To be annoyed at DD’s punishment

[LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet]

DD (9, Y5) has been getting picked on by a girl for a couple of years now. It seems to happen in peaks and troughs. But this girl’s focus is on DD’s height. She’s very small for her age, as is her dad. If you looked at her you’d think she was 7yo max. Her 5yo brother is only 2 inches shorter, and some of her friends are head and shoulders taller. And the girl picking on her constantly calls her titch, shorty, dwarf, shortarse and constantly pats her on the head like she’s a dog. If something has been said in class when they’re learning, for example the teacher describes a ‘small mountain’ this girl will shout out “Just like Emily” (meaning my DD, not her real name).

I raised it last year but she had a bit of a hippy teacher in his last year of teaching who said things like “I’ll work on empowering Emily” and “I’ll do a lesson on how name calling isn’t ok” - which is all very well but FFS just tell this girl to stop it!!!

I raised it with the head who is as much use as a chocolate fireguard and just says “Oh well these things happen and we do encourage resilience”. Which I agree with but one child can only take so much.

To avoid drip feeding - this is a private school with very low numbers and the bully girl is one of 5 siblings. I’ve strongly suspected they don’t want to upset the family in case they pull all their kids out. It seems to be a pattern with wealthy/large families, whereas I only have 2 in school.

Anyway I spoke to her new teacher in the first day of term and said it absolutely cannot happen this year as DD is starting to dread school and has come home crying too often, and I don’t wanna have to pull her out. New teacher is much more of a ball buster than last year’s teacher and said she’d directly pull any name calling or mean behaviour. And all seemed to go well this term (except for the odd incident). Until today.

DD’s teacher called me to say that all her break times will be removed next week and she will have to stay indoors. Apparently the bully girl made a comment when DD was asked to pin something she’s done on a display the wall. She said “Someone get Emily a stepladder”.

DD replied and said “I may be short but at least I’m not fat.” The girl in question is quite overweight. She burst into tears and DD has had that punishment.

Now I’m not condoning what DD said, I’ve always said we never talk about how people look because look how awful it makes someone feel. But after 2 years of grief from this girl when there’s been NO action taken against her, my DD seemingly has snapped and now is being punished for 1 offence. The bully girl was made to apologise but isn’t getting the same punishment.

Full disclosure: DH has suggested before that DD say this to the girl (to which I promptly said FGS NO don’t say that!). But bear in mind we had her coming home upset and crying yet again by this nasty girl who just won’t fucking stop.DH got fed up and said that if she can comment on DD’s height the only way to stop it is to bite back equally as hard. Which I don’t agree with - but I bet that’s why DD’s said it.

WIBU to see the Head and say this is unfair, yes DD should be punished but why hasn’t the other girl ever had a punishment once? Why is fat shaming terrible but height shaming ok and should be tolerated? Neither can be helped of children. I did tell her teacher I’m not happy but she seemed to think it was much more unacceptable what DD said than what the other girl said!

I agree with this.
My DD would be encouraged to respond to all the name calling with calling her fat. It’s high time the bully moved on from your daughter. Two whole years?! Come on.

Well done OP. You did brilliantly.

FWIW I was also in a private school where I (and others) were bullied by a girl with four other siblings. She was untouchable. It was so obvious that at age 10 we all talked openly about how favourited she was because the school wanted her family there.

In your favour is that many fee paying schools are concerned about finances these days. They don't want the big family to leave, but neither do they want any others leaving. I hope there are no further comments.

Please discourage your daughter from calling the other girl ‘fat’, if not in retaliation. She’d be the bully then.

Private schools can be the worst at this, there are too many conflicts of interest. Poorer families will not be treated equally and it gets worse as the kids get older and cement their their social ‘superiority’ in the pecking order. If this blatant hypocrisy isn’t addressed, just go. You’ll never win and your DDs childhood and your family resources will only suffer for no gain. Been there, kicking myself for not waking up sooner.

Tbh though I don't think that being short has the negative connotations attached to it that being fat does.

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet Great job advocating for your daughter.

If all your dd said was: “I may be short but at least I’m not fat.” then technically she didn’t call anyone fat. She just stated a personal preference about her own body.

And sure the insult is implied. But really, all your dd did was have some self respect and stand up for herself.

Fwiw I went to public school and bullies seemed to never be held accountable but the moment the person on the receiving end finally (after following the proper procedure to no avail) defends themselves or retaliates they are the one’s being punished or held accountable. The bully still remains above reproach. I’ve seen it time and time again. Even before we all had the internet.

I’ve seen this in cases of workplace bullying too.

