility for those that aren't on the inside. And as there are so few boys and it's such a small school there's nowhere to hide. I can't wait for secondary.

It is a problem when smaller. My dn is constantly being patted on the head and told how cute she is. Her classmates aren't being mean as such but the constantly draw attention to her hight and tell.her she's cute and adorable. She hates it and also has developed a grunge style - tends to stick to black leggings and oversized hoodies

Agree. This should be reported to the inspection board.

It sounds like you would both be happier with her in a different school. Just watch what you notice period is.

This is a very unsafe environment.

They refuse to protect her, and when SHE reacts, they punish her.

You need to tell that Head of your intention to formally complain.

Create a paper trail.

Their formal response to bullying is get on with it.

Their formal response to reacting to being verbally mocked is to punish the victim.

Parents and inspectors need to know this.

Your poor daughter. The lesson they've taught the bully is that she can bully others with impunity and any retaliation will be harshly punished. Bonkers.

I would tell her to accept the school’s punishment and take it on the chin. I would tell her that you’re not cross and in fact you’re proud of her. Take her for a slap up meal, and your DH should buy her a bottle of perfume as a treat to finally sticking up for herself and taking his advice. If the bully says anything about being short again, give her your full permission to say ‘fuck off fatty’ but I have a feeling she may pipe down from now on.

YANBU. Your daughter has been bullied for years about something she has no control over. Now obviously what she said wasn’t cool but in retaliation after years I can’t blame her, and technically speaking the girl has a level of control over the physical attribute your daughter picked up on. So how on earth is that fair for your daughter?

YANBU.

Your daughter should not be punished by the school AT ALL. If I were you, I'd go in and demand she not be punished bc if they punish your daughter, they're teaching the bully that she's allowed to bully and mentally torture someone for two years and can get away with it just bc she cried. It's bc fat shaming is such a buzz topic at the minute, so the school has reacted to that and let your child suffer for two whole years; they're so completely in the wrong.

I'd be praising 'Emily' for saying it in all honesty - the bully might've thought twice about picking on her height if 'Emily' didn't get strung up for her comment but now, what incentive is there for her to stop her campaign of mental torment? She likely knows your DD will be too scared to say something similar again, and she hasn't been punished for her repeated comments about her height.

Height isn't something that can be changed, what if DD always remains much shorter than her peers? I'm shorter than all mine - my mum is 4ft 11" so I was just happy to get over 5ft - but thankfully, it wasn't something I was bullied for (I got bullied for other things instead, aren't children nice), so I don't have a complex about it but this might not be the case with DD. Bully is picking on something permanent that could potentially be an insecurity for DD's entire life and the school has shown they don't care. It's disgusting.

Being fat can be helped, what a nasty witch the other girl is. I'm not surprised your daughter snapped, how awful. I'd be making a formal complaint about how this girl bullying your daughter has been handled, your poor daughter. This girl needs to be punished, she's pretty much just been given the green light to carry on and handed the victim card to play.

Why the hell should your DD be punished. Why is it worse to call someone fat in a derogatory way than to call them short. At least the fat kid can diet!! Stick up for your daughter - she finally shot back. At least she didn't lamp her one which is what I would have recommended.

Said as an ex-bullied lady who attended private school.

This is utterly unacceptable. You should have a written complaint. Do not punish your child for defending herself. I’d give her a thumb-up for standing tall.

YANBU and if it was one of mine I’d have told them to call her names back ages ago. I’m sick of all this ‘don’t retaliate’ ‘let the school deal with it’ bullshit. So many times the school fail the bullied children. One of my boys was getting targeted by a 10 year old when he was 6. The school were crap at sorting it. So I approached the mother out of school and told her the problem would be between me and her if she didn’t sort him out. Guess what, the little shit didn’t touch my son at my again. Sometimes you just have to fight fire with fire.

Well done "Emily"!

I'd be furious about the punishment as well (and normally, as a primary school teacher myself, I usually fall on the side of the teacher on these things). I'd be calling the school for a meeting first thing Monday morning.

I would do exactly the same - I'm a belligerent ole trout, and I HATE bullying - it can destroy someone's confidence and self-image.

Height can't be helped - weight usually can. Unless this girl has a medical condition, the odds are she's just greedy.

Also teach your DD to respond with things like "Good stuff in little bundles" etc

I'd be talking to the school, listing off all of the times you've raised concerns about your child's physical appearance being the subject of nasty comments, and demanding confirmation that any further bullying will be dealt with immediately. The minute a comment is made to your child, report it. Be the squeaky wheel, it's the only way stuff gets done.

This from @Sunnidaze is good advice, too.

I would usually want to support the school and would back them up even if I thought they were being a bit harsh just for the sake of sending a united message, but this is way over the line. I’m glad you’re going into the school with bubbling anger, they need to made to see how unfair they are being. Building resilience is a good thing but they effectively telling a child that her feelings matter less than someone else’s. How can they expect that do do anything other than damage a child’s self esteem and make them lose respect for their teachers?

All of this.

Plus I'd be encouraging Emily to oink at the nasty little fatty every time she gets a chance for the next week during this "punishment". But only when the teacher can't hear, obvs.
Walking behind her chair to sharpen a pencil? Oink in her ear.
Passing her in the lunch queue? Oink.
Standing behind her in the line to assembly? Oink.

Sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire.

I'm being facetious again, but how about the next time Fat Bully says anything about Emily's height, Emily puts her hand up & says, "Miss, Fat Bully just bullied me about my height. Is it OK if I say she's fat?".

I was your DD. Not due to height but still badly bullied. It was the same thing, it was OK for them to bully me, almost accepted by everyone including the teachers, but if I ever said anything thing back, then woe betide me, I'd get it in the neck. I got so sick of being told I'm too sensitive or I need to 'toughen up', no I just need to be treated with respect.

The bully would cry and moan and they'd be fawned over. Me, I was just a 'nasty' girl for saying what I said. They would not listen when I tried to say why I snapped, they simply didn't care and didn't want to know. My Mum was a teacher but due to what happened to me I still have very little respect for teachers. I know that is a blanket statement and unfair to many, but it was my experience as a child - they didn't give a shit.

It was so damaging 😢