To be annoyed at DD’s punishment

[LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet]

DD (9, Y5) has been getting picked on by a girl for a couple of years now. It seems to happen in peaks and troughs. But this girl’s focus is on DD’s height. She’s very small for her age, as is her dad. If you looked at her you’d think she was 7yo max. Her 5yo brother is only 2 inches shorter, and some of her friends are head and shoulders taller. And the girl picking on her constantly calls her titch, shorty, dwarf, shortarse and constantly pats her on the head like she’s a dog. If something has been said in class when they’re learning, for example the teacher describes a ‘small mountain’ this girl will shout out “Just like Emily” (meaning my DD, not her real name).

I raised it last year but she had a bit of a hippy teacher in his last year of teaching who said things like “I’ll work on empowering Emily” and “I’ll do a lesson on how name calling isn’t ok” - which is all very well but FFS just tell this girl to stop it!!!

I raised it with the head who is as much use as a chocolate fireguard and just says “Oh well these things happen and we do encourage resilience”. Which I agree with but one child can only take so much.

To avoid drip feeding - this is a private school with very low numbers and the bully girl is one of 5 siblings. I’ve strongly suspected they don’t want to upset the family in case they pull all their kids out. It seems to be a pattern with wealthy/large families, whereas I only have 2 in school.

Anyway I spoke to her new teacher in the first day of term and said it absolutely cannot happen this year as DD is starting to dread school and has come home crying too often, and I don’t wanna have to pull her out. New teacher is much more of a ball buster than last year’s teacher and said she’d directly pull any name calling or mean behaviour. And all seemed to go well this term (except for the odd incident). Until today.

DD’s teacher called me to say that all her break times will be removed next week and she will have to stay indoors. Apparently the bully girl made a comment when DD was asked to pin something she’s done on a display the wall. She said “Someone get Emily a stepladder”.

DD replied and said “I may be short but at least I’m not fat.” The girl in question is quite overweight. She burst into tears and DD has had that punishment.

Now I’m not condoning what DD said, I’ve always said we never talk about how people look because look how awful it makes someone feel. But after 2 years of grief from this girl when there’s been NO action taken against her, my DD seemingly has snapped and now is being punished for 1 offence. The bully girl was made to apologise but isn’t getting the same punishment.

Full disclosure: DH has suggested before that DD say this to the girl (to which I promptly said FGS NO don’t say that!). But bear in mind we had her coming home upset and crying yet again by this nasty girl who just won’t fucking stop.DH got fed up and said that if she can comment on DD’s height the only way to stop it is to bite back equally as hard. Which I don’t agree with - but I bet that’s why DD’s said it.

WIBU to see the Head and say this is unfair, yes DD should be punished but why hasn’t the other girl ever had a punishment once? Why is fat shaming terrible but height shaming ok and should be tolerated? Neither can be helped of children. I did tell her teacher I’m not happy but she seemed to think it was much more unacceptable what DD said than what the other girl said!

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet I feel very bad for your dd. For 2 years, no adult helped her and now when she retaliated, adults are saying oh we understand but her approach was not right. So what she called the bully fat? If you mock others' looks, you should be aware that others can mock your looks too.

Please let her toughen up to bullies as there are times in life noone will or can help you, atleast she will learn that she doesnt have to suck it up. Also as a society we expect perfect behaviour from victims. Why they are the only ones who need to follow this moral code from some rigid book of human behaviour.

As a teacher and a parent I would say to the school that they didn't safeguard your child from bullying and you would like to see their policy. As for punishment say you will accept it as soon as the bullying gets an equal level!

If this were a state school it would need to have an AntiBullying policy: have a look for this and go in armed with it. (If they do not have one, raise the roof.) There should be zero tolerance for the type of comments your daughter has had to put up with. Also look for the Complaints Policy and consider making a formal complaint.