Zero tolerance for bullying policies never seem to be enacted upon.

And we wonder why rates of bullying continue to rise.

Many girls of the op's daughter'a age have issues around their body image. The op's DD is self conscious about her height, just as the other girl is about her fat. But it isn't about weighing up which comment is worse. One thing leads to another. The dd's antagonist started the ball rolling with her comments about height, obviously hurting the ops daughter. She can hardly expect to be able to decide how far the ops daughter should go in retaliation. Sounds l choose to insult you, but I should be able to control how far you go in retaliation. Hardly reasonable.

Well done O.P!
Great your daughter has a mum like you to stand up for her.
Have a great weekend :)

I was bullied terribly for 2 years in secondary school. Nothing was ever done. They would threaten me, call me names, spit on me, etc.

One day at school, I flipped. Ashamed to say I violently beat the crap out of the main bully. The deputy head had to pull me off her.

I was suspended and my DM took me for McDonald's as a treat, and we went shopping. Her support meant so much, and funnily enough after that the bullies stopped!

What I'm trying to say is - whatever you decide to do, the fact you're supporting your daughter is the main thing. Please reassure her it's not her fault.

As an aside - years and years later, the main bully and I bumped into each other. We went for a drink, both apologised, and remain in touch; sometimes kids are shits but doesn't mean they're not good people.

Awesome OP, well done 👏

Every time she calls your daughter short, she should call her fat. Every single time.

Or she could reply: ‘I like who I am, remember?’ Raise one eyebrow and turn her back on her.

Well done op!

Great update. hope the fat, big bully learnt her lesson.

Well dd can now call the bully crybaby too (out of earshot of teachers).

So pathetic that bullies can dish it out but can’t take it.

No she won't.

Not if she doesn't follow her round trying to make her cry.

This was defensive name-calling (actually not even that as she didn't actually call the bully anything).

Stop minimising it , saying ‘at least I’m not fat’ is implying the other person is.We all know that. I have said previously I agree with @LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet and her daughter but let her daughter own it .
she meant to hurt her feelings and I can see why, let the bully know unkind words hurt

If she initiates it, she’ll definitely be the mean one now.

OP, don’t encourage this behaviour in your child.

OP, see what happens now that your daughter has also retaliated in name selling.
Hopefully, the girl has moved on.

You should probably think of comebacks from ‘at least I can lose weight but you’ll always be short’ angle because if she’s truly mean, she’ll probably have comebacks after the initial standing up your DD had.

Your DD sounds very resilient.

I really hope that’s the end of it. Fingers crossed.

Absolutely @HikingforScenery , but if it’s in response I think it’s justified , no denying it/fibbing etc
no adult would tolerate it and we shouldn’t expect children to
this school appears to be a ‘just stay away from them’ one from what I’ve read

I would be tempted (If i were going to actually take my DD from the school) to put in my summary emali that they should give me a list of the heirarchy of insults and the punishments so you can work out the "least costly" riposte for the next time. Because there will be a next time.

But well done, OP, that's a fairly ok outcome (as long as the bully really does miss a break). I think missing a break for calling bully fat is harsh, if the bully has only ever lost housepoints.

Well done!

Also, add that if it is as much as insinuated by the bully that your DD is short you will act on your words and also inform the ISI (?) about it and might as well leave that google review that the head was so much craving.

Was your DD told off and thus humiliated in front of the class? Was she given punishment in front of the whole class? I guess the bully will be given the opportunity to be spoken in privacy which you should tell the school and will never learn. They should tell her NEVER to hurt your DD again.

Bleunoir, not a case of bullying, but you reminded me of rampant favouritism at dds’ junior school. It was an independent Catholic school - we aren’t Catholics, but had recently returned from years abroad and it was the only school with places for them.

The head was a nun, and the annual prize giving was such a joke, parents in the audience would laugh fairly openly. A very rich, foreign, Catholic extended family had umpteen kids at the school and without fail, at prize-giving, the ‘Headmistress’s Prize’ for Year One, would blatantly go to a little Finkelbeiner (not their real name). Ditto for Year two, and so on, right through.

I was naive enough to be shocked by this, until an Irish friend said, ‘God, yes - that’s Irish nuns for you - sucking up to what they see as ‘the gentry’.’

(Otherwise I’m glad to say it was a good school.).

Good for her! Sounds like bully more than had it coming!

Well we’ve had a really lovely weekend so far (despite the weather scuppering some of our plans) and it’s taken her mind off it. I told her I’m so proud she stuck up for herself and I totally support her keeping it up. She says she feels bad for being mean though. Honestly this girl feel like giving her a bloody shake sometimes.