No I would have no confidence in this school. I'd contact the head teacher & say that you don't agree with this punishment because your child is being blamed for persistently being targeted & if you aren't going to get a positive response I'd complain & pull your children out

They encouraged resilience and she certainly showed some!

I'll bet the bullying will stop now.

Well done Emily!

I have small kids.
Most small kids make small adults so resilience is important.
Ds2 has always been the smallest in his year, and possibly still is (secondary so I have no idea).
He is tough, and teenage boys tease each other even as friends. He always hits back harder with the insults, and is accepting of being on a small side.
It helps that he is sporty and body positive because of it.
I think your daughter needs reminding that she wasn't mean. She was standing up for herself.
Have a look at some small role models. For us it was Lionel Messi.
Princess Leah? Some successful, tough small women that she would look up to.
There's nothing wrong with being small.
Well done for approaching the head so successfully.

I would be back in the heads office on Monday morning raising hell. To ne hienst dd doesn't need a punishment. The other girl hasn't been punished so dd shouldn't. That's not fair imo. No she shouldn't too said it but she has stuck up for herself and I would be applauding her. Bullies rule the way and the good kids are always told to say sorry and be the better person and yes they should but the bully just gets away with it. We should be empowering our kids to stand up for themselves and punishing dd will imp stop her from sticking up for herself again in the future as she will be worried about being punished.

If you where walking down the street or at work and someone kept calling you names you wouldn't ignore it. You would say something so why do kids have to suffer with it?

I vividly remember a boy in my class calling me shrimp. I wasn't picked on as such, but have always been called height related names. I must've snapped and had enough, as I whirled round and kicked him in the bollocks. Very satisfying. Not sure if I was punished for it (over 30 years ago) but I had to do something, god knows my big brother never defended me. Anyway, I'd keep on and on at the school and the head. Make yourself a pest. Every time it happens. Don't settle for being fobbed off. Ask why your daughter was punished if the other girl never has been. Ask them to explain the logic. Keep on fighting it. She deserves her place at the school, why tf should you move her?

Just read full thread. Brilliant work OP

Just read all your posts and saw that you did speak to them, glad you didn't back down and basically beat them into submission. I'd be on them like a ton of bricks if it happens again!

There is a complaints procedure at the school which you need to start. It is different to a council run school but your complaint has to be investigated, I have done so for a private school. The person investigating has to be totally independent but could be anyone. Remember that you have a contract with the school and that can be breached if they fail to follow it, you could get legal advice from a contracts or education solicitor.
www.gov.uk/complain-about-school/private-schools

To be honest, if they failed to protect my daughter from bullying I would have considered moving her to another school but I appreciate that that can be difficult if there isn't another one within a reasonable distance.

I'd be telling the school she isn't to be punished for their incompetence at dealing with the bullying for 2 years. If they insist on it, I'd pick her up at lunchtime and take her to the park for lunch just to make a point. Also suggest getting an older sibling or cousin to have a not so friendly chat with this girl.

I'm a primary teacher for what it's worth, and I'd be bloody furious with this

Tell the school to stick it,

My daughter was at an independent school and moved to our local primary school a few years ago. Independent school teachers don’t seem to have the same skill set that mainstream schools have when it comes to behaviour management and pastoral care.

It’s worth telling your daughter that the bully is probably actually just really jealous of your daughter’s petite size. The bully probably longs to be as slight and slender.
Perhaps you could also talk to the bully’s family.

Private schools all over, my son was taunted for ages, they did fuck all and the one time he retaliated they were all over him. It was terrible and not what you would expect from a private grammar but we were late to find out private schools are not known for their pastoral care or mental health and well-being support. We pulled him out and he went to a state school which had a fantastic forward thinking head who really turned things around for him and thankfully he thrived there.

Your daughter is very lucky to have you in her corner. Very impressed your daughter said what she did too. These body -isms are so unfair, I remember being teased relentlessly about being too thin and still get it. Enjoy your weekend away.

Your DD shouldn’t be punished at all. I know things are very different now, but I have a physical disability and was bullied mercilessly at junior school. The girl who constantly picked on me was very overweight and threw her weight around because she kind of knew it was her strength. She even made a comment in class about me and the teacher sniggered - that hurt more than anything and I can’t imagine it happening in this day and age. After three years of constant bullying, physical assault and my personal belongings being stolen or vandalised I snapped and hit this girl. I, of course, was dragged in front of the head teacher and made to explain myself because she presented herself as the victim. When I related what had happened the last couple of years, the head called in both sets of parents to the school and a lot of things came out into the open. My parents threatened to involve the police and that was enough to to stop any further problems, but I imagine that because this is a private school you will have a bit of leverage without going to these extremes. If the bully has been allowed to get away with their behaviour for this long, then I would be pulling my children from the school and stopping any further payment because I can’t imagine your DD’s education won’t have been affected if she’s been subjected to this kind of abuse over such a prolonged period.

Doesn’t excuse their behaviour though, and shouldn’t be presented as such.

Im very very proud of your daughter and you should be too!
She absolutely should call the nasty little witch fat! Call her fat every single day in-front of every person and she how she bloody likes it!
perfect taste of her own medicine and I hope she did cry!
your daughter has done nothing wrong!
“oh sorry I though we were just making obvious observations about each other’s appearance? No? Strange how you think you can relentlessly can comment on my height but I can’t comment on your very obvious extra weight?
tell the teachers their punishment to F off while you’re at it - I think one comment after two years and they are more than even!

Just read your update. Good! Well done you.

Absolutely would tell her to keep making fun of the girls weight if she keeps getting the short comments. Tell her Well at least I can get through the door! If you get much fatter, you'll have to sit in the playground. Give the girl a taste of her own medicine. Then ask her how she likes it. Why, if she doesn't like it, does she think it's OK to do to your DD?

My DD was bullied at two schools. The first one covered it up and the second private boarding school did nothing and ignored the behaviour of the rich, multi sibling bully.
The smaller the school the more likely they are to avoid dealing with this. My daughter went to a 'needs improvement' final school and made life long friends. I had declined to send her there and spent a six figure sum before she refused to go back to the private school. The state school really helped her with her anxiety.
For what it's worth I would suggest another look at the local school so she makes friends before moving up to secondary school.

All schools, private or not, have an anti bullying policy. It should be on the website. If not, ask for it and then see if they have followed it through. In a private school you are the customer and they don’t want you to pull out either. Private schools are soon going to have problems anyway if their charity status is removed, and with the rising costs, they will begin haemorrhaging students anyway. I would also ask your daughter what she might like to do; she might like to switch schools, just please do it before the year 9 choices are made for GCSEs and so she needs to get a feel for the school in order to make the choices. Sometimes a break and counselling about what has happened and an opportunity to begin again is great. If she does switch though, please don’t brush the past under the carpet, she has been traumatised and it is always hard being different, for whatever reason. HOpe whatever you do goes well.

YANBU - but here is a better trick - have DD start "crying" every time the girl says something. It won't take long before they gotta fix something.

The school have failed both children . Your daughter firstly by not protecting her from constant abuse and also the other girl by not setting boundaries of respect and acceptable behaviour.

I think your DH was right. I realise fat shaming is wrong and clearly the bully girl probably needs help herself for feeling so rubbish she had to make others feel so shit. But that’s not the point.

When a bully doesn’t stop and the school doesn’t step in, then resilience doesn’t mean tolerance. It doesn’t mean ‘oh rise above it’ Resilience means stand up for yourself and give it right back. Give it back just as tough and let them know not to mess again. This is the only language the bully will understand as now they can feel the actual hurt of nasty words themselves and perhaps see how horrible it really feels to be called names.

I realise my views may not be popular in our ‘let’s be the better person ‘ society but if you are left to stand up on your own then you are going to use whatever language the bully understands.

Good on your daughter.